I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.
The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.
As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.
I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.
I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.
I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.
I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.
I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.
I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.
Hello Hanna, Grandy & all fur babies everywhere.
I was attempting a post earlier, but my internet browser suddenly closed
Grandy, you,& everyone is most welcome to drop in anytime. 😻 I'll be around for Xmas & New Year, & the days either side & in between.
I go for the Pre-Op Clinic Tuesday 21, & then January 4 I have to go for the Sentinel Node Localisation Scans & I was called last week & told I would have my surgery January 4, but haven’t yet received a letter to confirm this.
I’ve left Xmas/NewYear plans loose, not knowing what was going to happen. I still have some of my infrequently purchased foods to have, music, tele, & I bought some new clothes recently. Big dressing gown, expensive shirts & trousers - those can be my Xmas prezzies for me this year. But I still want to buy the new Australian birdsong album.
& I want to find the ABC's community choir song for this year, written by Katie Noonan. What I saw the other morning, it's bound to put a lump in my throat & bring happy tears to my eyes. So, be warned if you go looking for it.
Although my voice is not nearly as good as once was, I still enjoy singing, & would have liked to go somewhere & sing Xmas songs with a crowd. I find that activity brings the individual audience members together like nothing else does. Seems to do that for footy crowds too.
I’m still figuring out what I’ll take with me to hospital, how to pack it, & not be frantic in the couple days prior to January 4.
My neighbour & I have so little actually in common. He genuinely hasn't recognised me from when we worked for the same organisation. I don't want to remind him, not because of anything he did, but because of the way I was treated by someone else, & the people I ought to be able to turn to didn't understand & help when I needed it. Finally, I simply had to leave. This neighbour used to drive their truck, drinking while at work too.
Following from there, he had a bad car accident. Now he's forgotten so much, it seems he recalls nothing beyond a few people he mentions from time to time. He said he was diagnosed with alcoholic psychosis. & he has diabetes. No close family, either. He recieved a pay out, & blew it all away.
So, I do think he's lonely, but can't motivate himself to get out & meet people. I have tried to help, but, no.
Gabble on, like talking over the back fence. I like it😸& you, too, take care ❤️Grandy, ❤️Hanna, ❤️Doolhof, ❤️Mum Chris, ❤️Croix, ❤️EVERYONE!❤️
Hello Dear Kitty,
I think it’s a good idea to have your hospital bag packed before you need to go in....
You made me smile when you said you bought yourself some new clothes for Christmas...I love hearing when people are giving themselves some self care and presents...I buy each Christmas a bottle of Tia Maria, it’s the only alcohol drink I like...and look forward to buying it each year....
Kitty...maybe just a few personal items, you like...a scented candle is nice to take....even though you can’t light it...a few sniffs will bring you the gentle smells...A phone with your favourite songs downloaded, audio books and don’t forget your ear/head phones....and charger....Little things that we like can make a lot of different in helping soothe our anxiety...Oh and of course your clothes, light blouses with buttons on them...A lady in town wore only those summer brunch coats after her surgery....until she healed....She said it was comfortable and looked like a summer dress...so if anyone came to visit her, she felt she was respectful to accept them....
I am sorry that happened to you at work...You would think that people of working age knows better then they do....It’s just so sad that people can do so much damage to another person’s soul and not care....warm hugs, sweet lady,,,🤗🤗..
My anxiety and fear of people keep me away from the carols by candlelight..I do watch them each year when I can on tv and sing along with the songs I know...Then my fur girls run away and hide under my bed 😂..my singing sounds like a frightened angry animals trying to escape...
I am not really familiar to singers etc, I will listen to Katie Noonan if I can find her...I do try to listen to artists that are mentioned by people here....I will have my box of tissues ready...thank you for the warning...
Hope your day today is going good for you...
Talking over the back fence...I like it, and used to do that as a child with my next door friend....although more like talking between fence posts back then....😂😂.
Thank you for your welcome to drop by anytime...means a lot..
Try searching for:
Classic Choir sings All is Love by Katie Noonan - YouTube
*sigh* I'm not making a link..so at least, you ought to be able to find it on ABC Classic or by searching the somg name & by Katie Noonan look to the YouTube results. check when posted, because there previews & promotional items when I searched.
Good luck with this. She does have a unique sound.
I am definitely taking my phone, & the earphones & charger. The tele without many things with audio description is difficult when I can be seated near it, but the way they have them, I won't be able to get much out of them at all.
Have a few books on my phone, & some music, & I could use the ABC Listen app I have one it. I' not quite how well I will get onto BB & post while I'm there, & could only use my phone, dictating something, but then I'd want a quiet place, away from others to do that...so I don't know.
I'm only supposed to be there 2-3 days, my surgeon said, which is shorter than I had imagined.
So, today I did some washing, so things I will take are clean. I will gather everything on my sofa, & see how big the bundle is & hopefully, the bag I'm thinking of using is big enough. I'll put my meds in a container, too. & another for personal care items.
I'm keeping the paperwork in my shoulder bag, so I don't lose it.
So, as worried as I may get, I'm sure I will have things ready to go on the morning..
I know I'm getting ahead of myself, even to thinking this Tuesday is the surgery day, really, believing that. It' is something my mind does from time to time. I know for a moment there, that's exactly what I thought. Lucky it's just a moment! I have had a little wordd with myself, & we're using the same calender again.😼
WE could make a different sort of choir - with Smallwolf, & the full moon for our excuse, we can 'serenade' our way through Xmas!😺Say, we could bring the band up from Croix's Iceberg!
Hi Smallwolf,😺 if you are reading, there's a doggy door somewhere around here. I had it installed just for you.
