My partner is still married

Warrior823

I have been with my partner for almost 9 years, we both have children to previous marriages. All of the children are over 18 now. We have been through a lot together, we were both there for each other during hard times raising our children from 2 seperate homes each, he supported me when I was diagnosed in 2023 with Stage 3 Breast Cancer, loss of family members, etc.

However my partner is still legally married. I have asked him several times to get a divorce and every time I bring it up, he rolls his eyes and says "I don't think about it". Recently I told him that I feel that it is disrespectful to me, as I believe I have been very patient and had originally asked for him to be divorced by their 25th wedding anniversary (obviously that didn't happen) It's not like he is isn't amicable with his (ex) wife, he still pays her each month for his 2 children (another sore point) as 1 works full time, the other works part time and is attending university. Am I out of line wanting him to get the divorce?

audiology

Given the context you've provided - i absolutely don't think you're out of line for wanting him to get a divorce. Had there been any kind of agreement made about teh situation at any point early on in your relationship at all?

Warrior823

When we started seeing each other my partner was talking about wanting to get married (to me), he was looking at locations, writing guest list, etc. However, I had a very toxic marriage, my ex husband was extremely controlling, and both verbally and physically abusive, so I did say to my partner that it was too soon for me to think about getting married. I also mentioned that he still needed to get a divorce and that's when I suggested to him that he speak to his wife and do a joint application as they were still able to speak to each other and they were amicable. He didn't think that was right, so the question never got asked. This is where when I mention it to my partner he says that "You had the chance for me to get divorced, but you wouldn't let me pay for it." So I do at times find myself thinking he is right, and that I should have just let him pay for it, but they had an amicable agreement to seperate and he was (and still is) paying for a lot of the expenses on her end.

therising

Hi Warrior823

I wholeheartedly agree with audiology, I don't believe you're out of line. 'I don't think about it' definitely isn't a valid reason for not considering what means so much to you. If your partner did have a perfectly valid reason, I imagine you'd relate to some degree. 'I don't think about it' sounds more like laziness and avoidance than anything. Btw, another way of phrasing that is 'I'm completely thoughtless when it comes to the matter'. Can be so tough to manage someone else's thoughtlessness and feel it at the same time.

Do you think if he had a really good reason, relatable to him, he'd seriously consider divorce and marriage to you? It has to be relatable to him. As you know, giving him your reasons doesn't seem to make much difference.

Btw, I think it's a fair to say 'Did me advising you to not get divorced and us not get married close to 9 years ago mean you'd never get divorced? If you want to stop living in the past, I suggest we start making plans to take this relationship to the next level. I've been incredibly patient with you being married to another woman for close to a decade, seriously. Wake up!'. Sounds like it suits him to be 'asleep'. I smile when I say I'm married to a guy who vibes along the lines of 'If we don't talk about it (whatever it is), I don't have to wake up to it and feel the challenge/s involved'. Can be tough going at times when you're left to feel the challenges alone.

You could always try shocking him awake and tell him 'Okay, I've bought the (wedding) dress. I've planned the honeymoon and I'm picking a wedding date. You better get moving with that divorce'.😂

Warrior823

Hi therising,

I appreciate you taking the time to read and reply to my post. Thank you for your advice, it makes me feel somewhat “not so crazy” feeling like it’s not just me “over reacting”.
I have spoken to him again tonight and he has said to me “If me getting a divorce is what you want, then I will do it. But to me it doesn’t mean anything, it’s just a piece of paper.” I replied with “I would like you to actually want to get a divorce, but thank you.” However I’m not holding my breath as I have been waiting for the last almost 9 years so we will see what happens.

therising

Hi Warrior823

So glad to hear you've made some progress, even if it doesn't feel for you like seriously exciting mind blowing progress.

Not sure if the following will be of any help: It was some time ago when I had the revelation 'In order for there to be a disappointment, there has to be an appointment. If an appointed role is given to ourself or another, we/they either accept the role or we/they don't. If it is not accepted and carried out, there lies the dis-appointment (of that role), a disappointment that can be felt deeply at times'. It sounds as though your partner has officially accepted the role of 'He who will seek a divorce because it's what you want'. When or how he's going to start actively managing that role is about the finer details.

Guest_10472

I'm glad you asked him again directly. I'm glad he said he would. Has he done a financial settlement? I think the divorce part is easy.

I have just experienced a sad end to my 4 yr relationship. My ex 55 yr old partner is still married & not done a financial settlement after 8 yrs. I too was under the impression he would do this. However after around a year he told me I'm not to bring it up & he will lose $$ & isn't ready to. She is not asking for either (Japanese)

I feel he's taken advantage of her & also he never put their house in both their names. To me I was really concerned but thought I can't make him - do I accept this.

I did, which now I really think was a sign of his cold avoidance to partners. I wish I'd said I don't need this in my life, I didn't feel strong enough.

We lived together for 4 yrs so I too qualify for a financial settlement. I'm not sure I will. I have 2 years. I'd be extremely afraid of his behaviour if I did this.

It is a piece of paper but it's a legal document that may make future wills & health financial decisions difficult.

I'd suggest a counsellor - for you both so you can discuss this topic more deeply & how it's affecting you.