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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Anzacspirit Infidelity and forgiveness
  • replies: 8

Hi, I have been married for 17 years and two months ago cheated on my wife. My wife knows about it she has actually been amazing about it all. We are still together and are closer now than ever before. She has forgiven me for what I did however I am ... View more

Hi, I have been married for 17 years and two months ago cheated on my wife. My wife knows about it she has actually been amazing about it all. We are still together and are closer now than ever before. She has forgiven me for what I did however I am struggling to forgive myself. Every post on dealing with moving on says you must forgive yourself but I’m finding it so hard. I hate what I’ve done, I keep looking back thinking why did I do this when everything I ever wanted was already there with me. How can my wife forgive me but I can’t. My psychologist seems to think I’m dealing with it ok but I’m constantly thinking about what I did and it stirs up so much emotion. I have cut all ties with the person I cheated with, my wife and I are so close now it’s unbelievably great but I’m still in pain internally for what I did. How do I move on from doing such a stupid thing?

Mels1e Disloyal husband
  • replies: 1

I recently found out my husband had organised to meet up with someone and pay them for sex. He was also on tinder even though we’ve been together for 15 years and married for 7. He claims he didn’t go through with it but I’m so broken I don’t think I... View more

I recently found out my husband had organised to meet up with someone and pay them for sex. He was also on tinder even though we’ve been together for 15 years and married for 7. He claims he didn’t go through with it but I’m so broken I don’t think I believe him. Even if he didn’t the fact that he’s been sneaky like this behind my back is heartbreaking. I feel like the trust is broken, but I have nowhere to go. I keep things between us private from family and friends out of fear of judgment. I’m so lost I don’t know what to do.

spigalmo Marriage breakdown
  • replies: 4

I am 32F married to a 33F for 5.5years, together for 12. We share 2 young boys, 4 & 2. My own mental health has been spiralling for some time now, but this has come to a real head recently. My wife and I recently witnessed a traumatic event with two ... View more

I am 32F married to a 33F for 5.5years, together for 12. We share 2 young boys, 4 & 2. My own mental health has been spiralling for some time now, but this has come to a real head recently. My wife and I recently witnessed a traumatic event with two close friends of ours which brought to the surface a lot of triggers for both of us. Not to say that this event is the sole cause of our relationship breakdown, but it has certainly served as something of a catalyst over the past few weeks. My wife and I have quite different coping mechanisms - I typically prefer to talk things out (the pursuer) while she tends to withdraw and need space to process how she’s feeling (the distancer). I guess this all came to a head because I was feeling really unsupported and alone, and as a result was kind of pushing her to talk to me which was only serving to further make her need more space. On Tuesday, I had a friend message me (who knew how much I was struggling) to say that if I needed some space and to not come home from work straight away, that she could help my wife out with the kids that night so that I could have some time on my own to think and process how I’ve been feeling. I ended up messaging that friend just saying “just take care of them for me okay” - which in hindsight, I know that that message paired with my poor mental health would have read in the worst possible way. Cue an onslaught of messages and phone calls from friends, family, and colleagues. I think I had about 40 missed calls. I was truly spiralling and feeling really overwhelmed and suffocated. I know that I worried a lot of people, and that the barrage of calls and texts was purely out of concern for my safety. I did end up messaging my wife telling her where I was, and about 20 minutes later my sister and her husband arrived. I really wasn’t in a good space, and they took me to the hospital. I was assessed by a mental health nurse who deemed that yes I was definitely in a mental health crisis, but that I wasn’t an immediate threat to myself or anyone else. A referral was made to a mental health team, and I was allowed to leave. I spent the night at my sisters house. Since then, we’ve had a lot of really good discussions but she has indicated that she wants to spend some time apart to clear her head. For her, this looks like a 4-6 week “break”. I 100% support and respect that decision, as much as it hurts me. I just don’t really know where to go from here. Can I save my marriage?

newmum07 Husband cheated, new mum to 4 month old
  • replies: 3

Husband and I have been married for 5 years, we have a 4 month old daughter. I discovered 3 weeks ago that he has been unfaithful to me for the last 2 years and this has absolutely crushed me. It was one woman and he says they never actually had sex ... View more

Husband and I have been married for 5 years, we have a 4 month old daughter. I discovered 3 weeks ago that he has been unfaithful to me for the last 2 years and this has absolutely crushed me. It was one woman and he says they never actually had sex but they did “other stuff”. I never thought this would happen to me because he was cheated on in a past relationship, so he knows the pain. He is wanting to rebuild, we are talking more than ever, he is helping more around the house and with our daughter. He seems genuinely sorry and remorseful. He has been open to talking about everything, answering every question I have about her, even repeated questions. We are seeing a marriage counsellor and he is open to telling anyone I want to, no matter the cost for him. I’m looking for similar stories. I still have days where I’m absolutely shattered and other days I feel more hopeful for our future.I know I love him, he’s my best friend but I’m so broken and don’t know if I can ever trust him again. I know it would be potentially easier to leave him now as my daughter won’t know any better. I fear that he will do this again and cause worse pain when she is 5 or 10 years old.

