Introducing mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear mmMekitty~

I guess I'm going to give you a 'common sense' response to your post. It may not do much as I'm talking against emotion and anxiety, things that don't really take that much notice. Maybe in time it might percolate in a bit

You are intelligent, empathetic and have a good heart. All wonderful qualities, not surprising as you are a nice person. You are however not good at drawing limits

We all have a sphere of influence, and good-heated people try - as Maxwell Smart says - "to use it for goodness and niceness". That's fine and as it should be

There are two difficulties

The first is things can affect us from outside out own sphere of control (which is pretty small in the scheme of things anyway). We can be affected by a landlord putting the rent up, by catching an illness, by your body letting you down, by .. well the list is endless

With such things there is no answer expect to live prudently, minimizing what threats we can and putting the rest to one side. Not listening to the news is one partial remedy you have found already, as to do otherwise is to subject oneself to an ongoing crisis of empathy with no possibility of action. It also reinforces a perception of a darker world

The other is to realise our sphere has limits, and to try to go beyond them stretches one too thin and is a recipe for failure. How do you think I manage, over 10,000 posts to umpteen different people, many of whom I was the first person to respond to. If I tried to keep in contact with all who remained here on the Forum there literally would not be enough hours in the day, and the quality of my hurried posts would plummet

So I have to arbitrarily ration my self, x posts per day max no matter what. Ok some people may not receive the attention they need and deserve, though I'm glad to say in many cases other champs and ordinary members off their own bat will step in to fill any gap

This is not me being cold-hearted or not valuing those people, it is me recognizing I can do more good for myself and others long-term by having self-imposed limits

You are the same, having an increasing number of people you would like to maintain contact with, and are suffering guilt because it is becoming impossible

This is all a bit blunt, but comes from many years experience. I'd love you to flourish and enjoy the Forum, gain satisfaction from it, not be beaten down by expecting more of yourself than is possible

As for your mind and body, you are not over your operation as yet!

Croix

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear mmMeKitty,...🤗..

Our lovely Croix has given you a great reply...

Please be gentle on yourself as well as be kind, caring and compassionate to you as well...

These forums have a no obligation rule in place....This is so people who are not up to posting don’t feel pressured....some leave for a few days, weeks, months, years or forever...they pass along into our lives and if we are lucky enough to meet them, then we are blessed...as we are all blessed getting to know you..

You’re not alone in questioning yourself when replying to posts....I am one of the worse ones for doing that...

Forum fatigue is so real....So is emotional burnout from being here....You are doing an amazing job here on the forums and you should be so proud of you... you have helped so many with your kindness and compassionate words which come from your heart.....It’s nearly impossible to reach out to everyone here...To reach out and help even one person is pure gold...and you’re doing that, plus many many more...

Please mmMeKitty...That kindness, care and compassion you give to others here...also give it yourself....you so much deserve it...You have no reason at all to feel guilty....The complete opposite sweet lady...you should feel proud that you are helping and doing as much as you are...and that is a lot...a lot of people who have been blessed to have you on their side...

Please...be gentle on you, take time for yourself each day, to be kind and compassionate to you...

My kindest thoughts with my care, love and hugs beautiful lady...🌹💜🤗🕊🌱.

Grandy..

[mmMekitty]

Thank you dears, Croix & Grandy, & anyone behind curtains, in the rafters, under the floorboards, under my kitchen sink (highly NOT recommended(), or under my desk, (also not recommended), for your kindness & considerate responses. I take as much care reading them as I do writing posts.

I do feel I'm pushing limits of what I can do - which is why I don't want to take on becoming a Volunteer, being a member of Blue Voices, or a Champion. - I'd feel more responsibility & obligation than I could deal with.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ 😺I just love tossing these ❤️❤️❤️around to see them landing in your hair!

mmMekitty

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear mmMeKitty, Waves Sir Croix👋...and all..

You are very much valued here on Beyond Blue....even without your VC badge or any other badge...you help a lot of people here with your kind, caring, compassionate and inspirational words...and to anyone at all that is pure gold sweet lady...

The most important thing to remember is to not push yourself to much...well not push yourself at at really...You need to care for yourself, be gentle and kind towards you..you are the most important person to give yourself too...first 🦋🕊...💜🤗..

If you are not well...then you could go down very easily by listening to something written here, which can trigger a depressive episode....and nobody wants that to happen to you....It’s happened to me..now I’m careful of who I reply to...and sometimes I feel bad, because I have lived experience of their situation...but their is always a champ, a VC or poster who does reply and help that person....There are so many beautiful caring members here.....

Please try hard to not overstretch your limits....We love and care for you so much and want you to get a feel good experience from these forums...not a feeling of self doubt or being hard on yourself because your unsure if your words help others....they do..

Please lovely mmMeKitty, look after you...take some time each day to do that...sit outside in nature...listen to a good book...or listen to some of your favourite music...anything at all that you like doing and makes you feel calm and peace inside..

Here if you need to talk Dear mmMeKitty...

