My dad doesn't want to be involved in my life anymore

[rai]

I'm 14 and earlier this week my parents made it official that they are splitting up. I already knew this was coming as my mum had spoken about it and my parents couldn't really have a conversation without arguing. It is a long story but today we had another family discussion and my dad clearly does not want to leave my mum. He wants to stay together and he asked me a question. "Would you rather our family stick it out together or me and your mum go our separate ways and our family is destroyed?" I hate that he asked me this because I don't want to make any decision on this but I responded and said "Yes obviously it would be nice if you guys could stay together but honestly I just want you guys to be happy, and if that means you guys separate well then that's what I want." He said that I am just on my mums side and am not sticking up for our family, but how am I- 'the child' supposed to decide what's right?? My dad wants to stay and my mum wants to go so all I want is for them to be happy and that's the truth. Well I was getting upset hearing him getting mad at me for my answer because I'm not supporting him and I really just felt like crying. So I went to my bedroom and was trying to distract myself from everything going on when he came in my room after him and my mum finished their conversation and he said that he doesn't want my opinion on anything and doesn't want to communicate with me either. He said that I don't care about him even though I was crying because I care for him the other day and he basically stated that he doesn't want to be involved with me and doesn't even want me to visit him after the separation. He keeps on trying to manipulate me even though I want to be there for him and live with him to care for him because he is sick. He left my room and kept on talking to my younger sister (11 years old) saying that he loves her and was thanking her for looking after him. I'm so sad, I thought I was a good daughter, I never thought he'd leave me. I still love him and forgive him but this is so unfair. I deserve a dad too

[blondguy]

Hey Rai

A very warm welcome to the Beyond Blue forums and especially for your courage to post.  You are an amazing person. I understand your pain as I have been through the same years ago with my parents and it hurts.

You mentioned that your dad said "Would you rather our family stick it out together or me and your mum go our separate ways and our family is destroyed?"  I find this so sad that a father can ask his young daughter a question like this. Your father wanting to ask you questions that supported his side of the marital break up is unacceptable. 

We dont have immediate chat yet may I ask how you are feeling at the moment?  Any questions are always welcome 

Im Paul, we also have many gentle people that can be here for you 

you are strong rai

If you require a phone chat our friends at Kids Helpline are available 24 hours a day 365 days a year for young people from 5 to 25 on 1800 55 1800. Like Beyond Blue Kids Helpline is confidential.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi rai,

 I just wanted to support you and fully agree with Paul that it isn’t the right thing for your dad to put you in the position of having to give an opinion on your parent’s marital decisions. While your dad may be upset right now you are just 14 and you are in no way responsible for his emotional state nor the outcomes of your parent’s marital situation. I’m hoping your dad will settle down a bit. I think trying Kids Helpline as Paul suggests is a good idea as it’s the sort of thing the trained counsellors there are equipped to provide advice and support on.

When I was 22 I had my mum ask me if she should leave dad and I found that really hard as a young adult. It would be particularly hard at 14 having a parent asking you about their life decisions. You show a lot of wisdom, insight and maturity for your age. Know that you have done nothing wrong and that there are supports out there to talk to.

Take good care,

Eagle Ray