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BeyondBlue Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
  • replies: 0

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a ... View more

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a negative way. As always, we want to hear your story and how it impacts you and encourage everyone to support each other with kindness. There are a few things to consider when posting in this section so we can all get the most out of it: Everyone’s situation is unique. We all do our best to share what is important in our story but we can never share it all. Let’s be mindful we can’t know all of everyone’s story. Anonymous but public. These posts are available to everyone and while the moderation team will keep it anonymous, its still up for everyone to read. Have a think about what you want to share to get the best support for you. Please stay safe. This space is an amazing way to seek support from others who might understand what you are going through. We want to hear how you are going and what is happening for you. Please also consider 1800RESPECT if you don’t feel safe or 000 if you are in danger right now. You deserve to be safe. Thank you again for joining this conversation, your contributions are worthy and important to us here. Beyond Blue

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Guest_16219302 Feeling defeated
  • replies: 2

Hi All I feel like this is a last resort for me as I don’t have anyone in this world to talk to in regards to how I am TRUELY feeling and that if I wasn't around my family would not care. I’m married 10years this Dec and have to amazing kids and I’ve... View more

Hi All I feel like this is a last resort for me as I don’t have anyone in this world to talk to in regards to how I am TRUELY feeling and that if I wasn't around my family would not care. I’m married 10years this Dec and have to amazing kids and I’ve always felt that my kids keep me alive but lately I can’t honestly say my kids wouldn’t even really notice if I was nit here ! My life in my eyes was perfect until a very close family member turned it all upside down and continues to bully now my kids in public situations like school grounds all because she just doesn’t want me to exist ! I don’t know what to do I have always done the right thing and shut my mouth for the sake of my family my parents but for 12 years now I’m defeated !! Help please

UpsAndDowns-2 Triggered. Should I get professional help?
  • replies: 2

I don't even know how to start. I'm very well aware of my triggers and it has happened quite often. Throughout the years I have tried getting more self help and be more mindful and things have improved, until I gave birth last year. Life was hectic o... View more

I don't even know how to start. I'm very well aware of my triggers and it has happened quite often. Throughout the years I have tried getting more self help and be more mindful and things have improved, until I gave birth last year. Life was hectic of course and there were more arguments between me and my spouse on many things. I thought I may have postnatal anxiety so I had call a few hotlines to get help, as well as get enrolled in some programs. Things seems have got back on track after a year or so. Last night my parent said something that has triggered me. I have shared with him before on the triggers but he's just not sensitive and mindful enough. I snapped. I didn't say a thing. I sat there to try calm down but I couldn't. After a few minutes I decided I'd go upstairs and leave the kids to him to finish the night time routine. This morning I was still mad at my partner and I felt very deflated. I went out to meet some friends with my kids, came back, saw my partner, then got mad again. I basically cannot function when I'm deflated and I feel that my cup is not just empty but it has a crack and I can't fill it up. I can't even function to look after my kids (I was OK when I was occupied with friends but not when I saw my partner again). What he said to me just keep repeating in my own head and keeps triggering me. I'm never officially diagnosed though after kids partner said I may have ADHD. I don't even know how to get further help but thinking back it wasn't really a big deal but I just felt so hurt and deflated and lose all my energy. I have been searching around to see if there is someone that I can talk to but I'm anxious to share. Then I found this forum I'm really not sure if this is a right place to post but I hope I can get some non judgmental advices here to get me back on track.

Princess_Africa Mother dearest
  • replies: 1

I am struggling with conflicting emotions about my mother, which I have done for most of my life. Growing up my mother was abusive - constantly telling my siblings and I that she should not have had children, physically abusive when she lost her temp... View more

