Not coping after disclosure

[startingnew]

Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

[startingnew]

im having alot of trouble sitting on the fence between me and the hpv. if it doesnt go away then its going to get worse and then itll progress and get worse and eventually lead to cervical cancer. thats what killed my nan. i cant live with it, i need something done now and its scaring the shite out of me becasue i still have 9 months until they will perform another test to see if its getting better or worse. and thats not sitting with me.do you know when i first found out i wouldnt touch anything because i though someone would get it or catch it off me, i wouldnt share anything, not that i wouldnt i physically couldnt. i wiped everything with dettol wipes and kept to myself. i didnt even want to wash my clothes with anyone elses. i was terrified the nurses in the hospital were judging me becasue they would have thought i just had unprotected sex and it wasnt that that caused it.its all the memeories that are being brought up of my nan and what she went through and then it makes me even more worried and scared and then it remeinds me just how much i miss her and i miss her so much i would rather me there with her than here in life.it hurts me every single day and im not coping well

[james1]

Hey SN,

No problem. That experience of being told your being attention seeking really sucks. I got that as well. Mum was raging at me for something and I told her to back off because I was having enough trouble keeping myself safe. She kept on ranting and I just lost it.

I think it can be a case of them not understanding or even just getting defensive about how their raising of you has affected you. So she does care, but maybe she's just incapable of showing. That's what they said when I was in hospital anyway. They brought her in and we had a chat with the doctors, then afterwards the doctors pulled me aside and basically said that even if she backed off for a little while, it would be a recurring issue so it would be best to continue my therapy with my psych. And they were right.

It's actually really great to hear that you've had a think about group therapy and think it's not suited for you just yet. Maybe in the future, but if you feel like it's not good for you right now, it's probably worth having that chat to your psych about your concerns.

You seem to really like your new one. What is it you like about seeing them?

James

[startingnew]

ive worked out the problem.

i dont know why i handnt though of it before.

its the simple fact that i was born

thats it, thats the problem to this whole thing.

the fact that i was born and ruined everything.

[startingnew]

this is the reason my mother hates me, my father doesnt want anything to do with me, why ive seen traumas i never want anyone else to see, why i have been SA ,why i have HPV, why i dont have any friends, and all the rest of the reasons.

i was born

it felt that was
what my therapist was saying too. i had a 2 hour session today.

We were talking
about family life etc and we ended up getting into my relationship
with my mother and how everything is. We got into how her life was
when I was born and what happened durin my younger years, she was
having the best life going. She had a boyfriend of a few years, she
had friends, she would always be able to go horse riding and do heaps
of shopping and activities and things. When I came along she lost her
bf (my dad) because he didnt want me. She lsot her freedom, she
couldnt go out with her friends as much and they were replaced by a
screaming kid.

She had a supportive
mum and dad who loved her and helped out, she had her own house and
work and still went out, one of her closest friends had a kid around
the same time too so it wasnt like she was the only one.

I ruined everything.
Imagine the good life she would have had without me coming when she

was 18 or 19 whichever one it was

[Guest_128]

Hello,

I fell pregnant when I was 16 to a married 38yr old man.

My parents tried to give me the absolute best life they could. They wanted me to terminate the baby they begged me. The father said he will send the money for a termination just don't tell his wife and three children. I was bought up as a Christian went to Sunday school and went to a private Christian high school (that has affected as the years have gone by)

I had my baby,36hr labour, he is now with many stories in between almost 28

At the time I said God wanted me to have this baby.

These days I don't go much on god

But I know he is so special to me, and I feel his love more than my two girls.

Maybe it's time to have a think,maybe your mum needs you now.

Later

[Peppermintbach]

Hey Startingnew,

Firstly, I want to give you a big virtual hug because it looks as though you might need one (but you don't have to accept...you always have the right to say no, okay?) I can sense the distress, hurt, loneliness and feelings of rejection in your post. I'm glad Later responded...she clearly cares very much about you as she has taken you under her wing.

Now...I was wondering if it's alright if I share what I think with you? I haven't read all your posts so hopefully I'm not saying anything too out of line...please pull me back in line if that's the case...

I think you can't be blamed for your parents' actions or unhappiness. They were young but they made the decisions that they made- you're not responsible for their actions. That's not fair on you and it's not your responsibility to shoulder.

