Introducing mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

🌫oh, yes, fog...

I think it's🧸time.

[Croix]

Dear mmMekitty~

I was said when you said you may never have known what it was like to be in 'good fettle'. I hope that changes and you can at least have more fun, if nothing else.

As for the name issue, I think you may well have been very wise to change your name, so you were not available to toxic people. I also think you are wise in not going down the rabbit borrow of making up an imaginary partner. Not only could it become exceedingly complex to maintain the fiction, but if it was me I'd see it more in terms of being a defeat. Them having successfully pushed me into a corner. and made to lie.

Perhaps if you simply said to your uncle, with a minimum of details, that for your own reasons you wished to keep your identity to yourself and request he BCC rather than address group emails to you, then that might solve the issue - at least for a while.

Your brothers knowing your email address cuts both ways, you - I'd imagine - know theirs from the same source and could flag them as spam or otherwise block them.

I hope you managed a decent snooze 💤

BTW is that fragment of verse your own or a quote?

Croix

[Croix]

PS typos strike again -sigh

I meant "I was sad ..."

-C

[mmMekitty]

Hi Croix,

That was an easy typo puzzle to work out. 😹 You wanna play another Typo Puzzle game?

& yes, I'll call it: Z Z Z. One of my little top of the weary/foggy head snippet poems.

I don't know if these hormone blockers could having this effect, two months after starting them, after thinking I might have begun to feel less tired - it feels worse than ever. Brain fog, guess so, if that includes stumbling over words & grammar when I am talking to people, or even while writing. I do edit while I am writing, so hopefully I'm making sense... I have noted a few errors which got past my final review before posting.

I was intending to do some online shopping tonight, trying to convince myself my nananap was enough to get me through it, but I don't think so anymore... time here, (oh, but some of you mean so much to me), & I neeed to eat something, having a little email back & forth with my home helper, about next week.. & now it's getting late-ish.

I've spoken with my sis again, too. She is willing to accomodate to my wishes. We have still another form to get signed before a proper Notary Public, so she will take me to this one she found. He works independently, is actually not too far from me, doesn't charge much for his services, & seems like a nice sort of fellow.

The room where we met him the first time was large, well-lit, but had many ornaments, paintings he'd done, lovely furniture, too... wish I could have seen better...it's so annoying sometimes. The paintings, he said, were about his trips to Italy.

I really do have a big old-fashioned complex about secrecy, deception, lies, censorship, editing (decent, finished writing needs editing), honesty & transparency. When you got to lie about a very significant time in your life to your own family, that tends to do some deep damage. I am now as sensitive to this as I am to cigarette smoke near me. I can't stand it, like I can't breathe.

Big furry kitty-cat hugs to you, wonderful🐋🐎!

Hope you sleep well. ❤️You too, MC❤️& Hanna❤️Grandy❤️& DB❤️&...&....everyone

I hope nothing wakes me at 3 or 4 or 5 or even 6 in the morning again.

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear mmMekitty~

I'm not sure about being wonderful, however the hug is much appreciated 🙂

As for playing the typo game, I don't have to play, it comes naturally:( Actually I spend almost as much time correcting as writing and even then things slip though.

I can see you had a basic mistake when you thought "trying to convince myself my nananap was enough to get me through". Of course if it had been a cat-nap you would have been fine I'm sure.

It may well be htat medication has a sedating effect, as you would appreciate different people have different reactions - do you have to be on them for long?

It's pretty good you have an understanding sister to assist, being in total isolation from one's family does not feel that good, no matter how horrible they are. Although completely separated from my family most of my life there was one auntie who gave love, unlike all the rest, and that made a huge difference.

I guess I must be similarly old-fashioned.

Have a fish 🐟, it's quite fresh (I pinched it off DB)

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hi Croix,

I suppose the typos game is my own little game, a guessing game, based on the fact my text-to-speech reads the text precisely as it is presented. Most groups of letters, it reads as closely as phonetically possible. Abbreviations such as 'BB' or 'bb' are okay, You are lucky my text-to-speech reader will recognise 'Croix' & not say, 'Croiks' but DB's 'Croixy man' gets the treatment! I'm imagining typos & mispelled words, & the abbreviations I come across are mini puzzles for me to work out. Maybe you would liek to play at inserting some deliberate mistakes, is what I was imagining... 😺lol

*

I'm expecting to be using the hormone blocker for 10 years. The effect is supposed to be gradual - hence it is a low dose, so I thought any adverse effects would not be strong. Maybe I made a false assumption? All I know is, one's quality of life is diminished if one is sleeping half the time, only seeming to be awake for necessary tasks related to basic personal care. That's where this seems to be heading.