That was a lovely reply and painted a great picture of your life. My apologies , I can't reply in kind tonight as my mind will not concentrate, so I wrote a Happy Memory aimed at the ancient instead.
The only thing I will refer to is walking, like you I'm not that happy walking by myself, apart from the enjoyment of talk and company, I'm always conscious I might need rescuing due to physical hassles so Mrs C accompanies me.
Take Care, Croix, you & Mrs C.
& don't fret if you don't manage a coherent reply....happens to the best of us.
Since my browser collapsed, again, I went & had another long snooze. For a moment I thought I had awakened & lay on my back, with my eyes closed. It seemed to be light outside, & my ceiling light seemed to be on. Behind my eyes all seemed a warm orange-brown, like dark honey, with a brighter area at the top of my visual field. That's why I thought my light was on. I began to think, as if I had slept all night, what I was going to do today,Monday., but then Iopened my eyes & saw a completely different view. The room was dim, no light was turned on, the colour was also dim & dull. I realised then that this was still Sunday, & it was probably 6:30pm, but I still didn't feel awake enough to not go back to sleep.
That was a dream, wasn't it?
Following on, I did have another dream illustrating more anxiety than I have been aware of, about the forthcoming procedures.
I was small, having to climb up to sit on a chair or bed, & not wanting to expose my body. I had on a large, heavy canvas kimino style coat, A. man with a gentle voice asked me if I wouldn't mind opening my 'ramikin' - something like that, & I know he was referring to my coat, which I wanted to wrap myself tightly into, & hide. He was reaching towards me when I woke again, & thought, I'm not going tback to sleep anymore, now.
Conservatively, 3.5 hours.
I'll go read your happy memory. Thanks Croix. 😸
* Potential Trigger in this post.
Last Night, for a moment, I had an awful thought. Now I've had it, & cried, & don't feel it is going to be a major issue, but it is there, in the back of my head, like a hot, glowing red hot new brick in my head. It's toying with my uneasiness, my fear, my certainty about my decision.
My brain suddenly yelled at me, "it's an amputation. That's what it is, an amputation". But it's not , I want to argue, not like if I had to lose a limb. It's also not like having an eye & an ear that no longer function as the organs they are, either. Having a double mastectomy seems somewhere in between.
How much are these things part of who I am as a person?
It's like the way people seem to identify themselves by what they do to bring in an income. My work would not be who I am either. I'm still a person without ever having a full-time, fully paid work, job or career.
So not having a couple body parts will not diminish me as a person.
So why this thought last night? Effed if I know.
& I thought, for a bit, that if the way I was feeling persisted, I would email my PDr., it was so intense. But, it didn't persist, & I am okay.
It's just there, now, so I write, & it feels good to write, the words containing the thought & feelings.
I don't think having these fleeting thoughts is abnormal, maybe even more common than I suspect. That's why I wanted to post about it. Being open here, I hope does help someone else.
I'm wondering if there are any specific support people you can phone. I was recently told of organisations that can help me with a particular issue. There may well be a support group who can help you navigate, understand, comprehend and support you through this.
Writing down how we are feeling and what we are thinking can help immensely.
It sounds like you have lots of things planned for hospital. Are there some things you could put in place for when you get home again? Special meals in the freezer perhaps. If you can afford it, have some flowers delivered to yourself. Some kind of little indulgences that are affordable and will help to brighten your return home again.
Just a few random thoughts. Cheers from Dools
First off, my regrets about those mixed feelings, a pity, I hope they disappear, overwritten by current events.
I've found that as some of the things that happen in my life, or are about to happen, then my stress level goes up (um, that's a surprise) and with it both psychosomatic problems and dreams or nightmares. sometimes they are loosely connected wiht the event in question, sometimes wiht things from my past, jumbled up.
I think Mrs Dools suggestion of treats to look forward to on your return is an excellent idea, can one take it a little further and have a treat waiting to help you wake up and gain perspective after a horrible dream? I'm a bit humdrum and get up to have hot cocoa and a biscuit (we walruses certainly know how to live the high life)
Yes your posts, both here and elsewhere are valued, and not only by those that post themselves but the vast majority, those that never post put do read. It's part of you identity to communicate and help.
I can't see you changing after some surgery, you will remain exactly you, maybe a little richer in experience, but no change.
Identification is a funny thing, and I'd expect there are things you regard as integral to yourself, however I'm sure they will not be related to your operation. Unlike you I did identify - with my job. And when invalided out and no longer a policeman I was nobody at all for a while. Eventually I recovered and my old pre-police character has resurfaced.
Now to answer the most important question you raised:
"How do you keep from dwelling on the fact that your polar regions are melting?
I'm not in the slightest worried, having bound together as floats all the empty beer cans and bottles left behind by DB and Grandy my iceberg will never sink, and if I want cold I'll simply leave my fridge door open.
Hello Mr Croix and mmMekitty and everyone
Mr Croix I think you are being mischievous! I hope Grandy and Deebi come by! You did give me a good chuckle!
MmMekitty waiting to have surgery is so anxiety provoking. Any changes to our self image and self perception are difficult and your surgery is hard for a woman.
My friends who have had it were incredibly thankful they were well and able to live a long life, but I'm sure they went through the gamut of feelings and emotions that you are going through.
When I had a hysterectomy it bothered me greatly but that feeling passed and I'm thankful I've been well ever since.
Your feelings are very legitimate. I'm glad you are able to express them here. I think all of us here will be glad and relieved when you are through it and on your way to recovering and going back to your normal life.
Is there some way or ways we can help or support you best? Please let us know.
Big hug from me and a soft fluffy one from little Sam! 🤗👍🐕🐾🐾💝