Single Fatherhood

[Robby60]

Anyone other single fathers lived through co-raising a child with a reasonably intelligent, manipulative, superficially engaged but covertly resentful, sabotaging and destructive mother very good at duping school staff and assorted people into believing they are wonderful and you are sullen? It really, really sucks. I don’t have any pressing issue right now but the effect of going through this has left me mistrustful, unwilling to be alone with any female and rather socially isolated. I wonder if there’s other single fathers who feel this way.

[white knight]

Hi Robby, welcome

I've had similar so I'll briefly share. She was 19yo me 29 when we married back in 1985. We eventually had 2 children girls. We were poor so I had 3 jobs so she could remain home with the children, a home maker, her choice and I would have taken on that role if she didnt want it. For the 11 years we were married she was lazy so I ended up doing the washing, cooking errands and so on. The more I did the less she did. Eventually we split and the loss of my full time fatherhood was devastating.

I was then constantly put down with comments like "I'm the mother though" ... in response to my request to take our kids to a parent and teacher night "all that is taken care of, your visitations dont include more than every second weekend". (I went anyway- alone). She had held a grudge that I left her. When dropping off our kids I used to walk 3 metres to a side fence and pat our dog, more my dog than anyones but couldnt have him in a caravan park, then she said "you are no longer permitted to pat the dog". Part of our marriage settlement was that I got the garage... Using a hose to wash it down to paint it as my new council had insisted, she appeared "thats my water... and I hope you are happy- our kids could have played table tennis in that garage" (she got the house and the small mortgage).  You get the picture.

So apart from our eldest leaving her to live with me when she reached 12yo (causing my ex to hate me more) I decided during this period up till our youngest was 18yo to play along and ignore the nastiness but when our youngest was to turn 18 I would sever all contact forever. Thats exactly what happened. Normally I'd do it face to face but due to distance I text her- "under no circumstances ever contact me again"

So now my youngest is 32yo that was 14 years ago and no contact. It's been bliss. The only ramification has been that since our eldest came to live with me our youngest had adopted all the nastiness her mother taught her, to such a degree I cut all contact with her about 4 years ago. Very painful and sad. 

So my suggestion based on that is to dedicate yourself to your kids and swallow the nastiness from their mother as if it has no effect. A common reply of mine would be "I'm not in this world to live up to your expectations, only the courts and my own". Allow her to manipulate others- they will learn eventually and who cares if they dont, manipulators are crafty and you cant compete.

I remarried 13 years ago and the 2 females are totally different. I would put aside the tarnish your ex has put on all women but I have one other word of advice. With prospective ladies seek a nurturing one that loves all children. For 110 years I lived with a woman that was possessive and not really wanting my children in our lives. It could only end one way.

We are here if you like to add to your post, ask questions and so on. 

"Hath no fury than a woman scorned" fits some people males included.

TonyWK

[Robby60]

Hi WN Thanks for your reply,

I (and my son who lives with me) has had no contact with his mother for about 8 years. He is in his 20s now. Sad but for the best in the circumstances. Her behavior was literally criminal but of course I couldn't prove it.

What made it worse was the conduct of all kinds of people in the periphery. School staff were hideous female chauvinists constantly snubbing me, failing to notify me of info etc. When the mother went to child protection they all jumped and put me through the wringer, temporarily suspending my contact. When I went there (to genuinely try to protect my child) they varied between hostile and dismissive and took no action. In John Hirst's 'Kangaroo Court' he describes the Family Court as a child abuser. Until you've been through what I've been through it's difficult to see that it actually is.

In the APA guidelines for psychological practice with boys and men introduction it states, "Although boys and men, as a group tend to hold privilege and power based on gender..." and "...many report distinctive barriers to receiving gender-sensitive psychological treatment...". Well golly gee can't imagine why. It's so condescending and insulting. Female chauvinism seems to me to have infiltrated pretty well every institution.

There are a few women around who are also sick of it, Bettina Ardnt, Janice Fiamengo, Camille Paglia etc. But I see nothing but red flags in the women I've met in my social world in recent years.

[randomxx]

Hi there op.

While thankfully we didn't need courts and we've still managed to work together 12yrs now and still do now, d is 22, there's been some of that going on right through to.

Any women in anything to do with anything automatically assume you were the big bad husband and turn to the mother first, every bloody time. And the few that might not normally be that bad like some family members or women that have gone through fair marriage break ups and parenting, have often had your ex's story just in my case slightly tinted to suit their means.

And my ex was one of the good ones basically and l've hung on and worked hard at keeping it that way but l still found clues and heard things that and felt the reception from others that pretty well spelt the picture out they'd been fed.

Ha, yet l was the one wanted to save the family for my d, there were no other women and l hadn't planned on going anywhere back at the time.

lt was also just mid boggling the way as a dad in this position you were received or treated as opposed to the mother, even if they didn't know either of us, still all the same stuff.

No red carpet anywhere for me as the dad, it was sickening. No compassion or understanding of what l'd be going through, very few rights and many many assumptions .

Ex on the other hand, broke up the family for another man could do no wrong and had the carpet rolled out and people bending over backwards for her all over the place, family included. There were so many things and groups and benefits out there to help what they called single mothers ha, she wasn't a single mother anyway there were still two loving parents in this, it all just made me sick to the stomach.

rx