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Spouse with addiction

Community Member

My husband has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. He has a porn addiction and has had for many years. 
The porn doesn’t bother me, it’s the messaging of other women sending photos etc that does. I tried to get onboard a few years ago and was joining in with him but I didn’t like the time it was taking from us. 
he agreed to stop, but then found out later he was still messaging said gym friend on a different social media platform and was deleting everything so I wouldn’t find it. 

we had some time apart and have been working hard on fixing things. he acknowledged this was out of his control because of the ADHD (not medicated yet). But I’ve recent had a feeling something was off. I’ve since found he has an only fan account and a secret email address. I also think he has a seperate messenger account but I have no prof of him sending messages as I can’t access the actual content. 
I don’t know how to approach the subject because I was snooping through his devices which isn’t right. Even if I do approach him he will bluntly lie. 
Is this normal behaviour for ADHD? Should I just let it go. I don’t want to break our family up we have 2 kids that dote on him. 
this is giving me so much anxiety, I don’t sleep, and just don’t feel happy like I use to. I don’t know what to do. I love him but not the addiction.

1 Reply 1

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear MrsNellie~

Welcome here to the forum. It sounds as if you have a difficult problem to try to cope with. I'm not a doctor and cannot say if there is any link between porn a diction and ADHD, than again I can't say there is not. You would not doubt need to go to an experienced specialist to find out more.


You have said he acknowledges there is a problem and it would sound sensible for him to seek medical assistance for the ADHD, and then take it from there. Do you think there is any possibility this might happen?


You have tried to fit in with his activity, but although considerate it has not worked, and if he is being messaged by others that is not surprising. That I'm sure made a big difference ot how you feel, you might well feel as if you are being pushed ot one side and not the center of his life.


Apart from porn one of the main things that I believe damages relationships is lies and lack of trust. If I was going to approach the subject I might do so from htat angle and see if he would stop hiding things and drifting further away as a result.


I know you value your relationship and two children for whom he is a big part of their lives. Do you  think he might see you and them as being a big enough part of his life to be straightforward - that does not necessarily mean stopping using porn at this stage, but being honest and trying to treat you with more respect?


One thing at a time.


Please tell me what you think