Lost - Abusive marriage. Finding myself

[Esther89]

Hi,

After 19 years in a toxic marriage I am finally almost divorced, after being constantly told there was something wrong with me, reminded of how useless I was, reminded of my dysfunctional childhood , having the finances controlled and told I needed help I went to see a counsellor who told me that it wasn’t me who needed help and showed me what I was experiencing, it was like a light switch and I grew more confident and assertive. I had a support network of friends who were like family. I was then offered a job to move to another state and he felt it was a good idea too. Fast forward to 2018, I suffered an injury which meant I had to take time of work,  the mental  abuse was suttle at first however it started to get worse and worse to the point I was threatened and told to leave, when he knew I had no where to go, he would tell my children how useless I was, I returned to work as fast as I could and he would take almost all my pay, it seemed to get worse as he knew I no longer had a support network - eventually I became so worn down, depressed and felt so trapped, I started just shutting down and taking the abuse. 
my credit rating was finally fixed and I used the opportunity to store money away, he once again threatened a divorce or separation and I stood firm and accepted it, only for him to a month later say he was forgiving me for whatever I had done - I didn’t accept it and said I want to leave - he threatened I wouldn’t have my children however i

stood firm. I had to find a rental in th area close to school which was very expensive. I thought it might change but since living seperately he’s still a bully and I feel I’ve finally hit a wall - he’s not given me a cent and I’m scared to take further, he’s extremely cruel and I’ve tried so hard to co parent but anytime I try to stand up for myself he will place horrible demands or restrictions. I feel so stupid because I’ve started to submit and I’ve lost myself somewhere,  I’m overwhelmed and I’ve started isolating from the world hiding away. I don’t have family or friends and wouldn’t want to add my life story or negativity onto new friendships. I’m sorry for the Debbie downer post. I’ve never been in a place where I’m ready to give up and everything feels so overwhelming I become exhausted- I have zero will left 

[Croix]

Dear Esther89~

A warm welcome here to the Forum. I hope you look around and find how others have coped. It sounds as if you are doing an outstanding job despite getting worn down.

Reading your post I can see that you have been able to stand up for yourself at times, with your own money and holding down a job, plus moving away.

This of course infuriates your husband, who would be happy if you did everything he wanted, said everything was your fault and handed over to him all your financial and other possessions. When you do not he tries every nasty trick in the book to try to coerce you - frankly some of those measures can be pretty frightening and seem impossible to get around.

Can I suggest two things? The first you need to be bolstered up, be told how well you are doing -which you certainly are. A councilor may be the best way to go for that. I'd suggest Relationships Australia's Post-Separation (1300 364 277) as a good alternative if they are near you

Secondly to deal with all the obstacles and threats he put your way (none of which is original, many try these) I'd contact 1800RESPECT and ask them what organizations in your area might be of help. It might take a little digging however they are out there -it's a common problem.

You will always find freindly people here, and you are welcome any tme (Debbie Downer posts included:)

Croix

[Debahaha]

Hi Ester. 

I am so sorry to hear that you're going through a very tough time. 

I understand that a person can only take so much before it becomes to hard to handle.  

Have you considered reaching out to a support service or a DV service? Or your Doctor?

I understand how difficult it can be going through a very difficult experience with no one to lean on or reach out to. I am in the same situation for different reasons.  The only thing keeping me going is a support service my GP recommended.  

While I don't have much to offer you,  I just want to let you know that you have been heard.  I also want to tell you what an extremely brave and strong person you are.  You have already done a fantastic job by finding the courage to take steps to try to get away from the toxicity. 

Sending you strength and good wishes.