Relationship and family issues

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Dr_Kim Understanding feelings of rejection. 
  • replies: 38

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like los... View more

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up. Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples. 1. “I’m not good enough” This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more! 2. "Nobody will ever love me”. This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us. 3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?” Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes. In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language: it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down.

Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

All discussions

alina_01 I’m having a really hard time-
  • replies: 4

I bet half of you couldn’t care less, but my parents are really strict on studying. I’m still in year 7, but the moment I come back from school, I spend the time up until dinner studying, trying to get better. My parents say that they won’t scold me ... View more

I bet half of you couldn’t care less, but my parents are really strict on studying. I’m still in year 7, but the moment I come back from school, I spend the time up until dinner studying, trying to get better. My parents say that they won’t scold me for trying my hardest, but deep inside I think they want me to be more like my sister, smart, pretty and amazing. I started off in a low math class at the start of this year, and aimed to move up. There’s this boy in my class who is really popular, he used to be in my math class. I’d admit I had the tiniest crush on him, but I dumped the idea the moment he started picking on me. “You suck at math,” “Bruh, your handwriting is so bad, how do you even write stories?,” “You’ll never move up” and I lost so much hope, that I actually gave up. In the end, I failed my semester test, and ended up with a score of 81% and I couldn’t get a better score than him, so he was moved up instead of me. My parents didn’t show their disappointment, but I knew that they were. My sister started off as a smart kid, and I just started off dumb. I doubt I would ever move up, but I still kept trying. Every time I make a mistake I feel so dead. I don’t think I should even work this hard to get nothing. but if I don’t, my parents will be even more disappointed. They always look at my sister as an amazing person, and I’m just no one. They don’t treat me the way she gets treated. Not only am I not allowed social media and games, they think that every time I get a bad score is because I’m going behind their back and going on social media and playing games. They think that something is going on at school and keep asking me if any boys are embarrassing me. I just say it’s ok, but it never is. I can’t tell my parents this because if I do they would make me transfer schools, and I don’t want to. I just wanted a normal life, no drama. But because of that kid, I have to suck it all up and pretend he doesn’t exist. But he’s going to be in my class for a while, and with my friend crushing on him and asking me to observe him for her, and me trying to avoid him…. I don’t know how this is gonna turn out.

sparrowhawk Accepting a lost friendship
  • replies: 3

Almost four months ago I left a community where I'd been living for seven years and returned home to live with my family. I'd been really unwell for some time and realised the lifestyle was not helping me to recover. Since that time I've made progres... View more

Almost four months ago I left a community where I'd been living for seven years and returned home to live with my family. I'd been really unwell for some time and realised the lifestyle was not helping me to recover. Since that time I've made progress, found some work, reconnected with friends, and rebuilt relationships with my family - I'd had limited contact with them in that time. I was very close to one member of the community, she was like a mother, support, and friend all rolled into one. In hindsight, I was probably too close to her. One of the hardest things about leaving was realising that I wouldn't have the same relationship with her going forward, and that did make me sad -- yet I (perhaps foolishly) hoped we would continue to stay in touch. She took my leaving very hard. She hurt me quite deeply in the leadup towards my leaving, saying that it was harder for everyone else than for me, and that she was angry with me that I'd made the decision to go. She really made the last few days of my time there miserable, which was all very surprising as it seemed to me to be very out of character. Even my mum noticed a difference in her when she came to pick me up on the final day. When I've had brief (written) contact with her since I left, it's always been very superficial and she's made barbed comments about the consequences of my decisions having impacted others (again reinforcing for me that "harder for me than for you" thinking), before closing off with "I wish you all the best". I connected recently with a friend who happened to work under this person and since left her job. She shared a very similar experience of passive-aggressiveness, hurtful language and petulance when she left her role, which made me feel that perhaps it wasn't just me. It's just now hitting me that I might well never see her again, and while a big part of me really doesn't want to open old wounds, I am sad at the loss of a friendship that meant so much to me, and of a relationship in which I felt safe, respected and valued. Part of me wants to hold on to a connection with her, which is probably why I've reached out to her at times -- but I'm realising more and more I'll probably need to accept she doesn't want anything to do with me. It's probably for the best, but it's seriously heartbreaking.

