My partner is suffering and self destructive

[Noah4444]

I’m Noah,

I find that my partner is incredibly interested in the next steps, like moving in together, talking about the future. But most nights she goes into a mood where she says hurtful things, like “you’re going to leave me anyways”, or “we don’t have a future together”. It’s completely different to how she normally acts. I’ve tried talking to her about therapy or a support group, but she wants nothing to do with it. She says the same stuff most nights and while I do love her it’s becoming something that drains me and makes me feel a bit helpless. She wants to spend all her time together, gets upset when we’re apart then sometimes she says self destructive stuff like “we’re never gonna work” or “nothing good ever happens”. 
I’m just a bit hurt and not sure how to get her the help I’m struggling to provide. Do I just take her to a group therapy session to sit in? She’s so adverse to seeing a professional 1 on 1, and she’s threatened to break up with me if I try get outside help. I have a feeling she’s not serious but she’s saying stuff as a ploy to get me to stop talking about help or solving any issues she’s having. She doesn’t have hobbies, won’t let me help her with stuff like her resume or job hunting.

I love her very much, but the words I would currently use to describe her are self-destructive, ignorant and immature. We go on walks almost every day, but I can’t force her to take on a hobby or anything productive. She says things like “I should just end it all” followed by “you know I’d never kill myself”. I just need some help with helping her, thanks.

[indigo22]

Hi Noah,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

I am sorry to hear of the difficulties you are having with your partner. Unfortunately, it sounds like your partner is unwilling to look at what is behind her behaviour and no one but her can change that. We can't change anyone else, only ourselves and we can't help someone who refuses help.

I think there are two things going on with her:

Firstly, it would seem she does not love herself which means she cannot love you in the true sense. Many of us were taught that to love ourselves was either immodest or selfish, that everyone else's needs come before your own, and this leaves an empty space inside that nothing else can fill. Only learning to love herself will fill that space and it can't be forced, it has to come from within her.

Secondly, it sounds like she was brought up to be co-dependant rather than independent which will make her dependant on you in the relationship. Again, many of us were not taught to be independent, but to be reliant on others to fill our needs. It may be a situation where one of her parents was unwilling to let her grow up and find herself. We all need to find ourselves, usually in our 20's, so that we can live our lives in a way that works for us.

I know you love her, but I would not recommend taking the relationship to a further level until she starts to take responsibility for her own mental health and speaks to her GP about getting some counselling (and medication if necessary). I also know that is probably not what you wanted to hear, but I am being honest with my response because you deserve honesty.

I hope this helps you understand the situation a little more clearly. I am happy to continue the conversation if you wish.

Take good care of yourself,

indigo