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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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BlueFish Advice on Husband and his drinking
  • replies: 4

Good afternoon, I need to vent and get peoples thoughts: My husband had some stresses in his life recently, lost both his parents 9 months apart (they were in their 60s). Before this he did drink, started years ago as only a couple of days but slowly... View more

Good afternoon, I need to vent and get peoples thoughts: My husband had some stresses in his life recently, lost both his parents 9 months apart (they were in their 60s). Before this he did drink, started years ago as only a couple of days but slowly became everyday. After losing his parents he started to drink even more, he started to hide his drinking. Stopping on his way home hiding bottles and topping up his soft drink etc. Eventually he became angry when ever he drank. Not physically violent just verbal. He would start fights with our children (18+ in ages) and me. I had to return home from a work function one night after having them call me because he was yelling so much and they were scared. When I returned they had left as i had told them and he was acting as if nothing happened. Calm and did not know why they left. The next day he could only remember parts of the night. He eventually admitted he had a problem and stopped drinking. He did relapse and hid drinks but we made it through that as well. He attended 1 AA, to much god for him Now, he drinks non alcoholic beer and enjoys it. But on the occasion he drinks I feel anxious, even with just one. After 2 he starts to show signs of anger. I had a small panic attack recently while on holidays when i seen him sneaking a drink, his response was that I was over reacting and being ridiculous. Yes I have tried to explain how I feel in a clam way, it generally ends with him walking off shitty and I feel like it is me with the problem. He has his go to sayings "I am almost 50 and should be able to enjoy a drink if i want" is his favourite. I went from almost no trust in him not drinking to having trust that he is not, but there are times i question myself. No point asking his answer is always no. And if i do ask I have to be very specific, for example I asked him one day if he had a drink on the way home ( i could smell it) he said no, with further questioning he had had 2 drinks but not on the way home, therefor he did not lie. At a recent event he did have a few drinks, when I asked him to slow down, this made him angry. He sulked and was shitty. Then he was ready to go because I had ruined the night. One the drive home he talked about getting a divorce because he should be able to drink and he was over me getting upset and not wanting him to drink. The next day he apologised and said he was just frustrated. That is the extent of his apology. Says he does not like to upset me so does not talk about it.

Sunnydays Depressed partner
  • replies: 2

My partner and I have been together for 11 years. He has always has anxiety and every 12 months would go through periods of depression where he would be unhappy with me for a short time, then things would go back to normal. For the last 14 months my ... View more

My partner and I have been together for 11 years. He has always has anxiety and every 12 months would go through periods of depression where he would be unhappy with me for a short time, then things would go back to normal. For the last 14 months my partner has been in a constant depressed state. Over this time he has expressed this to be for a number of reasons, including his family dynamic (his parents), his relationship with our 5 year old son (who has a parental preference towards me which has been difficult to change) and his feelings towards me. He blames me and says that he wished I had just listened to him and his problems with me over the years. I feel so confused and silly because I had always thought when things had gotten better after his depression each time that I had made enough changes to myself and the relationship to help him feel better. The constant state of things being good, bad and then good again is confusing. 9 months ago I encouraged him to see a psychologist with he agreed to. He says that it’s ruined his life, he feels worse now, and implies it is my fault. he hardly talks to me and where possible he ignores and avoids me. He says he hates being in the house around the noise and mess (which is hard to hear because I constantly clean to try make it better for him). He goes to the beach and drives around for hours so he doesn’t have to be here. I feel like I’m constantly walking on egg shells and when I try to even make small talk he generally won’t say anything back unless he really needs to. Instead he will just shrug or sometimes looks at me with a ‘why are you talking to me’ look. he doesn’t want to talk to a therapist or anyone and has mentioned medication is not something he would consider. after 14 months of being ignored and walking on eggshells I’m considering that we may need to seperate but I don’t want to abandon him. I’m stuck between wanting to look after myself and our son but worried about him. All I know is that I can’t live like this forever and I don’t know what more I can do. I’ve encouraged him to consider a therapist again and talk to his dad or perhaps uncle that he has great relationships with .

