Jealous of boyfriends ex

[Von is lost]

I am feeling very jealous of my boyfriend’s past relationship of 5 years. I am jealous of all the things they did together, and I’m also jealous that they still catch up every so often when they are in the same town. I understand that they were together for 5 years but I also can’t see the point of staying friends with an ex. I also find myself asking him more and more about her to investigate and obtain details about her which just ends up making me feel worse for knowing more. I don’t want to feel like this everytime she comes up in conversation but I don’t know how to stop. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

It's quite brave of you facing this issue that you yourself have identified as being a problem.

I've had 4 long term relationship each over 7 years duration. 2 out of the 4 ladies were the jealous type. I was careful with those two not to mention that I'd bumped into an ex at the shopping centre or read a story about them in the local paper of our small town. I'd even pretend that I didnt see them drive past us when we drove our car. And thats the result of jealousy - that your partner will end up living a life of pretend to safeguard themselves from multiple questions and possible innuendo. 

However, jealousy is also a natural feeling for many people. Some might say it's due to the level of love you feel for your partner, or fear that they will reunite or even immaturity. But it's interesting what my wife says about the topic- "I've never been jealous because I trust my husband".

Why is that significant? Well because when she says that to me I feel our marriage is really secure and I can feel free to bump into my ex and chat. The topics one can cover in a general chat is vast, from her kids to her hobby to her boyfriend I'd never met. So all that would be good because thats how adults should communicate. But what if a comment or two stepped over the line? Like "we had good times, wonder if we'll ever return to them"? or "are you as happy with her than you were with me". Now there is numerous ways for a person to answer these intrusive questions but in general they should be answered in a manner that deters them from going further otherwise its encourages the flirting to continue. So- "I wont discuss that except to say we are happy". That is all you can expect- general loyalty with the use of boundaries. Such intrusive questions about ones relationship can come without warning and the response one gives can be regretful as it isnt as clear cut as it should be. So there is a lot of flexibility to be had in these circumstances, as long as their intent is there to remain loyal. 

So what can YOU do? Well I would have a serious chat with your partner about boundaries that you expect from him and he to you. Also express that you've sort opinion on how to approach the topic of your jealousy, that although it can lead to problems, that its natural for some people and you intend to work your way past it but it could take some years of reassurance from him and change from you.

What I would encourage from him is for him to not hide his encounters of meeting up with an ex, that he can tell you all the details even though it will make you feel insecure. Tell him that this is the process as a means to an end. His understanding of you and your needs for reassurance is his part in the effort.

BTW, I'm a 69yo guy that enjoys fashion. I comment with my wife each night about the weather girls dress, if it suits her etc. Once I bought take away and the lady had a beautiful hair style. I complimented her on it. But, then said "I'm happily married there's my wife in the car- I just like fashion" to which she replied "thats great we all like compliments". When I returned to the car I pointed out what happened and my wife saw through the shop window, the lady and her hair. "gee Tony, thats a really a nice hairstyle isnt it". Total trust, freedom for me to be myself but notice how I told the lady I was married to ensure it was only a compliment?

There's a difference between excessive restrictions based on jealousy that promotes fear .. and acceptable relationship boundaries. The latter is justifiably accepted in a monogamous relationship... the former is potentially problematic. 

I hope I helped. As you both develop your strategies you'll find this issue will drift away and you'll know each other much better.

TonyWK 

[blondguy]

Hello Von is lost

Good on you for having the courage to post and thankyou! 

Jealously is a powerful emotion. I understand your feelings and they can be powerful for sure.

You mentioned ' I also can’t see the point of staying friends with an ex' That is the healthiest comment I have read on the forums for a long time! You are spot on and well said 🙂

You wont feel like this for a long time as the memories will fade. Let time pass.

There is no such thing as a dumb question on the forums

Your questions are always welcome!

my kindest

Paul

[Von is lost]

Thank you both!

you make some good points.

its just so odd because I can feel quite confident in myself and our relationship but one tiny comment about her or something can make me feel awful in my stomach.

im feeling a bit better about it but for some reason i took a mug that he has that she made. He doesn’t really use it ever but im not sure why i took it. I think i will put it back when i visit him next but im confused why i did it - like was i going to break it or throw it out or something? Which I know isnt logical or very considerate but it was an impulse move