Relationship and family issues

Trying to do the right thing doesn’t guarantee anything

replies: 3

I’ve had depression for 15+ years which was managed by medication. I was in a 9 year relationship that I ended as he was an alcoholic and I when I was scared to go home I knew it was time to end it. It was a horrible breakup process and took me 4 yea... View more

I’ve had depression for 15+ years which was managed by medication. I was in a 9 year relationship that I ended as he was an alcoholic and I when I was scared to go home I knew it was time to end it. It was a horrible breakup process and took me 4 years to even want to try dating again. And then I met this loving, caring man on a night out, and at the time I misinterpreted his actions thinking he was falling in love with me. This lead to a 7 year relationship and I thought he was the one, but when my depression returned deeper then I’ve ever experienced. Under his and my sisters guidance I was admitted to psychiatric wards 3 times for ECT, TMS, and multiple medication combinations which I did not respond to. I’ve been told by psychiatrists that I intellectualise my therapy techniques but don’t connect emotionally to them. I could see the damage I was doing to my boyfriend and because of my own warped sense of reality I could never believe he loved me, he just needed someone to fill the ‘girlfriend’ position. I tried so hard to give him the best but I could see how much he was suffering so I thought ending the relationship would be best for both of us. It’s now been 6mths, my depression is at its lowest. He’s now been dating someone for 3months and she is beautiful, younger and making him comfortable enough to publicise their relationship in ways he never did with me. I feel so bad that I wasted so much of his time, and I’m heartbroken that this was my closest change of being loved. I don’t know what I expect to from posting this, I don’t want sympathy or compassion. People have it much worse than me. I guess I just want society to change so that we are allowed to end our life’s when and where we choose in a safe, peaceful way. I really am happy for him In his new life, and want him to have that always. But I wish I could have been the one as I miss the life we had together and the hope for the future.

Worried about our marriage

replies: 3

My wife and I have been married since September 29th 2007 (it was afl grand final day) and had been together for a year and a bit prior. I left a good job in Tasmania to be with her and her family on the Gold coast in early 2007 as she wasn't prepare... View more

My wife and I have been married since September 29th 2007 (it was afl grand final day) and had been together for a year and a bit prior. I left a good job in Tasmania to be with her and her family on the Gold coast in early 2007 as she wasn't prepared to relocate and at the time her family wouldn't have liked that either. Things were amazing then in 2009 my dad passed away and my wife was struggling with finding the right job so we decided to move back to Tasmania. My wife having no family here became very independent and soon secured full time employment. Things were still amazing we purchased our first home in 2012. Something wasn't right we had no children in our life yet. We tried unsuccessfully deciding not to do ivf. 2016 we sold our villa and moved into a house we had custom built for us. It was amazing establishing gardens and doing projects as a couple. But shortly after my wife's grand father passed away and I found my wife depressed and crying wanting her family. So we sold up moved back to Queensland after a few months we purchased a business a mobile coffee van and the plan was to work it together most days. Unfortunately we were struggling with the Queensland heat while working outdoors on the coffee van so we decided to pack up after 12 months and move back to Hobart with the business. It went really well at first then covid hit and we restructured a bit but still going strong until 2022 when cost of living was starting to become a issue for our customer base. I returned to a full time job while my wife ran the business most days. It was OK but we started finding that we were disconnecting from each other she then secured more hours in a part time job and was losing interest in the business. After some equipment issues we decided to close down the business but I feel my wife and I have become really disconnected since. Fast forward to the present time my wife became very close friends with a female workmate. When I met this lady I found she wasn't interested in knowing me and started to feel she wasn't the right company for my wife as she was separated and had some family issues. But my wife formed a bond with her like family calling her a cousin and spoke like they were family and chatted more than my wife's own family (often 2 times a day). My wife asks me can I take $50 out and give to her. I was shocked and said I don't feel comfortable with this as I knew the friend was a drinker and smoker. It was at that point my wife says I've been supporting her with gift cards I get from doing surveys (I thought that's OK if my wife wants to). My wife has a big caring heart but can be easily lead. So I said no to the $50 and later that day I get a message I love you I've taken $50 out for her I love you. I was stressed upset and called my mother in law who had met this lady on the phone and had bad vibes. We talked and i went for a big walk to calm down and collect my thoughts. I then decided to send my wife's friend a message just saying that I wasn't comfortable with the so called loan and advised her there are services out there if she needs assistance. I was told by the friend to butt out and I had no idea what she was going thru and never talk or message her again. This has lead to amosity between my wife and I as she has ended the friendship but has gone into a state of silence most days. We started talking about moving back to Queensland so my wife will have family. Some days she's supports the idea then next day not interested at all. Please help, my wife is going to Queensland for a week to be with family so hope they can help because I'm lost and worried what our next step will be We are looking into marriage counselling but I'm unsure if my wife will be open to that. Apologies for thevlong drawn out post just needed to reach out.

