Introducing mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi Croix

Yes he said there’s no harm to it and it’s a learned behaviour. He’s happy for me to do whatever I do to feel safe and prepared. Actually a lot of my behaviour is about getting out in front of situations.
Im a preprarer (not a word but should be) I look at facial clues and check the atmosphere to be alert for the unexpected. I make sure everyone has what they need and preempt there needs. The Boy Scouts have nothing on me. I also learnt how to fight and trained and did weight training. I feel more vulnerable now because of my age I no longer have that ability. I thought learning how to protect myself was a choice but now maybe it was my PTSD.

The moon boot is back on as usual I cherry picked what the surgeon said I am to work with physiotherapist to strengthen foot to transition to an ankle brace. I’m in pain again because I overdid it. I’m also supposed to ice and elevate and do strengthening exercises 2 or 3 times a day. My weights arrived yesterday and I’m starting home gym workouts. Getting to gym in Covid wasn’t working for me.

MC

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

Donating takes the sting out of replacing things and downsizing for me too. I try to have only what I need and donate the rest but I still end up with too much.

I can imagine how confusing and upsetting for you and your helper being in a hospital now with understaffing. It wasn’t great before.

I don’t feed the birds there’s so many bugs and spiders they have much to feed on. I chased a bird away yesterday that was trying to eat a baby lizard. Unfortunately they are being decimated by birds and cats and dogs. My dog likes birds lizards and cats and doesn’t interfere I open the door and tell him to chase the birds and he jumps around and barks and the hunting birds and cats know to ignore him. Useless. I’m also sick of the bird poo

im heading out to visit family again today and I went to supermarket and got food to take and spent too much money I nearly couldn’t get back to my car the pain was so bad and I was struggling to get food into my car and then I was wondering how I get trolley back to it’s spot and a young man said I’ll take that for you and took the trolley. I said thank you so much and got in my car and cried how lovely and then I had to get it inside when I get home. I took a bag at a time and it was so painful and exhausting but I did it. My good foot started to give out and I was limping bad. But I survived and I rang my husband from the car park after the nice guy helped and told him and he got angry at me for not using my crutches and for going shopping on my own etc. lol I just wanted to tell him about the nice man.
How are your wounds healing and what’s your next treatment will you have physiotherapist treatment

MC

[mmMekitty]

😺 Hi MC,

The man at the carpark did show you some compassion & kindness. That was nice.

I see, however, your hubby was expressing some concern, thinking you had maybe over-done it. You did achieve a lot, but when doing that causes you so much pain, I'm not surprised hubby could not care less about the man in the carpark, only thinking of how difficult doing that much shopping was, & perhaps feeling a little guilty he (hubby) wasn't doing the shopping with you?

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I want to confirm with the Physiotherapist that I do the exercises properly. If I know I'm doing them right, I'm more likely to do them as much & as often as recommended.

I never seem to remember when I'm supposed to begin the hormone therapy aspect. Feels embarrassing, but I will have to ask again.

I had thought hard bits along the scar were part of the stitches, but I had to ask my helper to look at one of the small wounds where fluid was drained last Tuesday, to see if it needed another bandaid put on it, & she said there is all these little scabby bits along the stitches. That'swhat has been causing some of the stingy pains in various places along there. Pointy ended little scabs! I think every puncture must be sealed up now, so I ought to be able to have a proper shower, now?! (Gentle spray). I know I am supposed to be reaching more now, but still not to my fullest extent. I can't adjust my showerhead, which has been slipping....

I'd still rather not have a broken foot, moon boot, crutches, brace, that you do.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

My stuff is whinging baby stuff and I’m not putting my struggle down at all. I have support and I’m very lucky and I know it.

Oh the wound does seem to be healing but not quite there yet. That prickling stinging discomfort you describe is a very uncomfortable stage of the wound healing. It’s still quite fragile and will need more time and patience and gentle care. Next time you go to GP maybe nurse can wash it down and clean it up a bit more. Skin will flake and scab and once scabs all gone then some wet bandages will help soften the scar. They use a silicone cream or strips and cover and it reduces scars so they soften. It’s very effective and newish advances in wound care. I think it’s old technology made new they used to use poultices and creams in the past.
I think it’s a good idea to make sure your doing exercise correctly first.
I don’t think anyone remembers their treatment dates or anything. It’s in one ear and out the other for everyone. It depends too on your recovery and it varies on who your doctor is too.
Just ask they know everyone forgets or gets nervous.

MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC,

I do feel very tight across the stitching, from one arm pit to the other, like wearing tight elastic aross my chest.

I did phone the hospital today, because they never did send me a confirmation SMS about tomorrow's appointment. They assure me it is tomorrow, at noon.

I know at some point I am supposed to use a cream to help soften the scar - & as usual, I don't know when to start doing that. I remember being shown to use a circular motion to gently massage with the cream.

The forecast for today was 32°, & I was feeling it. (I know that's not really so hot , but for me, where I am, we've had a mild summer),& warmer tomorrow & Wednesday, so today, I decided, because I think all the wounds are sealed, I was going to have a proper shower, slightly cool, to cool me, but more to feel cleaner. It felt so good!😻 I didn't turn the water full on, & let it flow over my shoulders on down my front, gently, so that worked out fine! 😺I even managed to wash my hair, albeit mostly using my right hand to do it.

It may be so very warm Wednesday, I won't to try Face Time with my PDr, just because I won't want to have a top on!

Because I have this tight elastic feeling across my chest, I, therefore, don't feel actually naked, more like I'm wearing a sleeveless 'boob tube' (lol! I couldn't keep one up if I wanted to, now), So, it does not bother me to talk on the phone wearing nearly nothing. Face to face, or if I do manage Face Time phone calls, I will feel obliged to wear something, just in case my phone slips, & shows more of me than my head. I feel that would be awfully embarrassing & perhaps even highly inappropriate, even though I have less on my chest than any (healthy) man. I wonder what my PDr would think if a male patient showed up either in person or on a video call, shirtless?

Agh! So much social conditioning! I don't think I could put it to the test. 😼

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MC, you say, "little baby whinging stuff", is that something like my sense of a little mmMekitten inside me, having complaints, wants, needs, words to say, feelings to express, things not allowed or available when I was mmMekitten's age, perhaps, an 'inner child'? these little ones do deserve our attention.

My little mmMekitten wants to unashamedly run around topless!😹

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

😂😂😂🐈 run around topless with the sprinkler going on a day like today. We have hot days with feels like 5-7 degrees hotter. So I’m under the fan today I fell asleep and snored loudly the heat is draining.
Im in isolation for 2 days. Waiting for a test results and I’m imagining symptoms more than likely but my nose was runny and I have a mild headache but I am stressed so that could be just normal for me. I will be surprised if I am positive I’m so isolated but I had contact with a positive case.

The tight band sounds unbearable 😨 seriously time for some break time.

can they write notes for you. I could never remember when what and why. I honestly couldn’t tell you when any of my appointments are I need them to send me messages.

I hope visit today went well and you got some information and some reassurance. I find getting confirmation and exacting answers really help recovery. When I’m unsure of what is needed and what I should be doing I feel worse.
MC

[mmMekitty]

Today turned into a day about the best I could say was that I was in air-conditioning, freezing though it was. My helper & I arrived shortly before noon.

Today, while I saw another Dr, who couldn't manage to drain off much fluid at all, so she thinks it's not fluid building up in my chest. & speaking to her, saying since Friday night I've had a little pain in the left side of my chest, directly below my arm pit. After describing she thought I might have a blood clot forming in there, & said my best course of action would be to go to Emergency, (again), get a CT scan.

My helper had to wait out in the foyer again.

RAT (negative), ting, then going for an x-ray, then back to another small room, where I was hooked up to monitoring machines, then a while later, I had an ECG done then waiting, somesaid they'd find some sandwiches for me. Forty minutes later, blood was eventually extracted from me - as if I was stone! later, Someone said they would see about getting a tray for me, 5:45pm, & waiting, then I was taken for a CT scan,& taken back to wait still some more. Finaly I got a report to take to my GP, (tomorrow). After all of that, they didn't find anything of significance.

We didn't leave until 7pm.

I was feeling hungry enough to get something at a McDonald's drive thru.

*

Anyway, MC, while you wait for test results, why not have a go at every good strategy you know to distract you from those fearful thoughts.

Here's a thought: have you drawn pictures on your moon boot?

