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Dr_Kim Understanding feelings of rejection. 
  • replies: 38

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like los... View more

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up. Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples. 1. “I’m not good enough” This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more! 2. "Nobody will ever love me”. This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us. 3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?” Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes. In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language: it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down.

Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Ccccccc Confused if I would leave or not
  • replies: 3

Iv been with my partner for 3 years we have a dog and a house together. lately I just don’t feel happy with him he works in the agriculture industry and we had a very long harvest 11 weeks plus the lead up. we finally went away for a bit of a holiday... View more

Iv been with my partner for 3 years we have a dog and a house together. lately I just don’t feel happy with him he works in the agriculture industry and we had a very long harvest 11 weeks plus the lead up. we finally went away for a bit of a holiday and all we did was fight. i feel very forgotten by him and I wanted to be spoilt for once I do so much for him and I just wanted to to feel like a priority for once. iv been wanting to get married and I know he has a ring but he won’t give it to me- every time he tells me there to much going on - like his cousin got engaged a month ago and a few issues in the community I’m really struggling I have ptsd, anxiety and depression. Iv just had surgery aswell so I don’t know if it’s the anesthesia that has affected my moods. im over fighting. We are fighting over everything what we want have changed so much. I’m lost do I leave or stay. We live in a remote town and if I move out I won’t be able to work.

MissJ94 Be honest, am I overreacting?
  • replies: 8

Just a little back story first: I had my son at 17, hes now 10. I had to grow up FAST, didnt get a change to be young and free. But i did it, studied and am now a registered nurse but honestly still struggling. Ive been out of work since September. I... View more

Just a little back story first: I had my son at 17, hes now 10. I had to grow up FAST, didnt get a change to be young and free. But i did it, studied and am now a registered nurse but honestly still struggling. Ive been out of work since September. Ive wanted another baby for 8+ years. No baby came when i was with my ex(not sons father), everyone thought we would have ended up married and have kids but i realised how abusive he was and left, extremely glad now that i didnt have a baby with him. But that strong desire to have another baby is still there. I get quite emotional when people i know announce their pregnancy. Theres that excitement and joy for them but then theres that sadness that 8 years later and im no where near close to having another baby. I have my cry, sleep on it and am ok, if anything it just motivates me to do what i can now to prepare for another baby. Tonight though!!!! It was my primary school best friend who announced that shes pregnant! I shared that news with my mum because thats just what i do, shes usually the first i go to to share stuff like that. But tonight she responds with "Ill let you in on a secret, its the ones that are most promiscuous that dont fall pregnant! Nan always used to say sluts dont fall pregnant". So me already being a bit emotional and starting to have my little cry that i do, that turned into a massive meltdown, ive cried to the point my head is killing me now. To me, i feel like her saying that is literally her calling me a slut because i havent had my second child and thats what my nan would say about me now because i havent given my son a sibling. And thats after being called a slut by almost everyone back when i was pregnant with my son because i was so young (i got pregnant to the one guy i had ever slept with at the time!). So her saying what she did has really hit me tonight. I sent "wow maybe why i havent had a second child yet", she responds with "lol" and i sent back "not funny.". Then shes gone to try to change the subject before realising that i wasnt replying and started bombing me with me messages saying she meant its the sneaky teens who dont get pregnant, its the innocent ones who do. Theres about 30 messages she sent. But no matter the reason behind it, i feel like ive been called a slut by my own mum. She knows ive been wanting to have another baby for years and then thinks thats something appropriate to say. So tell me, am i overreacting??

Sensible_Sea Feeling anxious about (future) mother in law. How to move forward?
  • replies: 4

My partner's mum doesn't seem to like me. She started off nice towards me, but slowly over time things have changed. I've been with my partner nearly 6 years and she has always had issues with her mum growing up. Some things her mum has said/done tha... View more

