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Chris_B PLEASE READ: What this forum is for (trigger warning advisory)
  • replies: 2

The threads in this section have been created by longer-term community members, and have evolved over time into rich, complex discussions about many aspects of living with a mental health condition. They were originally started in one of our other to... View more

The threads in this section have been created by longer-term community members, and have evolved over time into rich, complex discussions about many aspects of living with a mental health condition. They were originally started in one of our other topic sections, and have migrated here once reaching the milestone of 100 posts in order to allow members to keep following the life story being shared as it happens day to day. This is not a place to start new threads - discussions here have reached a sufficient level of popularity and depth that they have been moved here by moderators. Long-term support here on the forums is defined in terms of receiving that support here in this space, which is why we have chosen the 100-post milestone to select threads that will appear here. Our research tells us that 55% of our members have been living with a mental health condition for ten years or more, so long-term support in the real world will not be a strange concept to many of you. If you're seeking long-term support on your journey, we'd encourage you to start a new thread in the section that best suits where you are at this point. Making a commitment to daily posting and supporting others will eventually see your thread join the wonderful stories here in this section. A few important points to note: 1. The "new thread" button has been disabled for this section - if you click on it, you will be redirected to the beyondblue home page. 2. Please be aware that threads in this section may contain discussion of suicide, self-harm, sexual abuse, domestic abuse and other trauma-related topics. 3. Threads in this section may be archived periodically (locked or unpublished) at the discretion of moderators.

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Mathy Reality check - Anxiety, Depression, PTSD
  • replies: 108

Hi All, I live with PTSD, Anxiety and Depression. My PTSD is pretty good, but the other 2 monsters not so. Last year I had arrived at a point where I was medication free, happy and functioning well. Then moving house and an incident at work left me b... View more

Hi All, I live with PTSD, Anxiety and Depression. My PTSD is pretty good, but the other 2 monsters not so. Last year I had arrived at a point where I was medication free, happy and functioning well. Then moving house and an incident at work left me back in the hole again. The work incident was a combination of a complete restructure of my hours and change of leadership - too much change, not handled well. I got suspended, and the process wasn’t handled well, so I bailed out of work for 3 weeks. In 6 years I’ve had 11 managers and #12 arrived 6 months ago, along with a change of 2/3 under managers. New manager is ok (but clueless) and the 2 new “under managers” are inclined to be variously, aggressive, rude and sarcastic. I guess that’s the reality of the “fast paced” world of retai - ha! Slowly, over the last 6 months I’ve struggled to go to work, get out of bed, lost motivation, and lost the enjoyment of playing my sport - which ironically is important for maintaining my mental health. Sport is golf - so, exercise, challenge, discipline and friendships. I’m single, so this is important to me. 2 weeks ago I ran myself through a checklist and realised that I was NOT travelling at all well, so I upped my ADs and made an appt with my Psych - which is in 3 weeks time. Last Friday I had an enormous panic attack, following a Thursday night at work with the least favourite of the under managers. I guess my mind has decided it’s had enough, I ended up in ER (I’m 61, so can’t assume not a heart attack). So, I now have an appt with GP tomorrow and a sick certificate until next Monday - and I feel like rubbish. So, if someone says to you that your work rate is “not good enough, *insert my name*”, in front of others, it could be interpreted as a joke or not. I’ve worked for this business for over 9 years, I work my butt off, and I found this insulting, joke or not. What do others feel? If once a week/fortnight one consistently had this sort of, or sarcastic interactions what would you think/feel? I guess I’m trying to decide if I’m being overly sensitive and possibly unfair. Thoughts would be much appreciated, cheers M

swtpotato existential and social anxiety - can you relate?
  • replies: 187

hi everyone, I was posting on the welcome and orientation section but thought I should move things here as it's more on-topic. So my mental health story: I have always been really introverted and spacey kinda kid but also very optimistic and idealist... View more

hi everyone, I was posting on the welcome and orientation section but thought I should move things here as it's more on-topic. So my mental health story: I have always been really introverted and spacey kinda kid but also very optimistic and idealistic. I grew up being really self-conscious and felt like there was something wrong with me but was pretty good at ignoring it. I had this bad lsd trip (1.5yrs ago) which blew all of my insecurities way out of proportion. I had all this derealisation and depersonalisation and severe social anxiety which led me to develop IBS and chronic fatigue. I was obsessed with the concept of identity and meaning and thought it was impossible to truly connect with other people.

