Why do I feel so shaken up, even if I gave my full consent?

[Guest_94201594]

for a quick context: I met a guy a few weeks ago, who seemed nice and friendly. However, after knowing him for a week he started inviting me to various activities with his group of friends (a mix of males and females, including his then girlfriend) and I didnt think much of it, I was just excited to make new friends. 

A very short time after meeting, I discovered he broke up with his girlfriend. not even the next day, he admits to liking me, however i stupidly believed that we werent in a relationship/not going to act on this 'liking'. Also, he is quite a bit older than me.

Just a week after him admitting to liking me, and despite multiple friends warning me to cut him off, I ended up in a sexual situation which I wont go into. Even though I gave consent at the time, I was drunk, and did not enjoy it. Ive showered so much but I can't get the feeling of disgust off me. I feel incredibly violated and I would consider it a traumatising experience. 

The next day I was so off that I eventually confided in my friends, who helped me message him, and now I'm ghosting him for the time being. I cant believe I was so stupid as to get myself into that situation, knowing I don't reciprocate the attraction. Any advice on how to overcome the sexual trauma or explain my sudden coldness to him would be much appreciated (as far as he knows, I had a good time), I feel extremely guilty about everything and uncomfortable in my own skin.

[tranzcrybe]

Sex is an interesting mix of head, heart, and hormones; and when all these things are in agreement, the magic really happens...

On reflection, how did you score?
I don't think your heart was in it, and your head was compromised with booze, so that only leave the hormones - but they only control 'doing the deed'; the machinery, so to speak.

Your lover seems to have been more interested in his own gratification, otherwise he would have monitored your responses for what is supposed to be a shared and mutually fulfilling experience.

"...ghosting him for the time being..." ? Hm, perhaps, with a little self-restraint; but it's your body, and self-respect starts with listening to what it is trying to tell you.

Nevertheless, don't be too harsh on yourself as there are many external influences and preconceptions of what we are expected to do - all rubbish of course, so we can only fumble through before gaining the necessary skills.

Mistakes are just a part of that journey until eventually finding what is right.

[sbella02]

Hey, thank you so much for reaching out and welcome to the forums. I'm so sorry to hear that this has happened to you, and I can understand your feelings. I've been in a similar situation, although it happened quite a while ago now. I won't go into the details but there was coercion, blurred lines surrounding what I consented to, and the feeling of guilt and self-blame afterwards. 

First of all, your feelings are valid. You're feeling uncomfortable and violated, and you didn't find the experience enjoyable. I would also argue that proper consent cannot be given if you're intoxicated. Intoxication impairs your ability to make rational decisions and therefore, your ability to give adequate consent. 

I feel your pain, I really do empathise with you. I can also understand your feelings of guilt. I just want to emphasise that it is not your fault, and also that this experience does not define you. With him also being older than you and likely emotionally vulnerable after a breakup, it sounds like he may have been using you, regardless of whether he intended to or not, which in itself can feel terrible. 

Try to do things to connect with yourself and foster a positive relationship with your body. My experience took a toll on my self-esteem, my level of comfort in other sexual encounters, and even in several of my interpersonal relationships, so I started to spend more time getting to know and love myself in different ways. There's self-care, which could include a relaxing bath or a skincare routine. If you have hobbies or interests, these are great ways of connecting with and learning more about yourself really quickly. Journaling really helped me - I wrote a letter addressed to the person who was responsible for my experience, never intended to be sent and only intended for my catharsis. Talking to people about your experience tends to help, if you feel comfortable.

Even seeking advice from a GP, therapist, or psychologist, who can also connect you with support groups if you feel like that's something that would interest you.

Feel free to keep chatting if you'd like, I know how helpful it can be to write it all out. We're here for you.

Take care, SB

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at such an incredibly upsetting time in your life. I feel for you so deeply, given what you're facing.

As a gal who used to be quite a drinker, it took me many years to finally make greater sense of the impact alcohol had in my life back in the day. The reason I mention alcohol specifically is based on how it can impact us on what I'd call a soulful or soul destroying level. While its mental and physical impact can be obvious and well documented through a whole stack of textbooks, I think the more soulful or natural aspect doesn't always seem so obvious. Alcohol alters consciousness or states of consciousness. When fully conscious, we can channel the sage in us (with all its wisdom), the analyst in us (that can help us determine what's logical or the best move), the moral part of us (that can direct us to not go against our own set of moral guidelines or standards) etc etc. When semi conscious or completely unconscious (both based on alcohol consumption), those parts tend to go 'offline'. In regaining full consciousness the next day, it can be a little like 'Oh, sh**, what the hell happened? Oh my gosh, what have I done?!'. Once the sage, analyst or moral facet of us have come back online, they can all begin chatting away up there in our head. The inner dialogue can feel like a kind of hell on earth. The inner critic would have to be the worst of all, when it comes to inner dialogue. 

'To be in 2 minds at once' is an old saying that typically refers to indecisiveness. 'Do I do this or do I do that?'. To be in 2 minds or more at once in constructive ways, can be a whole other thing. To offer an example, while the question may be 'How could I have let that happen?', the sage or analyst in you may say 'It's not your fault, faults can come with a lack of full consciousness, a lack you were never prepared for. Don't be so hard on yourself while you're trying to make sense of this'. While you may question 'Did he strategically take advantage, based on the state I was in?', this is a fair question. If he did, this points to his fault or set of faults. The sage in you may suggest 'His faults are nothing for you to feel ashamed about. You remain a conscious person, whereas he has a long long way to go when it comes to being a more conscious and considerate person'. One could actually say that such a self serving state of ignorance (choosing to ignore the need for greater awareness) is criminal. Such blatant ignorance, besides being sickening and disgusting, is recognised by law. Nothing quite like the threat of jail time to potentially wake a person up to their sickening, disgusting, ignorant, self serving and soul destroying nature.

While all this may sound somewhat analytical, I struggled terribly for years (emotionally) with such situations when I was younger. While there were times where I can recognise my semi conscious choices were simply not good choices, there were a couple of occasions where those who set out to take advantage were happy to serve me alcohol. Have faith that you have the wisdom in you to help you make sense of this over time. Wisdom and support from others can help speed up the process of becoming more conscious of what took place. Love yourself enough to seek answers. The 'ghosting' thing may come down to trying so hard to work through and make sense of so many tough and mixed emotions at the moment. If he is a genuinely caring person who shared an equal lack of consciousness at the time, he might be able to help make sense of the emotions. If he's a self serving a-hole, which your friends may be suggesting, cut him off completely this very second unless confronting him proves to be therapeutic for you.

[Tibel]

This is a classic example of a date rape. Right down to your response to it, including feelings of disgust and self-blame.

He likely knew what he was doing, and just wanted to take advantage of you sexually. While this is somewhat speculative, the situation you've described is just all too familiar. It seems like there was a reason your friends wanted you steer clear of him - because he's literally a rapist. This isn't your fault, naivety isn't a crime, and it's unfortunate that people like him exist, but they do, and if there's something to be gained from the experience it's that many people simply lack the empathy and compassion to see beyond their own base desires. I'm sorry you had to through this, and I would recommend seeking professional help.