I am struggling with conflicting emotions about my mother, which I have done for most of my life. Growing up my mother was abusive - constantly telling my siblings and I that she should not have had children, physically abusive when she lost her temper and very controlling and possessive.I understand where it came from as our father was not a very nice man - drunk, cheating and constantly jumping from job to job. It certainly wasn't an easy life for her. However, I do understand that her treatment of us was not right. I finally managed to break the pattern when I left home as a very young adult (on the back of a temper tantrum which resulted in plates being thrown at me), refusing to engage with her until she got some help, which - kudos to her, - she did, but it was more about being diagnosed with depression and landing on strong medication than anything other matter or behaviour. I took it as progress though and managed to repair the relationship to a civil state. Fast forward 20 years and she and my father split up and when I called him out for his poor behaviour, he cut us all off and started a new life. I acknowledge how traumatic this would be and stressful - in this instance she was truly heartbroken and I would have and still would give anything to be able to take that away. To help my mother transition to a different life than she planned, I agreed to live with her for a few years but the possessiveness started again. If I went anywhere without her she'd sarcasically say "thanks for the invitation" and if I had friends over she would just welcome herself and insert herself into the time. The household chores once again fell on me and she relied heavily on me to keep her company. Whenever I told her I was planning to move in with my partner at the end of the lease we were living under her immediate response was "What about me". My partner and I agreed to offer her to rent a house we had bought at DRASTICALLY reduced rent to help her transition to living alone and she loved it so much it evolved into full market rent for going on several years now. The possessiveness continues, she refuses to socialise with ANYONE else but my siblings or I and outside of her job, doesn't leave the house unless it's with one of us (outside of groceries). She won't ever reach out to us to "just ask" to meet for a coffee, instead the snide comments have evolved to be said to my partner and our son, behind my back around the fact that she never sees me. After years and years of counselling I am at the point of accepting that she will never change and I will never get any apology or closure on the years of abuse. I am beyond exhausted at trying to distance myself and manage to cut the apron strings and now see my only avenue to true healthy space is to move away in a few years when the time is right for my immediate family and children. I'm exhausted by the years of trying to keep her happy and go to effort just to have it thrown back in my face behind my back and the possessiveness. How do I start to love her again as a mother when the toxic behaviour is never-ending and evolving from one type to another?

Panda36 I feel lost, sad and exhausted!
  • replies: 2

Hi all, this is my first post but I’ll try and keep it short and to the point.I’ve been with my partner for about 4 years now, although we’ve known each other on/off for over 20. He and I were both married to other people and our respective spouses c... View more

Hi all, this is my first post but I’ll try and keep it short and to the point.I’ve been with my partner for about 4 years now, although we’ve known each other on/off for over 20. He and I were both married to other people and our respective spouses cheated. He has no kids and I have one daughter. I got over my situation pretty quickly but he hasn’t. Like at ALL! He has been a big drinker for many years and when we first got together I guess I didn’t notice it as much as we lived separately but for the last 3 years I have been witness to his drinking and behaviour. Some days he is great and doesn’t get too drunk and if he does he’s in a playful, happy mood but 90% of the time he is drunk by 8pm and he’s a d*ck. Sometimes I’m lucky and he’ll just go to bed but most of the time he wants to relive his past and he talks about his ex wife and all the people that hurt him or he makes numerous phone calls to his mates where it’s the same thing, he repeats his stories to them, he even calls clients and does it which is SO unprofessional. Then comes my daughter, again most of the time he’s great with her and she adores him but the drunker he gets, he plays too rough and she gets hurt or he picks on her. Then there’s me, he has never hit me but the emotional abuse is exhausting. I’ve had a pretty traumatic life and my dad was an alcoholic, all of this he knows and yet he STILL behaves like this. It’s like I’m on repeat, he fu*ks up, I tell him the next morning how hurt and angry we are, he says he’s sorry and will try better yet 3-4 days later it happens again. His argument to me is that he drinks and I smoke so I should just get over it BUT, yes while smoking is bad, it doesn’t change how I act and I would NEVER do or say the things he does, especially not to my child. It’s got to the point where we don’t go out after 5pm because my anxiety gets so bad with thinking that he’s too drunk and will embarrass us or complain about the food or see someone he knows and start with his whole “woe is me”. Most nights I sleep in my daughter’s room, she just thinks we’re having a sleepover but he knows he’s made a mistake the night before but just can’t remember. He picks fights with me over the smallest things or he gets that drunk and thinks I’m his ex wife and hurls abuse at me. I know that the logical thing to do would be to leave but I keep hanging on to the hope that if I remind him enough times of the damage he’s doing to not only us but himself as well that he will just cut down drinking and not get drunk every night. And also with the cost of living I couldn’t afford my own place as we both run a business together. I feel lost and overwhelmed but mostly exhausted. Any tips would be helpful. Thank you in advance

white knight Disowning relatives
  • replies: 39

10 years ago I turned 58yo and forcibly retired from work due to MH issues. I needed to regroup, put myself, my daughter and my wife ahead of- everyone. Like many I had a toxic family that ranged from borderline PD to bipolar to anxiety and the dread... View more

