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Dr_Kim Understanding feelings of rejection. 
  • replies: 38

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like los... View more

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up. Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples. 1. “I’m not good enough” This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more! 2. "Nobody will ever love me”. This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us. 3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?” Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes. In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language: it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down.

Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Bridge678 Medicine withdrawal
  • replies: 10

Hey guys, so a while go I posted about my husband cheating. And of course I think and think about it all the time. Anyway today I had a realisation. At the time when this happened he had gone off (against advice) his anxiety meds cold turkey. Thinkin... View more

Hey guys, so a while go I posted about my husband cheating. And of course I think and think about it all the time. Anyway today I had a realisation. At the time when this happened he had gone off (against advice) his anxiety meds cold turkey. Thinking about when this affair happened I thought he was showing off which was really out of character for him, his behaviour was like he was buzzing a bit. I asked him today if that was when he came off his meds and he agreed I then asked him how he felt at the time of the affair and he said he didn’t feel himself and felt heightened. I suggested did you feel a bit invisable and he said yes a bit I guess and now I’m wondering if the sudden stopping off the meds and the excessive drinking which was done on this period of time has induced mania. There was a few random things he did over that few days that were out of character which I can’t say what as if anyone knows us on here they would work out who I am. I don’t know enough about it but what I’m reading so far it sure matches up. It still doesn’t excuse what happened but if this is a possibility it sure makes it a little easier to swallow. What do you guys think?

maddie_faye Not many friends and fear of losing the ones I have
  • replies: 2

So I only have two close friends, one who I’ve know my whole life but I rarely see her because she lives an hour away and has an inconsistent work schedule and the other one lives only 10 minutes away. with the friend that lives 10 minutes away we we... View more

So I only have two close friends, one who I’ve know my whole life but I rarely see her because she lives an hour away and has an inconsistent work schedule and the other one lives only 10 minutes away. with the friend that lives 10 minutes away we were meant to be going out tomorrow for a drive which we were both looking forward to tomorrow and I even told my psychologist I was looking forward to this and her Mum (even tho she’s 20) rang my mum last night to tell her that she won’t be going because she doesn’t do well in the cold and isn’t really feeling well but is too scared to tell me. I was unaware of this as when I spoke to her about it she seemed quite excited, and this is something that does happen sometimes when I make plans with her she can’t go for whatever reason and when I spoke to my friend Today she told me that she can’t go because of family stuff. now the reason why I’m worried about losing the only two close friends that I have is because according to my mum I can be quite selfish sometimes and not flexible when it comes to making plans which I guess would be my personality flaws. If I lost my friends that would devestate me and make my mental health even worse that what it actually is.

Just_need_answers Looking for answers - he won’t give them to me
  • replies: 4

I thought I had met the most amazing man. We were engaged after one year of dating. thisgs had been pretty amazing . The doubt began when he had parked his car at my place we were staying at his. He made plans to play golf but needed his golf clubs t... View more

I thought I had met the most amazing man. We were engaged after one year of dating. thisgs had been pretty amazing . The doubt began when he had parked his car at my place we were staying at his. He made plans to play golf but needed his golf clubs that were in his car at my place. I said I would get them for him as I was heading that way & could pick them up. He acted all weird- he even said oh no I will go and get them on the motorbike - I rearranged my appointments to go straight home as he seemed nervous. I got home went to the boot of his car and yes the golf clubs were there and a box with bag of stuff - i decided to look through the bag. I found a wig a heap of adult toys and stockings and female underwear. I was shattered- My first thoughts were why is he getting a woman to dress up for him and not asking me. His first response when confronted was he just bought them from the adult shop on a cheap sell out table- I replied with I don’t think they sell second hand toys and worn underwear. he then changed his story and said they were from before me and had been in his car for over a year.I said so which is it. he said he didn’t want his daughter to find in his house ( she is 24 ) He had also lent his car to his son and this wasn’t a problem. it never crossed my mind at this time he was dressing up. I received a picture text from him of a person in dressed up he didn’t crop the top of message and it mentioned a site so I googled the site. I was now questioning his sexuality. He started sending me more pictures and would just say he was trying to shock me and that it is only fantasy. Lots of adult pictures and named acts which i looked up to find out what they were. He had asked me to do things that I have questioned, although he says these are fantasies only. And he is not cheating and there is no one else in his life and he only loves me. His brother is aggressive to me - he yells at me & is very jealous of us, tells me that he loves him more than I do & how much he hates me & has told his brother to leave me. I have been very compassionate in any approach but I am met with anger and nastiness and told I am crazy My question is - is he cheating and leading a double life

Casey_90 Drinking to excess every 8 months or so, leading to violence.
  • replies: 8

Good morning My husband and I have been together for approximately nine years. He was raised in an abusive environment where his parents would often leave him home by himself at the age of seven to look after his four younger brothers and sisters, wh... View more

