Finally opening up

[Guest_0087]

finally took the plunge to beyond blue. Think this is my last attempt to try and get somewhere. I will try be brief so as not to make this hard for anyone.

Have struggled with depression for some time, and each time I tried to overcome it, it has just gotten worse and there seems to be no end in sight.

I lost my best friend to my depression. She no longer talks to me and we no longer interact. We used to talk every day for years, now, not even a hello.

My family have never understood my depression and never supported me with it. They keep making it about themselves and I have to some how find some sort of way to deal with it. I battle with my parents every day and it oftens ends in me crying.

All my social circles have moved on, and most found me too 'different' or slightly 'weird' so they no longer interact with me. In a sense, I have no friends. I do everything by myself and when I do interact with those people, they all treat me very differently. They don't know how to talk to me or say anything to me, and so I am often the odd the one out.

My work has been hell of late. In fact, about two years ago, I lost out on a job opportunity I spent years working for and had to move countries for. They didn't even have the decency to tell me I didn't get the post after all. But my current job started off well. Everything was good. It was starting to get me back some semblance of hope, but as with everything retail, the pressure tells, and now after receiving warnings and being told that I have the attitude of a child, I am basically working on auto pilot. I have no desire to go to work, and can't get a job that I really want, because after more than 5 years of trying and about 300 applications being rejected, you lose the will to apply.

And now to most recently. I just lost the girl. I loved her and I lost her. I try to get her out of my head and I just can't. It is hell.

I have no one, and nothing to keep me going. The virtual hugs only do so much, and I don't think they can keep me going. I am mentally and physically exhausted. Through all of these things, I can't sleep. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I have nothing that keeps me going. All the things I loved, I hate. I have no motivation to do anything. I find nothing of interest anymore. TV programmes i loved no longer excite me. No desire to watch movies or do anything. Like i said, I don't know where else to turn, but was told to give this a shot.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

Well that is a positive that all the chest x-rays came back negative, process of elimination with health related stuff, it is possible the feelings of pain you are having could be caused by anxiety? I only say this as I used to get bad chest pains and they would be relatable to anxiety I later found out. Just a thought anyway.

No one is saying it is easy and all you can do is take it day by day, getting caught up in why aren't you where you want to be only hampers and slows down your motivation. That shining light of triumph is coming, keep working towards it.

That is awesome, at least you have experienced it, that is quite awesome. I love winter too.

I will be doing much of the same I think, no work as mine shuts down over Christmas and New Year but I just want to unwind and relax as much as possible. How old are the twins if you don't mind me asking?

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Hi Jay

Yeah, I think my anxiety and depression have caused a lot of issues as well, so hopefully I am taking the right steps to get it sorted.

I'm a bit of a competitive person. I don't like losing. I think this translates to life. When things are not happening or going well, I get a bit upset about it and wonder why I am not having the luck that I want or the success that I want. But I guess with this new sort of path, I have to remember that I have to be strong about it and hope that success will eventually follow.

I wish my work shut down over Christmas and New Years. We are absolutely dead at the moment and it is a drag going to work on some days. Still want to watch the new Star Wars, but been so busy at work have not had the time. They just turned 1 a couple of weeks ago.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

I think you are taking all the right steps to get it sorted.

Being competitive is fine, it actually I think can help overcomes some things, have a hunger to want to achieve something, harnessing that energy for good is what is required. We all get upset when things don't go our way.

Not a fan of Star Wars so can't talk to much about it but I have heard good things. 1 is such a great age for babies, they are finally developing a personality as well which is great.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Hi Jay

It does kind of harness a different mentality in certain things I do. It can really help to motivate you at the gym or to want to do well when you are competing in something. It is about trying to find that right balance though as well between being competitive, and not letting the defeat diminish the will to want to continue.

To be fair, I have watched all the star wars and do like them, but would not consider myself a fan. I much prefer the Marvel movie franchise. At the end of the day, it gives me something to look forward to.

It is. One of them started to take her first steps a few days ago. They are now starting to develop a lot more and we're seeing them come in to their own a little.

Hope you have a good weekend.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

My sincere apologies about the delay in between posts, I haven't been on the forums for a couple of weeks, took a break. How have you been? Love to hear what's been happening?

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Hi Jay

No need to apologise. It was Christmas break so understandable. Hope you had a good Christmas and great New Year.

Things have been going. Won't say good or worse. Just watched the Brisbane Heat lose in a gut wrenching game that has probably got me more angry at the moment. Hahah.

I've been ok. Have had some horrible down and out moments, and some moments where I feel a bit better. I am progressing slowly and going through each phase I guess. Happy that I am almost a month out from having given up one of my really bad habits. Now I need to move on to the next one and slowly change all the bad things in to good.

Other than that, have tried to make a few changes as well that will hopefully help me, but I can't really say I can see much progress so far, so just each day as it comes I guess.

How have you been?

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

What I read in your post is that you are still progressing and that is the main thing, I don't know if you truly ever see how far you have come, I think if you just feel a little bit better then it all helps. Everything adds up. I've had a rough time over the break as well but it's ok, everyday is a chance to grow and get better.

Any changes you want to discuss here or prefer to keep them private?

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Hi Jay

I like that you can see things from a different angle. Helps sometimes to give perspective.

I guess there has been some progress, maybe not in the things I want more than more, which makes me think of it as a bit insignificant in a sense. However, I suppose you need to take every little progress and use that as a means to keep moving forward.

That's not good to hear. I am always happy to listen if you wish?

Ummm, I think once I figure out how to word them or get my thoughts in order I am happy to discuss them.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

Whenever you figure them out, you can always come back here and talk. You have come so far and I'll keep telling you that. Thanks for the offer to listen, I do appreciate it.

How was your weekend?

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Hi Jay

Thanks for that. I'm supposed to be seeing my psychologist on Saturday so maybe going to try and get them out there first and then see what happens from there. Yeah, I know I am going through my own things, but I have been known to be a good listener.

My weekend was average last weekend. Don't really do anything exciting anymore of late, and it's not really of my own doing. Have had to work on Sundays lately which is not as fun, but I guess I rather be doing something than stuck at home. Just wish I could turn these customers in to bookings so that management would stop riding my tail.

I apologise for not being as responsive, I do come back to check if you have responded, but I think with the sporadic responses it has got me a bit off checking because I guess I don't want to see nothing (if that makes sense).

Hope you got good plans for the weekend?