Introducing mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC, & all

I had Plantar Fasciitis & had tried several things to help/treat the condition. None seemed to work. Eventually I just put up with it. then, years later, I was told, 'Oh, you don't have that anymore!'

*

Especially in the public health system, people see too much, & become cynical, & make judgements about everyone, overall, not meeting, greeting & getting to know individual, & treating us as individual people anymore.

Also I find, when I present with a problem, how quickly it must be a problem with being over-weight. So often now, the first questions are about my weight & diet, then exercise.

I acknowledge exercise is a problem, which I need help with, but so long as I am experiencing more pain with every minute of exercise, it seems rather pointless to insist that all I need to do is exercise.

*

As much as I don't like being touched, I have had to accept quite a bit of it, from lots of different people. When I go to the hospital, I don't get to choose who I see, whether they are nurses or doctors, or allied health workers. Even for the short time I was having a nurse coming to my place to change the drainage bags & check &/or replace dressings, I saw at least 6 different nurses for that alone. I guess I'm getting used to it.

Often people think & act as if it is easier to push, pull, & prod me to go where they need me, rather than taking the time to explain what they need. & it is quicker, I agree. I just don't like my body being pushed around, treated like a mannequin,, posed & positioned for their comfort.... part of me wants to scream. while another says, let's get on with it, &it will be over soon. I rarely manage to say anything, to even get them (sometimes) to be more gentle, like on my left shoulder. (which still is so tender)

If I don't stop long enough to think about it, I do get through these examinations, x-rays, etc more quickly. But I get cranky later for not saying anything when I was feeling uncomfortable.

I want to say something, to feel I have some control over what is happening to my body. Now there seems so much going on that is out of my control, I am wanting some, a little token of control, I guess.

The control I want seems: it's not so much to ask, is it? But I've felt unable to ask, as if it is too much to hope for, & I'd be making things too hard, take too long, be too inconvenient - for them! & there it is; I am considering their needs before my own.

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear MK anbd MC

Cant' talk to much this evening, sorry

First you both on the right a, a happy place if you wish to call it that id a simple mental trick to place you somewhere else , somewhere you have good vibes inside -y ou can have may, and you are both on the right track,

I'm sorry I can't talk more this evening, a purely physical problem. due to pain I cannot give you a reasoned post - my regrets.

You both have more control than you believe, I have every confidence you will both end up in a life with more sun that you believe possible at the moment

MK I can give you a decade and change - you young whippersnapper 🙂

Croix

[mmMekitty]

😸No need for reasoned posts, especially when you can't focus your attention where you might prefer. I welcome your posts, no matter what you say, or how you say it, typos & all.

If I am a whippersnapper (a funny looking fish/eel thing?), then you are a Fogey, (not quite Bogey)!😺

*

I got to thinking about my Sis last night, eventually, while I was having another re-think about the idea I have had, that I would like to live totally independently of people, in an isolated place, away from everyone & everything.

It's a pipe dream, you know, up in smoke in moments. It is simply impossible.for me to do everything I would need to do to sustain my life without people doing things for me. I realise, I'm no gardener for a start. Hunting would be even more unlikely a way to feed myself.

There's a lot of people out there, from farmers to the delivery drivers dropping my groceries at my door. There's the people who keep these businesses operational as well.

& for my physical/psychological health, there are many people supporting me too, from building maintenance workers, to the people I actually interact with, such as the Doctors & Nurses at the hospital, & my own GP & PDr. ...

& the people providing the means by which I communicate, phone, internet, & the many places linked, like Centrelink, Medicare, NDIS, state housing, my bank, my other service providers, my helpers... so many people I never meet, doing what they do to keep the systems running (flawed they may be, but we have something better than nothing).

& so much more...

then I realised I hadn't thought to recognise my Sis, how her support is so valuable, how she has forgiven my long absence from her life, how she is so kind & willing to help me so much, to get certain legal matters settled. She has taken 1.5 hours to drive to pick me up so we could go get some papers signed, by someone she found online, & then another 1.5 back. In all, it was closer to 4.5 hours out of her day. She had sone this a few times now.

I'm so grateful to her, her kindness & generosity, her caring & warmth. It feels too much sometimes. I don't know if what I feel is 'love'. She says 'love you', & I'm not sure how to respond. She has wanted to hug me, & I am not sure I welcome that, even from her.

I'm sure I don't myself to feel so much for someone. It is a frightening thing to allow myself to be so emotionally vulnerable. Exposing my feelings, speaking them, has been so scary.

Like or not, I do need people, near & far.

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear mmMekitty~

I found my 60's marked a change, I improved greatly, took more control of my MH conditions and became more comfortable with my (lessening) limitations, and with other people. I would hope the same for you

You may not know if you love or not, and that can be confusing and leave you feeling you are in some way lacking -which is not the case. May I suggest than rather than analyzing your feelings, leaving you in doubt, do what I am sure you do already, and that is analyzing your sister's feelings and give her what she needs, be it an affirmation of love, or receiving a hug wiht the appearance of pleasure.

