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Narcissistic husband

Mstuck
Community Member

Hi, almost 3 years ago I discovered that my husband of 28 years had cheated on me what I thought was on 3 occasions. I discovered he had been to prostitutes. He blamed me because we had not had a great sex life for years. When I confronted him he denied it until I asked for his phone and showed him the messages. He then told me it was all my fault. He wanted to go to marriage counselling but would not book it. I ended up booking it. The counselling did nothing. He swore to me and the councillor it had only been 3 times. Fast forward a couple of years of hell and he finally admitted to this going on for 26 years. I did what he wanted, gave him sex regularly. It was hard as I felt so broken and he didn’t care for my needs. Then late last year he told me, after I probed, that he had continued to see prostitutes as it didn’t feel consentual. This was after telling me he hadn’t. Continued blame on me and no understanding of what I was going through. I also discovered he had downloaded dating apps going back 8 years. He lied to me from the beginning of our relationship telling me he hadn’t travelled extensively before we met. He also told the same story to our kids for years - so lied to them about his travels. That hurts the worst. When I called him out on it he just dismissed it. I feel trapped as I can’t afford to buy him out of our house or to sell and buy a place. The housing market here has made my hands tied. I would have left him years ago if I knew of his behaviour. I have to bide my time as my son is still in school and I know he will become very very nasty when I tell him it’s over. I feel scared and trapped. The hardest part is that he blames everything on me. 

2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

 

It seems very clear that your marriage is doomed and I cant think of any reason to continue with it for your own mental health if not for your sons stability at home.

 

I agree with you in terms of his denials and worse still his ability to blame you for all his indiscretions, like you had his arm twisted to carry out these acts. Sadly, this is common. Furthermore crying out by him that "its only 3 times" is an attempt to minimalise 3 acts that only need one to be found guilty.

 

"The housing market" situation wont get better soon so imo I wouldnt wait for that and I think you'll find living with him until your son finishes school is going to be intolerable. Better to start looking and be more realistic with this unsavoury position. If it means moving a few towns away or to the country and commute then so be it. You could find ways to minimalise the forthcoming nastiness by being prepared to have an AVO against him if he doesnt abide by your requests for calm and adult discussions about your son and property.

 

If you separate there is some basic guidelines I'd recommend eg- not discuss things like- your marriage, his guilt, possible reunification and property settlements. Property should be handled by a family law solicitor- end of story there. These boundaries are wise because nothing good comes out of these topics - only more anger.

 

I hope you are ok. Reply anytime

 

TonyWK

Rosiejane
Community Member

Aww love ❤️, this is terrible and terrifying- first thing is your safety and your child’s.. living with an narc is never easy.. most partners I have was an narc.. it’s no fun to be in that position especially with a child.. 

first thing I would advisable to get out of there- there are just materialist things and I tell you know.. as a mother with two kids, not much as my daughter as I pregnant during the time but my son was 4yrs old and believe it he bounce back more then you as kids got more resilience./ my son even said to my dad, that he does not want to go over my step fathers house.. I heard that after I split up!! 

the police is very helpful, tell them that you are scared of yours and  your child’s safety.. they are train in these situations these days to deal with the things!! They would put up in a place, that’s an roof over your head.. let the family lawyer do the rest; you can get a cheap one with legal aid.. some of these ones are pretty good!! 

 

Another they are just words what an narc would say as they pick on your self- esteem; you are never the blame.. tbh his probably the one that is bad in bed and his blaming it on you.. your his queen so you should be treated like an queen.. you got this!!