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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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white knight Victims of narcissism
  • replies: 6

Narcissism meaning - selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration, as characterizing a personality type (Oxford). One of the most powerful tools a narcissist can use at their disposal is triangulation. A... View more

Narcissism meaning - selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration, as characterizing a personality type (Oxford). One of the most powerful tools a narcissist can use at their disposal is triangulation. As with the above such descriptions are easily available on the internet. What is a problem for many people is that they might not realise they are the victim of a narcissistic person and the narc might not realise they are using weapons like triangulation to achieve their needs. Triangulation of which I've been a victim of in my family is a method whereby one person enlists the support and strength of another in a dispute between them and another person. Triangulation is "bringing out the big guns" to override someone they wish to dominate. So, classic example- At 27yo I dated a girl not of the religious flavour my mother liked. I argued to mother that it was my choice and when young - she had hers. A few days later my sister would approach me and almost word for word push the same agenda. Then I picked up my GF only to be told my mother had spoken to my GF's mother about it. She spoke to my GF and my GF suggested we split up. In fact that occurred a few days later. Being the victim of a narc is like being in a straight jacket with your life because it is being controlled by them and sometimes you dont even know it. You might feel you are the black sheep of the family and this is evident when your siblings or cousins are treated like they are untouchable... these are the "golden children". They do no wrong ever. Any favours you do as a child of the narc will result in a never ending drive to please by you, ultimately wanting to be a golden child also, however, sadly, you wont ever reach such heights It all becomes more difficult when a narc parent has a side that you like/love. In my case my mother had a nurturing side that was present until I could think for myself say 16yo. From then on all my thoughts were challenged as a form of domination. At no time were my dreams and creativity encouraged let alone my decisions. How to navigate life with a narcissist? You might need to accept this person is toxic and leave their life. If not certainly create distance between you both so you are not in their primary focus. Either way clarity of a narcs behaviour can be achieved through a therapist. Living with mental challenges is hard enough but add a narcissist to the mix and you will feel bullied and controlled. TonyWK

elledm Partner lied & cheated - how to move forward?
  • replies: 1

Hi there, My partner & I have been together for 5 years. I'm 48, he's 47. He has medical problems which has caused issues with our sex life & we aren't intimate as much as we used to be. My 'drive' is much higher than his but I have accepted the comp... View more

Hi there, My partner & I have been together for 5 years. I'm 48, he's 47. He has medical problems which has caused issues with our sex life & we aren't intimate as much as we used to be. My 'drive' is much higher than his but I have accepted the compromise... Although this has caused underlying issues with me not feeling wanted / him being embarrassed etc. We have both been 'head in the sand' & distracted ourselves with work / home / kids & just accepted that we get around to sex every now & then... not ideal but it's how its been. When it's good it's great though. I just found messages on his phone that he had contacted a number of escorts across 2 days in the past 2 weeks. Those 2 particular days, I was in hospital! I confronted him, he swore he never followed through, I asked the standard 'has it happened before' and he swore to me no, nothing has ever happened since we've been together. He told me the issues we've been having have been messing with his head & he doesn't know why he did it, he was just in a bad place for the last few months. Something didn't feel right about what he was saying so I checked his phone again and I found more messages from 8 months ago, where he did actually hook up with an escort while he was away for work. I confronted him again and he initially denied anything happened, until he realised I had all of the information and then he fessed up that he did actually have sex with her. The escort part isn't what is breaking me, it's the lying and the broken trust. And that I have never once denied him sex when he has been up for it, so the fact that he could have been with me yet he chose to go elsewhere, is screwing with my head. I feel just crap. Unwanted, unloved and undesired. He has been the only person I've ever fully trusted and been able to be 100% myself with, I really thought we were 'it' and not being able to trust him never once crossed my mind. But the fact he lied and also looked elsewhere the first minute he could, (ie when I'm in hospital!), that has crushed me, and I don't know how to move forward. He says he loves me & is really sorry for what he has done, he broke down & said it will never happen again. I love him, but how do you trust again when your insides have been ripped out? I don't know how to deal with it. Thanks for reading; I'm a very private person so won't discuss this with anyone IRL hence reaching out here.

