Introducing mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

I do know with permission you can record on your phone what the drs and nurses are telling you with their permission. I can tell you for sure that it’s very common for people to zone out during visits and not remember anything when a serious prognosis is involved.
Also Drs and the nurses forget what they say too. You may get told a variety of things that contradict so buckle up put on your helmet and let the storm pass.
You can also take a small notebook and write date time who’s talking to you and take notes. You can refer back during visits. It’s been my experience that they will argue with you if you question mixed messages. I thought I was going crazy but took hubby to each visit for a month and he had to stop coming because he was getting angry at the mixed messages and that when questioned they’d say no didn’t say that your confused. Once I realised they are overworked have too many patients I was ok with their babble. Lol. The majority of the information was same it was mostly timelines and treatment schedule they’d stuff up. The care and support was awesome and the drs and nurses really make you a priority.
I have the fractured family issue too it’s sad and disappointing and I envy big caring loving families. I tried to make my own and failed miserably just managed to create another generation of isolated people that were toxic for each other.
I have a sweet brother and a sweet daughter and a mildly annoying husband and a very close like my mum stepsister so I’m luckier than some but a close family member by marriage died and funeral was last week and interstate so I couldn’t attend and I was informed that the picture of me was removed from the family photos that were showing during the funeral. I cried for her loss and for not being able to be there to support my family but also because one person cut me out as if I didn’t exist.
Family alienation even if it’s your choice is really damaging and hurtful.
Sending a warm chocolate drink with cream and as soon as I find that magic wand a wish your way
🥰

[mmMekitty]

Hello Mum Chris, & everyone,

No news yet.

Asking for my own needs is something I still have a lot of difficulty doing. I know this has a lot to do with my needs being dealt with as if they weren’t really important. It became scary to even ask for anything, even things not actually for me.

For example, I was given the responsibility of putting out the milk bottles, & money owed for fresh milk. I was too afraid to ask my parents for the money, & so I got into trouble when the milkman came around specifically to ask for it.

I had hoped that between my helper & I, we’d remember the important information.

When something serious comes along, I soon feel incompetent & incapable & the whole thing seems quite beyond me. I can feel my mind just wanting to shut down.

*

I had to do a lot of editing last night & today.

What you said about the funeral you could not attend – I’ so sorry for that. It is so painful when you want to be there, when you need to be there, I should say. Last night, some of what I removed in order to fit the character count, was about my friend from my teenage years.

My father told me in a letter dated on my birthday, some people had died, & she was one on his list, who had died, of cancer, he said, & that it was too late for me to go to the funeral, because he didn’t have my contact details (in fact he did). It was so insensitive, how he’d not recognised the friendship we’d had over those years, just telling me like it was a brief mention in a newspaper. This & how he’d responded to my disclosure about past events, was what made any further relationship with him impossible.

My friend was just 36 years old, when she died.

It would never have become an easy relationship, not with his mindset & expectations. I could not be his ‘little girl’ or his maid/servant whenever I visited, & he would never phone or visit me. We kids were all supposed to gather to him.

The past was the past, & whatever happened, happened, & he was not going to talk about it either.

I know my father & mother both came from fundamentalist Christian backgrounds, which they rejected, & their families in turn, rejected them, too.

More generations of unhealthy family relations. It really does seem very common. It’s so sad.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

Finding voice is very hard but you have such great awareness about it. I suppose it’s like learning a trumpet in the beginning not everything comes out right. I don’t know about you but when I rebelled and wouldn’t fall into the shadows my family cast me as the problem. My way of dealing with them was to get as far away as possible. I never blamed my mother but she had neglected me and not given me love or affection and stood by while I was criticised and bullied by family members.
Denying your stake and feelings in your friends death is very cruel and hurtful. That’s it it’s terrible and painful. Sorry very awful behaviour My father saw us as extensions of himself and our job was to make him proud. Heaven help you if you didn’t.
I relate to being afraid to ask for what you need and I had that too. Friends had texts colours and I was to afraid to ask my father for them. I used to rehearse it in my head then not speak out. My therapist talked a lot about having the air taken away and how some people are skilled at doing that so it’s impossible to speak. She said it’s a safety mechanism losing your voice keeping quiet you are being safe it’s your safety. So not a bad thing. You were a smart kitty and kitty kept herself safe. Better 1 blow up about money than many. I can see it being always the wrong time and an issue about you asking for money. They know milk bottles need money too to get refilled you were set up to fail.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Mum Chris,

I didn't see my birth mother since I was 4yrs old, I don't recall her at all. My father married my (ex-)stepmother maybe a year or so after. maybe sooner, I'm not sure. He had his kids, she had hers, & we became bigger than the Brady Bunch. (but not the happy family they imagined we would, at least, appear to be).

