Unresolved Conflict

Hyacinth4DSoul

Hi. I'm new here and notably very nervous. Please be patient with me. My story spans years so Ill try to be brief as possible. I lived with my partner for 3 years before we tied the knot. We were very happy and contented, we were convinced we were soulmates. We both worked. 6 months after our marriage, he left his job to look for a better one. Then he started an affair with a woman 10 years older than him at work.This affair lasted 5 years without my knowledge. Well, he came home every night, was attentive to me, even our sex life was alive and constant throughout this period, so I didn't ever suspect that anything was wrong. He had various medical hospitalisations and I, as a devoted wife, loved him and looked after him, dutifully caring for him 24/7 when he needed me. When he came home from work, dinner is hot and ready. His sandwiches were home made because I loved doing it for him. I did everything to make his life easy. I was very much in love with my husband. We did all what happy couples do. Until we didn't. He was suddenly working a lot of weekends, staying up most nights on his computer. He started going for walks by himself. He became short-tempered. These behaviours crept up slowly over the years. But he always asked for intimacy all the time. He would get so angry if I wasn't feeling well and I'd beg off for a couple of days. One day while he was at work, I asked him if I could use his PC cos mine gave up the ghost. He didn't mind. That's when I found an old email address of him that he said hed discarded ages ago, in a small folder where the photos were. That's how I uncovered his entire sordid affair. 350 emails over 5 years complete with pictures. I read them all and cannot unsee them ever. We went to marriage counselling. He left his paramour. But everytime I asked him why, he kept on saying, he can't remember why. I started going downhill with depression. 3 years later, he was diagnosed with a terminal illness and 3 years further, he was in hospital with me as his carer till he lost the fight. I spent 2 years in bed with severe depression. I can't go on because I never understood why he went AWOL in our marriage. I've seen Psychologists...but nothing. I feel extremely lonely but afraid to trust again. They say men have affairs because they can, often without a reason. Really? I'm not young nor naive. For every action there is always a reaction. I didnt have clarity. What did I do wrong? I just don't know how to move on from here.

white knight

Hi, welcome

So sorry for your loss and your situation of lack of clarity. I really hope I can help but I'll explain a bit about me to show you why I believe I could help. We are community champions here and we base our ability to support on our lived experience. While not professional medical staff we do have a range of experiences that include topics like you are living with. We also have a mental illness/s of some kind.

I'm 70yo, had a stressful childhood with a domineering mother then joined the AirForce at 17. I left there at 20yo and became a prison officer, left there at 24yo when my brother took his own life. At 31yo had severe anxiety, at 40yo had an attempt on my own life, then marriage dissolved with two small kids. Then at 51yo diagnosed with bipolar high functioning, dysthymia and likely under the autism spectrum. I worked in security a lot and worked shifts with many different men. I believe I know men well, I'm a good observer.

I've known many men that have had affairs, met their wives and sometimes their lover/s. When younger in my 20's and 30's I had a very high sex drive and I put that down to the mania associated with bipolar. So I would understand why some men had affairs even though I had the restraint to remain loyal to my partners.

"The chase" and the "boredom of one sexual partner" is for most men the reasons why they stray. They could also be sexually starved if not compatible. However, this is not any reason for the wife to blame herself. I would judge that these men, it wouldnt matter who they married they would still seek out their desires anyway. The game they play in their mind is worth the risk of being found out. "I'll deal with it then" is their moto.

For men with high sex drives a wife could try to satisfy them even if their own drive is far less, but some men will want sex with another regardless. That situation can lead to his wife going to extraordinary lengths to satisfy him like a threesome, joining swingers groups and so on. I've seen this develop in 2 ex working colleagues.

As a wife you tried hard to care for him. Mentioning making his lunches and dinner and so on is commendable but I'm sorry to say often these things are taken for granted, certainly it wouldnt make a mark on his pursuit of affairs.

I'd prefer not to go on at this point but if you are happy to continue on this and other topics I'm happy to do so. Feel free to reply ongoing, I'm here to help and dont mind at all. Ask as many questions as you like.

"Regardless of being in a relationship... our thoughts are private. The issue can be, that holding private thoughts is only an issue if deceit is hidden amongst the love..."

Again, welcome.

TonyWK

Hyacinth4DSoul

Dear Tony,

Thank you for your response. I appreciate your insights, both from your personal experience and your observations, regarding why some men pursue extramarital relationships.

As someone who views loyalty and respect as foundational to marriage, I find this behavior of cheating on your mate difficult to comprehend. In my own experience, my libido consistently matched or surpassed my husband's, and I was always open to exploring new things within the safety of our commitment. In truth, I was the one who often found our intimacy unfulfilling, yet I never stopped trying to bridge that gap. It felt as though I was always left alone on the dance floor doing the tango cos he leaves long before the music ends.

This is why I find it so perplexing, if sex was the issue. He mentioned in emails to her that he enjoyed the risk of their encounters being close to the public. Heck, I would have been open to that too, had he only told me!! What hurts most is his admission that the other woman found him lacking in the same way I did; it stings that it took five years of betrayal for him to realize this. He told me he loved me every day while his mind was elsewhere, and I believed him. This betrayal remains a festering wound. How do I move on and learn to trust again? My doubts and anxieties are fastened in the driver's seat.

I did take him back and questioned my own inadequacies, but we didn't have much time to process the situation before he was diagnosed with cancer. I had to set my own pain aside to help him fight for his life.

It has been nearly six years since he passed. While I have thrived on my own, I miss being part of a couple and feel I still have a lot of love to give. I am in my mid 60's now, it might be too late., I hope not. I am currently working with a psychologist, and while some suggest I should simply "move on," I remain wary of facing another failure. I have been under a thundercloud for a long time, but I am ready to see the sun again. I need a road map. Please feel free to suggest how to navigate using wisdom youve acquired, because goodness me, I am so bad with directions.

Thank you,

Gwynne SW.