NP07 CPTSD - Destroying My Marriage
  • replies: 1

Hey guys,I have CTPSD from my childhood and developed behaviours through adulthood to protect myself and stay safe.These behaviours have caused my wife a lot of pain over the last 30yrs. It has come to a point where she cannot see any future with me.... View more

Hey guys,I have CTPSD from my childhood and developed behaviours through adulthood to protect myself and stay safe.These behaviours have caused my wife a lot of pain over the last 30yrs. It has come to a point where she cannot see any future with me. I'm constantly working on myself, seeing a psychologist, changing my behaviours to be a better version of myself but my wife cannot see past her internal hurt and pain. I've taken ownership and acknowledged all my mistakes and taken the heat for so much more than that.Each day I try to appease my wife by working on what she needs. Each day the "goal posts" seem to move meaning I'm not satisfying her or respecting her to give her what she wants from me, to be open, honest and raw. I am doing these things while fighting through my anxiety and fear. My wife cannot see anything I'm doing or have done to be different and a better person.It has come to a point where she is always angry, everyday. Could be the wat I smile at her or explained how my day went.She has told me in a very agressive way 20 times in the last 3 weeks, that's she is done and when the time is right we will discuss with the kids. I'm sleeping in the spare room and only get spoken to if needed to uphold a sense of family around the kids.My wife has her own childhood trauma. She had a horrible upbringing. Her defence mechanism is to fight and retreat not resolve. I love her so much but she feels I hate her and I don't care. I'm lost. I have run out of mental strength to keep going. I have run out of ideas. I have been trying to show up and get her to see me for over 12 months. As soon as she allows herself to open up a little BANG I get hammered for something insignificant to restore the status quo. Thank you for listening and reading my post.

Guest_31975551 Suppression of POSITIVE Emotion
  • replies: 2

Hello, I'm wanting to talk with anyone who has/had parents who fail/failed to provide for their emotional well-being, which has resulted in the suppression of their positive emotions. An example.......sometimes I literally feel like dancing, but the ... View more

Hello, I'm wanting to talk with anyone who has/had parents who fail/failed to provide for their emotional well-being, which has resulted in the suppression of their positive emotions. An example.......sometimes I literally feel like dancing, but the combination of the fear of being laughed at, and being emotionally immature, and that it's easier to suppress it, makes it very hard to overcome. To be clear, I know the difference between depression, suppression, repression.......I'm NOT depressed, but I am suppressing. I have honestly not found anyone the same, it would be very helpful to know there IS someone else

Charsybee I Know I`m Not The Only One....
  • replies: 3

There`s a lot of parents out there in the same situation as me, so I`ve been told, many times over! I`m estranged from my adult son. And I don`t know why? I have tried to contact him, but I`m being blocked. He pulled away from us 4 and a half years a... View more

There`s a lot of parents out there in the same situation as me, so I`ve been told, many times over! I`m estranged from my adult son. And I don`t know why? I have tried to contact him, but I`m being blocked. He pulled away from us 4 and a half years ago. And I find that I seem to go though different periods in my life where I`m coping fine, and then I find my son is on my mind constantly. I become teary, and feel lost, not understanding what happened? What did I say? What did I do? I need to know so I don`t make the same mistakes. But he won`t communicate with me. I try to talk with family and friends about my feelings, and I feel they sympathize, but they don`t really want to talk about it. That, I`m over reacting, and should work on myself. This situation, I know there`s nothing that can be done. It just hurts so much. Just needed to get my thoughts out there, as I don`t feel like I have a voice. I only wish I knew what I did wrong??

