Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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CMF Lonely nights
  • replies: 27

Hi there,Anyone in a relationship but still feel lonely? I love time to myself but I find my self struggling lately when my partner goes home Sunday arvo & I'm sitting here on my own. I'm on my own every night when my little miss goes to bed. My part... View more

Hi there,Anyone in a relationship but still feel lonely? I love time to myself but I find my self struggling lately when my partner goes home Sunday arvo & I'm sitting here on my own. I'm on my own every night when my little miss goes to bed. My partner calls, we chat & that's fine but Sunday nights are getting hard. Maybe cos it's school holidays & little miss is at her dads? I look forward to going to work Monday so I can forget about it. The weekday routine is tiring but good. Maybe I'm not enjoying my weekends with my partner so I feel lonely in general & when he's gone it's amplified.Anyone feel the same?Cmf

CMF Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship?
  • replies: 83

So I've been wandering around the forums and reading people's threads hoping I can be of some use to someone. I've noticed I've been gravitating to threads regarding relationships and breakups and they sound quite similar and the same as my own exper... View more

So I've been wandering around the forums and reading people's threads hoping I can be of some use to someone. I've noticed I've been gravitating to threads regarding relationships and breakups and they sound quite similar and the same as my own experience. Our hearts are broken by people who: no longer want to be with us; cheat on us; stay with us but don't treat us right; That's just to mention a few. There are many reasons why relationships don't work and its always hard on the person trying to keep it together. So if someone cheats on us, treats us badly, lies to us, isn't around when we really need them, why are we so heartbroken when they leave us or why can't we leave them when we are clearly unhappy with the situation? Why do our hearts hurt so much even though it's been broken? Why do we want to stay with the person who broke it? Do we miss the person or miss the relationship or the idea of the person? I can't stand my ex most of the time, he has good traits but at times is rude, irritating, careless, selfish, treated me very badly but still I find myself feeling sad sometimes when I think of the good times but I remind myself that i'm not sure if that was the real him. I question this because he treats him mum the same way and yet she does everything for him. Yes she is annoying and overbearing but how do you treat your own mother like that when she does as much as she does for you? I used to love his laugh, the late night calls, that he made me feel like a teenager again. Now I find his laugh annoying, he's laughing at my expense, I find him irresponsible and childish. Yet I feel sad. I don't miss HIM. I miss the company, the fun, having someone to do things with. I feel lonely. None of this is a new revelation. You can google the topic and read up on it. In time we may start to enjoy being on our own again, being our own person, not being put down or treated badly. We realise we have the chance to meet someone else, someone who really wants us and treats us great, our soul mate. So why do we feel lonely and miss a person who mistreated us, or cheated on us? Why do we fight hard to be with someone who doesn't want us? Why is it so hard to move on? cmf

han111 How to overcome a fear of intimacy?
  • replies: 1

I’m 20F, and I’ve never been in a relationship before, almost solely because I have such an intense fear of physical intimacy. In my head, I think it’d be nice to have a partner and I occasionally like people (maybe twice ever), but whenever it becom... View more

I’m 20F, and I’ve never been in a relationship before, almost solely because I have such an intense fear of physical intimacy. In my head, I think it’d be nice to have a partner and I occasionally like people (maybe twice ever), but whenever it becomes anywhere close to a reality I panic and back out and often cut off the person involved. I’ve been asked out, or any basic act of intimacy suggested, and I completely panic and find any possible way out of the situation every time. I do have diagnosed anxiety, which could be related, but it seems so much deeper than that, and it’s really just related to the physicality aspect more than anything else. I thought it might just be because I’ve had very little experience, but I’ve asked a lot of friends and they all said they weren’t scared before their first times, they were thrilled. I don’t understand why I’m like this, and it’s ruining not only the potential for romantic relationships but it gets in the way of platonic relationships too. I hate that I’d be happy to live alone, even if I’d be cripplingly lonely, and I don’t understand where it comes from. I wasn’t abused as a child, I’ve not had any toxic partners. I struggled to put how it feels into words, but I hope someone can understand and could help me be more normal about it all.