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I ask my helper to make notes. Many places, my GP & the hospital, usually send an SMS about forthcoming appointments. They were supposed to do that when they were sure of the time of my appointment today, but didn't.

I've tried using the voice recording app on my phone, but it is not so easily accessed, & the messages may not be a s clear because of background noise.

I used to have a little portable book reader, which had a one button record function. It was quick & simple to use & retrieve messages. It broke & was unrepairable.

I sometimes forget to check that I have noted appointments, where I want: in my own Word doc 'calendar' - a list of appointments , who, what, why where & when & even how.

*

My chest feels restricted, but that's mostly okay. I would like to feel I could fully stretch out again.

*

Work on your happy place. Drink water. & I hope, sleep well.

❤️☮️ 🧸🌷🌻 💤🌅

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

Sounds like day in the salt mines to me. The only positive I can see from your ER nightmare the thoroughness of your check up. CT scan blood tests done.

Note to mmMekitty pack sandwich and drinks and a biscuit for next visit.

Test came back negative for me so I’m off to physiotherapist today. I don’t like him but I don’t like physiotherapists. I have nothing to paint my moon boot with and I’m not very arty. I have had a total failure at my happy place exercises. Can’t get there even for a second. I will keep trying trouble is I’m either too distracted or 1 time I fell asleep. 🤣

Hopefully today you can rehydrate and rest at home after your exhausting day. Did the maccas taste better because you were hungry.

🦄🦄🦄 3 magic unicorns to use for next hospital appointment.
MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC,

Good news about your test.😺

Yes, indeed, that's great idea. I don't really think of packing a lunch, because it is so rare that I cannot get something to eat when I am out & about anymore. But, yes, when going to the hospital, I may as well carry one more thing. (I already carry some water, but because rest rooms are not always conveniently located to where I am, I don't tend to do more than have an occasional sip)

GP was happy, too. I'm still stewing ... a bit.... though having results tha show nothing significant is sort of helpful. Nothing obviously terrible, but not discovering what this symptom could be...oh, well, all I can do is wait & hope it resolves itself, or gets bad enough so whatever it is can be discovered!

Sometimes I wonder how bad something has to get before the GPs or other Drs take it seriously, because it is finally so obvious they cannot NOT recognise there is really something wrong.

What is the exterior of the moon boot made of? Would a marker pen work? You can draw crooked stars, hearts, & smiley faces, Maybe even copy me: 😺, (Croix could be a challenge, though, there being no emoji walruses...) or🐶, 🐦, or 🐸 or some little🌷🌼🌻, or a 🌞, whatever you like. You could even write on the sole, then walk all over those words! (I can imagine some words I'd like to trod on - but I'll leave you to choose your own)

As for Maccas: No, but at least I did not have to begin to cook when I got home. That's what made it worth while. If it happens again, I'd try somewhere else.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

For me I found finally at the end of a terrible treatment with lots of complications that were mostly ignored and if it landed me back in hospital then a kind of judgment that I was doing something wrong to cause. Long sentence take a breath. Well I was told these things happen and you’re going to live not everyone is as lucky as you and then they praised me about how well I had done. One clinic nurse said to me we thought you were drinking and that’s why you had complications. I was so very angry and incensed and then a nurse friend explained that they can’t predict how our bodies will respond to surgery or chemo and they are just happy when you do ok. They try and listen and they also try and keep you positive. Hopefully the swelling or fluid will dissipate and no further drainage needed.

my much hated physiotherapist has really helped me I can walk so much better. When they start digging into backs of calf’s absolutely agony I was sweating buckets. Now I have this hard roller I have to do it myself. I have a hard ball for my feet to stretch instep. I have planters fasciitis and it’s stopping me from walking evidently. I think I’ve had that for a long time. So bright side of breaking my foot I’m getting other stuff fixed and it’s making me exercise. I have a Kmart exercise ball and weights and I do my 20minutes of weights and I’m feeling a bit stronger already. I also have the feet exercises and ice treatment so it’s all about me and getting better physically.

It would be good if you could get lymphatic massage they are a very light touch not deep tissue and I know you don’t like being touched but it’s really good. Everything is expensive though and you’ve already incurred extra expenses. Even going to appointments costs.

MC