Cesca1557 Taking antidepressents for the first time tomorrow morning.
  • replies: 297

Hi, Im not really sure why im posting this but Im feeling really unsure about taking medication tomorrow. I have had depression for about 7 years, but at the beginning my mum thought i was too young (i was 12-13), and its only now that I have finally... View more

Hi, Im not really sure why im posting this but Im feeling really unsure about taking medication tomorrow. I have had depression for about 7 years, but at the beginning my mum thought i was too young (i was 12-13), and its only now that I have finally decided that I need something else to help as I cant seem to make myself happy on my own. I am really hopefull for what the antidepressents will do, but I am also really worried. My father has bipolar, and I am really worried that by taking them, it could trigger it in me. I dont have bipolar my self, but due to the genetic predisposition to it and the increased chance of getting it as my dad has it, im really worried that this might be enough to set it off. As much as I want to be happy, if it risked me going through what he has gone through and put us through over the years, I wouldnt do it. Sorry, im not really sure what the point of this was, I think I just wanted to vent a little bit. Cesca

tim55 I think my 30 year marriage is over
  • replies: 139

Hi every body, This is my first post and I'm not sure if this is the right place for what is going on. I guess I'll just put up my story and see what happens. I was discovered betraying my wife of 30 plus years through the use of internet pornography... View more

Hi every body, This is my first post and I'm not sure if this is the right place for what is going on. I guess I'll just put up my story and see what happens. I was discovered betraying my wife of 30 plus years through the use of internet pornography, by my 18 year old daughter. That was about 4 months ago. Many would say I was addicted, I'm still not sure if that is right or not. Since then I have done pretty well dealing with that side of the problem. Through some counselling, reconnecting with my faith and involvement with a 12 step program, I am "sober" since discovery. I have lied and deceived even after discovery trying to minimise what I had done. The full truth all came out about 2 weeks ago. My wife and I have been on a roller coaster about what will happen with our marriage. At the moment it looks as though our marriage will end. I am currently living out of the family home and pretty well every interaction I have with my wife upsets her peace. I don't think she is on the road to any healing; that is now just about out of my hands. Any suggestion I make is rejected vehemently. Its now becoming clear that I will not be spending Christmas with my family. Having me in the house is just the catalyst for my wife's pain and hurt, leading to anger that just spills over our adult children. So I expect to stay away. I have no family where I am living, although, I have cut myself off from them. My father was a verbally abusive man who introduced me to pornography. I have some support through a church, however, he will be out of the city from tomorrow and has a family of his own to care for. So I am staring at the likelihood of being alone for Christmas. One of the characteristics of an addict is pushing people away and I have done that, with no real friends at all. There are some things I know I can do. I will be attending Church on Christmas Day, possibly with the family, but I'm not expecting that. I guess I am looking for suggestions about dealing with a weeks worth of days by myself as work will shut it's doors. I will be tackling my addictive issues separately with my counsellor. I'm looking for some general suggestions. Thanks

annie45 help needed - i just can't ask
  • replies: 202

Hi This is the first time I've tried something like this so I'm nervous as hell. I'm struggling with depression. I have a good friendship network, wonderful family and even a good counsellor. But I can't open up to any of them. I've told them that i ... View more

Hi This is the first time I've tried something like this so I'm nervous as hell. I'm struggling with depression. I have a good friendship network, wonderful family and even a good counsellor. But I can't open up to any of them. I've told them that i feel depressed and they ask all the right questions, but I can't respond. I can't verbalise it. Worse still I immediately put on a brave face and downplay how I feel when they ask. I don't want to. I want to express how horrible I feel but I can't. I'm not suicidal but I constantly picture myself doing something to hurt myself, something that will release me from this place - almost wishing that I could, but I have two young children and a wonderful husband that i can't do that to. I had a good week last week, and felt as though I was improving, yet the past two days I feel myself going down again. I don't know how to get out of this hole. Please help

blondguy My daughter is angry at the world and me
  • replies: 156

Hey Everybody. I ma really stuck and need advice with my daughter. I love her to bits but she is angry at the world and me. I have been on the forums since January and being an old guy I just thought I ask for some help. Here is some background...if ... View more