Struggling Socially

replies: 1

Hi, It feels a bit cliché, and possibly futile to even express this online, but I don't really know where else to turn to, so just wanted to get some outsider perspective on this. I've struggled with making friends my whole life, it's nothing new, bu... View more

Hi, It feels a bit cliché, and possibly futile to even express this online, but I don't really know where else to turn to, so just wanted to get some outsider perspective on this. I've struggled with making friends my whole life, it's nothing new, but it increasingly gets me down as time goes on. Once upon a time, yes I was a nihilistic, negative and quite annoying person to be around (around 10+ years ago). However, I've been actively trying to improve myself since, being receptive to advice I see online and receive from therapists. I try to be outgoing, approaching people and initiating conversations. I don't just talk about myself, I'm not mopey or needy, I actively engage with people's interests, always keen to learn about them and get to know individuals in general. I'm well groomed, I pursue hobbies whenever I can, all-in-all I've been trying to make myself a person that people want to be around. But they don't, and I simply don't understand why. My partner attracts heaps of people, which I won't lie I get resentful of from time to time - especially when she complains about not having friends. It's especially heartbreaking when I approach people and they're far more interested in her. And I swear it's not just me projecting - they talk to her more, they want to follow up and organise things with her after we meet. Meanwhile, I'll follow up after and typically people just won't reply to me. I've felt so lonely for so long, and putting all this effort into improving myself just feels like a waste. If there's anything I can elaborate on further to better inform a response, please let me know, because I feel like I'm going crazy.

Confused, depressed and feel stuck

replies: 2

I’m really hoping I can find clarity and help here. Me and my partner have been together 6 years and have broken up twice in that time. I have a daughter who is 11 (different father) and he and I have a 2 year old son together. He is a beautiful man ... View more

I’m really hoping I can find clarity and help here. Me and my partner have been together 6 years and have broken up twice in that time. I have a daughter who is 11 (different father) and he and I have a 2 year old son together. He is a beautiful man and I know he would never hurt me physically but on the weekend we had a pretty big fight because I was standing up for my daughter and his response was “well if you don’t like it get out”… I’m still feeling really emotional and hurt by this statement as he knows I don’t have anywhere to go and no family ect. We have just gotten back together but we were still living and sleeping with each other while ‘broken up’. The plan was I was going to move out with the kids and was saving to do so. I just feel like no matter how much I save and no matter how much I do I’ll never have the money to move. I just had to transfer him $400 for half of the bills. I love him but mentally and emotionally I’m just done. I can’t afford the rent here on my own where we are ($500 a week) and really just want to be on my own in my own house. Not only do I need to save for the first 4 weeks rent, I need to buy a washing machine, bed and mattress for myself and down the track a dining table. I just feel really stuck and alone.

Partner can not cope with difficult times

replies: 2

I am 51 years old and went through a very sad and painful marriage and divorce around 5 years ago. I have two children - 18 and 16 and am a loving and devoted sole parent. Both kids gave me absolute hell after the divorce and I was sole parenting fro... View more