My (ex-stepmother had not a single nice thing to say to me. Lots to criticise, to belittle, denigrate, but nothing to encourage or support or to build you up, very often disappointed, embarrassed, exasperated, & disgusted with us. & my father let her do this. He was the one to deliver physical punishment. He also did indeed set up situations where you could look stupid, or fail, or embarrass yourself, having exposed some weakness or simply to make you the butt of his little joke. He didn't offer, 'I love you', but wanted us to frequently agree with "you love me, don't you?", as if he is only seeking to reassure himself.

& one of my (ex-)stepsisters was the loud one amongst us,& she had to be pretty loud. She was one of the many kids who teased me from grade 8, she led a group, or gang, if you like.

I was the quiet one, in the corner, trying to keep my head down, trying to not be noticed. I observed rather than participate. (or that was a little dissociation on my part?)

Then there was my eldest brother. Reinforcing the idea that staying silent was a better option. Just get it over with & I zoned out.

At no time were we a cohesive family.

This is by no means the whole story. I can't even piece all the fragmented memories I have together into a basic timeline.

My voice was burried, shouted down by my (ex-)stepmother, overlooked by my father, silenced by my brother, & my friend & I had secrets we never spoke aloud. The truth was there, though, like the smell of alcohol on her father's breath. I could go & see her & 'pretend' he had done nothing to either of us or her sisters.

I don't know where kids find the ability to hide like I did, or to persevere & fight to protect like she had. To get through what we did, Mum Chris , you too, is really astonishing to me.

In my efforts to put together that timeline, I realised how much I'd gone through, thinking, how I might not have. It was so close.

I've found a voice in my head that I'd like to emulate when I speak. Not there yet, but my PDr doesn't mention that I'm speaking too quietly so much now. My best voice is in my writing.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

Theres always a predator nearby an unprotected child doesn’t matter where you are they live and breathe close by.
I was a bit scrappy and would fight back against my half sister and brother and that would mean my mother (also their mother) would tell my father and out would come the belt. Not one but so many strikes on a tiny bare bottom that I’d think I was going to pass out then no food. No one in our Brady bunch was allowed to speak to me I was in my bed and silent. Mum used to laugh when they said nasty things to me and she never said nice things to me. She told someone she didn’t want me to get a big head because people used to stop her in the street and say what a beautiful girl I was. When she remarried her husband joined in and they all called me fat uggly and stupid. I was none of those things but I feel fat uggly and stupid. I ran away from home and they called police and brought me back but not back home they wanted me in juvenile custody and the police said there’s nothing wrong with her she’s a good kid and forced them to take me home.
I suppose there’s no real way to fix the past and only a way to rise above it. I went downhill into drugs and totally destructive lifestyle and I really didn’t want to participate in life at all. Then I did get my life together and my stepsister who I’d never lived with and was older saved my life and her and her mum took me in and treated me like a fun family member. I was very lucky

Not everyone has a person like that. You said your sister reconnected with you and is helping how is that relationship going.

im going to stop looking for that magic wand so can’t offer a special wish but can offer understanding and admiration on how fantastic you are doing. The amount of sweet and sensitive support you have given me Back at you 10 fold. I’ll also share some of my loud voice to stand your ground and be heard.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Mum Chris, & a huge thank you, for your support.

I know, no magic wand.

For a while, when I was little, I believed wishes could come true. It seemed to me, some little wishes did, like wishing it would snow overnight so we didn't have to go to school, seemed to happen a few times. It was Winter, after all, so I should not've been surprised..😸

Shortly before coming to Australia, there had been discussion about where in the world we might go. I wished we could go to a place where I would have to learn another language. My father & (ex-)stepmother decided upon Australia. When we arrived, I couldn't understand what people were saying, not even newsreaders, who used to speak better than average. It may as well been another language. So, I thought my wish had come half true.

My own sister & I have been focused onthe legal stuff concerning our mother's will, & despite her saying she would like to talk about & share memories of our childhoods, she has shared little. I wrote a few long emails, beginning with the small fragments of memories, some of wich are actually good, & wondering how to bring in the difficult stuff. I realise she has not got a clear idea of how bad things had been for me. & I don't know the full extent of her own experiences either.

There was a contradiction of ideas from my parents, whereby, on one hand we were supped to know where our sibs were & what they were doing, & on the other, what was being discussed, or happening between one or both parents & another sib was none of our business. Our family did not share troubles, even to support individuals having a tough time.

I saw that more when I into my teenage years, especially following my own crises. When I ran away it was, let's make a joke of it, but not really talk about it, & the other, well, I was explicitly forbidden to talk about that & if asked why I had been in hospital, to say 'I was sick', & nothing more.

I don't think they could imagine what that meant to me.

