Supporting Sister

OdysMum27 · ‎01-12-2024

My BIL has done something stupid and been arrested, not yet sentenced. I desperately want to support my sister and her children through this, however I am aware of my limitations due to my history of depression and anxiety. I don't want to make things worse for our family by having a major depressive episode, I am also trying to work through my feelings and reactions to this. Any suggestions on how I can be supportive would be greatly appreciated.

white knight · ‎02-12-2024

Hi welcome

As kind humans with a mental health issue we tend to want to fix the world when really there is a number of reason why we should draw a definitive line.

There are counsellors that have the qualifications to tackle any concerns, so what can we do to help?

Support from you to your sister can come in many ways -

Listen, talk less and ask questions
Reassure her that prison, although not a comfortable place is a matter of routine and time as a punishment.
Advise that she can make plans for his release that could help to prevent him from going back to jail like changing towns, if drugs are involved to seek help there and employment- seeking opportunities

I worked as a warder 46 years ago. Most inmates stay out of trouble and do time easily so worrying about him is fruitless. However 70% return to jail so that should be her focus- his release.

I wish you the best, finding that definitive line not to cross isn't easy but to be seen as not interfering is the goal and I think you'll succeed. You're a loving sibling so your efforts are applauded.

I hope I've helped

TonyWK

OdysMum27 · ‎03-12-2024

Thanks for the reply Tony,

He's been accused of certain things that if proved accurate will make his time in jail much harder, he had admitted to some of the things he's been accused of but not all. My sister really doesn't know what to do regarding their relationship, one of our other sisters is quite vocal about her opinions, however as they have children together it's not as straightforward. I want to support her decision whatever it maybe but I cannot go back to how it was. It's all so recent, he was arrested early Nov, it feels like there's so much to do but in reality much of what needs to be done has been, we are just waiting for his hearing and trial. We are all grieving the loss of this relationship and trying to work out how to move forward, especially with the children, they are under 8, it's so hard to know how to approach the subject with them, they know he's gone away but not why. Apart from grief there's also anger and confusion about what he's done. My sister is broken hearted and I want to help, but I know I can't, it's so hard to watch, I honestly want this to be all over.

white knight · ‎04-12-2024

OK, I think it's clearer now. I'm thinking the charges are inappropriate behaviour with children. If not I apologise.

If true then if found guilty your sister has the right to carry out any changes to her life she wants. But this is about you.

I suggest you start to relieve yourself of responsibility to the heights you've found yourself in.

Supporting your sister is admirable but when such support reaches a point where your worry is affecting your health self survival is your new focus.

This means informing your sister to get professional help starting with her GP. In addition she should understand that you are too emotionally involved to maintain the intensity of the situation. So a drop of involvement is needed.

Also have a chat with your GP. It's worth the effort

TonyWK

OdysMum27

I've already hooked back up with my psychologist, we've all encouraged my sister to find someone to talk to, I'm not sure if she has, I don't want to push, one of the hardest things it the waiting, everything feels likes its in limbo until after the hearing, which isn't until next year. My personality is to fix things, and I can't fix this so I feel sort of helpless, I know I'm doing everything I can, but I just want to take my sisters pain away.

white knight

You have heaps of empathy and although that is always appreciated or should be, it can lead to health issues. My therapist 35 years ago said "when are you going to stop saving the world Tony"? So self protection is essential and you could mention this to your sister too in a tactful manner.

Sometimes the best help you can give is forced distraction, take her window shopping then lunch. When she brings up the topic of her son talk about it for 10 minutes then change the subject. Reason is- as a experienced person in law enforcement and law you'll find delay after delay, all tensions rise before the court date then its adjourned. So, a measured level of assistance and make sure you have your time set aside for your own mental health relaxation a massage, a trip to the beach.

However, frankly I dont know how I'd react if I was the father of a child that committed similar crimes. It's the one thing that would grind my love down and flow fully against my principles. Trust would become an issue big time- forever. So I have sympathy for your sister and make no mistake, you and your sister, her husband and all concerned have a difficult path to walk. Have you considered professional therapy for her? It could take some weight off you and would be something she could share with you too

TonyWK

OdysMum27

He's hearings been delayed. I'm angry and frustrated and sad. I feel like I'm breaking down, I'm currently at work and I want to scream. Honestly I'm feeling so overwhelmed that I want to hurt myself, at least then I have a reason to be crying. Physical pain helps my brain cope with my mental pain. It's been so long since I felt this way. Damn him, bloody stupid men. Why??? Why are people stupid.

white knight

A therapist told me once in 1988..."Tony, when you have intrusive thoughts, ask yourself... am I being realistic".

In your case you have immersed yourself so much into this you are beginning to suffer pain, that is an unrealistic level of attachment.

I sincerely hope you visit your GP to get the level of help you need.

TonyWK

white knight

Just checking up on you. How are you?. Post anytime

TonyWK

OdysMum27

Slightly better, I was exhausted and unwell and having an incredibly rough night at work one of my patients passed. On top of everything else, the fact that this issue is dragging on definitely didn't help. Until he's charged everything feels in limbo. As much as I occasionally feel the urge to self harm, I ensure that I don't have access to things that I can use, I also ensure that I'm surrounded by people so I have support. In retrospect I probably should have waited a day or two until I was feeling less emotional over the whole thing.