Hey Everybody. I ma really stuck and need advice with my daughter. I love her to bits but she is angry at the world and me. I have been on the forums since January and being an old guy I just thought I ask for some help. Here is some background...if you can help me She gone all gothic and weird...post natal depression...wont talk about it or accept any help... Dyed her long blond hair jet black and wears a lot of black and umm...self injured last year when she couldnt see her married BF.. She sent me a MMS of her 'injuries'...that really hurt to see Has just had a baby to her boss...he is married with 3 kids..and he has warned her not to say anything she asked me to borrow my 2007 XR8 when she had her car impounded and I said no...Now I am evil for saying no i did mention that under 25's cant drive the XR8...she didnt care...she just wanted to use it..I still said no... Christmas day 2015 I turned up with presents at her place and she said.."I have had a late night...can you come back tomorrow"? I use bullet points so it would be easier to read and respond to. (I cant stand mega paragraphs) Do I just give her space...or just a phase? She lives 10 minutes away and has 2 great kids to 2 different dads. I daughter who is 3 and her new baby son who is about 3 months..She doesnt do drugs. She wants everything now ....Platinum Foxtel...Leather lounge....VE SV6 Commodore.....and the single mums pension of course. I spend a lot of my time on the Depression/Anxiety threads....but I am lost here....should I just let her find her own way? Any thought/opinion would be gold to me right now.....also...whats an emo?....and yes Im serious..is it a dark and depressed person? Thankyou for reading and please do respond if you can help...Have a great weekend too! My kind thoughts and respect Paul ​

Guest_9546 HSC anxiety
  • replies: 129

Hello I do not know if anyone can relate to me or not but I have "educational anxiety" for maybe the past year and 8 months? So I wasnt allowed to do my desired subject in year 11 (in year 10 I chose extension 1 maths but wasnt allowed) At the beginn... View more

Hello I do not know if anyone can relate to me or not but I have "educational anxiety" for maybe the past year and 8 months? So I wasnt allowed to do my desired subject in year 11 (in year 10 I chose extension 1 maths but wasnt allowed) At the beginning of yr 11 I was told I wasn't allowed to do extension 1 maths. I started to stress because I wasn't told about it earlier and I wanted to do it desperately I complained to the head of maths (on many occassions) and he then decided to make me sit a test weeks later Weeks later I did the test and I stuffed it up. I wasn't allowed to do extension 1 maths. I was stressing and tried complaining multiple times to the head of maths. He decided no. He then referred me to the school counciller. He told me this "rubbish" that I only need advanced maths (2U) for uni since it is a calculus course but I felt I needed extension 1 maths The counciller told me to let it go (and so did he). I tried to let it go but it didn't work. It was then raised to my school principal (through a complaint to the department of education) and he told me to just focus on all my other subjects because extension 1 maths will make things worse (but I thought of it the other way around) Ever since that incident, I was stressing everyday. I had anxiety (and still do). I have found it very difficult to learn. Did horribly in tests At the end of last yr, I told the HT maths that I dont care about learning anymore (since he didn't let me in extension maths earleir in the year). Ever since then I learned to develop a deep obsession of hatred to him (because I think he's ignorant)Even now (which was a year a and half from that incident of not being allowed to study my desired subject) I have suffered anxiety a lot, I have been so stressed out that it has affected my learning, I have developed a deep hatred to the head of maths, etc. I have even cried a lot at home at times because I was too stressed out. Even back then I found a bit of difficulty sleeping Assuming I have either narcissism, bipolar disorder or some sort of sever anxiety ] I want to apply for EAS (educational access scheme) for my HSC because my learning was affected from this event a lot I wanted to do extension 1 (and 2) maths at high school because I wanted to pursue an actuarial degree at university (or a maths degree of some sort) as nothing else interested me but not being allowed to do my desired subjects made me stress I would appreciate any advice from anyone here

Doolhof Challenging unhelpful thoughts
  • replies: 313

Who comes up with these terms and phrases like "Unhelpful thoughts" and "sometimes foods" . Why can't we just say it as it is! I feel so damned depressed and down right now I don't want to be here any more. My mood is telling me that I need a truck l... View more

Who comes up with these terms and phrases like "Unhelpful thoughts" and "sometimes foods" . Why can't we just say it as it is! I feel so damned depressed and down right now I don't want to be here any more. My mood is telling me that I need a truck load of Some times food...all the chocolate, mud cake, Tim Tams, Mars Bars, Bounties and Hedgehog slices I can find. That is just for today. I'm trying to fight this depression. I really am. It has such a hold on me right now it is like wrestling a tiger. I've just had two weeks in a local hospital where unfortunately the only thing they had to offer for mental health issues was little pills and a glass of water to calm me down, a 5 minute chat with a nurse if she had time, advise to look in a magazine, think happy thoughts, go for a walk out on the locked verandah area, have a cup of tea and see if there is something nice to watch on t.v. All very helpful ideas if you are mildly depressed, but when you are beyond the unhelpful thoughts and feelings, it was like trying to put a cork in a volcano. Now I am home and trying not to go crazy. I have been using the phone help lines. One lady recognises me now as soon as she answers and hears my voice! All I want to do all day is to cry, to scream, to sleep, to take more pills to make the pain and the hours in the day disappear. This is a horrid way to try to live. I'm trying to get some fresh air, do a bit of gardening, eat mostly healthy food, plan something pleasant to do each day and all those good things. This darn depression, the sadness, the dark clouds of misery, the sense of no hope and no point keep hanging around. I wish they would take off and let me have some peace for a while. I feel like I am running out of energy to keep fighting this. But fight I must. I can't give up. That feels like an option, but I know it is not the way to go. Next Friday I am seeing a psychologist. An appointment I made way back in November. Hope she has some ideas on how to beat this. "Unhelpful Thoughts" just doesn't express it enough. I doubt the moderators would publish the words I would like to use right now to express my depression!