I am 51 years old and went through a very sad and painful marriage and divorce around 5 years ago. I have two children - 18 and 16 and am a loving and devoted sole parent. Both kids gave me absolute hell after the divorce and I was sole parenting from day 1 of the separation as their dad was too unstable. They were traumatised and rebellious but things are getting better with them and they are generally nice kids, working and going to school. I opened myself up to a relationship 4 years ago with a man who seemed strong and caring and kind. He had been through hell with his divorce and then the breakdown of a long term relationship. His children were grownup when we met but had their own severe teenage behavioural and trauma issues when he was raising them. His 25 year old is a domestic violence perpetrator and our lives are ocassionally upended in dealing with it, but I am supportive and motivated to help both of his children with love and compassion. We have had a wonderful relationship almost every day and we have a beautiful life, with so much in common. He has been my favourite person in the world and he moved in 8 months ago. But...when the going gets tough with my children (they are not the easiest of teens but nor are they particularly bad), he goes into complete meltdown mode and disappears. Literally. He moves out of our beautiful family home and goes and stays with a family member. He is severely and disproportionately angered by crappy teenage behaviour and says that he has been through his own teen dramas, teen dramas in his last relationship and can not deal with mine. I feel so unsupported and somewhat resentful - he knew I had children when we met. The dramas with my kids are few and far between, though they can be extremely rude and disrespectful. I feel so cheated that he forgets all of the wonderful things that we have when an "incident" happens, and moves out. He starts talking about breaking up, and it only adds to the stress of whatever teen incident I am dealing with. I am unintentionally making him sound like a bad person, 99% of the time he is amazing and gets on with my kids and my family and friends love him. I guess it makes it all the more difficult to know what to do about this situation I find myself in.

Struggling in life and marriage

replies: 2

Really struggling right now and wanted somewhere to share my story and ask for advice. I’ve suffered from mental health issues since I was 13, primarily depression and anxiety but may be something else. Pretty sure both parents have mental health con... View more

Really struggling right now and wanted somewhere to share my story and ask for advice. I’ve suffered from mental health issues since I was 13, primarily depression and anxiety but may be something else. Pretty sure both parents have mental health conditions as well but neither have acknowledged this and “don’t believe” in mental health. I recently opened up to them about struggling for 30 years and just got “well, we never noticed anything” in response. I’ve been with my wife for close to 15 years and moved to Australia with her. We have a 7 year old daughter, who I love deeply. I love my wife deeply too but we are on the verge of separation. My mental health and panic attacks have caused major ruptures in our relationship and she had said she can no longer live with my cycle of behaviour. I understand this and in the past six months I’ve tried to put myself in her shoes. It’s been very confronting but necessary and I can only imagine how hard it is. She has called it a form of emotional abuse and I find it hard to disagree. It’s never been intentional but I can now see how draining and exhausting it must be for her. I’ve been on a renewed drive to try to really fix myself once and for all, but it’s been hard. My wife isn’t convinced about my therapist and still I get anxious easily. But I’m finding it tough and old habits die hard, and this weekend I had a massive panic attack over something stupid. I understand why the panic attack happened and what I can do in the future. my wife has had enough, and I feel I’m about to lose every part of my family. I’m trying so far but I know with ease lapse it drives a further wedge between us. I am devastated even if I know why. I’m also feeling desperately alone. I don’t have any close friends in Australia, no hope of talking to my idea, and I have no idea what to do next. any thoughts of advice are really appreciated.

Ex-partner is abusing my trauma to keep me out of our child’s life.

replies: 13

So for a little bit of context, I had a mental episode where I’ve disassociated and hurt my at the time partner. Immediately afterwards she had me arrested and a DVO was put in place. Since hen I’ve been doing everything I can to get some sort of dia... View more

So for a little bit of context, I had a mental episode where I’ve disassociated and hurt my at the time partner. Immediately afterwards she had me arrested and a DVO was put in place. Since hen I’ve been doing everything I can to get some sort of diagnosis and to try and make things right between myself, her and the few witnesses that were there, admittedly I pushed too hard but didn’t breach the DVO.But she seems to be taking advantage of this and is now constantly threatening to report me to the police. It seems to me that she’s wanted to end the relationship for a long time coming but the way she’s going about keeping us seperate is affecting both my ability to see my daughter and my sense of self.Ive spent damn near every day of the last 5 years of my life with this woman and she’s not only tossed me like a piece of rubbish, but she’s doing everything to try and burn my bridges to the world.Shes gone on such an offensive track that for a brief period just about every friend of mine turned on me and she’s had HER friends abuse me online. at this point I just wanna get my stuff outta the house and set up mandatory visitation rights but I’m that afraid of the legal system that any time I look into legal advice I can feel myself disconnect momentarily. i just want to see my baby girl again.

