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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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white knight Disowning relatives
  • replies: 39

10 years ago I turned 58yo and forcibly retired from work due to MH issues. I needed to regroup, put myself, my daughter and my wife ahead of- everyone. Like many I had a toxic family that ranged from borderline PD to bipolar to anxiety and the dread... View more

10 years ago I turned 58yo and forcibly retired from work due to MH issues. I needed to regroup, put myself, my daughter and my wife ahead of- everyone. Like many I had a toxic family that ranged from borderline PD to bipolar to anxiety and the dreaded narcissism. Having my own bipolar, anxiety and high functioning autism (recent revelation), I was not much different to my blood relatives except for the narcissism. Ok, that said I decided to give some relatives one last chance which fed my need to not hold any guilt in the future by rash decisions. There is the hard and the easy way to cope with rejecting relatives. With previous attempts when younger I'd crumble at the thought, then crumble again when I grieved for them, so I had become a boomerang family member. When I returned to my family the narcs were happy not to talk about what the issue was, to resolve so recurrence didnt happen, so again and again it repeated. But something changed at 58yo. I decided a few things- that blood relatives no longer automatically had my presence, that I had the right to reject them for a peaceful existence.that seeking stability I needed to ensure I didnt have unstable people in my life, that I was to create my own "more" stable worldthat my wife should no longer carry the burden of my family upsets when she had come from a stable upbringingthat 58 years was long enough and if I was lucky enough to last another 25 years that I could choose then to mould those years into happier timesThe above decision making says it all and I've gradually found peace from family problems. Yes, the occasional relative I still have in my life will call and ask if they can mediate and I politely decline. Those calls are examples of the triangulation from rejected family members. Do I miss them- oh, yes, but the cycle would return if I allowed them back in. My family ensured that guilt was a major weapon so I know my guilt especially that my 93yo mother is still alive, would eat at me. But alas, if I visited her after so many years I know the guilt would be her priority then she'd haunt me from her grave. Troubled people have to build a world around themselves and only issue passes to those that either understand or have a level of loyalty that you feel safe with. These are desperate situations, suicidal thoughts, attempts, suffering through rage and comments from despicable people. Being blood does not mean you are a punching bag. If thats you then untie the rope, let that bag drop... TonyWK

PsychedelicFur My Dad puts so much pressure onto me.
  • replies: 1

Hey there, I'm in my early twenties and my father puts so many responsibilities onto me. It feels like he is co dependent on me. Don't get me wrong, I DO love him. I just feel like I'm messed up from a lot of things that have happened to me in the pa... View more

Hey there, I'm in my early twenties and my father puts so many responsibilities onto me. It feels like he is co dependent on me. Don't get me wrong, I DO love him. I just feel like I'm messed up from a lot of things that have happened to me in the past from both of my parents. For instance, I have to pay half of the rent. I understand people my age, if they live with their parents have to pay board. And I am willing to do that but half of the rent just seems unreasonable. He would say to me "well, if I was by myself I would just live in a caravan park. You are the one who wants to live in a house." He would use me as a mini therapist when I was 4 or 5 years old, because my parents relationship was pretty rocky. When I even suggested about moving out with my past partner he would say "well, where would I go?" And then If I had a partner and would go out with them or stay a few days at their house he would make me feel guilty because he was home alone and he didn't have someone to spend time with. It's so hard.

ifer partner goes to psych ward, breaks up with me and ghosts me
  • replies: 1

My partner of two years recently broke up with me, saying they still love me but that our relationship had become too codependent. Shortly before the breakup, they were involuntarily admitted to a psych ward, and it felt like they did a complete 180 ... View more

My partner of two years recently broke up with me, saying they still love me but that our relationship had become too codependent. Shortly before the breakup, they were involuntarily admitted to a psych ward, and it felt like they did a complete 180 afterward. We had plans for the day after the psych ward so I thought we were okay. Since then, they’ve completely ghosted me before I could even react, and I feel like I’ve lost everything. We had plans to move in together, get married, have kids. I see my faults in the relationship, but I never would have thought things were beyond mending. I’m struggling with the pain of the breakup, the silence, and the sense of abandonment, even though I understand the need for space. I want to focus on healing and becoming more independent, but I’m overwhelmed by loneliness and still hold hope for reconnecting in the future. How can I move forward while navigating these feelings?

