Wife struggeling to accept sexless marriage

[Zetta]

Hi guys, 

I have been with my husband for over 20 years. We also have a 13 year age gap between us. My husband is at the stage of ED and we've known it for about 4 years now. We have tried alot of strategies to keep the sex life happy as I have a much higher libido. But the past few weeks it's been really tough. I have realised I am usually the one initiating sex 80% of the time. The last week or so I haven't initiated sex of any for of intimacy and I got nothing from him. I am feeling very emotional as we spoke about it last night and he's happy to be in a sexless marriage. I am not so happy about it. We've been through cheating( on both sides), gambling addiction and porn usage (on both sides), and now this. I have not been this upset and crying soo much since the last time we went through the cheating and porn saga. I am literally down. I have had my depression under control with hypnosis for the last 10 years. I am completely lost and sort of heart broken. I don't even want to sleep next to my husband tonight. I have not felt like this in a very long time. Just needed someone to listen and hear me out. Really needing a good ear at the moment. 

[white knight]

Hi Zetta, welcome

I get you very much. My first marriage was to a woman that had zero sex drive, we did end up with two kids and I felt that is all she wanted out of me. I knew it wasnt me as I'd been active while in the Airforce etc.

Yes, it drove me nuts but we also have other factors that ended our marriage after 11 years. Thats a long time. Your 20 years is an even longer time.

I'm 70yo and I've heard from friends (not often as men dont talk about it often) that male libido can drop off suddenly in your 60's. Thats common but we cant put too much emphasis on whats "common" as everyone is different. I'm aware that some people might comment on your situation along the lines of "well, thats your marriage and you cant do anything about that" but having lived through the sex starvation issue I dont agree to the point whereby if hypothetically you asked "is it ok to cheat under these circumstances" my reaction would be- "if you feel strongly you need to cheat then look further into whether your marriage is worth maintaining". I say this purely out of compatibility and that is for you to judge based on all portions of your relationship.

So yes, sexual compatibility is more important than what some people think particularly those that have a satisfying sex life with their one partner. You are entering into the resentment area now so I suggest if you havent already - do everything possible in a reasonable timeframe say 3-6 months to confirm if- there is any medical means to improve it, his desire to satisfy you by going along with any medical recommendations and lastly evaluating on your part if you could separate and live alone with subsequent plans for a more satisfying life.

I have depression amongst other things and I know that problems we have in our lives can impact our depression like triggers. We need everything to be ok, not prefect but ok. When it isnt we fall often.

Finally, guilt isnt a good feeling. Family and friends might comment on any plans you might introduce regarding moving on from the marriage, but they arent living in your life so please dont feel guilty. The following thread deals with that and the next one is about worrying.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor/td-p/321604

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/worry-worry-worry/td-p/87808

Feel free to talk more. I hope you're ok. 

TonyWK

[Zetta]

Thanks Tony, I appreciate your input soo much. Im feeling better today. Haven't cried as much. We spoke more about it last night. We do love each other but I'm not sure that's enough. We have 3 kids. Two are still in the house. I feel like most of my issues is with our past and I am truely terrified that we will go back there again. And I am not prepared to go back there. Oh my mum has been saying we should divorce since the first signs of trouble more than 12 years ago. So I have told her I appreciate her advice but it is ultimately my choice which advice I choose to take. Mum is very anti my husband and speaks badly about him often. I do put her in her place but it's not always easy. I know she means well. But it's like she's trying to get us separated. Sorry I'm rambling on. I have no friends I can speak to about this.  Thanks for those threads. I'll have a read. 

[white knight]

Hi Zetta

Yes it is your decision. An interfering parent isnt unusual but as you know their intentions are misguided and cross boundaries. An ongoing act of containing her is a must.

You both love each other and that clouds your dilemma. Sex doesn't include itself every hour of the day therefore we feel ok sometimes as we focus on life activities, until your drive takes over. So the waves ebb and flow.

What you have done is seek independent advice and that alone can be all part of your growing knowledge so you can make a decision when the time is right. If you could get hubby to a GP that knows in advance what the topic will be, he might get embarrassed even angry but you're harbouring hurt also. 

Desperate measures call for desperate actions sometimes.

TonyWK 

[Red-Gum]

Hi Zetta,

I don’t know if this helps but one of my friends has a husband with ED, and every 6 weeks they go away for a night. It’s their ‘date weekend’ and she brings her box of sex toys (last time she told me she has 7 and I was so impressed by her review I went and bought 2!). She usually brings candles and scents etc for the mood and tells me her husband is very happy with this new intimacy in their lives (well, he told me as well as I went over to dinner with them. I couldn’t finish my dinner as there is a thing of too much information).

Anyway, I’m not sure if this is for you but it certainly works for my friends.

