Lost and losing hope

[RLB]

I am new here as I usually like to keep my personal life private, however lately I am feeling lost and I just can't find hope. Recently my boyfriend of 24 years (whom I also lived with) said he was going to visit his family ( like he would usually do) but he actually just left me, took most of his stuff, didn't tell me anything and made out he was visiting family but just left me. I feel so many emotions right now but mostly sad because he didn't even try to talk to me about it, I also feel confused because I don't understand how he could not even try to work through whatever he was feeling and I thought he loved me. I currently feel lost because I have no friends, I have limited support from the one family member I can talk to, I live alone, I have anxiety and I developed agoraphobia about 4 years ago and I thought that he and I would have a family together ( I waited for him, he said it would happen) I gave him years of my life and I trusted him but now I am at an age where I may not be able to conceive anymore all because I waited for him. I wanted a family but now it feels like everything I hoped for is gone and there is nothing left for me to hope for. I have a long history of bad relationships and I don't want to go through it again plus time is not on my side especially in my current situation. I am trying my best to be positive but every now and then I realise my actual situation and lose the positivity I did have. I don't want to adopt or use a surrogate I wanted to have a family the old fashioned way, I see others with a family and it seems so easy for others so why can't I have what I hoped for? I feel like something is wrong with me because I should have met the one by now you would think. I can't see my life without kids and I'm just lost.

[white knight]

I am a peer advisor relying on lived experience, not a professional counsellor.

Hi, welcome

I would sadly call this a dilemma and it wouldnt be appropriate to blame yourself for being at the end of your child bearing years, that is happening more these days sometimes by leaving it too late (eg travel first, saving for a house etc) or relationships that didnt last. 

I can only imagine your hurt however logically there is fewer choices and surrogate would I imagine, be the next  choice for many. Is there specific reasons why you wont consider that or adoption? Re: "... so why can't I have what I hoped for?" ... my wife never had children and I had 2 daughters. My eldest has adopted her as her mother. I suppose what I'm saying is that I get you with the old fashioned" way but unexpectedly we need a plan "B". Or... as a single mum you could still seek the old fashioned lifestyle with a future partner, the fact that you'd have a child could be irrelevant for many men.

Your ex BF doesnt seem very brave with his methods of breaking bad news. Sad when you trust someone to treat you well. This initial period of being alone will be challenging but in my experience of 3 past separations all over 7 years duration I can assure you it is temporary. Eventually you might say to yourself "gee I'm glad I have this guy now as he treats me far better". 

I hope you are ok and we are here anytime.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/are-you-good-enough-low-self-esteem/td-p/560372

TonyWK

[RLB]

Well, obviously I was right to keep my personal life to myself, I don't usually open up and it seems when I do nobody seems to care anyway. I was reaching out for help and I thought there would be someone to help me but I was obviously mistaken. Lesson learnt.

[Sophie_M]

Hello RLB, 

Thank you so much for sharing your story with our community - that must have taken a lot of courage. We can see how painful this experience has been for you and want you to know you are not alone. 

Sometimes our community can take a little bit to respond, but they are here! Until someone is able to support, we encourage you to reach out to us directly:
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor

You may also find comfort in calling Griefline, who specialise in grief, loss, and adjustment. They also have some beautiful self-care ideas and support groups you may be able to access: 
https://griefline.org.au/

Please keep reaching out where you can and know that we are always here if you need us. 

Wishing you some warm words from our community very soon. 

Kind regards, 
Sophie M. 