Saran Pregnant at 41
  • replies: 11

Hi everyone A little background, happily married 5 years (10 together) have two beautiful children aged 4 and 7. Recently found out we are pregnant, VERY unexpected, we are 12 weeks -had the NIPT test and results are good. I am so devastated to be pr... View more

Hi everyone A little background, happily married 5 years (10 together) have two beautiful children aged 4 and 7. Recently found out we are pregnant, VERY unexpected, we are 12 weeks -had the NIPT test and results are good. I am so devastated to be pregnant again. I was hoping by now I’d come around to it - we both do not want any more children and explored termination however I’ve struggled with the idea as worried about guilt and regret. I adore my current children but have found being a mum hard, both did not sleep well for a long time and caused me a lot of distress. We have our life back on track and now this…… I’m hoping to find joy but all I see is hard work and struggles ahead

Guest_14057205 Binge drinking
  • replies: 3

My partner is a binge drinker. Starts with a few drinks one night, a bottle wine the next then 2 and then days of drinking, passing out waking up and continuing to drink. I have been at the receiving end of the blame for so many things. She blames me... View more

My partner is a binge drinker. Starts with a few drinks one night, a bottle wine the next then 2 and then days of drinking, passing out waking up and continuing to drink. I have been at the receiving end of the blame for so many things. She blames me for her selling her house. She cannot stand the fact that I have been married before. She cannot say why she drinks. She has admitted on numerous occasions that it is an issue and she needs help but never gets any. We have planned a future together and in one of her up phases, bought a house. Again the drink has raised its head. I'm not sure what to do as the drinking is affecting how I feel about our relationship and our/my future. Having just bought a house I feel hemmed in and have no idea what to do.

Jessksch I've lost faith in relationships...my father cheated, my sister's husband cheated...
  • replies: 2

My father cheated and miss-treated my mum because she gained weight, he almost left her but they stayed together "for me" when I was young. Yesterday I got a call from my sister, a 20 year relationship down the drain as he is leaving her for his girl... View more

My father cheated and miss-treated my mum because she gained weight, he almost left her but they stayed together "for me" when I was young. Yesterday I got a call from my sister, a 20 year relationship down the drain as he is leaving her for his girlfriend. She is amazing: beautiful, always active, very intelligent (she has a master's degree in science but gave it up to take care of the kids)... Only a few days ago I got upset at my fiance because he seems to be taking me for granted; says he loves me but has a hard time opening up his emotions and being "sensitive" with me. He is kind and respectful, but not romantic or does not things for me unless I ask. He loves talking to me about his day and wants me to be there to listen to him, but doesn't show interest in my day or things. He says he doesn't want to lie and pretend to be interested.We talked and he promised to be better but I lost faith... I am at a loss, I always aimed to just find someone to love or a best friend to go through life with but I lost faith now in every man in my life and feeling hopeless in life.

MidnightThinker No one ever asks how I am
  • replies: 7

Hi this is my first time posting. I felt like venting a bit where there was no chance of anyone knowing who I am, or having anyone I do know find it.I have pretty bad depression and anxiety but I like to think I’ve gotten pretty good with managing it... View more

Hi this is my first time posting. I felt like venting a bit where there was no chance of anyone knowing who I am, or having anyone I do know find it.I have pretty bad depression and anxiety but I like to think I’ve gotten pretty good with managing it most of the time but there’s one thing that constantly weighs on me and that’s the fact that no one seems to be very interested in me at any capacity. I live with my partner and we have these family dinners and every single time no one who comes over ever asks how I’m doing or about anything new in my life. It’s like I’m just sitting there in the background. I try to involve myself by having a laugh as everyone jokes about and I try to contribute to conversations as best as I can but no one really ever acknowledges what I’ve said. Typically the subject will change as soon as I’ve spoken and I just glance at my phone to hide the fact that I’m hurt. I was hoping that after making some big accomplishments (for me) that maybe someone would ask about them. For example I just got a new job after 6 months of unemployment and no one even acknowledged it, let alone asked about it. I know it‘s probably stupid but I can’t help but feel like I just don’t mean anything to people at all. Not even enough to have a pretty surface level conversation because no one has ever cared to bother uttering the words “how are you?” Or “what’s new?”I ask everyone how they are of course and they’re more than happy to answer but I never get that same courtesy. Maybe it’s stupid if me to be upset by it but you’d think after almost 10 years that people would start to care at least a little, but clearly they don’t. Has anyone else experienced this? How did you get through it without feeling kinda worthless in the world? I’m really struggling with this because I don’t really have any friends that I can see somewhat regularly, and I’m not super close with my own family either. I just wish someone would care but it honestly feels like there must be something fundamentally wrong with me to have not a single soul beyond my partner give a flying turd about me and my existence.