Vvp im having a really hard time
  • replies: 2

This is my first time on this forum and I don’t really like to share but I feel so lonely and helpless. I am a single mum and I'm blessed to have children but I'm living in a toxic household because my choice to continue living on my own was ripped a... View more

This is my first time on this forum and I don’t really like to share but I feel so lonely and helpless. I am a single mum and I'm blessed to have children but I'm living in a toxic household because my choice to continue living on my own was ripped away from me from my mother as soon as she found out I was pregnant she canceled my lease without my knowledge to force me to move in with her so here I am and I have been living here for 10mths now and the way she treats me mentally its unbearable and I feel my pain is overwhelming my strength, we are always colliding and arguing and she is so controlling to the point that everyone around me is believing her and her story and they are not listening to my side of the story because they think that I’m the bad guy I have no support so I’m constantly defending myself and my children.I was hoping to start a family and live a happy life with the farther of my children we were together for 6years but as soon as he found out I was pregnant he bailed. I have been applying for rentals but I constantly receive rejection mail. I don’t have friends so I can’t crash at their house for a night or 2 just so my children and I can have a break from all the negativity that surrounds us. Every possible detour that I hope is a solution for my children and I we ends up at a dead end.

jenijenjen This Forum helps
  • replies: 5

I joined this forum because I've been feeling so depressed and lonely. And after a couple of days I feel so much better. Not just from reaching out and getting wonderful advice, but also being able to use my experiences to help others. So thank you e... View more

I joined this forum because I've been feeling so depressed and lonely. And after a couple of days I feel so much better. Not just from reaching out and getting wonderful advice, but also being able to use my experiences to help others. So thank you everyone

CloudNine Coercive controlling partner. Wanting out
  • replies: 10

I have been deliberating for a number of months about writing a post on here and I’ve gotten to the stage in my relationship that I’m not sure what I’m going to do. Cutting a long-story short, I’ve been with my partner for 6 years now and I’ve been w... View more

I have been deliberating for a number of months about writing a post on here and I’ve gotten to the stage in my relationship that I’m not sure what I’m going to do. Cutting a long-story short, I’ve been with my partner for 6 years now and I’ve been wanting to leave for 3. The problem is, I constantly feel trapped and fearful of my partner because she is emotionally abusive. I know she is and I know what she is doing, yet I just can’t seem to get out. I’m naturally a very passive ‘go with the flow’ type of guy whereas she is very assertive, and I think it has created an unhealthy balance of power within the relationship that’s just festered for years. I don’t deal well with conflict, going silent in arguments and giving unhelpful “I don’t know what to say” responses. I know that’s a big issue and I want to and need to work on that, but it’s difficult when my partner sits on a hair trigger to go from 0 to 100 aggression, which is further exacerbated by her poorly managed anxiety. There’s a lot of other things that come in such as her codependence, not having any friends or social supports and because of that I’m her only friend and have to do everything with her.. and even then I get made to feel guilty if I want to do something that doesn’t involve her. It’s gotten to the stage where she manipulates me through my fear of her anger and all the guilt she piles up on me for how she feels, for her mood swings, her body image, her self-esteem, her lack of friends.. the list goes on. It’s always my fault and I’m constantly apologizing for everything to try smooth things over- did I mention I don’t like conflict? I don’t even bother arguing any more because I’m never right and she twists my words and makes me admit I’m wrong and I’m sorry for what I’ve done to her. It’s gotten to the stage where she’s pushing me to buy a house and I’m terrified of being stuck with that commitment over my head. I know there’s going to be a big argument later this week / this weekend. I guess I just need some advice on how I can end this.. I've tried relationship counselling twice- failed. I’ve tried writing letters, I’ve tried literally packing a bag and leaving but her phone calls and messages manipulate me into always coming back… I’ve tried turning off my phone but the guilt always gets the better of me. I’m just trapped in a never ending cycle of control, guilt, fear and absolute misery. Any suggestions or would be much appreciated.