Cottonsocks Past relationship patterns?
  • replies: 1

I have had a failed past relationship of 17years whom I had 2 children with.It was and is still a very bitter break up. Both children have been turned against me by their father so that is hurtful. My relationship now is with a man who tries hard but... View more

I have had a failed past relationship of 17years whom I had 2 children with.It was and is still a very bitter break up. Both children have been turned against me by their father so that is hurtful. My relationship now is with a man who tries hard but doesn't know how to give emotional support or pick up emotional cues. I have to spell everything out and am beginning to resent that I just can't be me. He is very different to me and although when we are good we are great but when we fight I feel resentment build and I have had enough of compromise. I know relationships are hard work and I do compromise yet I am so aware of past patterns occuring that I get angry and resent my partner and look at all the negatives. My past partnership was full of resentment . I was always under pressure to have everything just right in every aspect of my life. I did everything around the house, raised the kids,worked and studied. I was never valued or appreciated and never an equal or a partner.How do I stop these feelings of pressure and resentment creeping in when I don't feel my present partner is consciously trying to put pressure on me. When we fight I just get so scared of another failed relationship that I push back due to fear,anxiety and resentment and I don't know how to change the way I react. Sometimes I feel life would be easier on my own.

Alel Every aspect of my life is messed up
  • replies: 1

My family - I live in a dysfunctional household with a toxic family that doesn't fully understand what I'm going through. Constant fighting everyday. But I also feel really attached to them. Religon - I've recently lost my religion and found out I do... View more

My family - I live in a dysfunctional household with a toxic family that doesn't fully understand what I'm going through. Constant fighting everyday. But I also feel really attached to them. Religon - I've recently lost my religion and found out I don't belive in God. So I feel like I have nothing to live for or believe in. Friendship - I have no friends. Career - I don't know what I want to do in life. Mental health - My mental heath is at its worst and will be something I have to deal with for the rest of my life. I don't know what to do. I feel like everything is affecting me in a negative way. Like my whole life is so overwhelming to handle. And I feel so broken that I can never be fixed. I don't know how to find peace and feel okay when everything around me is crazy. I'm afraid things won't get better.

CountingCrows1 Depersonalisation - alone forever?
  • replies: 1

I am too scared to find a partner because I don't trust my ability to find a good man. I have depersonalisation disorder and it makes navigating life very difficult. I am always dissociated. I have a lot of pain from my childhood and past experiences... View more

I am too scared to find a partner because I don't trust my ability to find a good man. I have depersonalisation disorder and it makes navigating life very difficult. I am always dissociated. I have a lot of pain from my childhood and past experiences, so I always want to see the good in people. I can never see the red flags. I also want to stay with the guy until I am 100% sure that I should leave, so I have wasted years this way. Now I am almost 40 and single because the dissociation has contributed towards my poor choices. Now I feel like men run when they see my age because they assume 1: she wants to have kids immediately, see ya! or 2: she can't have kids/healthy kids anymore, see ya! or 3: she can't have kids, but she's attractive so she's good for sex only.Not all older women want to have flings. Some of us made poor choices and have been treated badly and really REALLY just want to finally be loved. But I don't want to burden anyone with having to be with me. That's the problem. The depersonalisation disorder is not noticeable for others, it is a hidden disorder. But it is very noticeable for myself on the inside. It causes me fatigue and also I need to spend time always masking (kind of like autistic people do, to try to appear normal and be accepted in society). I do this to make other people comfortable, because I can't be my natural self. So this is exhausting in a relationship. If I dropped the mask, the guy would get bored or frustrated with me being tired and flat/zombie all the time. If I am in a relationship, I subscribe to a lifetime of not being myself through exhausting masking. Which is no fun for me. Then I second guess if I should be/could be a mother. If I have kids, could I handle it? Would it make my dissociation and masking difficulties and fatigue worse? But would not having kids be a huge regret? Because I have so much love to give and I want to help them and watch them grow and create a beautiful family and give someone the gift of life. But would it backfire and I wouldn't be good at it? But then am I being selfish because I didn't bring a beautiful person into the world to enjoy the world and have life? So many uncertainties. So I just stay alone. I haven't had a proper relationship for almost ten years now. Even those relationships I had were the poor choice ones with abuse involved. I haven't had a nice, loving, respectful relationship since 2006. No wonder I have given up on being able to identify a nice man. I had two beautiful relationships prior to 2006. But we were young and when you are under 22 in Australia, many people just break up to explore other options. I wish I held on to one of those relationships as there was not one good choice after that. Now I am almost 40 and I am too scared to try my last year to maybe find a man and have a family. Is it slipping away from me? Will this be the biggest regret of my life? I am guessing I will get all the 'life can still be wonderful without children, there's always adoption replies.' For me adoption is not feasible financially and I don't really agree with some of the ethics of international adoption. I am also a single woman and the amount of adoptions that occur domestically in Australia is minimal, let alone to a single woman who is not financially stable and has deperosnalisation disorder. I could have a family if I met a lovely man, but I don't think I could do it alone. Well this has been one huge negative rant and I apologise for that. Thank you for reading and I hope that you are ok if you are also on this forum.

