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30 and lost myself
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I have spoken with my father, brother and sister in law who have made me feel like the worst possible person for doing this, yet the abuse I’ve copped from them and my husband included seems to be ok? now I feel like I’m a worthless piece of poop. I am losing my mind and everyone in my family thinks I am too.
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Welcome to the Forums and thank you for your post. It is not always easy to be so open and honest.
It sounds like you have faced some really challenging times and have felt let down by a lot of people in your life, both recently and for many years before. Abuse is never okay and I am so sorry that this is something that you have experienced for so long. It is understandable for there to be doubts and hesitation towards your husband when there has been a long history of abuse.
It can be really hard when we reflect on some of our actions that we regret, especially any that aren’t compatible with our typical values. It was a huge step to talk to others about this. You are still a worthwhile, valuable person.
Do you have a counsellor you can speak about this with? It sounds like it could be good to have a neutral third-party who will be able to support you, judgment-free. You deserve to be able to talk about what you have been through without feeling shamed or worthless afterwards.
In the meantime, I hope this community can act as a welcoming and judgment-free space for you. Feel free to let us know how you have been going this week.
Kind regards
Sophie M
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A warm and loving welcome to you at such a deeply tormenting time in your life ❤️
I think others don't always realise the impact of depressing cycles and what such an impact can do to a person over time. It can be easy for others to judge while not being able to relate through personal experience. In some cases, we don't fully realise what such cycles can do to us until hindsight becomes somewhat clearer. While a one off event, experience or behaviour from our partner can impact us in some ways, cycles are a different story. Cycles can gradually change us, they can sometimes bring out highly questionable parts of us or the best in us. They can ware us down or eventually fire us up. They can be impacting in many ways.
While you get a sense that the saboteur in you has come to life, I'm wondering whether it could be a different part of you or an additional part of you that could be driving you.
- Could it be the carefree part of you that's coming to life? 'I could not care less. I'm done with depressing cycles of abuse. I just don't care anymore and it's a relief not to care so much. I'm just going to do whatever makes me happy, for a change'
- Could it be the intolerant part of you that's trying to come to life and fire you up through a sense of anger? 'All you people can go to hell! I'm no longer going to tolerate the abuse, degradation, depressing attitudes and behaviours from you all!'
- Could it be the lover in you that's longing for you to experience love in a different sense? If love is found in evolution and us facilitating and supporting the evolution of others or them facilitating and supporting our evolution, the question becomes 'Is that person or are those people helping raise me, leading me to evolve in many ways, or are they actually bringing me down?'. At times, the lover in us may insist 'You need to focus on loving yourself, raising yourself, leading yourself to experience a difference from what brings you down'
I believe we're multifaceted by nature and there will be some aspects of our nature that will come to life under a variety of circumstances. Being a sensitive gal, I like to consider the words 'Lose your mind and come to your senses'. In other words, stop thinking so much and start sensing more (a practice which helps develop intuition and self trust). For example, 'Do I think these people are depressing me or do I feel/sense them depressing me?'. 'Do I think I need to tap into the intolerant part of myself and perhaps the sage in me, in order to manage these people, or do I feel/sense a strong need to?'. 'Do I think I need guidance or do I feel/sense the need for it?'.
