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Chris_B PLEASE READ: What this forum is for (trigger warning advisory)
  • replies: 2

The threads in this section have been created by longer-term community members, and have evolved over time into rich, complex discussions about many aspects of living with a mental health condition. They were originally started in one of our other to... View more

The threads in this section have been created by longer-term community members, and have evolved over time into rich, complex discussions about many aspects of living with a mental health condition. They were originally started in one of our other topic sections, and have migrated here once reaching the milestone of 100 posts in order to allow members to keep following the life story being shared as it happens day to day. This is not a place to start new threads - discussions here have reached a sufficient level of popularity and depth that they have been moved here by moderators. Long-term support here on the forums is defined in terms of receiving that support here in this space, which is why we have chosen the 100-post milestone to select threads that will appear here. Our research tells us that 55% of our members have been living with a mental health condition for ten years or more, so long-term support in the real world will not be a strange concept to many of you. If you're seeking long-term support on your journey, we'd encourage you to start a new thread in the section that best suits where you are at this point. Making a commitment to daily posting and supporting others will eventually see your thread join the wonderful stories here in this section. A few important points to note: 1. The "new thread" button has been disabled for this section - if you click on it, you will be redirected to the beyondblue home page. 2. Please be aware that threads in this section may contain discussion of suicide, self-harm, sexual abuse, domestic abuse and other trauma-related topics. 3. Threads in this section may be archived periodically (locked or unpublished) at the discretion of moderators.

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BenignSky I Don't Even Know Anymore...
  • replies: 151

Hey, guys, I've been drifting around in the social sector of Beyond Blue but decided to post on here. The title really says it all. I'm unsure of everything and anything. My name is Emily (or Em or any other nickname you wanna call me) and I'm fiftee... View more

Hey, guys, I've been drifting around in the social sector of Beyond Blue but decided to post on here. The title really says it all. I'm unsure of everything and anything. My name is Emily (or Em or any other nickname you wanna call me) and I'm fifteen years old, yes I'm still a baby. I don't really know what's going on with me, but I can tell you, I've been through a lot. From bullying, body image issues, sexual assault twice, friendship issues, online issues, relationship issues, losing loved ones, random and so few panic attacks, self harm and what I can only describe as an eating disorder yet not professionally diagnosed - I've had a good share of what life has to offer. My issue, at the moment, is this. My friend (A) was dating this girl (B). B, had been lying about some serious issues, a lot of which I've had experience with. It is believed that B isn't telling the truth and for good reason, but there must be a reason for the lies - right? Anyway, A and B broke up a few weeks ago and A made this group chat online with my friendship group for support because he was all over the place. Anyway, basically it turned into a place to plan attacks on his ex girlfriend. I'm not like that. So, me being me, went and said something to a teacher because I can't let something like that happen. Like, yeah, she did something horrible but at the same time, she doesn't deserve to get treated like that. Word has gotten back to my friends that I told the teachers and now I'm about to lose everyone so today is fun. I get it was a bad move on my half, and pretty disloyal to my friends, but my morals will always win. And bloody hell, now random people are messaging me and I've made a right mess of myself. And I'm gonna lose everyone that I care about and I'm gonna be alone again and I'm frustrating more and more people. I'm awesome at relationships, did I mention that? Seriously, all my friends are avoiding me now. Why do I do this to myself, argh... And this is one of the many reasons I hate myself. It's taking me so long to write this post because I'm dealing with it as we speak. There's so much more I wanted to say on here but my life has just been consumed by this...dark cloud known as social media and loneliness. I went against my parent's advice by bringing this up with my teachers when I should've just left it but I didn't want to be involved and I can't let bullying happen, especially when I know B isn't coping. Why do I do this to myself?

QldMouse Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?
  • replies: 312

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advi... View more

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice. Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day. Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself. I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband. The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive. My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really. I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell? Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

Karen71 Everything is so hard
  • replies: 138

I was am a student tafe. I put all assignments in. I completed all work. i had problems with one assignment whick shook me. Mental health assignment . I cried itried i tried to tell the teacher it was to close to my own life story. She dosent like me... View more