How to keep going

replies: 3

Been married for 13 years with a happy daughter of 4 yo, it may appear that I have a happy life but I found myself struggling.My wife and I met in uni like 17 years ago. Our relationship started and went well and we had so much happy memories.A few y... View more

Been married for 13 years with a happy daughter of 4 yo, it may appear that I have a happy life but I found myself struggling.My wife and I met in uni like 17 years ago. Our relationship started and went well and we had so much happy memories.A few years back we decided to have a child and things started to have a down turn, at least from what I feel.We had a very tough pregnancy. She had a complication and had nausea for whole 9 months until birth. We lived through it, I cooked every day with a white list of food she can eat. I don't expect much appreciation as I understand that she feels traumatized just by thinking about that period of time.Then baby came out, a lovely yet very demanding one. Cried all night for breast feed and mother had to stay up a lot. We lived though it but did not know how as we were both half sleepy.Then sleep get better but the child is mentally demanding. I work full time in demanding project, the minute after work I had to jump back to bay sitting, or preparing meal if she is away at work. Then my brain keeps busy until 10 to 11, which unfortunately is my child's sleep time.After that I don't feel like doing anything or thinking about anything. I just want to stop and get detached from the real world and get by.My wife has got a mild ADHD. Not sure if it's a blessing at a start as she is performing, has a big bandwidth and very capable, but recently does not look like blessing any more.A example is on spending time and energy planning for my child. I like spending time with my child. We have very good relationship and do a lot of things together. I don't think a lot need to be thought / planned as we just need to give my child the conditions and make her go her own way. However my wife keeps saying I am not doing parenting but just doing baby sitting, as she plans everything (finance, schooling plan, even food choice) very very thoroughly and carefully about everything and expects me to do the same.Recently she more and more criticize me for things I don't do up to her expectations or did not do 100% well. There is no positive conversation for most of evening. It almost feels like I am belittled and I feel worthless sometimes. Sex is out of question for a few months already as either I or her are so tired in late night.I don't want to find excuses to blame her as what she does seems beneficial for the family. However I don't seem to be able to catch up with her and I struggle a lot even to understand why she does things this way, as she is fifty steps ahead. On the other hand though, I don't think her attitude is right but I don't know how to let her know my situation and feelings.I am very tired to finish all I need to do and to give myself some relaxation in the mean time.I am nervous that what happens if I drop the ball (small or big) and afraid how mad my unforgiving wife will become.I struggle to see through, to understand what she wants and to make her happy, or even know whether it is possible to keep her happy with the me right now.Not sure anyone has this kind of experience but words of help / comfort would be very much appreciated.Thanks!

Controlling partner now has a serious neurological disorder.

replies: 14

I have mentioned about my controlling partner who is wonderful to everyone and to me about half the time.He has just been diagnosed with a neurological disorder .He was angry as I was away when he got the news and then hung up on me as I offered some... View more

I have mentioned about my controlling partner who is wonderful to everyone and to me about half the time.He has just been diagnosed with a neurological disorder .He was angry as I was away when he got the news and then hung up on me as I offered some practical advice. I wonder how people cope with a controlling partner who is unwell and will get worse.I want to care for him but am not sure my mental health can stand the stress of his anger and criticism. I would like to start a discussion on this topic.

Sisters psychologist diagnosed me

replies: 1

A psychologist my sister saw told my sister I am coercively controlling. I looked up this term & I am none of the symptoms mentioned. I advised my sister to look it up where she seemed surprised, but still believed the professional who told her this ... View more

A psychologist my sister saw told my sister I am coercively controlling. I looked up this term & I am none of the symptoms mentioned. I advised my sister to look it up where she seemed surprised, but still believed the professional who told her this about me. I spoke to my psychologist of 12+ years about it, and she said no you are not that. And also that psychologists should not be giving out diagnoses of others without seeing them & hearing all sides. It caused quite a rift between my sister & I, and we are now sadly estranged. Can I make a complaint about this psychologist? Granted things were not perfect between us, but this certainly set the tone of further negativity & distance between my sister & I.

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Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about

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