Diamond_Dust Seeing escorts behind my back
  • replies: 3

I have recently discovered that my trusted partner of 10 years has been messaging escorts for the past 8 months. He tells me that he paid deposits but never went through with it and met in person. He has however, admitted to seeing a erotic masseuse ... View more

I have recently discovered that my trusted partner of 10 years has been messaging escorts for the past 8 months. He tells me that he paid deposits but never went through with it and met in person. He has however, admitted to seeing a erotic masseuse a few times but claims that he couldn’t get an erection so he just left. Do I believe him?…. No…..We have both decided that we want to work on our relationship and that there is too much to just walk away from. My question is, how can I ever trust him again and does anyone ever really move past this? Particularly given he travels to a major city for his work on a weekly basis, which is where these things took place.

moosad childless and struggling
  • replies: 2

Hi,My first time posting here. I am starting to struggle with my infertility issues and that I am about to have a hysterectomy due to endometriosis and adenomyosis.After trying for over 10 years to conceive and putting up with so much pain and surger... View more

Hi,My first time posting here. I am starting to struggle with my infertility issues and that I am about to have a hysterectomy due to endometriosis and adenomyosis.After trying for over 10 years to conceive and putting up with so much pain and surgery every 12-18 months, I have decided I have had enough and having a hysterectomy in November.My husband is very supportive, but I have so many thoughts going through my head thinking that I am a failure because as a woman, the only thing I have wanted most in this life, I cannot have.I have got a close support group of friends, but feel I cannot talk to them. When I do, I start crying and try to change the subject so I can hide the truth.I finally opened up to my husband last week about how I am feeling as I have been keeping it from him too. But it is all getting too much. I am lacking energy and starting to not want to go anywhere or do anything. I try and put on an 'I'm OK' face at work. I want to be more involved with our niece and nephew and show an interest in what they are doing, but I am starting to struggle with this as well, thinking that I will never get to experience these moments with my own child. I wold love to be able to adopt, but I just don't think I am in the right mind frame at this point in time to consider it.Sorry for waffling on, just thought it might help jotting it down.Thanks

Lil123 18+, girlfriend watching porn has caused me a sudden break down
  • replies: 2

I haven't really used this forum much, but I wasn't sure how else to get help anonymously with this. I realise after reading about other peoples experiences that this is a me problem. But I recently found out that when we aren't together, my girlfrie... View more

I haven't really used this forum much, but I wasn't sure how else to get help anonymously with this. I realise after reading about other peoples experiences that this is a me problem. But I recently found out that when we aren't together, my girlfriend (aged 20) watches porn. Something about this makes me super uncomfortable and anxious and I'm just not really sure why. I hate that I'm feeling this way because I want her to be able to do whatever she wants with out my input. I'm just having a lot of anxiety as I never want to imagine her getting off to someone else. It's probably a deep insecurity, I know, but if anyone has any tips on how I can get passed this feeling? When I found out I just burst into tears. It may be helpful to note that I do have trauma in this area, and this is likely blowing it way out of proportion, but the feeling of anxiety and discomfort won't go away every time I think about it, and even though it happened last night, I'm still feeling down from it even after I woke up the next morning. Please help if you can. It has been genuinely effecting me to the point where it's all I'm thinking about, and I dont understand how to stop it.

Victor Disowned by my family
  • replies: 1

Hi All, New to the forum and just wanted some advice. My family have disowned me due to my ex wife still wanting to attended family events. I’ve been separated for almost 5 years coming from a 20yr marriage, and in the last 12mths I’ve found the girl... View more

Hi All, New to the forum and just wanted some advice. My family have disowned me due to my ex wife still wanting to attended family events. I’ve been separated for almost 5 years coming from a 20yr marriage, and in the last 12mths I’ve found the girl that makes me so happy. We feel awkward and uncomfortable with my ex wife attending events and we have expressed our concerns to the family but they just will not accept our concerns or feelings. Losing my family to my ex wife has impacted my life and my current relationship with my partner and I really don’t know what else I should do. The fights and tension between my family has forced us to move away from my children and it’s been tough to accept the situation my ex wife has put me in. They don’t want to discuss the situation without making me feel like it’s normal for my ex wife to continue to be part of my family. I’ve never stopped my ex wife from seeing my family due to our 2 kids together but I’ve asked my ex wife to respect my current partner and allow her to build a strong relationship with my family. Am I wrong in wanting this?? Thank you.