Ann776 My 76 year old father tells me all time he wants to die
  • replies: 2

My dad has been a drinker (not alcho) his whole life. Has always had a short temper and never really was emotionally available as a kid to me and my sister. Never talks about his feelings or wants to genuinely connect with us. He cheated on my mum 20... View more

My dad has been a drinker (not alcho) his whole life. Has always had a short temper and never really was emotionally available as a kid to me and my sister. Never talks about his feelings or wants to genuinely connect with us. He cheated on my mum 20 years ago and stayed with that lady for 10 years till she died. Then he got more negative if thats possible. I have tried many things like trying to go to movies, walk, concert etc with him.. He doesnt want to even if its something he said he wanted to do. Im 48 gone through two hectic cancers in last 10 years. When he come to see me in hospital he got angry with me for crying and said im tougher then this and if i dont stop crying he wont visit me. Hes not a bad guy. he has bought me a car. but hes just emotionally not there EVER... my whole life. I dont care as i know who he is but it annoys me to no end that he trys to make out im a bad daughter if i dont chase him.. like he will call me and say ": why havent you called me"? i said well why havent u called me ph works both ways... then he gets shits and hangs up. Its always about him.. hes single and its my job to jump as a companion and call on him all the time to see " if hes still alive as he puts it"... ON our last phone call he said he didnt care if he got hit by a bus (he says this stuff alot even though i have asked him not too... then in next breathe he says do you want to catch up. I said how about we leave it till another time till u feel better as he is sooo depressing .. he got annoyed and hung up. then i texted him saying im happy to go to drs with him to look at antidepressants etc for him and i love him. He has continually said stuff like this to me after me telling him not too. Im already struggling mentally after cancer... he doesnt care. keeps doing it. My sister said he doesnt do it to her and that hes only doing it to me to try to manipulate a visit. IM annoyed with him as he was an unavailable father who never really had any interest when we were younger.. never heard from him when his girlfriend was alive and now all of a sudden he expects me to act eager and always wanting to contact him despite his negative and dreary atmosphere he carrys with him whereever he goes. He puts a downer on even my overseas trips i go on telling me bad stuff is going to happen. He never listens to anyone... meditation is that my only saviour ahaha. thanks for listening

Guest_10050 Finding out my brother died via email
  • replies: 1

Hi, I'm new here. I lost my brother in December 10 years ago but didn't know until 5 weeks later in January 2015. Not only has he died, but they cremated him 5 days before I learnt via email. I still feels rather like 10 months ago, not 10 years. Kin... View more

Hi, I'm new here. I lost my brother in December 10 years ago but didn't know until 5 weeks later in January 2015. Not only has he died, but they cremated him 5 days before I learnt via email. I still feels rather like 10 months ago, not 10 years. Kind regards.

Nelly-Kelly2 2 awesome men in my life and struggling
  • replies: 5

So I’ve been in a relationship with a man (man 1) for 12 years. I love him but not the way he wants me to love him. He’s like a really good friend.Recently I started a bit of a fling with another man (man 2) that I’ve known for 20 years and we both g... View more

So I’ve been in a relationship with a man (man 1) for 12 years. I love him but not the way he wants me to love him. He’s like a really good friend.Recently I started a bit of a fling with another man (man 2) that I’ve known for 20 years and we both get along soo well it’s ridiculous. We get each other. We both love each other but some of my family are trying to persuade me otherwise. ‘Man 1’ is very clingy and i feel like he watches me like a hawk. He is so detail oriented and I feel like I can’t do anything because he is so attentive of everything I do and I feel like he’s watching me like a hawk. Man 2 lets me be who I am and doesn’t judge me. I feel like I can be myself. I’ve moved in and moved out half a dozen times since this has all been going on and I have a lot of issues like anxiety and depression and I don’t know if I should let man 1 go so he can move on but I’m scared that it might not work with man 2 and I end up being sad and alone.

Guest_23347732 Husband cant regulate his emotions and is negative and sometimes verbally abusive
  • replies: 3

Been married for over 18 years and to cut to the chase my husband is someone who I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells in case I say or do something that triggers him to fly into a rage or become quite rude towards me and my family. He's h... View more

Been married for over 18 years and to cut to the chase my husband is someone who I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells in case I say or do something that triggers him to fly into a rage or become quite rude towards me and my family. He's had some counselling over the years and has gotten better in the past 4 or so years despite this he still has periods of time where he is quite irrational in his emotions and it is now impacting my teenage daughter. Just when he seems to be calmer and in control (usually lasts anywhere from 3-6 weeks) he then has periods 1-2 weeks where he is so negative, angry and sometimes verbally abusive. He has upset my teenage daughter several times when driving her to school. She approached the school councilor and despite thinking we might actually get some additional help via the school interjecting (to say his actions are impacting my daughter) they decided not to get involved and referred me to an organisation who contacted me telling me how to escape the marriage a. This wasn't what I needed. As there is no physical abuse and 80% of the time my husband is okay I've endured the relationship. My daughter is entering year 11 and I do not what to separate at this time as I know the huge impact it would have on her life. I'd much rather see out the next 2 years then make a decision. Is there anything in the meantime that can assist me and my daughter? Perhaps family counselling - I feel my husband needs a professional to tell him straight that his inability to regulate his emotions is harming our daughter and myself. When I suggest this he gas lights me and makes me feel like I'm to blame!

