Relationship and family issues

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Dr_Kim Understanding feelings of rejection. 
  • replies: 38

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like los... View more

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up. Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples. 1. “I’m not good enough” This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more! 2. "Nobody will ever love me”. This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us. 3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?” Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes. In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language: it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down.

Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

All discussions

Falstad my gf has anxiety
  • replies: 1

Long story short, my gf (27) and I (35) were together 2 years and this was during Covid lockdown and it caused significant mental health issues for her, we had a massive argument one day and all the problems and issues came out and we agreed to work ... View more

Long story short, my gf (27) and I (35) were together 2 years and this was during Covid lockdown and it caused significant mental health issues for her, we had a massive argument one day and all the problems and issues came out and we agreed to work on things. I did everything she asked and changed the best I could where she did the opposite and it sort of baited me to the point we had another argument and she ended things with me because I called her out. She was lying to me, no sleeping with me, catching up with guys behind my back (friends I knew about), ignore me, turning her phone face down around me just to name a few things. We had a break from each other for about a month and the last 6 months we have been seeing each other. Now, she claims she loves me, wants me, cannot live without me, she holds my hand in public, it's almost like a normal relationship in a sense but she will not come over to my house and she will not let me visit her. When I ask to see her there is always an excuse, she is either too sick, tired, wants to relax, wants to watch TV show ETC ETC but when it comes to family and friends she is never too sick, tired ETC for them. EG. For an entire month I asked to see her every single day either movies, dinner, come over and visit and every single time there was an excuse or a no. She asked to see me 4 times in that period for a movie she wanted to watch, to show me a new car, because I said goodbye and I can't do this, and lunch before work. I just can't bring myself to say no to her. I told her the other day I can't do this anymore and she claim's that she never gave me hope and led me on in anyway and that when it comes to me she get's anxious around me and has anxiety. I said to her if she didn't plan to treat me right and change things between us to delete me from her life which she did. She blocked me on all social and deleted me rather than even trying. I guess my question is, and what I am really struggling with is, why would she feel anxious around me and no body else? We had two verbal arguments, I was never violent towards her in anyway, I treated her right. Even she admits that She changed about 18 months into the relationship when he dad betrayed me and it cost me approx. 50k and she has never been the same since

Anupriya My husband manipulated by Brother-in-law
  • replies: 5

I just wanted to share something and get advice from you. I hope someone will be able to help me. My in-laws have been treating me badly and was controlling ever since marriage and even before that they were disrespectful because I was from a middle ... View more

I just wanted to share something and get advice from you. I hope someone will be able to help me. My in-laws have been treating me badly and was controlling ever since marriage and even before that they were disrespectful because I was from a middle class family who doesn’t bring much money or dowry when I got married to their son. My brother in-law flirted with me before I got married to his brother because he thought that his brother will not marry me. I advised him, put him in his boundary didn’t make any scene about it. But he didn’t get the signs and spoke ill about his brother and his own family. I guess he didn’t want me to marry his brother and I stopped talking with him. I didn’t feel good about my BIL since. After marriage he started being disrespectful with me, interfering in our life and I minimised any interactions with him. After moving to Melbourne I thought my relationship with my husband will get better. But every now and then his brother wanted money from my husband for unnecessary expenses like he couldn’t do exercises in the house so he built a big shed On the roof. He recently got engaged and didn’t contribute any money for his engagement and my husband has to spend his money for everything even for his fiancé engagement clothes. Now he is getting married in a month and my husband is spending for his marriage too. My BIL is going to job as well but never spends a single penny. All family maintenance and the money spent on functions everything is my husband’s money. Before marriage, I told my husband about everything that happened with his brother and he doesn’t take it seriously at all. I spoke with him about how I feel uncomfortable with my in-laws. 3days ago my BIL called my husband and he ignored his call and sent him a text. After few mins my husband’s cousin called and he picked his call. Immediately his cousin asked my husband to move away from me and asked if it was me sending messages to my BIL from my husband’s mobile. I don’t know what to think about that and my husband seems alright but I am not.

pvroom Parenting marriage or living together but separated
  • replies: 7

Does anyone have experience of staying together in the same house as parents but ending the romantic aspect of a relationship? I think it is the best choice for my husband and I as we cannot live separately and I believe can live together as parents ... View more

Does anyone have experience of staying together in the same house as parents but ending the romantic aspect of a relationship? I think it is the best choice for my husband and I as we cannot live separately and I believe can live together as parents but not husband/wife.