AS101979 My life partner has been cheating on me by visiting brothels and private sex workers
  • replies: 11

Hi I have been with my husband for 23 years, all of my adult life. We've been married for 13 of those years. We have always been a great couple, we love all the same things, and we had built a great life with each other and our young sons, age 5 and ... View more

Hi I have been with my husband for 23 years, all of my adult life. We've been married for 13 of those years. We have always been a great couple, we love all the same things, and we had built a great life with each other and our young sons, age 5 and 9. My entire world turned inside out and upside down 3 days ago. I found out that on the day he had off from work he visited a sex worker in the city. He told me he was getting a hair cut and was looking around for a bit before picking our car up at the service centre. While he was arranging to meet her, at her apartment, collecting the keys to go in, he was texting me at the same time with just general chit chat. I am floored, gutted, unable to understand why and how he could go through with it. Its not his first time. He has admitted to doing it 5/6 times, over the last 18 months. He understands now that it was wrong, but when he was first caught out, in all of the discussions following, he didnt actually say sorry and he just kept telling me he didnt actually have sex with any of them, just other stuff. As though that made all the difference. Hes a great dad, Ive loved him for as long as i can remember and i cannot cope with the thought of a life without him, but I beleive this is the end for us. He has left the family home, and I am still talking to him to try and piece all of this together. This month it was twice, one week after the other. It was starting to become more frequent when Ive discovered it. The last time, a few days ago, he was very relaxed and happy at home that night, with us, and the kids. More happy than usual, talkative, having fun with the kids. Its all hard, some things more than others. The betrayal and the lies, and the fact it went on for so long is hard for me to accept. He wants to try counseling, but i dont know if it is worth my time. I don't think this is someone that will change and that deserves his family now. But it is very hard after 23 years to give up on the future, on my childrens future with their dad. Of course i would never stop their relationship with him, but they are already grieving the things they know will never be the same without him here like he used to be. Its very difficult to see them suffering. Any advice anyone has would be helpful.

Junoav How to carry on with a Narcissistic wife?
  • replies: 9

I didn't understand the term at first but i think she has always been a narcissistic. At every workplace, there's always another 'conspiracy' to force her out; every boss is bad and corrupted; therefore she's never been able to stay in any place for ... View more

I didn't understand the term at first but i think she has always been a narcissistic. At every workplace, there's always another 'conspiracy' to force her out; every boss is bad and corrupted; therefore she's never been able to stay in any place for more than 2 years or so. Around 3 to 4 years ago, in order to reduce such 'stress' for her, I've got her to work as a carer, as there's less interactions with adults, and she loves to care for kids. Since Covid-19 happened, work is drastically reduced. Probably that impacted her mentally somewhat, but these days she's reluctant to take on new work even when she's available. She will say that she's tired for rejecting those jobs. Since there's no work, and there's no one to penalise fault with, it sort of defaulted to me. I'm her new enemy now. Daily life felt like skirting around broken glasses to avoid altercation. Around this time, she starts to devolved. Anything related to our home-country, or people, is strictly a non-topic starter. She starts avoiding friends (we don't have many since they are already hard to come by with her attitude making such relations always awkward). So around 4 months ago or so, there aren't anymore bedroom activities (i also got mentally scarred when she rejected me by screaming and telling me "I'm not her husband") I have been sleeping in the garage since. We have been together 20 years in total - 16 yrs married - but now I don't know how to live with her anymore. I can't divorce her since she's not working, it will be tough for her, her family are in back in her home-country, there's no one really to care for her then. Out of the 4 members in our family, only 1 of my kid, and myself are Australians now. I cannot leave her uncared for, my young kids also don't want us to divorce, but here i am, a 40 yr old, crying every weekend for multiple weeks to months now. I felt so lonely inside, i want to tell my parents/friends, but I don't dare/want to burden them only when i am sad. I feel sick to the stomach at times. I gave up my life in my country and citizenship because of her need to get away from her home-country. I have no friends here because i can't maintain any relationship without her stomping all over it. I have no other family members here other than my kids and her. I really feel so sick and tired after another quarrel. Sorry I just need an place to vent my sorrows.

