Functional depression

[Chris01]

Hi

was hoping someone may be able to give me some advice, I suspect that I have functional depression after reading up on things . I drink to excess and often argue with my wife. I don’t drink all the time but lately If I have one drink I continue till I pass out. I know something is a miss but can’t work out what it is ?? I hold down my job no worries and most things are fine but just can’t seem to get myself sorted out. 
any advice or experience on this type of thing would be greatly appreciated 

[indigo22]

Hi Chris01,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

I imagine this is quite daunting and confusing for you, I am sorry to hear what you are going through.

I would like to give you a couple of pieces of advice about what you are dealing with.

Firstly - trying to diagnose yourself is never a good idea when it comes to health, there are so many factors involved that can effect the diagnosis. I would suggest seeing your GP and talk about what you have explained here in order for your GP to make a diagnosis. They can also arrange for counselling if it is needed.

Secondly - Drinking is usually an escape from something we don't want to deal with or face, as is drugs, gambling etc. So I suspect there is something that has not been healed. Can you think of what that might be? Are you aware of anything from your past that was not dealt with properly at the time that may be the catalyst? This could be anything that caused a traumatic response eg. dysfunctional family, bullying, emotional abuse or something less obvious (trauma does not always mean a big event). Is everything ok in your marriage? If it is, then you need to look further back.

You owe it to yourself to get to the bottom of this and find the cause so you can take the necessary steps to recover. Please feel free to continue this conversation if you wish, I will be around to support you.

Take care,

indigo

[randomxx]

Hi there op.

Yep can relate as l was v similar back when l was married and l'm still a functioning depressive now but due to other things.

First thing l'd be wondering is how is your marriage and things between you and her, how do you feel about her and how do you feel about your life ?

That was all my problem back then , l was just deeply unhappy about most of it.

Later things have improved a lot but there's also been other pretty big ups and downs through this new life as well in other things since and so l've still gone in and out on and off at different times but also manage long stretches of a new normal too .

rx

[therising]

Hi Chris

It might sound strange but as a gal who used to regularly binge on alcohol when I was younger, as a way of managing my emotions, I rarely ever drink these days because I prefer to feel the really tough emotions without alcohol getting in the way. To put it a different way, I prefer to feel my way through my challenges while trying to gain a better sense of what they're about. I'd say one of the things that kept me stuck in long term depression was alcohol. I'd simply drink to stop feeling or drink to feel differently. With all emotions being telling, the challenge can be about figuring out what each emotion is trying to tell us.

I'm wondering whether you'd regard yourself as 'an emotional drinker', someone who manages their emotions through drinking. It's like if you don't want to feel your sorrows, you'll drown them in alcohol. Don't want to feel social anxiety, drink it away. Don't want to feel what's missing in life, fill the void with alcohol. It's a long list, so I won't go on. It's a list I can relate to myself. While we can be really hard on ourself as a drinker, what we really need to take into account is 'Who taught us how to feel, in really constructive ways?'. Ask most people and they'll say 'No one taught me how to feel or manage feeling'. It's a lightbulb kind of moment when you realise 'No wonder I struggle, I have absolutely zero idea when it comes to how to feel'. I should add, if being able to feel our way through our challenges and life in general is an ability, that ability goes out the window the more we drink. A different way of looking at things.

While my husband and I began as great drinking buddies about 25 years ago, he's still a drinker. It definitely creates problems in a relationship. When you really need your partner to feel the tougher emotions and  challenges, it's a problem when they can't feel in the ways you need them to. When you need them to feel the push to develop the relationship beyond what it is (perhaps stagnant, depressing and/or stressful) and they're not feeling the stagnancy, the depression, the stress or the push, it's a problem. When you need them to feel the seriousness of financial stress faced, so as to address financial challenges and get beyond them, it's a problem when they can't feel. When you need them to feel the call to help their kids in outside the square ways at times and they can't feel the call or the challenge to go outside the square, you're left alone (as a parent) to go outside the square on your own for your kids. Just a few of many examples of how it can feel frustrating and lonely in a relationship with a drinker.

Having been on both sides of the fence, regarding alcohol, I can relate to the view on both sides. While both sides have pros and cons, only one side leads to greater self understanding and emotional mastery. I've found that it's the really tough emotions that have developed me over the years, not the easy ones, therefor there's an absolute need to feel the tough or challenging ones. Finding people who can help us feel our way through them is key at times.