I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.
The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.
As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.
I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.
I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.
I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.
I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.
I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.
I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.
I have revealed somewhere, I am over the half-way mark no matter howoptomistic one might imagine - I'd be breaking Guinness World Records if I was just on the ha;f-way point in my life. MOre like two-thirds, if I am reasonably optimistic about my life span.😸well past menopause, pretty much asexual, & not interested anymore.
What she said about reconstructive surgery sounded so big & risky, I am quite certain I will be getting them removed.
I will try prosthetics, nothing bid, & see what I feel then, whether I keep using them or not. It'smy over all body shape, as it is, I imagine a sloping down from my neck to abdomen, like a great hillside, rounding off at the bottom like a beer gut. That's not a body shape I aspire to.
If I was still very thin, there is no question, I wouldn't bother with prosthetics at all. When I was thin I could find bras that would fit better, & were lighter, & more comfortable than what I find now. I hate them now.
Like my hearing aid, I just won't bother while I am at home. I'm sure of that.
She had said I could get bras made for the prosthetic insert, & if what I've seen online is what I'd have, they look bulky, & potentially uncomfortable. & every two years I can get more of these 'forms' free via a gov. scheme. (like hearing aids & glasses & other things).
Oh, & she said the recommendation for anyone diagnosed with breast cancer, no matter what the treatment course, is to get aCOVID-19 booster/3rd dose, (however you think of it), as soon as they can. Now, our Gov has said we can have it 5 months from the day when we had the 2nd dose, I will be due for mine at about the same time as my surgery should be scheduled. I think I'd like it before, so I will need to talk to my GP about that soon, get myself booked in for that.
"sloping down from my neck to abdomen, like a great hillside, rounding off at the bottom like a beer gut."
Typical, having a subtle dig at the svelte form of a walrus.
I'm glad you waiting is over, this has always been the worst part for me and now your rather sensible decision making process has something to work on.
Like Hanna3's friends my MIL had two radical mastectomies and lived for very many years, apparently quite OK, so it may well be something with a high success rate.
With that 5 month stay between your second injection and your booster I'd not be sure which way to jump. I'll be having mine shortly and I'll let you know if there are any side effects, with my first two I noticed nothing. I guess talking to your doctor is best.
Haiku is hard to write, maybe in your next poem you might change free verse for haiku instead, getting the 5-7-5 syllables and oblique references right can be as distracting as formulating the words in a normal stanza
a little red cat
planning stealthily for mice
a small breeze distracts
Croix (who is shopping for a neck brace:(
A neck brace? That'll hold up all the thinking!
I had a call today, while my helper & I were shopping. I actually found some brightly coloured shirts, men's wear, a bright yellow, a mid, but full-on deep sky blue that matches a skirt I have, & a reddish salmon , that of-course looked better in the shop, & a couple pairs of pants, one light grey & the other is black. & I have a pair of low slip-on shoes, which are mauve, to wear in hospital & around my flat. Not good for extended wear, after while wearing an hour my toes were going numb & a little tingly. Shoes are such a problem. But these will be good in the hospital....
Which was what the call was about. Even before I have a date for the pre-op clinic, I have a date for my surgery. & it's January 4. 2022.! I am all nervous excitement.
I am thinking my chest may look collapsed, & gravity is really pulling everything it can, seeing if all my flesh can reach my kneen & beyond one day...not about you at all.
I had a thought today, when we were talking about her having a swimming pool at her (& hubby's) new home, which they are moving to soon, too, & I thought, since I'll have nothing to cover, can I go swimming topless, because, how could that be considered 'indecent exposure', when I will have nothing to expose!?? I laughed, & laughed., realising, I am accepting this large change to my body more easily than I am changing what sort of styles of clothes I've bought, because styles I want are simply not available.
My heart burns to ash
Holding this dark, hot purring
Ember in my hands
Written by Jamie Fleck/mmMekitty 2019
I did write a post and deleted it. I know definitely what I would do but facing it myself who knows I might not do what I think now. The what if’s are often just abstract and in reality what is decided is just a fast torrent of events and situations that overtake us.
Im such a baby in my journey back to life all I can offer is some 🦢 🦆🦜🦜🦜 to stalk and some frogs to listen to 🐸🐸🐸🐸 I found these cracking away in our down pipes and my husband said they are too noisey. I love the loud bullfrog it reminds me of summer holidays
Thanks Mum Chris,
I love all the birds & frogs. It's been a long time since Iheard a frog in the early evening, calling out, telling us some rain was on the way. The sky would have already clouded over, so we already had an idea, but it was when we heard the frog/s we knew for sure. 😸
Take care, being kind & gentle with yourself. I would like to know how you went with your first meeting with your new psychologist. I hope felt comfortable with him, & might already have feel you could work with him. At this time of year, I suppose he, too, will be away for a while over the next month, so you'll have time to consider your initial impressions.