Guest_82866275 stay in a relationship that has an expiration date?
  • replies: 1

So me (24,f) and my partner (26,m) have been together for 4 years. We moved to Australia 2 years ago and from the day we moved I always said I would be returning home after 2 years to continue my career. We are travelling together in a van for the la... View more

So me (24,f) and my partner (26,m) have been together for 4 years. We moved to Australia 2 years ago and from the day we moved I always said I would be returning home after 2 years to continue my career. We are travelling together in a van for the last 4 months and in 4 months time I will be moving home. I have mentioned this countless times and i was under the impression he would be moving home with me (we had this conversation multiple times about where we would live what we would do work wise etc). Recently someone asked us about moving home and my partner dropped a bomb in the middle of the conversation. He said he would be staying in Australia until his visa ended (8 months time, 4 months after I intend to move home) and also try to find sponsorship to try and stay in the country even longer. He has zero intention of moving home. We never discussed this and he just drops the bomb mid conversation. I’m heartbroken and so overwhelmed because now what do I do? Do I stay in the relationship for the next 4 months knowing we have an expiration date or do we part ways now? Why would I stay and continue a relationship with a man who clearly doesn’t see a future for us?

DaveKay Need some perspective - wife has asked for separation
  • replies: 20

HI community I'm 47 with 3 kids (11, 8, 6) and a marriage (12 years) that's been on the rocks for a while. My wife has asked for a seperatation, and I'm after some perspectives from anyone who has gone through something similar. As background context... View more

HI community I'm 47 with 3 kids (11, 8, 6) and a marriage (12 years) that's been on the rocks for a while. My wife has asked for a seperatation, and I'm after some perspectives from anyone who has gone through something similar. As background context - wife has been unhappy for quite sometime, and has previously asked to seperate. Her reasons are that I am too difficult to live with, and that I scare the kids when I yell at them. I get where is she coming from, and I've tried my hardest over the years and months to settle that down. A lot of that stems from me being the primary income earner (working long and hard hours) and then carrying a big household load as well (cooking, shopping etc). Wife does most of the running around, appointments etc. The house gets crazy chaotic most times, and it just happens that my dad-yelling is much more aggressive that her mum-yelling. That's just for background and context. I know I can be a real knob sometimes, so here we are... She's asked me to move out of the house so she can stay with the kids. My primary resistance is that I cannot afford to fund a second residence without significant impact on the kids (ie remove from private schooling, reduction in costly extracurricular activities). My second resistance that the kids quality of life will suffer as a whole, though wife thinks they'll be happier with me not being around so much. I said I don't plan to be kicked out of my own house, and she seems determined to leave with the kids. The frustrating this is that she believes there are rental options for $150 a week (ie cheap!). Lol & sigh. I don't have feelings for her anymore, but I am determined to hold things together for the good of the family, and for sheer practical reasons. Her idea of good is not being around. Any statement I make about finance/cost is seen by her as financial blackmail. I am really hurt and angry. I've busted my butt for the family, and carry so much of the income generation and household chores. I'd love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar scenario- how did you manage the cost of a secondary residence?- how did the kids cope with separation?- is there a good side to any of this? Thanks, all!

Andrew82 Defeated and broken
  • replies: 1

So my wife has bipolar and not recently diagnosed ptsd , from something that happened to her when she was 5 , for the last 3 months was in hospital trying to get better , she was discharged but not fixed or better , and now after 10 years of marriage... View more

So my wife has bipolar and not recently diagnosed ptsd , from something that happened to her when she was 5 , for the last 3 months was in hospital trying to get better , she was discharged but not fixed or better , and now after 10 years of marriage has decided she can’t have a male in her life and has taken my daughter and said we have to get divorced, I am absolutely gutted and have no fight left in me , after months of going to visit her in hospital and taking in my daughter for visits and looking after my daughter on my own I have now lost both the most important people in my life not to anything I did but to her condition, she has stated that there is no hope for a happy ending as she has now signed up for ndis and can’t walk outside alone in fear , I don’t blame her at all but I’m so lost and feel like I have nothing left to fight for or to keep going , can’t stop crying , any advice at this point would be much appreciated sorry for a long story