Knowing that your dad left must hurt like words can't even describe- the ultimate rejection. I can't even imagine what that felt/feels like...but his departure is a reflection on him, not you. Some parents leave and it has nothing to do with their child but it reflects upon their own issues...I'm not saying it's an "excuse" for your dad but what I'm trying to say it's not your fault. So listen...it's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

I'm not sure about the kind of relationship you have with your mum (and don't worry, I'm not asking you to open old wounds and write about it again for me) so I'm a little hesitant to comment. I do wish she was better at being supportive and being there for you though...you deserve so much more...

I wonder whether your therapist does think that. Did she or he say it explicitly or I wonder if you're assuming that she agrees because that's how you feel about the situation?

And finally, you so deserve to be here. I don't personally believe your birth is the cause of all your struggles...I think the root of your pain is trauma. I think the root of your pain is too much responsibility for a 20 year old. I think the root of the pain is inadequate emotional support from your family. I think the root of your pain is feeling rejected. I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way...I'm trying to say it's not your fault and that you have a right to live and exist. Please keep holding on. You look up to Sara right? Well, she has lived to tell the tale and I believe so can you...

Kind thoughts,

Pepper

[startingnew]

hello James


they dont know ive
SH and after the reaction I got about that too omg not a chance. I
think they would take me to get get the scars lasered off.

I havrnt lost it in
front of them. Its quite scary actually. I can be almost fully
composed during a panic attack. Im trying to work on the root casue
of that too. My therapist thinks because im so overwhelmed with
emotions its so hard to idenityfy just one and that I just completely
shut them out and go numb. Yep I agree with her, sometimes when I get
into a astate I litreally cant feel anything, plus I dissociate.

I dont know, I just hope this psych works out. Shes the 6th one ive seen. Im
not going to anymore after her, I need something to be stable in this
crazy world.

[startingnew]

HI Later




my mother only seems
to need me for her sake of needing to get the kids and look after
evverything.

I cant handle everything on my own, I dont mind helping but theres only so much one person can do. Shes going on friggin holiday soon with her bf and
ill be left with the kids during the school holidays while shes gone
and its going to be a week- 7 days straight. dont worry im trying to pull someting out of a magic hat so help me cope through that hopefully another family member can help me out

[startingnew]

Hey Pepper

I think ill accept
that hug, I think I need a big bear hug right about now. Lonliness,
distress, hurt are always within me. They never leave me.

You can share
whatever you like with me/about me.

I feel like its my
fault, im the reason they broke up and went separate ways. My mother
hates me for it, I can feel it. She said to me a while back when
something was going on- well actually she snapped at me and said
-youve got your fathers traits.

Yes it hurts to know
he left because of me, im the reason and there isnt any other.

I asked my mother a
long while ago about my father and she said – her words- he left
when he found out I was preganat with you, he didnt want to put up
with you' not a pleasnant feeling what so ever.


The relationship
with my mother is shocking. We manage to talk on her terms and her
terms only and heaven forbid do NOT meantion I have MH issues. She
cant accept that I have them. When I was put into hospital because of
a breakdown they just kept calling me attention seeking, why do you
have to be an attention seeker, they kept saying to me. They made me
so distraught the day I went in they kept me in a 24 hr watch room
with the padded walls.

They as in my mother
and her bf- just as bad as her- threatened to quit their jobs, sell
my horses if I didnt come home, and thats just some of it.


When in the 2 hours
I was there we did discuss quite a lot of relationship things. She
said that because my father isnt around to take her anger out on, im
the next thing. Im the creation casued by him so im the target. I
didnt really do much talking during the two hours.


Oh trauma is a big
cause- who wouldnt after being sexually abused for months- rape- and
also watching my sister get attacked by a dog, watching my pop on
life support, watching my na go through cancer treatments, getting
diagnosed with HPV. Yeah not cool at all.

Yes I have wayyyyy
too much responsibilities. Ive been told I have the mind of a 30 yr
old if not older.

Nothing you have said has come out the wrong way at all.

Yes the lovely sara, shes one that I look up to very much. One of the only ones ive felt a connection with in such a long time.

[solabear]

I'm sending a big solabear hug your way sweetie