Guest_89100265 Don't know how to feel.
  • replies: 1

Ever since me and my husband have been together there was always fighting. When I was pregnant with my daughter i caught him messaging other women trying to have physical relations 1 week before our honeymoon i had a women msg me and tell me he was m... View more

Ever since me and my husband have been together there was always fighting. When I was pregnant with my daughter i caught him messaging other women trying to have physical relations 1 week before our honeymoon i had a women msg me and tell me he was messaging her on a dating app. He was always angery and abusive, we got toxic, I got cancer and he got worse and worse I couldn't handle it so i left. He told me it was his wake up call and he would get help to do what he can to change and be a better person for me and the kids. Last week I found out he was on dating apps and had slept with someone. I thought leaving was the right thing to do, I stayed for as long as I could because I loved him. I didn't really think he would change but I didn't think he would move on to someone else still while telling me he loves me. He said it was a mistake and he regrets it and he only wants me and loves me and wants us to be a family. But I don't think I can ever forgive or forget anything he has ever done to me especially when I had cancer. I don't know why I'm really writing this here maybe to get someone else's opinion because I honestly don't know what to do because I wanted our family so bad it's so hard to think of selling our family home and actually getting a divorce.

Annie75 Seeking new friends
  • replies: 4

Hi,my my name is annie, I am 49 female, i am very shy and have issues meeting new people, i don't really have any friends, so I am seeing if I can make new ones, online to start with, as I am to scared to meet face to face, I am happy with anyone

Hi,my my name is annie, I am 49 female, i am very shy and have issues meeting new people, i don't really have any friends, so I am seeing if I can make new ones, online to start with, as I am to scared to meet face to face, I am happy with anyone

Anonspooky Breakup
  • replies: 2

Never posted on any kinda forum this is weird. Will probably forget I've posted.I started dating my now ex 3 years ago. I moved cities and moved in together and stuff was good. We both have our mental health bits. I get pretty anxious at times and ha... View more

Never posted on any kinda forum this is weird. Will probably forget I've posted.I started dating my now ex 3 years ago. I moved cities and moved in together and stuff was good. We both have our mental health bits. I get pretty anxious at times and have some moments where I can be pretty depressed. They have a lot going on with an eating disorder.We ended up breaking up. Over a lot of things. My self doubt mostly.They were intimate with others in our time apart. All I could do was think about them. I'd moved back home. 3 months went by and I get a message. We ended up back together and I thought things were going well. We had a cute little trip to Sydney together. There I was told they had a bit of a crush on someone they saw when we were apart. I spent the next day doing my best to pull them out of a rut so we could have a nice time. They really wanted to make things work still and had a message all typed to send to their crush. Offered couples counseling and wanted to keep trying. A week later we were meant to be going to a gig. Lots was happening that week. 3 days from then was my dad's birthday who no longer with us (story for another time) I spent the day trying to work out some cute things to do for them and feeling kinda hopefully. Met up with them when they finished work. I got a bit overwhelmed but was still keen on the gig just got quiet. This caused a really big argument. Something my anxiety quite often did. I'm usually okay once I get to a place the build up can be a bit of a fun one for me though. All I needed was just a lil bit of hey ya heads being dumb you've done this a million times it's gonna be fun. Anything which we had a long discussion on but instead they blow up. We called off they night. I feel like garbage we argued. I said how I feel like I'm not good enough for them they agreed. I asked to be blocked on everything, which they finally have done. But 3 days after they are with their crush. Just feel like I spent 3 years madly in love and that on the opposite side of things I really did mean nothing? Am I an idiot for being so ready to do it all a 3rd time? I don't get how we can say things and they don't really have meaning to them? I'm 34. Not really been in many relationships. People are weird and I don't like being touched so was easy being single. But they came along and a lot of that changed? Spent 5 years before them single and really only one other relationship before that. I dunno what to do now? I was really excited for this future together that we talked about. They were the person I wanted to experience life with. Felt kinda pointless before feels a bit the same again now