Big hugs to your step-sister & her mum, for taking you in. You're right, not many people would do that, & treat you well too. 😺

Someone put forth the idea that a child can survive if they have even one person in their young lives, who cares & supports them. These people save lives. I think now, I had my best friend & her mum, a couple teachers, & the social worker in the hospital, without whom, I feel I would have had nothing supporting me during those years.

Now, a break to take in some water!

mmMekitty 😸

[Croix]

Dear mmMeKitty or Little Red Cat (whichever you prefer)~

Ironic, you gave another a choice on what they wished to be called.

I'm posting here because it is your thread and you are having deep conversations with others in theirs.

I think your offer to keep on helping TheBro says an awful lot about you, the person you are. And I agree with you, you do not 'fight' cancer, or anything similar. It does as you say partly put the onus back on the person who is ill, but I think goes further to a basic inbuilt need to control one's destiny -obviously a fantasy very often .

I'm sure you will make all the rational choices, it's all you can do, though perhaps being kinder to some than they might deserve, so there is no real need for me to mention it, and yes I know you are frightened. If I could hold your hand/paw I would, as it is I can just mentally sit beside you.

There is one thing I found, grasp every opportunity you can right now.You are the same person wiht the same potential and do not need to have regrets for things you could have done.

You have some rare gifts

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hey Croix, you are welcome here anytime! Be hard to stop you - imagine my little red cat's claws getting anywhere with that walrus hide of yours! I don't think so. Maybe I get them upgraded? 😼

As usual, questions people have, have a way of getting me thinking. The Bro's question certainly had, too.

Talking there will help me to clarify my own thoughts about how I want to be treated, now I have a very good reason to consider The Bro's question from my own present view point, it is even more important for me now. The clearer I am in my own mind, the more likely I feel I can actually state what I want & don't want people doing around me.

My self-confidence is so low, I need lots of certainty about what I need to say, like when I talk to my helper about her behaviour. If I'm feeling in the least bit unsure that I don't have reasonable grounds for asking her to not casually touch me, then I will, as usual, try to convince myself I don't feel it, & it really doesn't matter, which means I & my feelings don't matter, & let it go unchallenged. I want to stop doing that.

Everyone has a right to ask that people not cross into their personal space. Truly, I don't even have to give her any other discussion onit than to remind her of that. I like her, so I want her to understand that this is in the realm of being very important to me, not just a bit,& teasing me about it is okay, because it is not. Her casual touches can trigger me & cause me to cringe & feel frightened, anticipating harm.

The fact I often don't see her hand approaching makes the sense of her touch more startling. That's true for blind people in general. So, if ever you are with a blind person, or even someone who has sight only in one eye, do try to remember to ask first to do what you have in mind, such as, 'can I take your hand & show you where the EFTPOS machine is? would be very nice.

Some people sign off using a different name to their username, then I would prefer to use the name they prefer.

I noted you had referred to mmMekitty as Little Red Cat, somewhere, after I noticed you calling me LRC. I scratched my little round head, & suddenly it dawned on me what you meant. It's okay, but the real Mekitty was not little for long! No, I don't imagine she could have been a 'sumo cat', like your great Sumo, but I was taken to task by the vet

Imagine, I might've called myself, 'Fluffy bum Pumpkinhead', & you, I, & everyone else would've had to use that name for as long as I am here!😼

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear mmMekitty (not FBP)~

I guess regrets are one of the more important things to avoid, so if you can bring yourself to have your helper stop touching you in a way that startles disconcerts or triggers you then you will have a source of satisfaction, self-worth and of course the benefit of not being touched unduly.

I find victories with oneself are special.

Frankly I doubt it would be too hard, given you circumstances, to stop this handling happening whilst at the same time ensuring your helper still feels valued (and possibly a friend)

'night

Croix

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

Good point about asking permission before touching if interacting with sight impaired. Really anyone that has experienced trauma can react to unexpected touch. I’d tell your helper a few times that it’s not ok because it’s human nature to make light of awkward conversations. I also think it’s important to be touched and to feel touch but only what feels comfortable.
Mums nursing home the carers take turns holding hands and gently stroking distressed residents with dementia.
Drs often deliver bad news while touching your foot while in hospital there’s physical reactions that happen from touch that helps you deal with stress.
But if you don’t want casual touch at all keep reminding your carer.
As for treatment for cancer once you are getting treatment it all happens like clockwork and very little for you to decide and make decisions on. I had a serious illness and had treatment and I was not courageous and I complained a lot and my outcome had nothing to do with me. The drugs and treatment and surgeons saved me. I was sick and weak and miserable and I had full recovery. It’s like being in a dinghy on a rough wave just hang on. I did focus on my diet while on treatment and ate fats and protein with the drugs to help them work better. I had yoghurt and probiotics and berries.
The unknown is very scary.
Good time for some smooth jazz ❤️