existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

[swtpotato]

hi everyone,

I was posting on the welcome and orientation section but thought I should move things here as it's more on-topic.

So my mental health story: I have always been really introverted and spacey kinda kid but also very optimistic and idealistic. I grew up being really self-conscious and felt like there was something wrong with me but was pretty good at ignoring it.
I had this bad lsd trip (1.5yrs ago) which blew all of my insecurities way out of proportion. I had all this derealisation and depersonalisation and severe social anxiety which led me to develop IBS and chronic fatigue. I was obsessed with the concept of identity and meaning and thought it was impossible to truly connect with other people.

[Pysis]

Hi em

I'm glad I found your new thread. I really don't know much about drugs but I do know that they can cause a lot of problems for people including mental health isues and it sounds kind of like that's what's happend to you. I hope you know now that you can truely connect with people weather it's on here or in real life you defently can connect to people and I hope you do. I hope you've been doing ok.

thinking of you

Nath

[swtpotato]

Hi Nath I've been trying to post the second part of the post but apparently you can't do that... but I really would like to see if people relate to the kinds of difficulties I have been having.

Things are ok it's more of a creeping dread like feeling that is getting on my nerves.

But yeah the ast couple of days with the weirdness of the side effects those existential thoughts have started to come back for first time in months. Like intrusive thoughts about how we are just self-interested beings in our own bubbles colliding with one another but not really connecting, and fear of going back to that anxiety where I would be too aware of the gap between people and the absurdity of daily life. I am not too bad atm I don't believe these thoughts, don't have much social anxiety, but I still have a nagging quiet fear it will return to how it was before.
This all made me feel like there was something wrong with me (I know it's just anxiety), like I have never connected with others like other people have. I also feel embarrassed that these pseudo-deep quiet background thoughts are stopping me from just going out and doing things, I feel like I've just made it all up like there's this really simple solution that I just can't see. I haven't brought it up in therapy properly yet because I feel weird about bringing it into the external world or something.

So yeah anyone been through this and have tips on strategies and ways to bring it up at the psychologist?

[Pysis]

Hi em

be patient it will come up. I'm sorry your staring to feel like that again. The thing is you are right about us being self interested but we also care about other people we do what we need to to survive and keep going and part of that is having people there for us so we look after other people and there interests as well, we do conect on a very deep level sometimes and it dosent have to be a sexual thing either we are social creatures and we need that connection or our own mental health. When you have these thoughts interletualise the crap out of it that's what I do so we all know that we are looking out for our selfs but if you look at our behavioural patterns as a speices we need connections and we need other people so to look after our selfs and own needs we need to care for other people and make connections. I've had these thoughts as well but as time has gone on I have taught myself as much as I posablly can about human behaviour in order to put those worrys to rest it's hard it's something that takes a lot of time but it dose help. It's hard when we see other people making those conections with other people and people being in relationships but you will have that some day as well just be patient. We aren't compatible with everyone and the truth is we probably won't make very many deep conections with people but we will make them weather it be with friends family or a partner we will make conections both deep and not so deep but they are conections never the less.

Pin terms of bringing it up with your phycologist I would write down how you are feeling and your worrys that way you don't have to worry about forgetting anything or getting over that fear just give it to them at the start of the session and let them take it from there.

Wishing you well and I hope you know your not alone. you can always talk to me here when you need to.

Nath

[swtpotato]

Hey Nath,

It is so nice to hear your reply, it helps a lot.

I have been much better today and am less confused and afraid of it. It helps to know that other people feel like this sometimes too. I have a few really good relationships just when I am depressed I cannot access the good parts of it, it's like there's a wall between me and the rest of the world.

The other day I went into this bookshop and felt inspired by this art book, like I suddenly had access to the world again, was connected to other beings and things. This has gone away again but I feel like it will start to come back eventually once these meds start to work, and once my chronic fatigue starts to get better.

Thanks for your words Nath, it is really good to know I can post and get support here whenever I need to. I am also here to talk whenever u need.