Good morning My husband and I have been together for approximately nine years. He was raised in an abusive environment where his parents would often leave him home by himself at the age of seven to look after his four younger brothers and sisters, whilst they went out binging all weekend. He would witness them abusing each other quite often. His brothers and sisters don't really remember it, but he clearly does. Now to lead this into present day. He is a fantastic husband and father, he is so selfless and loyal and loves me endlessly. 90% of the time he is fantastic, however, he has a flaw, as we all do, though this is somewhat larger. If there is a family event, probably once a year, him and his mother will stay up all night drinking, they both have the tendency to pick fights when they are in a state, they will fight with one another. Then my husband will come home and try to pick a fight with me, something so simple, like I didn't say hello or whatever. I absolutely try to not engage, I say nothing, I walk away, I say enough, please just go to bed and it just makes him angrier. On two occasions, he's hit a wall, one where he broke his hand. He has never hit me or threatened to hit me, I also don't feel scared, just annoyed that he doesn't have the ability to just end the night and go to bed. The next day he is sorry for himself, he will cry, we will talk it through. He has done it in front of his family, whereby it resulted in him and his mum sitting down and opening up about how his childhood has affected him, which helped, a lot. I have organised counselling, he does not like this side of him and willingly went to counselling. However, yesterday it happened again, he was going so well for 8 months and bam, it happened again. Upon speaking with him today, it was the same, sad, sorry. Honestly I am falling out of love with him, I spoke to him about this today, like I'm at the point where, when he does this, I lose so much respect and my love is waining. I strive for the idea of the old couple holding hands, but it is hard. I understand he is dealing with unresolved issues from the past and there will be slip ups, but quite frankly, I'm worried for my kids and how they will view relationships. I make absolutely every effort to shield them from this behaviour, I will calmly walk them to our room and they will still be happy, just watching their tablet or whatever. But quite frankly, this is not acceptable. What do I do?

Guest_342 Living together for first time
  • replies: 18

Hi everyone, My partner has just moved in. I've lived alone for many years and am used to doing things my way and having my own space and choice as to what I do and when I do it. After a long period of a long distance relationship, he has now moved t... View more

Hi everyone, My partner has just moved in. I've lived alone for many years and am used to doing things my way and having my own space and choice as to what I do and when I do it. After a long period of a long distance relationship, he has now moved to my city and into my place. I went into it feeling optimistic and was aware that I need to conromise and be welcoming so he feels like it is his home too. However, we'd not so much as gone on a holiday together before so this is a big jump to a full time live-in arrangement. He got rid of most of his furniture and changed jobs to make the move. It's an amazing gesture on his part. I am finding myself being easily irritated in our first week and struggling to feel attraction at the moment. One thing that has caused a lot of grieg yesterday and today is that I am not used to sharing my bed, so I am used to having silence. He has tended to sleep on his side facing the middle of the bed (i.e. in my direction). He tends to breathe through his mouth so it can be noisy. I thought for a long while how I can respectfully ask him to roll the other way without upsetting him. Eventually I gained the courage to politely ask him. He asked why so I said I am not ised to someone else's breathing and it is in my ear and a bit loud for me. He then said, "Ok... I'll hold my breath or mouth breathe this way." This morning, I asked how his sleep was, as I always do, and he said he hadn't slept all night because of what I said and that he became self conscious. I think he thought I was implying that he is particularly noisy. I tried to explain that anyone lying next to me might have the same effect while I am adjusting. This morning, as he was getting ready for work, he made a few comments that he was sleepy and would try to get through the day. He didn't ask how I was (I didn't sleep either, as I felt that I had said something demoralising and hurtful). He hasn't really asked how I am at all this week, despite him knowing this is an incredibly hard adjustment for me. Did I go about this the wrong way? Is this kind of bickering normal for the first week? I can't help but have doubts, but feel stuck because he gave so much up for me.

jem_jem Why can't I leave
  • replies: 6

I have been in a relationship with my partner for 10 years, it has been challenging to say the least. I know I don't mean much to him, I know I'll never be good enough and I don't even think we are friends. I know what I have been through has been em... View more

I have been in a relationship with my partner for 10 years, it has been challenging to say the least. I know I don't mean much to him, I know I'll never be good enough and I don't even think we are friends. I know what I have been through has been emotional abuse but I lack the courage to leave even though I know that would be best. We have a daughter together and it hurts me to think of having to put her through a family breaking up. I know what he says is more of a reflection of how awful and selfish he is but I fall for it and I believe the awful things he says. It makes me feel powerless and stuck. He reminds me often that I wouldn't survive without him and it makes me terrified of failing. Whenever I speak up he threatens to leave, I do think this would be best but why am I so scared of it. I cry when I'm alone often. I don't tell my friends or family what's happening because I don't want them to worry nor do I want sympathy. Sometimes I question my worth and feel like giving up. I just don't understand how someone could be so cruel and heartless.

