Not coping after disclosure

[startingnew]

Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Startingnew,

I hear you...I really do or so I think at least. And you can have as many (or as few) bear hugs as you like. I'm stating the blatantly obvious that you have been dealt a really poor hand by life. I'm unsure of the right words to say but when in doubt...let's follow my instincts, for better or worse, and see what I end up writing...

You remind me of one of my good friends in the non-online realm. There's something about survivors of child abuse and a certain "flight of thoughts" (for lack of a better description), which I see in my friend that I also recognise in you...and in some of Sara's earlier writing...plus other survivors here too. It's like this sharply heightened panicked and distressed state that i recognise...as though someone pulled the rug out from right under you as a child and you've been trying to put yourself back together ever since but not quite knowing how...

I think your dad choosing not to be in your life was and is his loss, and I still insist this decision reflects more on him as a person than on you. I'm guessing your mum still resents your dad to a certain degree and is maybe taking that out on you with her cold words because she's unable to take aim at the real target...your dad. Don't get me wrong though, that doesn't excuse her and I don't condone how she treats you; I'm just hoping to get across that your life is valuable and valued. It saddens me to know that your parents have chipped away at your sense of self and self worth over the years...

Of course all your feelings are valid and important...but with so many conflicting feelings and ongoing struggles...I wonder out of everything that you mentioned, what is the number 1, most pressing issue that is causing you distress at this current point in time? I figure maybe if we focus on 1 at a time, it might help you a little more...it's just a suggestion because you're going through so much.

On another note, yes, you and Sara have a beautiful bond; an unspoken understanding. Anyone reading can see that...the parallels in yours and her younger years is uncanny but I suppose that's also why there is that instinctive understanding between the 2 of you. You both just "know." I hope when Sara is feeling up to it, you'll hear from her again. I don't need any mind reading abilities to know that she cares deeply about you and that there is a genuine connection there.

Kind thoughts,

Pepper xo

[startingnew]

Thank you Sola

It means alot to me your here too

[startingnew]

Pepper i wrote quite a long respons. If it doesnt show by tomorrow ill write it up again ok

[startingnew]

pepper

thank you for all your hugs too. I went through a really rough patch today and i have lots of things concerning me at this present moment. You can write whatever you like. However you see fit.

The way you wrote about the rug and the child. Thats close enough!!! Thank you for understanding even if you havent experienced it which i really hope you havent but you can still be empathetic towards others even without certain experiences.

[startingnew]

continued...

its really hit me like a ttifal wave this has. My father isnt a father to me. I can see it's his loss but its also mine. To know i wasnt wanted right from the start its heartbreaking really. The first father figure i had sexually abused me. So not the best way to have a father. My mother does resent my father but takes it out on me. I dont know how to be someone else so she wont hate me.

I dont really know who i am. Besides being a petson thats it. I just dont know anymore and i have no self worth at all. How can i be a person when no one wants me. I dont know how im suppose to build up a sense of anything.

[startingnew]

continued again....

i have so much trouble identifying just one thibg thats bothering me. I have a few small things that are bothering me though im sure youll think its stupid. But its adding to my stress.

Ithink i stuffed up Pepper with Sara on her thread. I completely freaked out and went off the rails when i read something and i know your on there too so you would know. Im stupid and i think ive wrecked everything with her. Im too scared to go back on there to find out. Im not sure shes even posted yet.

The thing about the connection though is she is always with me even without being here. Shes always with me in spirit and i always have her in my thoughts esp when doing difficult things. She means alot to me

My other fello members here including you too mean a huge huge amount to me too and i wouldnt be here today if it wasnt for here

[Peppermintbach]

Hi startingnew,

You're most welcome for the hugs. If you need more...there's plenty more where it came from...

I am glad the "rug and the child" resonated with you; I figured it might. I see it in you, Sara and some of the other survivors here. I have been fortunate enough to have never experienced sexual abuse (the sad part is it shouldn't be a matter of fortunate or not but it shouldn't happen point-blank...but this world sometimes...sighs). I did experience other kinds of abuse as a child but I don't really want to get into that; my way of coping is a fair amount of repression so let's just leave it repressed.

Oh right...honestly, rest assured, Sara is not upset about your "granddaughter hugs"; I think she said it made her smile or something like that. You haven't "ruined" anything with her. One comment doesn't make or break a genuine bond or friendship. Besides, as I said, she was warmed and amused by your post. Go on and read it...she's not upset with you, I promise 😉

Yes, the 2 of you share an understanding. It sounds like you feel safer and stronger when you think of Sara. That's beautiful but I also hope you also find that- feelings of safety and strength- within yourself too one day...don't get me wrong, that doesn't lessen your bond it's Sara...but what I'm trying to say is you can be strong too. You'll get there, even if it doesn't feel that way right now, I've faith in you.

Kind thoughts,

Pepper xo

[Peppermintbach]

Oh I forgot to say...what's this about you calling yourself "stupid"? You're not stupid, startingnew...you were just speaking from the heart in that post. Heartspeak...nothing wrong with that 😉

Also, thanks for the lovely message. It was beautiful to read and I appreciated it a lot.

If those things are bothering you, they're bothering you...it doesn't matter whether you think they're "small" or not, the bottom line is it's affecting you. Did you want to maybe pick 1 of those issues to talk about? Maybe we could start with 1 then go from there?

And I am sure, in good time, that Sara will be back on this thread...keep on keeping on, SN. I bet she's with you in spirit (and if you're reading this, Sara, waves "hi").

Kind thoughts,

Pepper xo

[startingnew]

Hey Pepper

I glad she wasnt offended. Wow i was worried about that i was more worried that it made her feel worse than what she is. I sometimes tend to panic then write before i think. Im also extremely worried for her and how shes doing and if shes ok.

i guess thats the inexperienced part coming out.

ican only hope that one day i will be strong enough to stand on my own two feet and courageous enough too.

i see alot of strength in people on here not just in Sara but in you and others too. I can only hope to.be one day like that.

Ok hmm 1 thing- ok lets start with this one.... i have a bill that i paid wreks ago and now they have put me through to debt collectors. Ive paid it though and i was sent emails and letters and still getting them. I dont have time to wait on thr phone plus i cant talk to people over the phone so i emailed them and hopefully they will get back to me today. Theres 2 reasons im worried. The obvious one being that i paid it and they are sending debt collectors now. And the other is it was for a pap smear and if my mother finds out about it shes going to flip out. Shes going to question the heck out of me. It took a hospital admission to get her to believe that i had anxiety and depression and i wasnt handling things. Even after telling her several times and her not listening to me. She wouldn't talk to me for nearly a week while i was in there. Imagine a bill for this? Gee no way!

So theres 1....

[startingnew]

Shout out to Sara.

Im so worried about you. And im scared for you too. Im hoping your ok. I really am. And missing you too

Iwish i could reach through the screen and give you a big hug