Supporting a partner with depression

[SK76]

Hi, My partner has been diagnosed with Clinical Depression since a few years ago. He has come out of it a few times and been in a state of heightened friendliness and cheer and then back to depression - this has happened a few times. A few months ago he was able to come out of his depression, which I am really pleased about, but he has become super-friendly and has made a lot of online friends (he's normally an introvert). While I am happy about his changed mindset, I am also wary about his over-zealous attempts at making new friends. He is extremely nice to everyone except me and we have been getting into a lot of arguments. While I understand that I need to be supportive and there for him, I feel like I have reached a point where I cannot cope anymore. I am trying to get him to see the issues in better light, but he attributes all the disagreements to me and takes no responsibility for his part in the problems. His sister has been recently diagnosed with a life-threatening illness and this has caused additional problems. It feels like he's constantly angry with me and I am just not able to cope anymore. What should I do and where do I go for help? I am trying to get counselling through work, although I am not entirely sure how it would help. Just posting this rant out there in case anyone has some kind words for me... Thanks in advance!

[therising]

Hi SK76

It sounds like you are a supportive and grounding presence in your partner's life. While I've found life can be lived from 3 places, 1)on a high, 2)grounded or 3)under ground (in a depression), a person who acts as a grounding presence can play a very important role. If we're too high or too low to the point of self destruction in either case, someone who is grounding in our life can bring us back to where we need to be on occasion, in order to see life from a certain perspective.

I'm wondering whether there is some resentment from your partner in regard to what he may feel as 'you taking him out of his high', especially if that high serves him in not feeling upset over his sister's diagnosis. Kind of like 'Just let me be high! Why do you have to stop me from feeling this?'. If there's a good reason for why he shouldn't get 'high' with these new friends (regarding natural highs and not in a drug sense), being more grounded will be very important. Some reasons may include these friends behaving in dangerous high risk ways, them being deceptive and manipulative towards your partner so as to gain something from him, being an influence in drinking or drug taking etc etc. On the other hand, could they be genuinely good people who act as fuel for the soul and he loves feeling what feels soulful?

Based on my own experience with life's highs and lows (the ins and outs of depression), I used to believe 'happy' or 'high' was the right way to be. As a 54yo gal, I can say it took me decades to finally come to realise that the lows can be a natural part of life. If we feel and work our way through them, we can come to raise our self to greater levels of self understanding. In other words, it's how we come to graduate again and again through life, to higher and higher levels of consciousness. Wondering whether you're the person in your partner's life who tries to lead him to see what he needs to face and graduate through, by shedding light on those things.

There can be a number of reasons for not wanting to face what can feel depressing. To name a couple

• The high can be indescribable. From feeling nothing to feeling so much emotion that you feel like you could explode with energy and pure joy, you don't want to lose that addictive feeling. Natural dopamine can be incredibly energising and highly addictive
• There can be the genuine fear that if you go into the next depression, you'll never come out of it. So it's kinda like you'll do just about anything to not face the next depression (including exercising avoidance as a management strategy)

What those 2 things can look like...disconnecting from or fighting against anyone who threatens to bring you out of your high and avoiding anything that's going to lead you to face your fear.

Regarding a couple who can feel so deeply in so many ways, life can feel like a bit of a see-saw together. When one is high, the other can be low. Managing a sense of balance can be a huge challenge. It's so important that you find your balance, what you find to be emotionally stabilising. How to manage not being down when your partner is high can involve a lot of skill and support from people who can lead you to feel a sense of balance within yourself. A guidance counselor, someone who can guide you in many ways (including emotionally) may become one of your best guides. Follow your intuition in regard to finding such a guide. ❤️

[SK76]

Hi there,
Thank you so much for your reply. I appreciate you sharing your personal experiences in helping me understand the struggles better. I have found a therapist and I have had a couple of sessions which has helped me to become more objective to the situation (although it is always hard work as I keep getting emotional and then lose the objectivity). I am also looking for forums and online support to help me navigate the delicate situation I find myself in.

I do want to support my partner with his issues but I am close to 'burnout' myself, so I need to set boundaries to try and look after myself so I can be there for him.
Your reply has been really helpful. Thank you again so much for reaching out... It makes me feel less 'alone'...

❤️

[therising]

Hi SK76

I'm so glad to hear you're making progress in a number of ways (developing support for yourself, developing boundaries, developing objectivity etc). Self development can prove to be a liberating thing. A new phrase I've been trying to incorporate into my life, as I develop myself, is 'I'm in the practice of...'. The more something is practiced, the more ingrained it becomes. Definitely hard to begin a particular practice, such as trying to be more objective.

It's only in the last year or so that I've learned to become more objective. I love it, as it can offer so much relief from feeling all the time. I've found it can be hard to gauge at times whether I'm being too objective or too emotionally detached. I smile when I say I've asked my grown kids before 'I'm I being too emotionally detached when it comes to your father?'😁. Their response, more often than not, is 'No, I can completely understand your reasons'. Perfecting a sense of objectivity can be a challenge and I've found intuition to be helpful. When intuition insists 'You're becoming too emotionally impacted, you need to step back a little' it pays to listen. I can argue with intuition all I want but in the end it's typically right. We can't necessarily feel our self becoming more depressed, more stressed or more exhausted, which is why there can be a need to rely on that really helpful part of us. 

Self development is quite the rabbit hole experience. You can find yourself going down that rabbit hole in the search for a greater sense of objectivity and suddenly find yourself meeting with the need to develop intuition. While thinking 'How the heck do the two possibly relate?' there can be the sudden revelation 'Ahh, intuition can help me gain a greater sense of objectivity and objectivity can help me tap into my intuitive side more easily'. I've found they tend to work together. I've found intuition to also be the voice of reason. If I was to ask the intuitive part of me 'Why am I such a people pleaser, to the point where it can bring me down at times?', the response/reason 'Because it's the habit of a lifetime'. Some habits can be hard to break but not impossible 😊