Wednesday I'm not managing so well anymore
  • replies: 384

I am finding it harder and harder. I’m told I’m positive and resilient and maybe I have been. I’ve managed with the help of AD’s to get through. Now I am so ill I can hardly get out of bed. I spend too much time in hospitals and around doctors. Yeste... View more

I am finding it harder and harder. I’m told I’m positive and resilient and maybe I have been. I’ve managed with the help of AD’s to get through. Now I am so ill I can hardly get out of bed. I spend too much time in hospitals and around doctors. Yesterday I saw a public hospital doctor that seemed to take delight in making me feel like a nuisance. He smiled and made smart jokes with his junior doctor at my expense. He didn’t listen he was so horrible and rude. Too many health issues, too many medications and too many doctors. I have such a little quality of life. While not suicidal now, I am incredibly sad and can’t see a way out of this. The medications I take for auto immune disease have destroyed and made unrecoverable my immune system. I knew this when I agreed to take them, but I didn’t realise that it would mean I would always have some sort of infection, like last week’s pneumonia. Of course antibiotics are no longer useful and I can’t develop any new immunity. A trip to a coffee shop can send me back to hospital. My friends and children are lovely but dispersed and not close by. I don’t say a lot because well it’s bloody boring and I’m sure it is more than they all need to know about. There is nothing anyone can do. They try with their suggestions of a new exercise or superfood, this dosen't help. They don't listen, it's too complicated so I don't bother explaining. I get comments like oh yes xx had pneumonia and they are really well now. that's great for xx. Or if you follow this exercise routine your blah will get better. If only I could get to the gym I would be there twice a week. Or take magnesium etc, yep I know all this. I know they are flailing around and trying to help but it feels like they are out of their depth and just saying things that aren't helpful. I don't stop them or try to explain anymore. Over the phone they can't see me so its easy. My partner is away and to self involved when he is here to understand what I am going through. I’ve been so independent all of my life from when I was a child. I don’t know how to manage this, how do I get a life? I’ve tried joining classes but I end up getting ill and not being able to attend. Maybe this really is as good as it gets and all the doctors and medicines in the world are not going to make me well. I guess that is the outcome that I need to come to terms with. I've always believed in quality over quantity. I’m sorry, I just needed to get this out.

monkey_magic Domestic abuse
  • replies: 106

He started out supportive,courageous,and huge hearted. We became intimate & that's when he's insecurities & past issues overcame him. I was yelled at,owned,controlled. He was jealous & used to scar me with his cutting words. I was hurt, suicidal & co... View more

He started out supportive,courageous,and huge hearted. We became intimate & that's when he's insecurities & past issues overcame him. I was yelled at,owned,controlled. He was jealous & used to scar me with his cutting words. I was hurt, suicidal & confused & genuinely fearful. How could a man that loved me change so rapidly & then change back? I was experiencing different ppl in one! I found him intimidating, aggressive & then homicidal & suicidal.... I needed to run for dear life,especially feeling like I could b killed. Mental illness also surfaced in the time we spent together. I was caught in the firing line. I went back one last time after his yelling demand of me coming to get my bike as it was in his way. I was out the front of his place looking at him through the curtains, he was in a bad way. I felt scared & thought I should leave. I went against my instinct. He opened the door ,I said I've come to get the bike & I'm leaving, it set him off!! I paced backwards towards my car. He was screaming,picked up my bike & threw it, screaming, puffed out his chest & stomped towards me with fists clenched. I wanted to run and go into the car but thought he'd probably smash the window so I stood there shocked staring into his eyes as he stomped towards me. Strangely he got right in my face fists still clenched then raised & started crying. He held onto me & wanted me to come inside with him. I was scared & just wanted to leave but went inside. There, he was consuming alcohol. I also had some & reached for one of his cigarettes but he didn't want me to have one. I had one anyway. It set him off again. He said u don't care & attempted suicide. I called the ambulance. I am glad to say I am no longer with this man. What turned into emotional abuse could have turned physical. I believed if I didn't stare into his eyes with all my strength as he stomped towards me, I might not b here today. There is no excuse for domestic abuse.