Freedolphin9 Guilt over leaving partner
  • replies: 4

I F23 and partner 24 have been on a nice long road trip to see my family over the last two weeks interstate. We have been together 9 years and living together for about 6. Durring the past month I have been experiencing a lot of emotional abuse, more... View more

I F23 and partner 24 have been on a nice long road trip to see my family over the last two weeks interstate. We have been together 9 years and living together for about 6. Durring the past month I have been experiencing a lot of emotional abuse, more than usual and I just feel exhausted. I have been planning on leaving him in a few weeks time to go live with my family but when the day comes I don't know if I can do it. I'm scared if I stay its going to continue to get worse and eventually lead to violence as his dad is violent to his mum and previously to me. I am just confused as I was so set in leaving him but I am really worried he will be too sad and of hurting him. I want to stay friends so bad as I still love him but am not in love anymore. I've begged for years to see a counsellor together but he refuses. I have been going to one by myself though who is concerned for me about my partner. I believe I will be okay but I have this guilt and worried it will hurt him. I also worry I am a bad person wanting to not be in a relationship anymore. He does a lot of nice things for me and feel like I owe him for everything he's done for me as well. I don't like it when hes not nice but he can be really nice too. I also would take my dog with me and I feel really bad but he doesn't feed her, buy her food, clothes, treats, pay for insurance and she's in my name... but I feel so bad separating them. But I know I wouldn't cope without her either. We couldn't do custody either as I'd be living interstate and don't want to stress her even more. He works full time while I study at home so spend all day with the dog... Has anyone got any advice I am so stuck and lost. Anyone else been through something similar?

MummaOf4 Feeling unappreciated
  • replies: 2

Back story- Mine and husband's son has a heart condition and required surgery twice. I had finally decided to get off my axx and look for work. It's always been easy for husband to get a job, within 5 mins. Me not so much, I have to work for an inter... View more

Back story- Mine and husband's son has a heart condition and required surgery twice. I had finally decided to get off my axx and look for work. It's always been easy for husband to get a job, within 5 mins. Me not so much, I have to work for an interview, apply for literally 50 jobs just to hear back from 3. I finally have an interview close by and our son has become ill... I feel like a full time baby sitter. I've supported everyone in my household but where is my support? Right now I feel resentment, anger, depressed and unappreciated. That's now how a wife is suppose to feel. I'd love for once for my husband to say "hey honey you have done amazing, I'll put you first and watch you smile with a new job" but it never happens. I've always supported him with his new jobs. Our son is super clingy to him as well so it's also bloody hard for me to function with him crying for his dad. I've been feeling suicidal as this isn't the life I wanted.

shorti My Dad bought a motorbike
  • replies: 4

Hi all, My Dad bought a motorbike last year. He now rides it to work and I'm completely stressing out over it to the point where I lost sleep last night and ended up in bed crying. I'm worried he is going to end up in an accident and seriously injure... View more

Hi all, My Dad bought a motorbike last year. He now rides it to work and I'm completely stressing out over it to the point where I lost sleep last night and ended up in bed crying. I'm worried he is going to end up in an accident and seriously injure himself or get killed. He only got his licence recently so he isn't experienced at riding. He's 64 years of age so no spring chicken. I lost my mum 17 years ago so the thought of losing my Dad is stressing me out. My mum was an alcoholic and I spent the majority of my teenage years stressing she would get killed on the road drink driving. Now I feel like it's happening all over again, stressing over my dad being killed on the road. I gave birth to my first baby four months ago and I want him to be around to enjoy being a grandfather. Is it strange for someone in their mid 60s to just go out and buy a motorbike? My sister is worried too but says it's his life so nothing we can do. I know she's right but it doesn't stop me stressing over it.

Marguerita Te effects of emotional abuse on a marriage
  • replies: 6

I am finding this very hard. I have been keeping a lot of emotional baggage to myself. But it’s getting too overwhelming for me keeping it all together. I am married to a very nice man. But every now and then he snaps, and is quite angry and verbally... View more

I am finding this very hard. I have been keeping a lot of emotional baggage to myself. But it’s getting too overwhelming for me keeping it all together. I am married to a very nice man. But every now and then he snaps, and is quite angry and verbally abusive. Sometimes I recognise that my behaviour has triggered frustration in him and I let it slide. But other times I haven’t done anything and he just snaps, shocking me with the degree of repressed anger in his tone. He says he can’t seem to help himself but he can when around others. It’s having a bad effect on me. I feel like I’m always censoring my behaviour and what I say in case he snaps. 90% of the time he is thoughtful and kind, and helps me when I am unwell. But this anger has made me withdraw from him to the degree that I pretty much have isolated myself. I know he feels this. I don’t know what to do. I feel like staying with him is damaging my mental health but I really don’t seem to have the courage or the desire to hurt him by telling him I want out of my marriage.