Having trouble talking to my close sister

[Sharon]

I’m very close to my sister almost like twins, and have also spoken to one another about everything. I have started to see someone I really like, we work together and we have been messaging one another, I didn’t tell my sister about my feelings and have a hard time talking to her about him and what has been happening, we aren’t rushing in to anything as he has been in a relationship mid last year.  I have really hurt her because she said I have lied to her and I have chosen him over her which I feel isn’t true. I have known him for over 10 years and looking back I think I have always had some kind of connection with him, I noticed last year more stronger feelings for him and didn’t say anything to him until end of march this year. He has been in a few relationships and even been married with grown kids.  My sister is every worried that I will just cut myself off from family and friends to be with him, which I’m not and he hasn’t asked me to do that but every time she says something it’s “I’m only getting his side of everything, he can say what he wants to get you in, he always needs to be with someone, you don’t need saving” I just don’t know how to talk to her about it, I said that I hadn’t said anything because I was worried she would be judgemental and now she asks what else haven’t I told her about herself.  The longer I don’t talk to her, the more I’m hurting her and that is the last thing I want to do. How do I explain things to her? 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Thankyou for your questions. Sometimes in these situations your worry is doing more harm to you than other people are. So we have to take a step back and try to accept that not all problems are fixable and sometimes its the other persons issue not yours so its their responsibility to fix themselves, to sort out their own insecurities or concerns.

In this case my suggestion is to wait until she asks questions. Up till then it isnt serious enough for you to be worried.  When she asks questions then you can chose to answer them of choose to not answer them based on - that its a private matter. Sure you are close and up till now you've both shared all of your daily experiences, but it comes a time when that routine stops and privacy (on some subjects) is more relevant for your age. 

In nearly all close relationships some rifts come about where you drift away but often that is temporay and the healing takes place. 

The feelings she has that "I have chosen him over her" sounds like a jealousy situation. You might take the advantage of when she asks questions to tell her that you want to remain close to her but "I am capable of having him and you close to me". 

I hope that helps and try not to worry, you cant control how other people think, you can only comfort and reassure them.

TonyWK

[Hyacinth4DSoul]

Dear Sharon,

As someone with a sister who is just a year my senior, I can certainly empathize with your situation. My experience, however, was somewhat the reverse. In my younger days, I began a relationship with an older gentleman. We were both unattached at the time. My sister was quite upset that I hadn't informed her or our family. I hadn't realized it was necessary to seek her approval for such a matter. Even my mother wasn't particularly bothered, as I was no longer a teenager. I believe my sister may have simply been feeling a bit jealous. Despite the small age difference between us, she always perceived me as the younger sibling and, consequently, someone she could boss around. After dealing with that for years, I finally hit my breaking point and told her if she wanted my respect, she had to show me some first. She started lecturing me, but I didn't back down. That's how we managed to have some kind of relationship, even if it was never super close again. That was the price I paid to get my life back. You're not at that point yet, so you can just tell your sister that right now, with this guy, she and your family have nothing to worry about. Plus, while you're figuring things out with him, you don't need to give them a running commentary on your love life. Family's important, but you can't lose yourself or let well-meaning siblings mess things up. It's your life, and ultimately, it's your call. I'm not saying you should keep everything to yourself; it's always good to talk to someone about your concerns. That's why I'm here and you're here. I wish I'd done this sooner, but that's life. I hope you can soften things and ease your sister's worries by showing her you care about her and your family, but that it's too soon to tell how your new romance will turn out.

All the best,

Gwynne