Introducing mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Hello everyone.

Got my little project done - just in time for Easter, too! I was beginning to wonder if I would finish this new temporary Profile Picture so mmMekitten could have the fish-filled chocolate egg this year!

Me, I have a Rocklea Road bar, where I think I finally found my favourite mmMarshmallow, soft & lightly fluffy within the chocolate....😹

*

I've had to go out three days this week. Tuesday to the Physio at the hospital, Wednesday I went with my sis, her hubby & on brother to sign some forms, which had to be witnessed. Yesterday, I went to my GP, who wants blood tests, make sure my tirednessi is not thyroid or iron related, then I had my Fluvax as well, & seemed to have a very odd reaction to that. Wen we came bck to my place, my helper phoned my GP , who said to go to hospital. My carer suggested to go to a different hospital from the one I"d been going to, because when she's been there, it's not so busy, & we might not be there so long. Still it was was 5hr to be seen, given an antihistamine, another blood test, & sandwiches.& told to go to a chemist & get more antihistamine to take for a few days.

I got the Rocklea Road bar at the chemist - which was about to close when we got there - so something good came out of it! 😺

So I've been exceptionally tired, & trying to finish my little project in time.... 😺 Not all details I wanted are in, but I ran out of time to do more.

Now, today, I've got to go to the chemist up the road, for some meds I didn't notice I need again. It seems so soon from when I last got them. No helper with me, today.
*

I have something else to contemplate now. Apparently, my mother wanted her ashes to be tossed into the Pascific Ocean, so she'd could feel she'd in some way, finally be close to us, her kids. My Uncle wants to carry out these wishes, with all of us involved. I am very unsure about this, especially if it means we all meet somewhere, probably USA, to do this.

Happiness & health to everyone. 😺

mmMekitty

[Ggrand]

Hello mmMeKitty...🤗..Croix and everyone....🤗..

You done a brilliant job on your new a avatar, I think it looks really good...although I don’t think I’ll try fish and chocolate together....maybe it’s something that a lovely Walrus might enjoy....

I’m sorry you got an odd reaction from your fluevax....and hope so much that you’re feeling better....The waiting times at hospitals can be so long sometimes....it’s good they gave you some antihistamine’s....I remember once when I had a reaction to a spider bite...I was given antihistamines Nd they made me so tired that I slept many hours....

I had thyroid problems in my early teens through to mid 30’s...I was so lethargic, put onto meds but a bit late as I had developed a goitre out of it...I was so self conscious when I went out...with a rather large thickening around my neck....I wore scarves summer and winter to hide it....Its since gone down but has left me with very loose skin where the goitre was....I do hope the professionals can find out the cause of your tiredness...

My son who had surgery a couple of months ago is complaining of being tired all the time...maybe like my son it’s the anesthetic that’s causing it....

I do love rocklea road chocolate...and the mmmarshmellows are really yummy... I used to make them all the time for the shop I used to have....I was an excellent taste tester 😂😂...after all I had to make certain they were yummy....

Wishing you a peaceful evening and night lovely lady...

My kind thoughts with my care and a hug 🤗 ...

Grandy..

[Croix]

Dear mmMekitty (with a wave to Grandy)~

I'm most impressed with your Easter project and think if mmMekitten eats that lot your are going to have one puddy tat with a tummy ache 😨 😞

As for a walrus liking it, why spoil perfectly good 🐟 with an 🥚?

I'd not heard of a Rocklea Road 🍬 and had to look it up, sounds delicious but bad for a walrus's waistcoat fitting. You must have a more relaxed chemist then me. Mine only sells brand-I've-never-heard-of diabetic sweets in tins (which are yuck)

How do you feel about the ashes ceremony (if you don't mind my asking)? If you leave to one-side relationships with your family would you look forward to going to the USA?

I hope your Fluvax reaction has settled down

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hello Croix, Grandy & everyone,

Re Flu vax: The symptoms have gone. 😺Arm is a little sore, but that is not unusual.

*

That was not my usual chemist. The one we went to had other chocolates, but I'd not seen the large bar in a box before, & feeling hungrier than my stomach can actually hold, I was tempted!

I'm sure they make it in slabs & cut to a certain length & width. That's what it looked like.

*

As I have never taken a trip overseas since comeing to Australia when I was a child, I will have to do quite a bit of research.

Lots of questions. One of which will be about COVID risk. Others about my physical health & meds I am prescribed. I don't think I could sit with the undiagnosed problem in my legs for as long as the plane trip would be.

I am sure I will also need help with getting around, from beginning to end, wherever we go, whatever we do...

