Hi welcome
This is extremely distressing for you. I am estranged from one daughter of two and it took me a long time to move on and that moving on is never 100% complete but can be sustainable in terms of living a happy life overall. This might not be apparent yet as its early days for you.
You havent explained any reason that you are aware of, with her belief that she feels "abandoned and neglected". Perhaps this is the key to any possible future repair so maybe you can do some soul searching or ask your ex to help you seek elaboration of what she means. Sometimes it doesnt take much for a child to feel abandoned, like a new relationship for the parent can inflame any jealousy and so on.
In the meantime, this "moving on" that I propose may take many years and depends on the person. My daughter was 14yo when she rang me to tell me "I dont want to see you anymore".. devastating. I guess her mother sort revenge as my older daughter had left home to live with me. So for the following 12 years until she reached 26yo I saw her every 2 years or so and only when she wanted something like money or she sort gossip or information about my life. On each occasion however she only ever used facebook which allowed her to block me for a couple of years until she was ready for the next contact (abuse). So, eventually, 5 years ago it happened again. So I made the very tough decision to block her and remove her from my life.
Strategies in moving on.
- Keep busy, fill every day with activities as these distract your mind from being idle and into thinking/grieving about your child. Join clubs, volunteer for activities.
- Share your grief. No one has a perfect family life so when you have a close friend, communicate your sadness and they might do the same.
- Respect her decision. As rash as her decision might seem, she is old enough to marry, old enough to decide who she wants in her life. Even if in your mind she isnt justified, to her the reasons are justifiable or its part of a revenge campaign. That's tough to read but you will live in hope that one day her mind sees a light that tells her that her kids wont have one grandma and she wants a mother. It means you have no control and thats hard to bare.
- Ask your ex if he can drop a subtle hint that you would enrich her life by being in it.
- Expand your loved ones. This means that other people close to your daughters age means a mentality that blood doesn't mean compatibility and offering love and guidance to another person is a good ideal in life. You obviously have a huge heart, why not spread it around? Seek those that want you! My MIL chose a foster son to give her love to. Some dedicate their lives to rescue animals etc.
- Be gentle with yourself, feeling down? pamper yourself. Feeling really down how about group therapy? Depression? seek a visit to your GP. You are not a super human.
- A birthday card is your choice and I think its fine to send one. What she does with that is her choice. It's likely the biggest gift you can give- your heart in words.
- Writing- I use poetry but just writing things down helps. I've written 100's of pages and thrown them all in the bin. It's a release.
I hope I've mentioned something that could help.
BTW. I used to wonder what I'd do if my daughter knocked on my door. I've decided that I'd offer her a cuppa and chat, however gone would be the soft dad that gave her money or sympathised with her. I would be firm and not accept that I'd want her back in my life. I would not want to see any grandkids if she had them as they would be taken from me one day in the future. I would not want to see a husband or BF. Why talk to her? For my own benefit, that I'd feel guilty slamming the door on her. I would be happier knowing I was civil.
TonyWK