JuzzyWuzzyWoo Former Ice addict 26 yr old son moved back home . It’s really bad.
  • replies: 15

Hi. Our son has lost everything ( he was very successful and saved a lot of money). Met his partner and she was 18 yrs older than him. She knew he had a solid bank account and in 6 months they spent his $100k on substances , gambling and alcohol. Onc... View more

Hi. Our son has lost everything ( he was very successful and saved a lot of money). Met his partner and she was 18 yrs older than him. She knew he had a solid bank account and in 6 months they spent his $100k on substances , gambling and alcohol. Once the money ran out she got rid of him. He became an addict. Nasty, mean and a monster. He was taken to MHealth for 2 months and now he’s moved back to our home as he’s nowhere else to go. Im being mentally abused every day. It hurts. He lives rough. Sleeps, eats and smokes cigs. He picks fights, and says the cruelest things. I want him to move out but his father( my husband) says no he’s our son. I can’t cope with it. I’ve put up and it’s making me walk on eggshells and I cry every day( I’m not a sook) but to be constantly sworn at... I just can’t take it. I’ve asked him to move out and he says No. I’ve been nice, I’ve been firm, even been mean but nothing works. He thinks it’s his right to be here. He told me to pack my bags and take a holiday! He ideally wants him and his father living in our home and me gone. I’ve had police here as he threatened to physically assault us both. I’ve installed cctv but I need him gone. He’s such a horrible person now but when he was younger he was the nicest, kindest and sensible boy ever. I’m just broken but my husband is living in hope our son will switch back to the guy he used to be ( not going to happen). How do I get my hubby to see our son needs to leave our home? It’s so hard and hurtful to endure this verbal abuse every single day.

Reddog14 Boyfriend vs Fantasy
  • replies: 4

I've been with my boyfriend, T, for 12 years, however I recently met a man, D, at the annual Cup where I was waitressing (D was also working with the same company I was contracted with & was a waiter.)I spoke with D & enjoyed spending time with him, ... View more

I've been with my boyfriend, T, for 12 years, however I recently met a man, D, at the annual Cup where I was waitressing (D was also working with the same company I was contracted with & was a waiter.)I spoke with D & enjoyed spending time with him, but it wasn't until after I finished work (& the weeks that followed) that D has had a significant impact. I envision spending the rest of my life with D & not just pursuing a sexual relationship with him. I've been drawn to various men before (both sexually & emotionally) but feel this is different. As much as I enjoy fantasising about D, I fear this will impact my relationship with T, am totally at a loss as to what I should do & how to work through these emotions. I still enjoy being with T. I've been reading various articles on the internet to try & process how I'm feeling.Any advice is greatly appreciated.

waveydavey Think i blew it...
  • replies: 8

Hi all, this is my first time here, with a recent experience I wanted to share .I've been single for quite a while, and though I've dated some I haven't met anyone that's really taken my attention and I've wanted to be with. There is a girl I've seen... View more

Hi all, this is my first time here, with a recent experience I wanted to share .I've been single for quite a while, and though I've dated some I haven't met anyone that's really taken my attention and I've wanted to be with. There is a girl I've seen at times walking around town, and she has always caught my attention, she isn't like anyone else around here and i find her intriguing. For a long time I've wanted an opportunity to talk to her and ask her out, Well, that opportunity came around last week. I was shopping in a local department store and I saw her walk by. I thought I need to take this time and speak to her while I had the chance. I walked up and said hi...and asked if she would like to have a coffee with me sometime. She stopped for a moment to gather herself, then said "Sure, why not?". My heart was racing and asked if I could have her number, or could I give her mine. She offered me her phone and asked me to add my number in her contacts. I didn't want to push for hers, so I left it. We started to talk some and I was feeling overwhelmed. I could feel my anxiety rising and I found it difficult to understand what we were talking about. I don't remember much about what I was saying, or what she was telling me. I didn't know if I should leave, but didn't want to seem rude or lacking confidence. So I hung around and just felt increasingly stupid. I was saying something and she just stopped and said she was feeling hot and needed to go outside. She said a quick farewell and fled.Unsurprisingly I haven't heard from her, and I don't think I will. I hope I may see her again sometime, and apologise for making her uncomfortable. But I'm afraid my anxiety will return and I'll blow it for good. Should I try again? Or should I just move on and forget her?What can I do to avoid making the same mistakes?

day1startsnow My ex wants to get back together
  • replies: 3

Hi, I posted back in April about my ex partner leaving me somewhat suddenly. There was no contact made on my end and suddenly last week I get a message out of the blue, saying hey, how are you? I was quite taken aback as I felt completely over him, b... View more

Hi, I posted back in April about my ex partner leaving me somewhat suddenly. There was no contact made on my end and suddenly last week I get a message out of the blue, saying hey, how are you? I was quite taken aback as I felt completely over him, but now he is constantly messaging me nice things and says he wants me to move in with him, which I don't think would be the best idea as both our dogs do not get along with each other and I suspect I would be living under strict rules. I feel like my body is telling me to delete his number - we both moved on for good reason, and if my family knew they would be horrified as he reached out to a couple friends of mine after he broke up with me to try and "Get with them". Why did I bother responding to him? I am successful work wise but feel quite drawn back to him which i never thought I would do. I feel vulnerable. I have been going through a particularly difficult time with housing for the first time in my life, which really scares me, (was renting from my mum until she sold the house recently with a short settlement date) and it has been very difficult living with her again and her fiancée as I do not feel welcome. I have been applying for so many rentals and have a decent budget, and have offered landlords to pay the full 6 or 12 months upfront for security. I just want somewhere safe for me and my dog. my mums partner constantly brings up that it is a burden to have us both here which I can understand as my dog can bark at his dog while I am at work, and I do not wish to make his life more difficult. I do all the cooking and cleaning, as a way to show im contributing in addition to paying board. I just feel so confused and worried for my future.