My care, love and some bear hugs lovely lady..🕊💜🧸🤗.

Grandy..

[mmMekitty]

Hi everyone,

Today is another anniversary day - not just April Fools' Day - but the day I quit smoking in 1995! I am looking at all the money I have not spent on those horrible things which cause so much disease & misery, pain & death every year... I'm so grateful for having quit them & not looked back with barely a moment of yearning to take them up again.😹

Same goes for the alcohol, well, some of that did taste nice... but it ain't worth it either. I quit that shortly after, but I'm not exactly sure what day, as I am with the smokes. So, I've taken to celebrating both together , on this day. 😺

✉You are all invited! to my 'wowser' party!🎈

🐟🥔🥦🥧,🍪&🥛with 🎶🎹 & 🗨Yay!!😺

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear mmMekitty

Giving up the smokes is a pretty big deal, and although it was a different world when I started (they were still being issues to the armed forces in ration packs and were otherwise 'cool') I did not give up until a couple of years after you.

I recently had to buy some cigarettes for a person isolated by Covid and was horrified as to how much the cost. I wonder anyone can afford them. They were well over $1.00 each!

Ta for the invite, can the penguins🐧🐧🐧 and kiwis come too?

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Open house at my place tonight! 😺

I have had a look to see how much my old brand of smokes would cost me today... oh my! & I also came across a 'child resistant cigarette lighter' - what? So the lighter is made safe so someone can smoke near cigarettes around children? Like that makes it okay?

I am dumbfounded thinking how much of my fortnightly pension would go towards cigarettes & alcohol now, (were it even possible) & I was not a 'heavy' smoker, nor drinker, . I used to, for most of the twenty years I smoked, have 25 a day. &, looking at Coles online (where I'd most likely be getting them from, with my food shopping, I could easily spend more than half my pension with each shopping order, (every 10 days, on average).

& alcohol - no cheap stuff for me! While I drank, it had to a bottle of flavoured brandy. So, what does that stuff cost now? I hate to think.

Even my morning coffee & sweetener (not sugar) is getting to feel 'irresponsible', given the cost of these items, though these are not every shop order items.

I have heard about that business of giving troupes regular rations of cigarettes. Seems astonishing to me, now we know what harm smoking them can cause.

Sorry, Croix, I disagree about helping someone to smoke, or drink. I would have serious doubts about going for anyone's cigarettes (or alcohol), now, knowing the harm these things cause - COVID isolation - no, I don't think so. I really don't think I'd be doing them any favours.

mmMekitty

Aren't I a good wowser?! 😺

[Croix]

Dear mmMekitty

I saw a film once, I think it was called "Master and Commander" in which the captain illustrated a choice, I think it involved biscuits (though I could be wrong there) and advocated "The lesser of two weevils". Sometimes choices are not as clear-cut as one might suppose.

Whole I totally agree with you about the harm tobacco causes I guess in this instance you would have to have been there

Croix

[Croix]

Dear mmMeKitty~

Ta for the hearts from another thread, haven't got any fish today so have a pet penguin 🐧 (I've got lots thanks ot DB)

You mentioned a bit of brain fog I think the other day, hope you are back in good fettle

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hi Croix.,& everyone,

"Good fetle", what's that? I don't mean what a dictionary might tell me... I think I may never have known the feeling.

I had an email, in regards to legal stuff to do with my mother'w will, from my Uncle, who I have never met, who is assisting in the legal matters. For more than a year now, only the lawyer, my sis & he have known my chosen name, & kept the fact that this name is the one I'm using now. I ditched my original name almost 20 years ago. But my Uncle included all family members in an email, so my email & name appear alongside theirs.

My Uncle doesn't understand clearly why I wanted to preserve my privacy. I want NOTHING to do with at least two of my brothers, & have been worried if they had any contact details for me.

Because of the chosen name I have, Uncle thought I am transgender,too! What a mess... I've spent the majority of this evening into these early hours, composing an email to my sis & him, wanting to clarify. My sis knows a little, but not everything... but my Uncle, of-course, knows nothing of my past. He doesn't know why I want nothing of the two brothers.

The third brother could be in communication, & bring news to them, so I had not wanted to tell him anything, either, simply because we're not close, not then, & it seemed he was not interested in recreating any relationship later on. So, he knows nothing, not why to not pass on my contact details to whomever he likes....

It's brought up so much, so I've been churned up & feeling it.

I feel too tired to deal with it...but feel I must.

As tempting as it may be to go ahead & make up a story that turns me into my own partner, who is looking after my affairs for me... I, more deeply, feel I have had it up to my eyeballs with lies, deception & secrets, so I would rather risk what may not even eventuate if my brothers do now know my chosen name & email. My sis, wisely I think, thinks they won't even notice my name in the recipients of that email from my Uncle.

I couldn't have made this up for a work of fiction - were it the kind I'd write. 😼

🙀, 🙀now...💤

oh, z, z, ,z,

don't want to,

but I need to,

keep these things

in my head.

mmMekitty