I have a CD of various Australian Frog Calls, 71 of them! Some you would not credit are frogs, except the recordings were done by people who know. I'm going to find out what sort of frogs you have sent me. 😺 Gotta name what I'm catching, eh? A dietitian might want to know one day.
Same goes for the birds. I want more than whether they quack or screech or chirp.
I'm getting nervous about the numbers of people getting infected with the new Omicron variant of COVID-19, while restrictions are continuing to be relaxed. I'm thinking I want to be more cautious, still, & wonder if my PDr might re-consider whether to re-open his practice to face-to face consultations in the new year, as he has planned. I wonder if he's thought about it, or if I will have to wait for a message about it while he's on his long break. I'm imagining we won't be meeting face to face for a while yet.
I'll be talking to him later today, & then he's away.
71 frogs wow.
Psych visit was so promising he was so concise and clear and he made sense. Don’t remember much but he says I need more work and skills before he can get to EMDR therapy because I’m still quite vulnerable he also discussed hospitalisation if I wanted. I won’t see him till his first day back 10th January. I just got out of hospital from leg and I’m comfortable at home.
Cleaner came and made my house clean and tidy and the veranda is clean and ready for me to enjoy. I’m inside still but it looks nice out there.
I must be doing better the big smelly dog has moved from my side and is enjoying some alone time.
I think many will rethink contact visits and make available Telehealth options again. It’s a catch-up game we are playing. I’m going to wear mask in shopping centres still
I’m watching birds and bugs outside they are so busy hunting food and surviving.
This all sounds so promising, Mum Chris, even the big smelly dog - he's a wonder,😻& seems to care so much., but yes, it's good he's not all over you.
I think this psychologist sounds like a very conscientious fellow, who has your best interests foremost in his mind. Don't be concerned about not remembering everything, as I'm sure he'll be glad to go over anything you think you missed or don't understand.
I think the next few weeks are a perfect time for you to take to recuperate, &, you are entitled to time to yourself & your needs. But if you feel you need to justify refusing to cater to anyone else's needs, just point to your foot & say 'no'. You need say nothing more.
This is Mum Chris time!
I've got an update. I've now got my Pre-Op Clinic appointment for next Tuesday, 21st December, at 8a.m. My helper might have to phone me early to be sure I'm am ready to go on time.
& they said the Pre-Op Clinic appointment could take 4-5 hours!
It really starts to feel real when appointments are made!
I'm sure lots of questions, more forms, weights & measures, but 4-5 hours? That's a crowded place at a public hospital, & I, as you know, can't wear a mask There's nothing I can do about that.
mmMekitty 😺(with a few nerves, I suppose.) I'll be phoning my PDr in 1.25 hrs & let him know & no doubt, talk about these feelings.)
I had a giggle point to foot say no 😂😂😂
Oh no masks well hand sanitizer and something to keep you amused 4-5 hours I expect a lot of sitting and waiting. I hope you are at the front of the line. Someone needs to invent a wide brimmed hat with screen all around like ones made for savage mozzies and flies that can be worn instead of a mask.
I suspect you, Mum Chris, are another who does not say 'no' easily, even when you know it would be in your best interest to do so.
Right now, you have a very real need to put your needs above all others.& you don't have to explain or justify. From a place of safety, just say 'no'. It may be very difficult, make you scared, may even trigger stuff, but in the long run, you are doing this for you, your health & establishing some boundaries.
Maybe you cant imagine dealing with a major need to take a stand on, so try a smaller need of yours, when you know, if you said 'no', you would benefit more than if you said 'yes'.
Any thoughts about this? If you don't like it, Please, tell me! I can stand for you to disagree with my idea.😸
Please, does this 🕊 look like a white dove on your screen?
On my screen, which I have set up to show a dark background & pale font, my 🕊 appears dark with a light outline.
❄ on my Word Document turns up blue, but not here. None of the others appears coloured in my Word Documents, I think, because I begin with one of the high constrast themes, which I have modified.
Hey Croix, how's nature out there tonight?
Hi mmKitty and all reading,
I've not wandered around the forum for a while, I have only been sticking to a few threads. I came across your story here.
I'd like to thank you for sharing your story so openly and boldly. I've not had breast cancer but have known some women who have. One lady decided to have both breasts removed and stated it was the best thing she ever did as she no longer had those frontal protrusions getting in the way!
My Mum had one breast removed and asked them to reduce the size of the other one. Another friend had great delight in returning home after a day at work and being able to hang her fake boobs on the back of the door to lighten her load so to speak.
I hope the pre appointment day goes well for you. kind regards from Dools