Elizabeth Louise My husband cut ties with my Family
  • replies: 14

My husband has decided to cut ties with my family just over a year ago. What started off as a small complaint to my family about my sisters behaviour at my sons birthday party escalated into a massive fight with my sister a few weeks later. My husban... View more

My husband has decided to cut ties with my family just over a year ago. What started off as a small complaint to my family about my sisters behaviour at my sons birthday party escalated into a massive fight with my sister a few weeks later. My husband had sent a message to my mum and sister about how she upset our son with her behaviour and because my mum left the group chat he believes his concerns were ignored and he felt abandoned. My mum was dealing with the news of my dads cancer diagnosis and she felt the message was an attack. My husband was constany bringing up the issue for 3 weeks, that it wasn't resolved for instance after a nice day out at the beach and it kept stressing me out. I kept saying to let it go, but he wouldnt. I then asked my sister to respond so it could be resolved and she responded to his text, but he wasn't happy with this as she was being defensive and making excuses at the same time. Because the issue was still not resolved, I asked her to come over and apologise in person so he could move on. It ended up becoming a huge fight because he wasn't happy with the way she apologised to our son. She apologised to him in private and we had no idea. After 2 hrs she was about to leave, he questioned why she came. From the look on his face, it seemed a bit aggressive. It escalated into a fight and she told him to f$%@# off. She also admitting to recording him just before she left. This event almost broke us as he believed I chose to defend her over him. He doesn't want to see them again and says things will never be the way they were. He doesn't trust them and think my parents chose to protect her and do nothing about her behaviour or the fact that she recorded him at our house without his consent. I think the whole situation got out of hand and got bigger than what it should have been. I still see my family with the kids but without him but i think the situation Is impacting my mental health. I just want things to be normal again. I feel like there is this dark cloud hovering over me and everyone is being stubborn and no one really cares enough to help reconcile things so we can move forward. My husband won't reply to texts, he won't even open birthday gifts he received from them. I have asked him to just have a conversation. My dad wants to speak to him but he refuses to see anyone. He previously had a great relationship with my parents. What do I do? Do I keep pushing for reconciliation?

cady2015 Stay together for the kids?
  • replies: 6

Hi all. Thank you in advance for listening. Isn’t it funny how talking to strangers is easier than friends and family? I’m not really sure of the purpose but I just have a lot on my chest. My husband and I have had some problems. A few years ago, I f... View more

Hi all. Thank you in advance for listening. Isn’t it funny how talking to strangers is easier than friends and family? I’m not really sure of the purpose but I just have a lot on my chest. My husband and I have had some problems. A few years ago, I found out he’d been speaking with strangers on SnapChat and Tinder. It’s been an ongoing issue. He says it isn’t personal and it isn’t physical, therefore, it isn’t cheating. We finally came to an agreement that it was a breech of trust and therefore, there wasn’t a place for it in our marriage. Then, I found out it was happening again about 6 months ago. I’ve been absolutely shattered ever since.He was remorseful and we did have some supportive conversations to begin with. But he’s gone back to business as usual while I’m unsure how to rebuild trust. I feel like I can’t tell anyone because I want to protect him. But it’s eating me up and making day to day life difficult. I am irritable, anxious and depressed. I’ve given my everything to our small family. We have a small child. I don’t work and have no where to go. I’d need full time work and childcare to be able to leave him. I’ve brought it up lately and he doesn’t see the big deal. He thinks I need to move on. “Staying together for the kids” and a stable life: worth it? It’s the biggest cliché, I know. I feel like I would have left a long time ago if I wasn’t pregnant or in the depths of postpartum when this stuff was happening. And now we have Erin, I’m floored. I want our family. But I feel he may have broken it.

PsychedelicFur How can I help my partner with separation anxiety?
  • replies: 1

Hello everyone, it's PsychedelicFur. Recently, I encountered an issue with my significant other which made me feel extremely drained and overwhelmed. I love my partner. He is kind hearted, affectionate, sweet and he treats me properly. However, he ha... View more

Hello everyone, it's PsychedelicFur. Recently, I encountered an issue with my significant other which made me feel extremely drained and overwhelmed. I love my partner. He is kind hearted, affectionate, sweet and he treats me properly. However, he has very evident separation anxiety. He doesn't like leaving me to go back to his unit. He detests the place where he is living. And he is always so reluctant and hesitate to return to his 'home'. I spend hours reassuring him that I won't leave him permanently despite the fact I have to leave his house (when I stay over) due to personal commitments. Consequently, he gets really upset when I leave him and he does not like to be away from me for long periods of time. I understand and I can empathize with his suffering and feelings of loneliness and stress. I care about him deeply but I don't quite know how to assist him with his separation anxiety. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you very much, PsychedelicFur.