10 years ago I turned 58yo and forcibly retired from work due to MH issues. I needed to regroup, put myself, my daughter and my wife ahead of- everyone. Like many I had a toxic family that ranged from borderline PD to bipolar to anxiety and the dreaded narcissism. Having my own bipolar, anxiety and high functioning autism (recent revelation), I was not much different to my blood relatives except for the narcissism. Ok, that said I decided to give some relatives one last chance which fed my need to not hold any guilt in the future by rash decisions. There is the hard and the easy way to cope with rejecting relatives. With previous attempts when younger I'd crumble at the thought, then crumble again when I grieved for them, so I had become a boomerang family member. When I returned to my family the narcs were happy not to talk about what the issue was, to resolve so recurrence didnt happen, so again and again it repeated. But something changed at 58yo. I decided a few things- that blood relatives no longer automatically had my presence, that I had the right to reject them for a peaceful existence.that seeking stability I needed to ensure I didnt have unstable people in my life, that I was to create my own "more" stable worldthat my wife should no longer carry the burden of my family upsets when she had come from a stable upbringingthat 58 years was long enough and if I was lucky enough to last another 25 years that I could choose then to mould those years into happier timesThe above decision making says it all and I've gradually found peace from family problems. Yes, the occasional relative I still have in my life will call and ask if they can mediate and I politely decline. Those calls are examples of the triangulation from rejected family members. Do I miss them- oh, yes, but the cycle would return if I allowed them back in. My family ensured that guilt was a major weapon so I know my guilt especially that my 93yo mother is still alive, would eat at me. But alas, if I visited her after so many years I know the guilt would be her priority then she'd haunt me from her grave. Troubled people have to build a world around themselves and only issue passes to those that either understand or have a level of loyalty that you feel safe with. These are desperate situations, suicidal thoughts, attempts, suffering through rage and comments from despicable people. Being blood does not mean you are a punching bag. If thats you then untie the rope, let that bag drop... TonyWK

PsychedelicFur My Dad puts so much pressure onto me.
  • replies: 1

Hey there, I'm in my early twenties and my father puts so many responsibilities onto me. It feels like he is co dependent on me. Don't get me wrong, I DO love him. I just feel like I'm messed up from a lot of things that have happened to me in the pa... View more

Hey there, I'm in my early twenties and my father puts so many responsibilities onto me. It feels like he is co dependent on me. Don't get me wrong, I DO love him. I just feel like I'm messed up from a lot of things that have happened to me in the past from both of my parents. For instance, I have to pay half of the rent. I understand people my age, if they live with their parents have to pay board. And I am willing to do that but half of the rent just seems unreasonable. He would say to me "well, if I was by myself I would just live in a caravan park. You are the one who wants to live in a house." He would use me as a mini therapist when I was 4 or 5 years old, because my parents relationship was pretty rocky. When I even suggested about moving out with my past partner he would say "well, where would I go?" And then If I had a partner and would go out with them or stay a few days at their house he would make me feel guilty because he was home alone and he didn't have someone to spend time with. It's so hard.

ifer partner goes to psych ward, breaks up with me and ghosts me
  • replies: 1

My partner of two years recently broke up with me, saying they still love me but that our relationship had become too codependent. Shortly before the breakup, they were involuntarily admitted to a psych ward, and it felt like they did a complete 180 ... View more

My partner of two years recently broke up with me, saying they still love me but that our relationship had become too codependent. Shortly before the breakup, they were involuntarily admitted to a psych ward, and it felt like they did a complete 180 afterward. We had plans for the day after the psych ward so I thought we were okay. Since then, they’ve completely ghosted me before I could even react, and I feel like I’ve lost everything. We had plans to move in together, get married, have kids. I see my faults in the relationship, but I never would have thought things were beyond mending. I’m struggling with the pain of the breakup, the silence, and the sense of abandonment, even though I understand the need for space. I want to focus on healing and becoming more independent, but I’m overwhelmed by loneliness and still hold hope for reconnecting in the future. How can I move forward while navigating these feelings?

