Where do i start first? Worried partner. (trigger warning: family violence)

[Luna_Jayne]

I've been with my partner for 9 years now and we have two small children. I noticed after about a year that he had a hard time dealing with us going out together, the night would always end up with him in a punch up with random people that he would encounter throughout the night. Him handling jealously sober was easy, he'd laugh or just give a evil eye and move on. I know it worried him, he's very possessive of me and our children but he could control himself. Fast forward a few years now and we have one child, almost 2 and I'm pregnant with another. We go to one of our good friends Daughters Birthday parties, yet again he spends most of the day drinking beer. It's getting late, I'm tired and I'm loaded up with a pram, nappy bag etc etc and I stumble and yell out to him to help me. It was like I just asked him to sacrifice himself on a cross. He exploded, he was screaming at me all these horrible things, not making any sense. Our friends got in between us and tried to calm him down, so he turned on them. Threating to kill them, he got into some horrible details about how he would kill both them and me. I jumped in the car with my child, he approached the car, so I locked the doors he punched the windscreen and once he moved I took off. Now that was about 3 years into our relationship, and he probably has incidents very similar to this about 5 times a year. Sometimes involving me, other times I don't even have to be around for him to start. I believe he has suffered with anxiety most of his life, but as time is going on I believe depression has snuck in there and a good friend who is in the medical field believes he shows signs of Bipolar 2.

I could write a book with the amount of crazy stories I have involving chainsaws and all sorts of other things. When he gets manic, his eyes glaze over and it's like he is dead inside, like he can't even see me or whoever is at the end of his pointing finger. When he drinks, which he uses it to self medicate, he scares me. Sober, I've never been afraid of him.

Long story short, I need to know what's next? I wrote him a 3 page letter to him last night, he responded this morning & finally admitted that he has a problem.. But what is the first step he should take. Local GP? and should I help him, or let him do it himself?. Most of my friends don't think he's is capable of change. But I'm not ready to give up on him, he is the father to my Children. My Best friend.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[pipsy]

Hi Luna Jayne. Boy, do I take my hat off to you. After everything he's done, you're still willing to be there. Going to a G.P in the first instance is a great start, total honesty from him at this point is paramount. I would suggest asking him if he wants you to go tell him you will, but it's his choice. If he goes, but is not totally honest, he is wasting everyone's time. Perhaps ask him if he needs you to tell the Dr how you see his behaviour when he's drinking. He possibly won't be able to explain as he can't see himself as others do. We never see ourselves the way others do. The bipolar 2 diagnosis is possible, allergic reaction to excess alcohol is also a possibility. Whatever the cause, he needs help, the Dr may also suggest AA. AA would provide counselling, backup, when the urge to resume drinking becomes overpowering.

Lynda

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Luna Jayne,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for writing and sharing your story with us.

It sounds like your partner really wants to change and can see how his behaviour is affecting your whole family. In these sorts of situations, your (and your children's safety) is priority number one. It's important that no matter what happens, he sees that. It's likely that the next path of change will be a rocky one but a worthwhile one.

The best advice I can provide is to go to the GP. They will be able to make a referral to the relevant services in your area. If he wants to just change his behaviour but you want to stay in the relationship, most likely a psychologist would be relevant. He can go on his own or you can go with him. That often depends on how he is feeling and how the psychologist wants to direct the therapy.

Like Pipsy said it might also be helpful for him to look at AA or (drug and) alcohol counselling. Allowing him to take initiative in getting help is going to be the best thing for him.

Another thing that might be worth considering is for you to see a psychologist. It's great that your partner wants to change and I'm truly glad of that but changing is a big step and it's likely to be a very rocky road. I don't believe that his behaviour is okay but it's taken a long time to get to that point where he feels it's okay to treat you, your friends and your children this way. He may decide to engage in therapy and then get frustrated by the process, or he may start with AA and then find that it's too confronting. So I would encourage you to seek some support - and if not a psychologist, then a few good friends that you trust and can rely on. Being a mother and a partner is not always easy; so don't forget to prioritise and take extra care of yourself throughout this time.

Hope this helps