Hope you are ok.  

[therising]

Hi Zetta

Life would definitely be so much easier if every time we had a new challenge in our marriage someone popped in to say 'This is exactly what the issue is and this is exactly what's going to make the kind of difference you're looking for...'. Unfortunately, there can be a lot of time, effort, research, wonder and more involved. 

I'm wondering whether some of the disappointment you feel comes from your husband having kinda already given up, as opposed to having the attitude of 'Okay, let's explore all the avenues that are possibly going to make a difference here'. I've lost count of the number of times my husband has said 'It's just because I'm getting old', when it comes to certain aches and pains or things not working the way they used to. Btw, the old man is only 59 🙄😅. While I used to try and encourage him to research as much as possible, sometimes outside the square, these days I tend to amuse myself by suggesting to him that he simply accept getting old. Then I ask him 'How's that working for you?'. Personally I've found if I'm desperate enough to want to feel a difference, I'll research my little heart out while coming across some amazing stuff in the process. Zetta, we're absolutely amazing creatures who work in the most amazing or surprising ways at times (mentally, physically and even naturally or in a soulful sense). 

As long as your husband's received a clean bill of health when it comes to vascular issues not being the reason for ED, the rest becomes something to wonder about. Of course, there's the chemistry side of things and how it starts to change in us over the years. While females receive a lot of attention and compassion in regard to menopause and peri menopause and all the chemical shifts that happen there, there's not a huge amount of support out there for guys in comparison, as their body naturally changes with age. Whether we're talking about men or women, different people will explore different paths for managing the changes (including the changes that can relate to sex). 

I think if we were to speak to a lot of guys, they'd agree that when they were young they couldn't wait to 'get there' and foreplay was more about pleasing their partner. Things can change over the years, especially with physical changes. A two hour intimacy session may be the way to go these days, with a gradual work up as opposed to an instant one like back in the old days. Or maybe these days it's more about the imagination coming into play. A two or three hour 'therapy session' with his 'therapist' (you) could require a bit of acting and a therapist's uniform. Maybe this is something he'd look forward to. A bit of an exploration of the imagination could be something to consider. He'll be able to feel what he imagines may work.

I think one of the most frustrating things in a marriage is when our spouse is not willing to wonder to the degree that we'd like them to. Even if we were to say to them 'I'll do all the research and you just tell me whether something works or not', the least they can do is wonder about whether all the work we put in will pay off. A willingness to be a bit of a guinea pig in the process can end up paying off. Btw, if a person's overall energy levels are low, it can pay to question why. The reason why can point to a particular unwanted side effect. For example, who would have thought one of the side effects of Obstructive Sleep Apnea (OSA) in men can be ED. Pays to wonder about a whole variety of possible reasons, not just settle for 'It's all a part of aging'.

[Zetta]

Thanks. We spoke again a few times. And have had sex 2 times in 3 days. Hubby is happy to go for a check up as I explained to him I am also going h through changes as a women. Perimenopause has arrived and menopause will follow bit I am being proactive in doing what is needed to minimise its impacts. We also discussed how it is affecting both of us. I told my husband how I felt when I got diagnosed with depression and how he was my rock. And how I understand how it feels to be broken. And i also mentioned that it doeant bother me if we have to take longer now. I actually enjoy it more. Well last night he i itiated sex. He is happy to go for a check up now to see where everything is. So things are looking up for us. 

[Zetta]

Thank you for your reply. Please read my update to white knight above. 

[Zetta]

Thanks for your advice and this is actually whats been happening. I have been looking after my mental health alot this week by walking everyday and just concentrating on myself. We're in the process of getting check ups and everything sorted to explore avenues of enjoying each other. Please read my update on White knights post. 

[white knight]

Hi, Zetta

Well thats progress. Only you can judge whether the latest changes will be progress ongoing. As I said earlier sexual compatibility is underrated and very important  but with a children involved and the fact you both have endured a difficult journey your love for each other is strong and worth the effort.

I'm pleased he is willing to seek professional guidance.  That is a hurdle many spouses never overcome.  Hidden issues might also be highlighted like how mens sexual performance drops off when womens begin to rise. You mentioned Perimenopause and menopause approaching, you are really informed and aware of your issues overall.

Red-gum's suggestion of a night or two away sounds a good one, a change of environment can do wonders. Years ago we went to a mountain bed and breakfast and on dusk it snowed while we lit an open fire, what a mood!!.

The Rising's comment about young guys couldn't wait to "get there with foreplay" is so true. But as kids come along and especially if a man is in a physically working job they are often tired in the evening. Even weekends mowing the lawn can take away energy.

What I'm pleased about is how you have unified and communicated.

I hope we have helped. Reply again anytime

TonyWK