Ann776 My 76 year old father tells me all time he wants to die
  • replies: 2

My dad has been a drinker (not alcho) his whole life. Has always had a short temper and never really was emotionally available as a kid to me and my sister. Never talks about his feelings or wants to genuinely connect with us. He cheated on my mum 20... View more

My dad has been a drinker (not alcho) his whole life. Has always had a short temper and never really was emotionally available as a kid to me and my sister. Never talks about his feelings or wants to genuinely connect with us. He cheated on my mum 20 years ago and stayed with that lady for 10 years till she died. Then he got more negative if thats possible. I have tried many things like trying to go to movies, walk, concert etc with him.. He doesnt want to even if its something he said he wanted to do. Im 48 gone through two hectic cancers in last 10 years. When he come to see me in hospital he got angry with me for crying and said im tougher then this and if i dont stop crying he wont visit me. Hes not a bad guy. he has bought me a car. but hes just emotionally not there EVER... my whole life. I dont care as i know who he is but it annoys me to no end that he trys to make out im a bad daughter if i dont chase him.. like he will call me and say ": why havent you called me"? i said well why havent u called me ph works both ways... then he gets shits and hangs up. Its always about him.. hes single and its my job to jump as a companion and call on him all the time to see " if hes still alive as he puts it"... ON our last phone call he said he didnt care if he got hit by a bus (he says this stuff alot even though i have asked him not too... then in next breathe he says do you want to catch up. I said how about we leave it till another time till u feel better as he is sooo depressing .. he got annoyed and hung up. then i texted him saying im happy to go to drs with him to look at antidepressants etc for him and i love him. He has continually said stuff like this to me after me telling him not too. Im already struggling mentally after cancer... he doesnt care. keeps doing it. My sister said he doesnt do it to her and that hes only doing it to me to try to manipulate a visit. IM annoyed with him as he was an unavailable father who never really had any interest when we were younger.. never heard from him when his girlfriend was alive and now all of a sudden he expects me to act eager and always wanting to contact him despite his negative and dreary atmosphere he carrys with him whereever he goes. He puts a downer on even my overseas trips i go on telling me bad stuff is going to happen. He never listens to anyone... meditation is that my only saviour ahaha. thanks for listening

Guest_10050 Finding out my brother died via email
  • replies: 1

Hi, I'm new here. I lost my brother in December 10 years ago but didn't know until 5 weeks later in January 2015. Not only has he died, but they cremated him 5 days before I learnt via email. I still feels rather like 10 months ago, not 10 years. Kin... View more

Hi, I'm new here. I lost my brother in December 10 years ago but didn't know until 5 weeks later in January 2015. Not only has he died, but they cremated him 5 days before I learnt via email. I still feels rather like 10 months ago, not 10 years. Kind regards.

Nelly-Kelly2 2 awesome men in my life and struggling
  • replies: 5

So I’ve been in a relationship with a man (man 1) for 12 years. I love him but not the way he wants me to love him. He’s like a really good friend.Recently I started a bit of a fling with another man (man 2) that I’ve known for 20 years and we both g... View more

So I’ve been in a relationship with a man (man 1) for 12 years. I love him but not the way he wants me to love him. He’s like a really good friend.Recently I started a bit of a fling with another man (man 2) that I’ve known for 20 years and we both get along soo well it’s ridiculous. We get each other. We both love each other but some of my family are trying to persuade me otherwise. ‘Man 1’ is very clingy and i feel like he watches me like a hawk. He is so detail oriented and I feel like I can’t do anything because he is so attentive of everything I do and I feel like he’s watching me like a hawk. Man 2 lets me be who I am and doesn’t judge me. I feel like I can be myself. I’ve moved in and moved out half a dozen times since this has all been going on and I have a lot of issues like anxiety and depression and I don’t know if I should let man 1 go so he can move on but I’m scared that it might not work with man 2 and I end up being sad and alone.