No, I don't think I can 'put my family aside' while I consider whether or not I want to do this - I don't know how.

I had not considered USA as a place I ever wanted to go back to, not even for a visit. This is a most unusual reason for going, so I need to think about it.

I remember we lost a day while getting here, so I wonder, will I get one back & then lose it agai, going there & back?

*

Thank you for kind thoughts & wishes.

Little mmMekitten seems destined to learn some of life's lessons the hard way - I tried warning, but my warnings have gone unheard & therefore,😿unheeded.😻All I can do is be there to sooth & care for my little red darling.

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

This new GP I got, she looked into notes previously recorded, & found an interesting note about my having a nerve pinching in my lower back. She wants to investigate, because this could be the reason for my leg problems.

I guess the GP who ordered those images didn't read the report carefully? More than 2 years ago.

I am due for more scans & tests soon, & now there is another. Maybe it ill be followed up with a cortisone injection. My new GP said is the first line of treatment. If so, it's a gamble as to how long it will work. If not, we'll consider surgery.

*

& then, an adverse effect from a new med for bowel problems, which nearly had me going to Emergency, except the ambulance hadn't arrived after an hour, & the symptoms I was having had eased, so I phoned & cancelled. I didn't want to go to Emergency again, but if those symptoms had persisted I would have waited anyway, & gone.

It was frightening; unusual symptoms.

I got more exercise walking up the road, alone today, to see my GP again.

Having adverse effect from these things, means I can't have those things again. No alternative but to keep away from flu, & my GP hasn't offered an alternate treatment for my bowel troubles.

& getting achy with #4 dose, too! I had no problems before.

So, I'm doing my best to not feel miserable, some minutes, like when I get a little giggly about something,

*

My helper was phoning around for almost 2hrs trying to get an appointment which wasn't 2+months away - & I'm not in a rural area ... It really saddens & angers me about how difficult it is to get good health care in regional/rural areas.

*

I wrote an email, which I began writing 10 days ago, & without actually saying I could definitely not travel to USA, I did explain about my legs. Given the reason FOR going, I don't want these legs of mine to be the reason I can't.

But the reason I don't want to go - it has nothing to do with my mother's ashes, her wishes, but it does bring up old memories, fears & deep concerns about being anywhere near my eldest brother. The brother closest in age to me, he's bad enough to have to tolerate, while getting forms signed & witnessed. This will e very much more intense.

My mind is already filling with pain & revisiting the past... & I know he doesn't understand what he did, how much it effected me, back then, let alone now, how the effects are so complex.

I really don't know if I can face being in the same location as him again, not for anything.

But I don't feel good about it.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear mmMeKitty, Croix and everyone...🤗..

How Good is that, that your new GP seems to be very particular when reading old records...and discovered something that may be giving you leg pain...I really do hope that she finds the problem and can help you with the pain...

Please don’t feel bad about not wanting to be near or around your eldest brother....Its okay dear lady...you need to protect yourself in any way you can.....I haven’t seen or spoken to my eldest brother in over 50 years...he done bad things to me....and even though he has asked me to forgive him...his excuse was.we were only children.....I was...but he was old enough to know....I cannot forgive him....and never will....

Maybe...and I’m not sure...if you go to a solicitor near you...to handle your side of the paperwork and any other legalities that need doing also you can sign what you need to sign....I think their should be away you around you travelling so far.....if your not comfortable to do so....I do hope their is...

Take good care of your mental health...and when those painful memories arise...please try as hard as you can to block them out...by listening to music you like, maybe singing along with the lyrics.... listening to an audio book you like...or doing something that takes all your concentration to do....Our mind as complex as it is...can only think of one thing at a time....I think that’s why distractions can help us in times of PTSD memories.....I know distractions don’t always work....but still worth a try to calm our overworking mind down for a little time out...

Hugs and love, beautiful lady...,

Grandy..

[Croix]

Dear mmMekitty~

Like Grandy I'm pleased you have a more diligent doctor and may get some relief for your legs. Flippers crossed. Some in my family have gotten a lot of relief from such injections

Getting the right meds, especially if you have adverse reactions is a right pain. It can sometimes take ages and call for a bit of inventiveness and wider knowledge on the part of the prescriber. One of the ones I'm on is listed as having nothing to do with my condition, but works perfectly.

Supposing you did go to the US and be wiht your brothers - and made it though. How would you feel after? It is easy to assume one might feel a sense of accomplishment, but would you?

I'm sorry if this paragraph might appear indelicate to some however I believe casting ashes is not an all or nothing thing. I know of a family who were split over the location of placing ashes, in the end they agreed to differ and each part of the family placed some where they could mange.