It may seem to you to be insincere or even dangerous, however I don't really think it is , it's just your previous injuries have put up a bar in the way.

You have listed all the practical ways people help you to live as you do, and all are no doubt correct, however even if you needed none of them I suspect you would find other interactions are surprisingly needed, from a laugh with a carer, an audience ot vent to, an author of a book or podcasts - and more.

Being a hermit is possible for some, however you take such an active part right here on the forum I'd hesitate to say it was the right path for you, I know it would not be for me.

Croix (the (old) fogey:)

[mmMekitty]

Hello, Croix & all,

Update: Finally I have begun hormone blocker medication - at least for the next five years, maybe up to ten years! Here I was thinking five years was the usual length of this treatment, not the minimal length. There are a few alternate meds I could use if any unbearable side-effects arise. Far too early to know if I will have any side-effects, let alone those potentially unbearable ones. I have tended to tolerate meds for other thing pretty well, so hopefully thes will be okay, too.

I got more exercises to do, too. Stretching type of exercises, now. & I can also use a moisturising cream - a very basic type, no perfume, etcetera. The one I bought is good; it's not greasy at all.

*

Thank you Croix. I didn't get around to mentioning all the voices of people I listen to, via radio, occasional podcast, tele, online, authors, musician/singer/songwriters, so many, - I was running out of allowable characters! The more I think, the more there are.

There are a few who do feel known to me. & it's a sadness to me not to hear new music, or hear their voices on radio, & some will be missed when they will, in their time, leave the airways, or stop releasing new music or books. some people have been very important in my life, more than I can possibly say here.

I was rather shocked when Robin Williams reported the death of Andrew Ollie on The Science Show. I barely recalled hearing the fellow's name, & I felt more strongly than I would have imagined prior to that announcement.

What is odd to me is that I know I felt a some loss just knowing Joni Mitchell would not be recording anymore, & I can't view her artwork as I once did, & now she is getting on, you know, I dread the day when an announcement is made about her. I will feel a great loss then.

But I didn't feel anything when I heard my father had died, & very little about my mother's death. For different reasons, I simply felt any closeness had dissipated long ago.

& please don't go thinking this is even a little morbid! I'm not intending that at all.

*

😸Hey, MC, how are you?❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

mmmmm Give some ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ to spouses, Mr MC & Mrs C!

mmMekity

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

Were did I go I seem to have disappeared for a day or two. I do that I think I zone out. Lights are on no one home.

Good you have physical therapy and you have entered the final stages of your treatment. Does that sound positive it was meant to be.

So many are gone and we are all here soldiering on. Joni Mitchell her voice is still in my head. David Bowie lives on in my mind I can see him and hear his music. They and so many have left a legacy.

I dream of a little isolated house on the beach but it’s handy having the support of a big city. I can fantasise though and now that fantasy is a tiny seaside village in Thailand away from tourists and shopping at street stalls drinking fresh coconut. While reality is concrete trucks cars and barking dogs and rude neighbours. 😂

MC

[Croix]

Dear mmMeKitty~

I saw your post just now, a little briefer than some, but helpful to the poster nevertheless. I'm hoping you are becoming less overwhelmed by this place and can resume seeing it as almost a home at times. The people here that hold you in regard and care are not sounds in your test-to-speech, or even just text, they are human and very real.

Yes, there is a sense of loss when an artist you hold in high esteem ceases work or passes away and you know there will be no fresh works to enjoy, appreciate and help you though life.

Even so it is not like a person's memories as referred to in the quote:

.. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain...

As each leaves behind a body of work that has it's own life in a way. Both Sides,Now is a remarkable insight into the human condition - and ever more shall be so

As we age those we are familiar with drop away, but since being on this forum I've been introduces to so many new artists that I can get a sense of continuation. I'd never heard of Tom Waits for example, now his God's Away On Business and Chocolate Jesus are works I play often.

Croix

[Croix]

Are there any LRKs around?

I have been wondering how you are going, if the operation has settled down and you have enough support to start to regain the independence you value.

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hi Croix & MC,

Online again, I hope! 'm still waiting for the modem...

I've been doing my exercises, sort of, as much as I can, but not in two blocks of time, but more like six shorter blocks. I got to get up, wander round my flat, doing some stretches as I do, or while cooking, or when I lie down, & when I shower.

The Physio at the hospital showed me the lymphatic massage, (which MC had mentioned), & I did wonder about it, so had done a quick Google about it, & wasn't sure it was a therapeutically proven technique, but I guess it won't do harm either. If it does help to drain lymph fluid then fine, especially if it seems to reduce the swollen area on my chest.

*

Oh too tired to write more sensibly...🙀, no nana nap today.

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear mmMekitty~

You are indeed on-line again 🙂

Amazing what a difference a dud modem can make, NBN-=No Broadband Now.

Doing exercises piecemeal is what I do, hurts too much otherwise and my breath gets too short. I do finish eventually.

"Tears in the rain" comes from one of my favorite movies, deals with the de-personalisation of slaves and the flowering of humanity in a very convincing grungy future world.

I hope the massage is beneficial

Croix