In deep pain because of betrayal trauma of husband sex addiction

[Painfullife]

Hi, I am in deep pain to an extent that I have depression and I get nightmares.

15 Nov 2021 is the date I will never forget in my life . This is the day when I discovered my husband addiction to strip club, escorts, prostitution and drugs. Married for almost 17 years now I always thought that we had a strong marriage. 

I started feeling something off from April 2021 where my husband used to have mood swings , always coming home late from work , going to office work yours during Covid 19.

finally on 15 Nov 2021. He confessed that he is going yo strip club 3-4 times a week and sleeping with prostitutes. He said first time he went , he thought he will grab a drink and sit there for 1 hour and heave but it ended up in hiring an escort and having sex. He said he couldn’t handle what he did but still went back next day to hire same escort and ended up using drugs and from there the cycle continued.

my husband also said that he tried stopping this cycle but he couldn’t and he ended up spending 220,000$ in 6 months.

i am completely devastated. I felt so foolish that u never bother to even check bank accounts as I trusted him so much.

in 2012 he suggested we should combine our super in to self manage super and he wants to invest in shares himself. He is trying hard to learn share marked from last 22 years with no success and has even lost 100,000$ in shares before we met when he was around 25 years old. 

anyways I was shocked yo find that he has wiped off all our superannuation of last 16 years by investing in wrong shares that he never updated me.

I am completely lost as I always thought he is a honest guy. He is looking after my elderly mother very well.

Dr has diagnosed him with major depressive disorder, PTSD, OCD, maniac state (for his 6 months of sex addiction, drug addiction, reckless behaviour) where he acted completely opposite to his usual behaviour.

his older brother has schizophrenia and older duster has severe depression. 

he also confessed that from last 10 years he started feeling very stressed for his work and developed the habit of watching porn every day.

he is on antidepressants, doing recovery work, quit drugs but still has mood swings here and there.

i am still lost and depressed.

sorry for writing such a long message. Please help

Regards

Rose

[white knight]

Hi, welcome Rose

That revelation must have hurt then to find he hasn't stopped. 

We champions here have vast lived experience plus we have mental illnesses

Having mental illness is not a "get out of jail free card" meaning it can't be used as an excuse for some behaviours (eg holding secrets and violating the marriage) nor can it be a reason for their partner to ignore their own values.

So in this case  sex addiction or spending sprees might well be part of his illnesses however you have rights like wanting to prepare for your retirement or wanting a monogamous marriage. At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself "are you prepared to accept the worst cast scenario "? That being more of the same? 

Your options are few but separation with the view to divorce is one. Can you imagine a new life.? What I can say is that I've had 4 long term relationships  of years- 7,11,10 and current of 14 years and happy. Each time the previous 3 folded I grieved heavily particularly the 11 years one with 2 young kids, my 1st marriage. But post separation I kept distracted by building my own house and looked forward. An old man said "never look back"!. After some time I hadn't regretted my decisions.

I have no more to offer. I can't even offer counselling as a means to offering hope, sorry, if I am to offer to help it would be to suggest being realistic of the secrets, the addictions that butt heads with your values and that you deserve so much better. 

Reply anytime.

TonyWK 

[Painfullife]

Hi Tony,

I am very grateful for your honest reply and advise.

thank you for sharing what you have gone through and it’s definitely a strength for me.

i thought about separation and divorce but hold back because of two reasons. First he looks after my mum very well in her old age and she adores him as a son. She will be devastated if I share the truth with her.

Second my husband has remorse and actively working on his recovery doing 12 steps , seeing drs etc and from last 1.5 years has no relapse (but ofcourse who knows)

he has repentance but I also know that relapse is always possible .

this is my first relationship and marriage so I am devastated and also feel that I cannot trust me ever the way I was trusting him before.

I have to accept that if I take this whole episode out of the picture he has always supported me in every area of my life including my fertility journey. Lots of IVF cycles with no success.

so I feel unfair and unethical to leave him alone during his mental health challenges.

i am lost.

[white knight]

And therein lies your dilemma. Commitment,  honour, care, forgiveness in the light of your husband violating your marriage.  How wonderful that you possess such qualities. 

Your last post has provided you with the answer- that you will remain devoted to him and your marriage,  so that leads to one course of remedy to this whole saga.

"For us to remain wholly committed to our marriage we must accept,  works and all, our partners faults, because they are but human"

You are rightly devastated but he's still there!. As you will not leave, isn't it time you ceased the dream of the fairytale marriage?

An old relative of mine had a chronic gambler as a partner. She herself was wheelchair bound. When he'd say he'll do shopping and go alone and say he won't take her "too much trouble loading the wheelchair " she knew he would visit the TAB. "Tony, I'd rather lose money and still have him in my life".

Simple answer. So your challenge is established,  to find acceptance for his past choices, whether they return or not and most importantly... continue to forgive and continue to admire. Not easy but achievable. 

Marriage is a compromise,  sometimes it's much more

TonyWK 

[Painfullife]

Hi Tony,

thank you for your reply and I am sorry to hear what your relative has gone through.

addiction is an awful mental health issue and very hard to overcome betrayal trauma.

i agree that if I continue my marriage with my current husband, the sane level of trust and respect can never be achieved.

no decision is easy and God’s will God’s timing..