adamc Mum Blames Me For Sister's Woes
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Some months ago, Dad noticed my eldest sister sitting in the loungeroom looking down and asked her what was wrong. Mum, who was sitting nearby, stated "She sees her brother come home with all these DVDs and Blu-rays for himself and it upsets her, bec... View more

Some months ago, Dad noticed my eldest sister sitting in the loungeroom looking down and asked her what was wrong. Mum, who was sitting nearby, stated "She sees her brother come home with all these DVDs and Blu-rays for himself and it upsets her, because we can't go out and get what we want; a dog." And now, with my sister losing weight, not eating very much and looking depressed, last night Mum spoke up and said "Well, it doesn't really help when someone keeps getting parcels delivered."

G.P Wedding planning ruining our relationship
  • replies: 1

My fiance and I are just a few weeks out from our wedding, and our patience with each other and our stress levels have increased significantly. More than ever we're arguing, emotionally drained, financially depleted, losing sleep, spend less quality ... View more

My fiance and I are just a few weeks out from our wedding, and our patience with each other and our stress levels have increased significantly. More than ever we're arguing, emotionally drained, financially depleted, losing sleep, spend less quality time with each other and losing sight of the day as a celebration of us, and not the guests. We're exhausted, and admittedly I have doubts about our relationship and if going through with this is still worth it. Sometimes I do see that we have a bright future together, other times I don't see it at all. His anger bites harder, and many hurtful things are said in the moment. For me, that's the hardest part, absorbing his anger and really thinking if the anger is reflective of what's to come moving forward. I just don't know anymore. Will this all pass, or is this the end of the road for us? GP

MeccaAddict What do I do?
  • replies: 2

I (34f) am having an affair with (47m) colleagueStuck in my head.Everyone is going to think I’m an asshole, as I probably am one. In fact I know I am one, but life is complex.I’m a 34 year old female who has been with my husband also 34 for 11 years.... View more