My partner's mum doesn't seem to like me. She started off nice towards me, but slowly over time things have changed. I've been with my partner nearly 6 years and she has always had issues with her mum growing up. Some things her mum has said/done that bother me include: (to me) "I think you would have been a very difficult child". (to my partner, about me) "I don't need to know about her problems, I don't need that negativity, tell her not to tell me those things". Never asks me how I am, never asks about me, doesn't seem to want to know or care. Constantly changes the topic to herself when anyone else speaks about themselves. (to my partner) "What are all those spots on your face?" (referring to her pimples) & "Wow, you're so pale, you really need to tan" - just negative comments about my partners appearance in general that I find very rude & my partner feels upset about. She accidentally bleached her new towels, then blamed my partner for it when we visited one weekend, calling her the "towel wrecker". Regifting items as my Christmas presents - free items & products from hotel rooms/work functions, expired beauty products, broken/faulty things that I end up throwing away - whilst showering my partner with enormous amounts of expensive gifts. My partner feels uncomfortable with the amount her mum spends on her and has asked her to tone it back, but she hasn't. Undermining me - I bought my partner a coffee plunger & mug for work, and then my partners mum bought her the exact same things afterwards (she knew). Giving unwanted items - She recently tried to pack some food into my bag when we visited - without asking - I removed it telling her "thanks but we won't eat it, I appreciate the thought though", so I gave it back. Then, whilst I wasn't looking, she snuck out to my car and put that food behind my passenger seat. She is unable to take no for an answer, constantly disrespecting my wishes no matter how trivial. This resulted with me messaging her, thanking her, then asking her to "ask us next time so you don't go to so much trouble for something we don't need". She then texted my partner, telling her my message was so rude & mean that it made her cry. She then implied I don't truly love my partner for who she is & said, "I hope you're happy with her". I haven't spoken to her since. My partner is also unhappy about what her mum said. My partners mum texted her today asking to talk - and I'm now anxious about that, thinking what's going to happen next?

Doberman38 Dysfunctional parents; don't know what to do
  • replies: 4

I'm in my 20s and still live with my parents, but I've been increasingly unable to tolerate their somewhat turbulent relationship. This has been going on for years but now I've really had enough of it. My dad is a nice, intelligent and funny middle-a... View more

I'm in my 20s and still live with my parents, but I've been increasingly unable to tolerate their somewhat turbulent relationship. This has been going on for years but now I've really had enough of it. My dad is a nice, intelligent and funny middle-aged person, but he can also be overbearing, stubborn, short-fused and rude, particularly towards mum. He gets unnecessarily angry over the most minor things, which can sometimes lead to incomprehensible shouting. He often takes any kind criticism or advice as hostility, and responds accordingly. He also has no patience with people and he often berates my mum for not doing something correctly or misunderstanding. This sometimes results in her dissolving into tears. She also has her own emotional issues and she does have a tendency to overreact, but that doesn't diminish how clearly hurtful this behaviour is. One of the things that I particularly want to stop is how he sometimes refers to her with expletives if he's frustrated with something she, in his mind, hasn't done properly. He never says any of this to her face, and it seems like frustrated venting not intended for others to hear, but I often can hear it and it's unpleasant. I really hope I haven't given the impression that he's a really horrible person or that this is non-stop. He's always stubborn and irritable, but the more over-the-top stuff is occasional. He's friendly, generous, caring and very against misogyny. I really don't think he understands how unreasonable his behaviour can be. The problem is, I'm at a complete loss as to how any sort of progress can be made. He doesn't like to talk much about how he feels. I've mulled over having some sort of conversation with him about it one day, in a very non-confrontational, father-son chat type manner. However, I'm really worried that this would just make things worse. I just feel totally powerless when it comes to this, every possible option seems bad. I love them both so much, and I'm certain they do too, but I just feel like there's no way to stop this unhappy situation.

Mellissa23 Marriage is ending
  • replies: 6

Hi, So this is the first time im posting and feeling ashamed to be even doing this, but I'm feeling very lonely. My marriage is breaking down, I've been with my husband for 13 years, we have 2 kids. For many years his family (mainly his sister) has b... View more

Hi, So this is the first time im posting and feeling ashamed to be even doing this, but I'm feeling very lonely. My marriage is breaking down, I've been with my husband for 13 years, we have 2 kids. For many years his family (mainly his sister) has been very cruel, very loud and opinionated and I have always been told to ignore. Its got to the point where I couldn't anymore and Ive had enough and took a stand for myself. My husband does not support me he doesn't see what his sister has done to me and takes her side. He doesn't see what his parents do and just sticks up for them. This has been going on for years now and our relationship is very toxic, yelling, arguing he has thrown and broken things. He puts me down alot, when we argue, has never complimented me which has lead me to lose all my self worth, feeling good about myself. We always had ups and downs, it has been 5 years since we have been intermediate. About 5 months ago I asked him does he feel attracted to me and said he did physically but not with the person I am inside. I am a good person, I try my hardest with everything I do. But he says me as a nagging wife towards his family. In that time we have had 2 X children (through IVF as I have a fertility issue) this has made me feel so unattractive, and low self esteem. Things got really bad where he left home, walked out on a 1 half year old and was pregnant at the time. I got access to an old phone checked his emails and was talking to another woman and talking "dirty". When I had confronted him he said he did it as he could see I was accessing his emails and wanted to get a reaction out of me. We had seperated and was going down the divorce road. I decided to try marriage counseling which we agreed to give it another shot. Even though deep down my trust is gone I can never forgive him for what he did even though I said I would move on. He has broken my trust and is not remorseful. To this day he doesn't admit he has cheated even though he had and saying be did it on purpose is a cop out. We have has another big argument since he has moved back in and just feel helpless, I feel guilty for my kids that I'm not giving them a happy home, I feel like a shit mum, a shit person and just feel low. I just want a husband to love me and care and protect me!