Strawbs101 My husband is an alcoholic
  • replies: 13

Hi everyone, this is my first post. I'm feeling really lost at the moment. I’ve been with my husband since we were 18, I’m now 43. We have 3 kids. he has been a functioning alcoholic for many of those years. Not a day goes by that he doesn’t drink. w... View more

Hi everyone, this is my first post. I'm feeling really lost at the moment. I’ve been with my husband since we were 18, I’m now 43. We have 3 kids. he has been a functioning alcoholic for many of those years. Not a day goes by that he doesn’t drink. we’ve argued about it for years, nothing changes. last October, on one particular night after months of him becoming more angry & verbally abusive in front of the kids, I told him to leave after a few days we talked & decided we needed to give it everything we’ve got before we end things. So he came back home agreed to go to couplescounselling. I didn’t ask him to quit drinking outright, I think part of me was scared of the answer & the other part wanted to believe him when he said he could cut right back. The counsellor suggested setting up a agreement as to how much he drank. the agreement was no beer before 3.30pm & max 6 per day. I let him choose the amount. I thought it was still a lot he assured me it was much less than before. I think he was having between 12-18 per day & more on weekends cause he’d start at like 11am. He was good for about a week then went over maybe 2 or 3. I felt so let down when he was having more. He thought I was being ‘over the top & controlling’. Over time it gradually got back to where it was. Then we’d fight, then he’d cut back again then the same cycle over & over…. The week days aren’t too bad, mainly because he is working more so getting home later but weekends are a right off. He’s drunk Fri night then starts early Saturday & Sunday. He makes sure he does some mowing or something to justify cracking a beer so early. When I ask him to cut back he thinks I’m trying to control him. He thinks if he’s not yelling & carrying on there’s no problem with him being drunk. He admits he is an alcoholic but doesn’t think he needs to do anything about it. I think I’ve been living on hope for so long because when he’s sober he’s great & I do love that version of him but this other guy that comes out when he drinks is a complete a**hole. I worry about the effect on my kids. I feel like I’ve been riding this roller coaster for the past few years & I’m over it. I want peace. i think deep down I know he won’t stop. No matter how much I ask, he won’t. so I guess the question is do I walk away or stay….. thanks for listening. I would love to hear your thoughts if you’ve been in a similar situation

Guest_73735492 Looking for help with wife's family
  • replies: 3

Recently married for second time. (55yrs old)- to a wonderful women. Before we got married- i knew she still maintains care of her parents (both 85) - I agreed to stay in her home and help as well- I live a mile away in a house i purchased- Before th... View more

Recently married for second time. (55yrs old)- to a wonderful women. Before we got married- i knew she still maintains care of her parents (both 85) - I agreed to stay in her home and help as well- I live a mile away in a house i purchased- Before the wedding- she still lived in parents house with her older adult children as well. Her parents don't need 24/7 care- they are both able to get around and for the most part healthy- We are a mile away- We live this "hybrid" marriage in that- she still feels the need to sleep in her home 3 days a week- I don't mind for most part- but it gets a little overwhelming for me to have to share the time- it's part of her guilt with her parents- Is it wrong for me to feel this way?

Semiconductor 25 year old virgin male who has never had a girlfriend. I feel like a pathetic loser.
  • replies: 41

I'm a 25 year old male. I've never had a girlfriend, kissed a girl or been on a date and I am a virgin. I pretty much have no experience when it comes to romance or intimacy. I feel very lonely, unwanted and unappreciated. I am an introvert by nature... View more

I'm a 25 year old male. I've never had a girlfriend, kissed a girl or been on a date and I am a virgin. I pretty much have no experience when it comes to romance or intimacy. I feel very lonely, unwanted and unappreciated. I am an introvert by nature and I'm very shy. I'm not the most attractive guy out there, but I do have a good heart and would like to be with someone. I'm quite straight laced and I'm not the party type. I consider myself down-to-earth, polite, kind, considerate, intelligent, tenderhearted, respectful, responsible and genuinely sensitive. I'm not interested in one-night stands or cheap hookups. I value committed, authentic romantic relationships. I've only known heartbreak when it comes to women. I've really liked several girls over the years and ended up heartbroken either because they didn't feel the same way, they already had boyfriends or I asked them out and they rejected me. There are times where I feel that I cannot relate to most people my age because I just have not had the same experiences as them. I dread conversations about sex or relationships with my friends. It feels pretty crappy to wonder why everyone manages to get a girlfriend while you’re left in the dust, even when you put yourself out there. It really does makes you feel less of a man. I'm also extremely worried that because I have literally no intimate experience whatsoever with anyone, girls will not want to get involved with me because of it. I feel like most girls wouldn't want to be with a man that doesn't have any romantic experience at the age of 25.