Hurting So confused
  • replies: 1

He never, ever touched me. He was kind, loving, fun, always loyal. He would smash things, put holes in walls and doors. He would drink and disappear. He was always under a lot of stress. I would get angry and call him names when he would be drunk and... View more

He never, ever touched me. He was kind, loving, fun, always loyal. He would smash things, put holes in walls and doors. He would drink and disappear. He was always under a lot of stress. I would get angry and call him names when he would be drunk and mean.I think I caused it. Is it possible to make someone behave that way? I tried to make changes, see relationship councillors, be more patient and more kind. I saw my own psychologist and worked on myself.I think I broke him. He has a new partner now, only a month after we ended our 5 year engagement. He is really happy.Is it possible that he will be an amazing partner with no anger with her and I was the reason everything happened?

Guest_19936700 loneliness and loss of emotional connection
  • replies: 1

Hi, My husband and I have been married for over 7 years and he has been working interstate since the middle of last year. While he isn't technically working as a Fly in, Fly out worker, his schedule is such that he does fly home on some of his time o... View more

Hi, My husband and I have been married for over 7 years and he has been working interstate since the middle of last year. While he isn't technically working as a Fly in, Fly out worker, his schedule is such that he does fly home on some of his time off. The arrangement settled around 6 months ago, to currently 5 weeks away, 3-4 days back. In the beginning of this arrangement, the longest period was 8 weeks. To say his absence has been felt is an understatement. We have shared most of our marriage living together, sharing the highs and lows of life. We don't have any children, but two dogs who live with me and who (aside from a couple of close friends who know about the situation) are all I have here. His move to this new position was for two reasons. He needed/wanted to upskill in his current industry and this move gave him the opportunity to do so through employment. The pay increase has also helped support my ability to complete a degree which entails 1000 hours of unpaid work-I'm sure you could probably guess. When we first discussed the option of him moving, it was felt painful to think about, but ultimately was necessary to help support us achieve when we needed to and support us. Now that time has passed, I have found myself incredibly lonely. I exercise almost 6 days per week, I'm still working one day per week while I finish writing a thesis, and get to see 2-3 friends outside of this every 1-2 weeks. Maybe it's being at home completing the study and the isolation that comes with that, or perhaps it's something more, but I miss him being physically present (I honestly miss SOMEONE being physically present). We talk everyday on the phone, but I am missing that connection. I feel an overwhelming need to connect with people, I go to the gym to exercise and be around people. I feel resentful of our current situation and there are no plans to currently to change that. I love him, he's my best friend, but I feel like I can't connect with him (when he comes home, it takes me a day or so to switch back to being his wife, not someone independent. It feels like I am single most of the time, it's the only way I can describe it. It makes me feel sad, and lonely and depressed. There is A LOT of context missing from this, but I don't know, I needed to share it with someone. The lack of intimacy, of closeness, of sharing a life is something I really miss and I have no real way forward on how to deal with this. Your thoughts or ideas are appreciated!

TFN Feeling lost and confused
  • replies: 1

Hi, I have been with my husband for 20years, married for 11 of those. We have a large age gap but this has never been any issue between us..I am feeling lost and unsure where to go from here, About 2 weeks ago he went out to footy with 3 workmates an... View more

Hi, I have been with my husband for 20years, married for 11 of those. We have a large age gap but this has never been any issue between us..I am feeling lost and unsure where to go from here, About 2 weeks ago he went out to footy with 3 workmates and they ended up at a strip club where he paid for a lap dance for one of the guys, who then didn't take it and he says that nobody did and it was waste of money but then when he came home he lied to me about the night and I only know about the strip joint and lap dance as I found out from some one else and then confronted my husband. We had several intense phone calls about it and he stands by that he never got lap dance and none of the girls came near him, that he sat at the bar whole time and admits to lying about it cause he thought I would get angry about him going there, but he wouldn't come home from work, he is fifo, to talk face to face about it and now there has been no contact for days. He says that he has changed over past few years, since losing brother in law, and is feeling numb to so many things. He has also said that he realises he has messed up and that he is sorry, I dont deserve this and that loves me and doesn't want to lose our marriage, family and the last 20years, He wants to build the trust back in our relationship..I am just feeling that I am not good enough, am worthless and that he doesnt care...I just don't know what to do or where to go from here..any words would be appreciated