 

[RLB]

Hi, thanks for caring. I want to give birth to my own children and I gave 24 years to this boyfriend, I thought that we would honestly get married and have a family, he would reassure me that it would happen but he just left me instead. I am blaming myself for everything and I have good reason because I have done a few things in the past that I am not proud of and my now ex boyfriend is telling me about all the things I did wrong and he says that I am irrational and I played mind games among other things and he wouldn't say that if it wasn't true. So I feel pretty lousy that I have gotten myself in the situation I'm in now . I highly doubt that I will ever meet anyone else that is a nice person, I have had a few boyfriends and there have always been problems and at the end they too say I was the one who caused the problems so if more than one person is saying it then it must be true right? I am just confused, lost and feeling very helpless maybe my dreams are just pipe dreams 

[white knight]

Hi RLB

I'm sorry if you read my post in a way that didnt read as a person of support. That isnt the case at all. 

No one here is saying you are to blame, in fact I did mention that the method of how he left you wasnt very courageous. 

Can you identify how we could have helped you apart from the obvious options that you discount (adoption etc) and contact numbers if you fall into distress as Sophie has mentioned?

With relationship splits there is really not much we can advise on. It is a period of grief and that process isnt negotiable, what is important for advisers to pass on is that the grief process doesnt last forever, that there is a rainbow of sorts following the experience, how long that is depends on the person.

We do care, I've been here helping others for 11 years and yes, I dont get it right every time but I can assure you I care and having overcome 3 past long term relationship splits, my memory is sharp of those hellish times.

I hope we can talk more. I'd like to know what else we can do and if you have any questions as to coping we can try to help you through that.

All the best

TonyWK

[RLB]

Hi, thanks again for your support, I do truly appreciate anyone who has any input for me because I don't have anyone else and I honestly feel so very sad and my emotions are all over the place. I have been relying on both lifeline and beyond blue for help to get through this which I have never done before no matter what I have been through, so I obviously feel like I am going through a very tough time lately. Please know that you are helping me by just responding because that means that my story touched you and you care and I am very thankful. I know that things pass but I just don't see anything positive to look forward too and it's been difficult to keep going, I had plans for my life and now they are most likely not reachable and it is a thing that I don't want to face. I have been in crisis a few times and I have reached out each time when things have become too overwhelming . Thanks again for your support 

[white knight]

Life can be so hard sometimes. We struggle to keep our head above water and when a trauma comes around be it financial, relationships, family... its a real struggle. Also during these down times we cant see the future as being rosy again, we are too overwhelmed with being low. 

So we have to say to ourselves things along the lines of "it will improve but it will take time".

Our dreams mean so much to us. My dream with my first wife was the old fashioned lifestyle- married in a small country town, kids, I work and she be the homemaker which she wanted to do. Sadly it didnt work out because we still had a mortgage that meant I had to work 3 jobs one being shift work. My wife was lazy and I ended up doing the housework, changing nappies more often than her and so forth, something had to break and it was me. I had to leave her as she was also emotionally abusive. So, our kids were 7 and 4yo when I left and dedicated myself to being the best part time dad I could be. But my dream was shattered. I had to make the most of the situation so I built my own home and made fairy gardens in the yard for my daughters, dressed their new room with fairy curtains and so on. Emotionally I was a wreck. 

For you there is a need now to create a life that could be different to how you dreamed. The past is done, you deserved better but it's done, onwards and upwards is your challenge and I'm sure you'll get there, but how do you get there? The only way forward is re-inventing your dreams because life although hard can be so fulfilling and wonderful. We must focus on that wonder.

My MIL passed away 3 years ago. She had a foster son (I know its not what you want) from 3yo to 18yo, He is now 21yo and we have taken on that role with him. So we have him for a few days every 2 months or so and initially with my mental health challenges I didnt think I'd cope but I have and he respects me so I can guide him easily now. My humility means I seek no thanks, no praise, humans are on this planet to do good deeds and not for reward. Same with my role here at Beyondblue, its a humble role.

So in essence we can help by highlighting our own life speed humps we have experienced and make suggestions which will be way off the mark from your dreams you've had for so long, but at the end of the day you have to implement you own new life, put in rough plans and be positive. Such positivity might not come soon but if it is planted there, it will blossom.

You are worthy of happiness. 

TonyWK