19 year old son has gone no contact

B3108

Here’s a shortened version of your story while keeping the context intact:

I married an abusive narcissist, my son's father. We separated when my son was 2.5 years old. I’ve always been his primary carer, and he’s always been afraid of his father. When my son was 3.5, I met a wonderful man who was great with him. My son has no memory of his father and me together.

His father had court-ordered visitation every other weekend and a weekday visit. Their relationship was difficult from the start. My son always resisted going, returning angry and withdrawn. It felt like torture sending him, but I had no choice. As he got older, he made excuses to avoid visits. At 15, he finally refused to go, standing firm against his father’s manipulation.

Though things improved, my son had always shown anger, becoming darker and moodier with puberty. I sought help, but he dismissed therapists. By Year 11, my relationship with his stepdad fell apart, and my son’s attitude worsened. We separated, which affected him, but his struggles had started earlier. I tried talking to him about school, friends, and sport, but got no answers.

After our move, he seemed indifferent. Then, suddenly, he began spending more time with his father, and his attitude toward me became toxic and verbally abusive. I assumed it was a mix of factors, including his father’s influence.

He joined the Navy in March last year. I was incredibly proud! At his enlistment, he gave his certificate to his father—not me. We kept in touch regularly. In October, he asked me to call every Friday at 5 PM, which I happily did.

At Christmas, he stayed with me for four weeks, avoiding his father. But in his final week home, his mood darkened. After a small argument, I sat him down, explaining how his behavior affected me and that I wanted him to take responsibility. He became defensive, but we hugged, and it seemed resolved.

He drove from NSW to Victoria, taking his father for company. I asked him to check in when he arrived. He replied, "If I remember." When I called, he rejected it, later messaging that he was busy. The next day, I asked why he was treating me this way. He called when he returned to base, and we spoke normally. But when I asked why he was being rude, he said he thought our relationship was toxic and wanted to go no contact.

I was devastated but told him I’d respect his decision. It’s been 5–6 weeks without contact. I won’t reach out—I promised to honor his wishes.

white knight

Hi, welcome

I'm very sad to hear about your dilemma. See, I had my youngest daughter at 14yo say "I dont want to see you anymore". Devastating especially if you've been a dedicated part time parent as I was.

So, of course, a few things are unknown in your situation as was mine-

You dont know what is being said without your presence
There could be built up resentment some of which doesnt involve his father
His genetics could have resulted in his personality developing in line with some of his fathers character and that could be why they are getting close.

You've put more time into your son than his father and step father. One would expect that you would be "parent number one" in your sons eyes. Unfortunately all that effort and time is not any insurance for that result. To look upon his relationship now with his father is very close, so close he gave his enlistment certificate to him. I would put a different tack on those types of "rewards"... I'd look at it that I'm grateful he has found love in his dad which is putting your sons needs as priority. If your son is manipulated etc then thats now for him to work out as an adult.

Back to you and him. IMO the most important thing for you is to build up your social life. This is distraction and that is important for you. The heart aches will always be there but building a lifestyle that has a full calendar will help enormously, it did for me. Caravanning, tinkering, this forum all filled in the gaps when I could have been sitting in a chair upset.

I also was a defence service member 52 years ago!! I joined the RAAF at17yo. Eventually his sailor mates will talk about their mums, how they snet flowers on mothers day or how they praise their mum. One day he'll contact- guaranteed. It happened to me my youngest walked up my driveway at 20yo. I'd give it a year or so and you might want to consider having a confidential talk on the phone to his commander. Although they wont interfere they could influence him. Unfortunately my youngest visited only to mistreat me and this was ongoing till she was 26yo when I drew the line. It's sad but narcissistic people (her mother was also) play you like a fiddle until you break. I do have a wonderful close relationship with my eldest daughter and I'm happy.

So I wish you well and get that distraction going. Reply anytime

HEART WILL MEET THE FLOOR

Nobody can replace their warmth as your boys mum

Sometimes children need to realise their woes have just begun

But our adult kids sometimes just need some space in a dorm

You wont be replaced by a ship and a white uniform

So seek out close friends and those that listen

Those pals that when you talk their eyes glisten

And one day a moment will arrive you wont ignore

He'll ring the bell and your heart will meet the floor

Never forget your hugs aren't just anywhere

Each step you take he carries them everywhere

And although you'd like to seek and to meet

He takes you wherever he marches his feet...

TonyWK

B3108

Oh wow. Your reply has made my day. Thank you. It's always good to know you're not alone and that others have dealt with similar before. I am concentrating on me. For the first time in my life. It's good.

Thank you for encouraging heartfelt words. I appreciate it more than I can say