I was am a student tafe. I put all assignments in. I completed all work. i had problems with one assignment whick shook me. Mental health assignment . I cried itried i tried to tell the teacher it was to close to my own life story. She dosent like me so shrugged my attempt off. I failed my test in the last week. 18mnths for nothing. They dont care that im torn apart. 4 wrong on acute means to bad to sad. I tried so very hard.pateints loved me. Teachers not. My first test was 1 week after abdominal surgery my sevond the same week that i learnt my son was needing a op to save his sight.his 8.with aspergus. I tried so veryhard.i studied till 2 am most nights because i couldnt when kids were awake. All day its tantrums.all night its study. I have always suffered from depression and ptsd. I sucked it up took the bull by the horns and did my best. I alwayfail.idont belong. It sucks.im tied im defeated.im so alone. I hate life peole are mean. No im not in danger im simply done. Why are people so mean.why do they lie and alienate.why dont i be long. My teacher simply felt i shouldnt pass. What is that. Just because i make a complaint they make my life hell. My life is already full of stress i didnt need them to add to it. Im shattered. Ive creid for 4 weeks now.the skin around my eyes is starting to blister. Why are eople so cruel. My son cant play with other children. He has to stay 1 meter away from all kids at school. Seriously why dont people realise the pooain they give to others. Im sohurt.so very sad. I want to give up but i cabt because of the kids. Im sostied.i dont likwe this world its mean and nasty.is

Moonstruck "Over Thinking" or "Paranoid Thoughts"?
  • replies: 192

I have a tendency to "over think" things (I hope you know what I mean by that) which can spiral into obsessive thoughts and imagining worst outcomes etc. Just lately I have noticed myself perhaps going a step further when thinking over someone else's... View more

I have a tendency to "over think" things (I hope you know what I mean by that) which can spiral into obsessive thoughts and imagining worst outcomes etc. Just lately I have noticed myself perhaps going a step further when thinking over someone else's actions and/or words - assuming it is a direct personal assault on "me" . I dwell over and over on what they said, the tone of voice used, creating a scenario as to why they did or said a certain thing, what they could be "leading up to" or "covering up" something I need to know. I get more and more anxious as I "imagine" what will be next to happen - (it is always negative and scary). sometimes I imagine the conversations they "could" be having about me behind my back. sometimes I feel like contacting him/her to have them explain if anything is wrong, and if I misconstrued anything -to reassure me all is OK. But I am too scared to do so, in case it makes things worse, in case they are embarrassed and try to avoid me in the future. . Hardly anyone knows I have such an anxiety problem at all - so I don't want to come across as a "mental case".....(LOL) Is this sounding a bit paranoid to you? How can I stop imagining the worst possible scenario of events that "might" happen...it's seems so real to me even though I am making it up in my head.

Guest_223 It's over. Feel like giving up.
  • replies: 114

Hi, in the short time I've been on this forum, This is the last time I will be posting on here, I'm at the point where I feel like reaching out does nothing for me. I've done nothing but reach out over the last 18 months which is the most I've ever d... View more

Hi, in the short time I've been on this forum, This is the last time I will be posting on here, I'm at the point where I feel like reaching out does nothing for me. I've done nothing but reach out over the last 18 months which is the most I've ever done in my life. To be honest rather than be helpful to me it has created more traumatising events in my life and I feel I need to avoid society. I'm never contacting a helpline again, not talking to the local mental health team, I'm going to full on avoid society, keep all my thoughts and feelings to myself, no matter what they are or how serious they are, and even when I don't feel safe like at the moment I won't be making the mistake of telling anyone of any plans or terrible thoughts.

Guest_322 Constant blues and not knowing what to do with it
  • replies: 100

Hi, The title basically says it all. I'm something of a sad sack (have been for most of my life). Some people's trauma seems to come out predominantly as PTSD. Not me, mine seems to show itself as a constant state of blues instead (either that or I'm... View more

Hi, The title basically says it all. I'm something of a sad sack (have been for most of my life). Some people's trauma seems to come out predominantly as PTSD. Not me, mine seems to show itself as a constant state of blues instead (either that or I'm turning into my mum). I kind of just want to stay in bed all day. Luckily I'm usually good at dragging my arse of of bed. Not sure if this thread serves any purpose other than looking for fellow sad sacks- I say this affectionately as I am one of them- who can empathise? Also, anyone who has had a traumatic childhood but without PTSD? Dottie x

Belthizor UPDATED: Dealing with my partner's anxiety. Just want to talk
  • replies: 175

Hi all, I'm new here, my name is Sheldon and basically I just want to talk to others about how to deal with my partner's anxiety. For the past couple of months, she has been having anxiety-related issues, but only very recently have these issues inte... View more