AlwaysAloneIrish Few/No Friends at 29… Am I doomed to be old and lonely?
  • replies: 13

First post on here, not sure if this is the right area. I’m male, 29, diagnosed Asperger’s 20 years ago. I’m gay, in a stable relationship and have a stable, full time job. I should be happy, right? I’m not happy. When I was at school, I was bullied ... View more

First post on here, not sure if this is the right area. I’m male, 29, diagnosed Asperger’s 20 years ago. I’m gay, in a stable relationship and have a stable, full time job. I should be happy, right? I’m not happy. When I was at school, I was bullied and ostracised for most of it, years 2 - 12. One of the jibes I always used to get was “no friends Nigel”, coming from large groups of students pointing and laughing at me on my own. I never had a single friend throughout school, I never got invited to parties or gatherings. After school ended I thought things would get better. But the group I fell into made me the butt of all jokes. This pattern has continued in the workplace. I’m nearly 30, have no solid friends and never get visitors. I’m always calling, messaging and asking to visit others. No one ever asks me to go out or invites me anywhere Do I have a huge tattoo on my forehead that says: “Hi, I am a vulnerable dickhead and I want you to hate me!” !?! I still get haunted by intrusive memories and I can still hear the boys from school laughing at me. Not anyone from school has contacted me in the 10 years since graduating, yet they all get together regularly. My point is, I was a social reject for a decade at school during my formative years. Am I now cursed to always be a social reject, no matter how hard I try to change it? and before you say “have you tried going to a psychologist?” I can’t get any appointments because normal healthy people have all of a sudden thought they need psychology. Now all psychologists and psychiatrists are closed appointment books, or cost an arm and leg to have my time wasted repeating the same story for no gain, again and again and again. I’m not paying $200 a session, including Medicare rebate for someone to sit there an nod their head, instead of doing their job and solving my problems.

Anita-K Daughter has cut me off completely from grandkids
  • replies: 16

A few weeks ago, completely unexpectedly as we had a normal mother daughter relationship, my daughter sent me an email asking me to never contact her ever again. And I cannot have any contact with my gorgeous grandkids ever again-not even video chats... View more

A few weeks ago, completely unexpectedly as we had a normal mother daughter relationship, my daughter sent me an email asking me to never contact her ever again. And I cannot have any contact with my gorgeous grandkids ever again-not even video chats! The way the email was written, it was by my daughter but as if she had morphed into a totally different personality! I am heartbroken at the ending of our hitherto fine relationship, but most shattered at no more contact ever with granddaughter 6 or grandson 4-these kids love me so much and I love them so much! Their mum is a single mum. I think the COVID lockdown restrictions on her have given her a mental health breakdown. But she did three years ago suddenly separate and then divorce her very loving kind husband, for no reason anyone could see so this "deletion" of people from her life is not new- I just never could have foreseen that she would do this to her own mother! I have supported her through so much heavy stuff in her life including after being in a domestically violent relationship. I drove all night 600 kms interstate, picked her and her stuff up and then drove straight back 600 kms- the whole round trip in 24 hours! I attended the local police precinct with her, then attended the court case for a restraining order for her. Then she stayed at my place as an adult, for years. We went on very long daily walks together. Also I dropped everything three times in 2018, to take her to hospital when she had life threatening auto immune collapses. I have babysat the eldest child, then just 1, for a full day, in the first year after my daughter returned to work. The kids so love coming to my place to see me! I am feeling so depressed and preoccupied with this issue. I feel so helpless as she says she has me on "block" now and threatens an intervention order if I try to contact in any way. The grandkids will wonder why Grandma does not want contact with them anymore! I am distraught!