I don't suppose whatever you decide concerning the US you will feel particularly good about it, however I suspect you believe your decision to stay well away has been warranted and has paid off.

It is after all toxic people that have placed you in this position, no you. I find you to be a marvel of coping and adaptability.

I forgot, while I'm at it I'd better say something about your artistic 🎨 talents - "amazingly amazing".

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hello Grandy,

It pains me to think, your eldest brother had treated you so badly, perhaps as badly as mine treated me. My brother had made excuses, too, saying he was young, & felt powerless. He is 4 & a bit years older than me, so I had to reply, "well, what about me?" Like, what was I to him?

Would that I could take those memories from your mind. I understand how painful they are to carry.

*

It is dragging me down today. I feel like I am a shipwreck, broken up, tossed about in the sea....

*

I seem to always have a book playing on my PC, & if I fall asleep, I try to hear whatever I missed.... but sometimes I have made a mistake & accidently closed the site, & lost the list I had for what to play next. It's not easy to find the books &make another 'play next' list.

Yesterday, when I went to see my GP, I had to deliberately close the window, & turn off my PC, as I do when I go out. Sounds petty, but it is really annoying.

*

Made yummy aromatic pastry dinner this evening, like a little sunshine in this day.

I did some more exercises now I'm not so achy-breaky feeling. It is really noticeable that I hadn't done my stretch exercises since Thursday night. I'm glad to be doing them & using my dumbbells again.

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& Croix, part of my difficulty is that this ash ceremony is the idea behind it. I don't think it will really achieve anything. If it does for my Uncle, for anyone else, & if it would help if I am present, I'd think it worth going & doing. But in my mind, I don't think it will bring her any closer at all. Just as I don't think giving us money in her will communicates to me that she loved me.

That's a lot of mental gymnastics I don't think I can manage, & also find something of my old way of blocking my emotions when having to be near my eldest brother, as well.

My mother & I (& my sibs) have been separated from her since I was 4 years old. Nothing can replace the missing years of her being my mother. & her, who took her place did not offer motherly love.

My father did so much harm. Nothing can repair the damage.

It's all rather too much to process.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️Grandy & Croix, & for anyone reading , who's had life-long pain & sorrow. We're not alone.

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear mmMekitty -with a wave to Grandy~

It's very annoying when you lose a playlist, retracing one's steps can be surprisingly difficult. I hope you got back all you intended. Another thing that annoys me if I'm playing a book and close down, when I restart sometimes so does the book - right from it's beginning, even if I'm more than 1/2 way through.

So what is an aromatic pastry? You culinary skills are obviosly way ahead of mine.

I can well imagine you feelng all at sea. I remember when my mother tried to make contact in her very old age. She and my father had formally disinherited me in my youth and I was not sure if I was up to it, or what was the right thing to do.

Pity won out, but it was basically a mistake, she had not changed and was just as poisonous.

Not the same circumstances as you and Grandy I know, but the idea of seeing somone that had caused deliberate injury after a very long time reminded me. It brought back a lot I could have well done without.

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hi Croix, Grandy & all,

I had to make a new thread, to post a couple poems best suited to the PTSD & Trauma category, so with a warning, I have called it 'Poems by mmMekitty *TW*' , if you want to read them, & maybe more to follow, some time or other.

I jut hate how things keep coming back to bite us. I've heard from my sis that my (ex-)step-mother hasn't changed, except she has quit trying to have the idealised hour-glass figure - no more Weight Watchers, & she is now a very lonely woman. Pity, as you say, but what good would it do? Even if she were to contact me, begging forgiveness, I could not believe it was sincere. I have no reason to see her again, no desire, no sense of duty or loyalty to her, nothing.

Sounds awful cold & cruel of me, doesn't it? I I feel so deeply sad for our families, hers, my father's my mother's the so-called blended family myself, my sibs & step-sibs grew up in, all our extended families we don't even know may exist out there... & so on... It's like our family tree is one with many sickly branches, stretching out long after when the tree would have been healthier, had the branches dropped off.

*

& Croix, if ever I write about an 'aromatic' pastry, pie, bikkies, soup, or food of any sort, you may read 'yummy smelling' instead. 😺

But beware the overly-aromatic fish, poultry or other meat - this may be sign it is 'going over'& becoming 'yucky smelling'.

😹I am pleased to note an old walrus can still learn something new!

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️all over the place, again... don't they look pretty? Please, everyone, gather up as many as you would like.😻

mmMekitty