Hi all, I'm new here, my name is Sheldon and basically I just want to talk to others about how to deal with my partner's anxiety. For the past couple of months, she has been having anxiety-related issues, but only very recently have these issues intensified. In the past two days we have been to the ED twice, Seen the Doctor twice and been to see her psychologist. The attacks are getting worse, and I am really worried for her. She has even been having suicidal thoughts. This of course worries me even more, but I feel that I have to stay strong for her sake. I love her very dearly and it just breaks my heart to see her so upset. She's crying, has involuntary hand movements, feeling nauseous and has even physically thrown up. She has recently been prescribed a benzodiazaprene and tomorrow we will be going to the doctors to review her current anti-depressant medication. I love her with all my heart and I don't ever want to lose her. While we are doing everything we can to address these issues, it's still hard - especially for me, and I would love someone to talk to who has been through this, or even just someone willing to bend an ear but not judge. This girl is my whole world and without her... I don't know what I'd do. Thanks for listening, I know I rambled on a bit, but I do that.

james1 I don't know what to say
  • replies: 252

Hello everyone,I don't really know what to say.I'm not looking for advice, I'm just looking for a place to say something/anything.You may have read some of my other posts, but the summary of me is: 24 years old, suffered from depression a few times i... View more

Hello everyone,I don't really know what to say.I'm not looking for advice, I'm just looking for a place to say something/anything.You may have read some of my other posts, but the summary of me is: 24 years old, suffered from depression a few times in my life, suicidal thoughts each time, currently dealing with a relationship breakdown two months ago and symptoms of borderline personality disorder, and the depression and anxiety's come back as a result.I don't know what keeps tripping me up but I constantly land back at the bottom of this mountain.I've been writing poems, here's one because I don't know what else to say. I hope it's not too dark. Steady drumsHe cowers among shadows in a sacred hall,Beneath the gaze of saints gone by,Who condemn his long unrelenting fallInto cold black dreams where his demons fly.Day brings back the spindly clawsOf imps that crawl from beneath his bed;they hook like leeches into all his flawsand drink through fangs until they are fed.Gorging and gurgling - the demons grow boldAnd spin bloody chambers around his heartWhich beats like a drum dressed in gold,Sold to the devil who will never depart.The chambers burst and hellhounds are looseThey rage inside and reek abuse.The drums beat louder and echo in his headThey rupture his veins until he is bled.He is only a man with a dying light,A candle which burns yet flickers with fight,“What more do you want?” he cries aloud,“Your hope; your dreams.” The man is cowed.And yet while the flame can still flicker,And his lips still quiver, gasping for life,The drums will beat no slower, no quicker,Until he is safe from this strife.

christacat alone and hated
  • replies: 148

I am 35 and possibly suffer undiagnosed depression and anxiety, possibly also autisim or asbergers (dont trust doctors or GPS so can't get an official diagnose). Have been told I need meds (too scared to take them), have anger issues, no social skill... View more

I am 35 and possibly suffer undiagnosed depression and anxiety, possibly also autisim or asbergers (dont trust doctors or GPS so can't get an official diagnose). Have been told I need meds (too scared to take them), have anger issues, no social skills, am dumb and stupid, hard on myself, obsessive as well. Have had conselling on and off, haven;t seen one since 2009 after I had a panic attack/meltdown.(she didn't help at all,just smirked at me) I don't fit in or belong anywhere. All through out primary school and high school, I was bullied alot and got into trouble alot too. I had the odd friend here and there, but no one I could connect to. Would try different hobbies-as i got told by consellors I had back then- but got teased for them and never found anyone on the same wavelength....it is the same today. No matter which site I go to for people who share my interests, or a group in 'real life' I never fit in, am the butt of everyone's jokes, anyone I reach out to just rejects and uses me. Then comes the 'teasing' over my hobbies and interests, that I am obsessive, that my hobbies suck. I had to leave a web site I was at for nearly four years-was just sick of the constant rejection from others and never felt like I fitted in and used by everyone who i thought liked me.. Now yet again I have nowhere else to go and feel lost, losing interest in things, because what's the point? I had no one to share them with. I got slagged off for them all the time, I tried to take pride in them and liked myself, not caring what others think but I still don't have anyone to connect to, I don't get along with my own age group either, especially with people I work with, they just go on about parties and drinking and barely notice I am around. I am at a lost at what to do anymore. I worry so much over this, I barely leave the house sometimes (I dont see the point, i have no one to hang out with and i just get teased for being wierd) and feel suicidal on and off. , please don't suggest conselling or meetups.com (had a panic attack two years ago before I was meant to go to a meetup, now the group wants nothing to do with me) or meds.