TheHumanSeed 28 TG:F - Isolated and have no social connections
  • replies: 4

So to make a long story short, Im a 28yro transgender female with autism, and i dont have any friends acquaintances or familial connections. I was abused quite badly as a child by my step father, who used to physically assault me daily.. It got so ba... View more

So to make a long story short, Im a 28yro transgender female with autism, and i dont have any friends acquaintances or familial connections. I was abused quite badly as a child by my step father, who used to physically assault me daily.. It got so bad that i tried to end my life at 11yro, then by 14yro i had premeditated a plan to live on the streets it got so bad. The thing that made it worse is that my mother practically emotionally neglected me and ignored this abuse until he hit her (which we moved away from him afterwards). I was later kicked out of home after altercations occured between myself and my brother.and ended up living with my grandparents until the end of year 12. As a result of all this, i feel that i am not really equipped to make friends or connect with people like others seem to be able to do normally. I somehoelw managed to make a small group of friends at university, being fool, but they fell off the planet after I transitioned. I also had a few relationships but they fell through within 8 months, due to issues with my GD and emotional baggage. The thing is I feel like no matter how hard I try to interact with other people to make friends, they just seem to want to back off. Its not like im going all BPD on them and getting in their faces or being overly intense, they just seem to not be interested at all. Same when it comes to the dating scene, before transition id get like a match a month, but now it seems like i get nothing at all. I honestly dont know what to do anymore, im tired of having to be so proactive to create some kind of relationship with someone all the time. I feel utterly isolated and alone. I have no one but my university councillor to connect with at an emotional level, I just feel that im worthless and that no one wants to take the time to know me. Im tired of having to cry into a pillow and play the part of my own therapist because theres no one else on the planet who can just give me a hug and tell me everythings going to be alright. My resilience is usually quite high and i used to be able to emotionally blunt myself, but i cant do that anymore. Resilience seems to be the only thing left that im running off and i feel its starting to rub thin. Im not sure what else i can do.

Jester3 Bpd and starting relationships
  • replies: 1

hi there<3i have been sort of diagnosed with BPD for almost a year. I'm under 18 so I've been told i cant properly get diagnosed yet, but my doctors and therapist are confident I have it because it's pretty obvious. now that i know more about BPD im ... View more

hi there<3i have been sort of diagnosed with BPD for almost a year. I'm under 18 so I've been told i cant properly get diagnosed yet, but my doctors and therapist are confident I have it because it's pretty obvious. now that i know more about BPD im alot more aware of my actions, which is good and bad. an example of it being bad is how i dont know whether my anger towards someone is justified or not, making it harder for me to confront people when im upset because i feel as though im crazy or overreacting. my biggest issue though involves relationships. i have never had a significant other and really struggle with dating. whenever i begin dating someone, whether or not i genuinely like them or not, as soon as we start dating its like my body shuts down. i feel emotionally disconnected from the person. i could literally be in love with the person but as soon as i kiss them, date them or do anything remotely romantic with them i switch off. it is so genuinely frustrating, i dont know how to stop. recently, i went on a date with a girl. i did like her before we went on the date and began being closer. but after the date i feel emotionally disconnected again. like i dont feel the romantic or physical attraction i once had. i no longer want to date, i dont want to talk to them and i just want to be by myself. i dont think im aromatic or anything because i do want to date someone but the switch from liking someone to completely shutting down as soon as things advance is so annoying. sometimes when this happens i have to break things off with the other person, but as more time passes i find myself regretting it and wanting them back. i dont understand why im like this and i hate that i hurt people when i do it. i dont even know if its my BPD or because i hate being vulnerable or something else entirely, but if what i wrote makes any sense i would love to know what is wrong with me and how i can fix it.

Bestha Bestha
  • replies: 1

Hi I am feeling very lonely these days even I am with my husband and I feel like something missing. I don't know how to make myself happy and nobody is trying to understand me.When I express my feelings to others they were like nothing has happened t... View more

Hi I am feeling very lonely these days even I am with my husband and I feel like something missing. I don't know how to make myself happy and nobody is trying to understand me.When I express my feelings to others they were like nothing has happened to you, you’re perfectly fine and you are just overthinking it.I stopped telling my feelings to others.I have difficulty in making friends and I don't know where to find them.I feel like I may die of loneliness and sadness one day. I loosing hopes in my life and I am not able to imagine my future. All I want right now is to be understood, to be loved, to be supported, to be able to enjoy my life, to be happy Could you please suggest me