Seeking___ Anxious and insecure? Am I petty?
  • replies: 3

I know this will sound petty, but over the last 5 years I have worked so hard on myself. I found myself a partner and as of recently I feel no love toward him. Last year while setting up Duo on his phone, I found old texts and messages from women he ... View more

I know this will sound petty, but over the last 5 years I have worked so hard on myself. I found myself a partner and as of recently I feel no love toward him. Last year while setting up Duo on his phone, I found old texts and messages from women he met before and as we met from online dating. I was quite upset and wanted to end the relationship then and there. He convinced me it was nothing. Tonight I found the same numbers and old messages on another phone he's using as he broke his old phone. When I asked why he hasn't removed them, he said he hasn't gotten around to it. I Had a bad break up prior and just have trust issues. I don't know if I am being petty about it but it's just kicked my anxiety in and I feel so low and so insecure. Our relationship is failing so badly and this doesn't help. Do I leave or do I work it out? I'm just so tired and exhausted trying to survive but this is hurting. Dredging up old thoughts and feelings I haven't felt for a while. Why am I so pathetic

Yerrrrrp Broke up with bf, mixed emotions
  • replies: 7

Hi all, I broke up with my bf a few days ago and I have so many mixed emotions about it. I feel relieved because everyday was starting to feel so stressful. He seemed miserable all the time, basically hated my kids and complained about literally ever... View more

Hi all, I broke up with my bf a few days ago and I have so many mixed emotions about it. I feel relieved because everyday was starting to feel so stressful. He seemed miserable all the time, basically hated my kids and complained about literally everything even when there was nothing to complain about, he would bring something up from months ago randomly and just little tiny things that are like nothing. Now maybe that was the issue because I don't hold onto things and stay mad or annoyed about something small and stupid. So of course bringing stuff up that just seemed old and trivial months later then made me mad and I would basically ignore it so I wouldn't act mad and have an argument. Part of the problem with that is- in my opinion, you can't complain about certain things when you do the same. For example he would complain about my kids not doing housework, not working or paying their way etc etc yet he didn't pay his way or do housework, spent alot of time off work doing nothing just like my now adult son was. How could he bag out my son like he was any better when my son has contributed more money than him. Yes he bought food sometimes and cooked for everyone sometimes but alot of the time he was just petty about that stuff. He would cook food but not for the older kids. I kind of felt like it would be like me cooking for everyone but him because he didn't contribute. My kids are my kids, of course I will feed them and give them a house to live in even if they don't contribute. But they are not his kids so why should he could for them. But he was supposed to be my partner. We were never what I would call partners because of these things and so I always called him my bf. As you can probably see, there is alot to unpack here. I can see things from his point of view and I really wanted things to work out but I think we both checked out of the relationship a long time ago. He probably just didn't check out of my house because it was a free place to stay. There is so much more stuff I can't stop thinking about. So yeah It's a pretty confusing feeling time for me. I feel relieved but I also feel sad for not seeing things fully earlier and trying to fix things or not breaking up then, sad because I am alone and it's just weird. So so many things going through my head. Thanks for reading if you made it

white knight Family obligations- tolerating toxicity
  • replies: 9

All families differ. With some families and particularly when we are teens or young adults, we tend to view family as a obligation, a mandatory requirement, to get along, the persevere with them or "my world will fall apart" or "I'll hurt them" or "I... View more

All families differ. With some families and particularly when we are teens or young adults, we tend to view family as a obligation, a mandatory requirement, to get along, the persevere with them or "my world will fall apart" or "I'll hurt them" or "I'll be alone". For others that dont have this level of anxiety about family incompatibility, we can treat those abrasive family members in other ways am be content- anywhere form ceasing all contact to keeping them at arms length. The real problem escalates when the relationship becomes toxic. What is "toxic"- very harmful or unpleasant in a pervasive or insidious way. Toxicity can be temporary which is ok to take time to find remedy. Remedy can be possible as people/situation change. Over time people develop, have kids, gain maturity, have regrets and so on so there is merit in considering if the situation is workable down the track. With toxic people (to you) when it goes on for decades and has no measurable reduction in behaviour, if that relationship is still affecting your happiness then it could be beneficial in some decision making. Such decisions have various levels of action. For some it can be best to drift away without letting that person know and this has many advantages - you can still attend major family gatherings like xmas, kids birthdays etc and avoid the person. Major family developments mean you can still talk. This might seem the mature thing to do and some people claim that but for sensitive people or those that dwell on past poor experiences, it isnt always possible. Severing all contact can be the ultimate escape for some of us victims. I did it with my mother and a few friends that I found to be intolerable. Forgiveness is a great quality but self preservation is logical and can make life more calm and less controversial. What do you think about tolerating toxic family members? What action have you taken and are you happy with how it turned out? TonyWK