No matter what I call my daytime snooze, or the early evening kip, it doesn't feel like it's enough. I wonder if I'm getting into any deep sleep at all. I'm not remembering but one dream in a possible 50, if that. Occasionally. upon waking I feel I have to struggle to reach the border between being asleep & awake, like pushing up through some unusally thick air/water substance, which feels like it is clinging, not letting me rise, pulling or dragging. Those moments are horrible, like the air is too thick to breathe, or my body is under high pressure, like being several feet under water, where the pressure squeazes tight, & breathing is hampered.

I'm sure I'd been dreaming on those occasions, but the effort to wake pushes thoes dreams from my mind.

But these few occasions feel as if they are the only times I sleep deeply enough to feel the sleep was a bit better than the little benefit I'm feeling most times.

I'm not expecting you to answer or comment on this in any way. I'm just wanting to try to describe what's been happening. Do wonder if my way of describing this is comprehensible, though. I may have to describe this to my GP or my PDr, & I would like them to understand.

Take care, & hug some cats for me. Hug Mrs C for her. 😸

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear mmMekitty~

You are a bad influence encouraging me to leave typos - it's hard enough to get rid of them and I'd love to be lazy and just let them remain - mind you nobody would be able to read my posts!

Pity about the long term nature of those meds, but then again I suppose the fact they are long term might mean it is worth the trouble to try to get them right. Those horrible sensations you feel when partially awakening as well as the general tiredness may well be something to do with them. I've had - as I've mentioned before - all sorts of reactions, including more intense nightmares.

I have found that in order to explain some long-term symptoms I've not gotten much reaction from the medical people just by talking in general terms. This has made me resort in the past to keeping a symptoms journal written at the time (it particularly applied to wakefulness, flashback and dreams, but is the same principal)- do you think this might give your team a clearer and more motivating picture?

As for hugs: I will send you a virtual hug, give a real one to Mrs C, and leave Sumo Cat strictly alone. His dignity does not allow such liberties. He would stalk off offended and not sit beside me for a week:(

Croix

[blondguy]

Hey mmMekitty and everyone

I feel a lot like you do with not being able to do enough to help 'people in need' This can be an issue when we have a huge care factor...as you do...I remember when you started on the forums...You are wonderful kind soul who has provided support to so many people since you joined the forums

Croix was spot on about knowing our own limitations. Like many members I have my own limitations especially where caring for my 91 year old mum is concerned. It limits the support I can provide on this National Forum

What I found odd was a comment from a member back on the 27th......'champs and ordinary members' There is no such member as an 'ordinary member' First time I have read such a pompous comment on the forums

You are and always have been an asset to the forums mmMekitty! My very best for your health

please be kind to yourself

Paul

[mmMekitty]

Hello everyone,

Thank you, Paul, for your supportive & kind words. 😸

& to you, too, Croix. 😸& Sumo! If I was there... he'd be cuddled, no mistake! Like Mekitty, he might only allow it for 20 seconds, but a cuddle or a hug is a cuddle or hug no matter how long lit lasts.

I am trying to finish a little project. I have to take some breaks, & it's when I it back, or get up to do something else, or to stretch, (yep, doing them during my little breaks). Sometimes, I just stop, play on my phone, maybe - this is when I become aware of how tired I am, as if I was tired or am all the time, but only notice when I give it a proverbial 'word in edgewise', It pipes up, like a loud complaint from one of my neighbours, but shouting at me "I'm TIRED!"Or, I just might begin to nod off while playing my piano on my phone, or listening to my audiobook, or if I go & sit on my couch, just to think a moment, perhaps about a post I've just read, & I nod off,having also put my feet up & am lying on my cushions there.

I'm often startled, realising what is happening. I wonder how can I do this but not drop off to sleep in my bed?

But on the bright side, the idea I had to take my morning eyedrop with my other morning meds, & coffee, is working pretty well. The time of the morning is anywhere from 8am, to 10 am, or later if I actually sleep it..... whether or not I nap during the day, I tend to wake between 3:30 am, & 5:00 am, & not get back to sleep. Or I might wake, get to sleep & wake late, like 9:00 or 10:00...

Sorry if this is a mess, I'm not typing well myself,& mistakes are so irritating to edit...irritating to let go of as well.

Still want to check out other threads tonight. Thinking of some more lovely people.

mmMekitty 😺

[Croix]

Dear mmMekitty~

You do not know Sumo Cat:)

In a affable mood he will allow himself to be stroked for a few seconds but that's it! Being extra large and with a magnificent set of whiskers allows him to believe he is on a plane above staff (feline talk for humans) and does not take kindly to liberties. A cat has standards to maintain you know.

He is actually 'busy' beside me at the moment.

I'm sorry to hear you are tired so often, it can make a lot of what one might like to do simply too taxing to contemplate.

It's not realy mess, the ideas come though fine

Happy browsing

Croix