I (34f) am having an affair with (47m) colleagueStuck in my head.Everyone is going to think I’m an asshole, as I probably am one. In fact I know I am one, but life is complex.I’m a 34 year old female who has been with my husband also 34 for 11 years. We have 2 children aged 6 & 2. Our marriage certainly hasn’t been without complications and there’s been rocky times particularly after we had our first child but we are still standing.When we met, I’d had a string of failed/bad relationships - your usual ghosting scenarios, men not wanting to commit etc… so when he came along and was so nice, I just went with it. In hindsight, it certainly wasn’t that head over heals feeling… but there was familiarity that I never worried he wasn’t going to text etc. I don’t know looking back if he was ever head over heals for me… it certainly didn’t seem to be a crazy passionate lover affair, more of a slow and steady burn.I started a new job four years ago. Our marriage was rocky with a two year old and we had some problems with interfering family members. There was a good chance for a while we would not make it. It became very volatile.I ended up striking up a friendship through work. I remember the first time I saw him and I’ve since been told vice versa. There was crazy underlining chemistry in this friendship. We ended up sitting next to each other three years ago and the friendship ramped up - we’d talk for hours when we were at work.. I looked forward to seeing him so much. At the Xmas party that year, we ended up kissing and it was incredible. A week later, I found out I was pregnant with my husband and my second child. That was that, I put things in their place. When I’d see him at work, he was like a lovestruck puppy… but respectful as well and never crossed boundaries. It was horrible having to tell him I was pregnant. Note he also has a girlfriend.I ended up having my second child and then had a years maternity leave. Life was good, I relished my life at home with my two kids. Out of sight and out of mind is really true. Once my maternity leave ended, I had to go back to work and it was like no time had passed between us. At a work do, we ended up having a great chat and said we couldn’t understand why we both liked each other so much but acknowledged that we did. We stayed out until 2am dancing after the event however no physical boundaries were crossed.Eventually we both met up once for a picnic, and kissed. The next time we met up, it was in a hotel room & there have been several meet ups since.I am in my head, thinking I want to leave my husband and that I am in love with him.He’s never asked and nor do I think he would ask me to leave, as he says he doesn’t want to hurt my family but I think he loves me too. He honestly looks at me like no one has ever looked at me before. Because our lives are so busy, the meet ups are so infrequent that I only get small tastes in to what life would be like and the remaining time we only see each other through work. He mirrors my language, shows genuine interest in my life, is affectionate when we are together which makes me think it’s more than sex. He’s told me once he feels deeply for me..I know the grass isn’t always greener, but despite my affair, I feel my marriage is stagnant. I resent the additional house duties I take on while working, I feel like the passion is not there but I also do love my husband - he’s my family and would want to remain friends should we split and share custody.I don’t know what to do. Im half thinking I should leave, break both situations off and focus on being single and my kids to get my head right.Has anyone been in a situation like this and left their current partner and come out the other side? Do you regret your choice? Would you have regretted staying more? Do I stay unhappy and wanting more from my marriage for the sake of my family? Do I blow everything apart when it may not even work out?

Soberlicious96 Two Issues with one friend and one acquaintance
  • replies: 4

Issue 1: I’m feeling a bit annoyed with L__ right now. Every time I mention my motorbike she tries to shut me down. She has an intense dislike for ‘all’ motorbikes that is, in my opinion,, not rational. Just because her brother died on one – and I kn... View more

Issue 1: I’m feeling a bit annoyed with L__ right now. Every time I mention my motorbike she tries to shut me down. She has an intense dislike for ‘all’ motorbikes that is, in my opinion,, not rational. Just because her brother died on one – and I know that is a truly awful thing and extremely devastating – doesn’t mean that I too am a bad rider. But that’s how it feels; as though she thinks I am a ‘silly risk taker’ when I am NOT. For starters, her brother, she tells me, was drunk at the time when he crashed and died. I DON’T DRINK AT ALL! I wear ALL the gear all the time (maybe no gloves around town on the odd occasion) and I ride with caution. I do NOT ride if I am feeling at all anxious or distracted or not fully physically fit for whatever reason.I feel like I want to say something to her like ‘back off’ or ‘stop judging me as being a bad rider’ but I love her and don’t want to hurt her. Losing her brother would have been awful, I understand that. But thinking that ALL riders are unsafe is ‘blanket’ thinking and unrealistic. It’s like saying ‘all men are 'nasty’ just because of one rotten egg ….. like T___ (my ex). I could EASILY say that all men are nasty, but I don’t. I know they are not, I know that is ‘blanket’ thinking and I now have PROOF they are NOT all nasty: I have a wonderful man in my life now! Issue 2: I know T___ is a wonderful young lady and I know she means well, but I just don’t have the time she wants me to have. I don’t’ have the emotional energy to …… deal with her? I know that sounds awful ……. But really, I see her as more an acquaintance than a friend ….. and I think she sees me as a friend more than an acquaintance. I mean, sure, we worked together for a couple of years, but that was work. And it was a long time ago now. I tend to let go of work friends. Work friendships are not like personal friendships. They’re different. She keeps asking to catch up for coffee and I just keep saying no. I have tried the polite rebuff for a long time now and it’s not sinking in. Full time work is taking up huge chunks of my time and I barely have time now for my CLOSE friends and family, let alone those in a more outer-circle. I feel pressured by her to catch up when really, I just don’t want to. Maybe it's her disability that prevents her from understanding subtle social cues? I don't know. I do NOT in any way want to offend her or hurt her, but I really just don't have the time or the energy to maintain a 'friendship' that is outside of my energy radar. Anyway, any help or suggestions as to who to handle these two situations would be most appreciated. Thanks.