Em

[Pysis]

Hi em

im glad I could help just a little bit. I'm glad your feeling a bit better today. Yeah not not alone by any standards there are heaps of people that feel the same way. Depression is hard it isolates us, makes us feel like no one loves or cares about us and makes us doubt our selfs but we have to just keep reminding or selfs that it's the depression or anxiety that's talking and it's not reality it's hard becuase or minds have a lot of power but we can beat it. It's hard becuase most people don't understand so that's what I think disconnects us so much from every one.

hey you like art that's great I'm an artist as well as many other things my profile picture is one of my drawings. I'm sorry that that feeling didn't last very long but you will get back there and your not alone, I've had chronic fatigue before as well as my brother so I understand all about it.

your very welcome em and I'm always here to talk if you need me if you want to check out my thread it's " new and not sure what to do"

thinking of you

Nath

[startingnew]

Hi Em


ive found your thread here.




Being disconnected with things and people is a really common theme in people who suffer anxiety and depression. Its like 'I normally like that but I dont now whats going on..?
you feel as if your goning to connect and its going to be taken away.. is that right?


With my mental health I find that ive lost all interest in doing the things that I would usually like to do and I also find it hard to connect with others. Being on here has really helped me in boosting my confidence in talking to people.
Im not sure if you would believe it or not but in the real world I would hardly say anything, I would avoid people, talking to strangers was way out of the question and would send me into a panic attack.
And now with the help of others here, I am almost running my own business which means talking to people. And I believe even just talking on here and bosting your confidence talking to people on here will help you with your social anxiety too.


You said its not too bad right now, one of the best things you can do to help keep the social anxiety away is to keep talking to people, keep talking here, talk to your mentors and things. Dont go silent because thats when the insecuirites come back am I right?




What your experiencing doesnt sound weird at all and is definently something that your therapost can help you with and while it is a process and ot an overnight fix it is possible. About the way to bring it up, there really isnt a right or wrong way to rbing it up but since your stuck a way to bring it up is when they ask how youve been feeling you can say soemthing like 'ive been feeling abit strange, like im disconnected from others' they can lead the way from that.. what do you think..?


Please dont be afraid to speak up, the more you deny your own feelings and thoughts the more they try to haunt you. So please never be embarrassed if your struggling, there are so many people here struggling.




If im wrong in any aspect please do say something. I hope some of what ive written helps

[swtpotato]

Hi Startingnew,

Thanks this really does help.

Yeah you are right it is pretty confusing. The kind of anxiety I usually get is a sense of dread, or weirdness, like something's not quite right. It's like I am off balance, unsafe, and anything could happen and I wouldn't be able to deal with it. Sometimes this goes into panic attacks, but it is usually just an underlying feeling that follows me. Because it's not always super obvious and incapacitating it is hard to accept it is anxiety rather than something wrong with me or with reality. In that state my mind catches everything around me spinning and spinning and I start questioning who I even am. I have never felt a stable sense of identity I don't think, it really freaks me out sometimes.

Thanks yeah I do need the encouragement to keep talking to people, I have to force myself sometimes. Atm I don't feel like I get much out of it, but then I remember what it's like when I am just all by myself and I just can't handle that again.

Yeah I think I need to write things down and then go and give it to her. So far we've only talked about recent surface level things - like strategies to cope with fatigue, uni stress and tense relationships. She is pretty new so I am not super comfortable yet.

After that bad lsd experience I went from being socially anxious/manic but fine to the next day feeling like my brain had been taken apart and put back together with pieces missing - or more that it had brought the wrongness inside of me and in the world to my attention. I was living in a residential hall at the time with newish friends and suddenly could no longer bear other people's presence, it was like I could see all the phoniness in people's interactions and felt underlying panic all the time. I can't really remember if it was all like this it's a bit of a muddled blur.

Ahh just thinking about it makes me anxious and it was like a year ago. It also makes me realise that the mental health issues I've had are real and significant, when lately I've been feeling like some kind of fraud - like why can't I just go and be a person? Idk I have been really lazy lately, like studying only in bed, procrastinating all the time, even when I'm not that tired or actively depressed. I might fail a class and I don't really care.

I feel like I'm just drifting through life, always in my head..., avoiding actually confronting or experiencing anything...

I'm sorry I am just feeling a bit low tonight

[Guest_1055]

Hi Em

I wanted to let you know you are not alone in your thoughts about feeling like you are living inside this bubble, as I often feel like this too. It is like you are living on this earth and you see others around you. But your person or soul cannot get through this prison of a bubble to touch another human. To me it's not a physical thing but rather something else. I guess a connection of ones heart to another. I felt like this while I was growing up also. I even felt like I was from a different planet and even adopted. So yeah I did not feel connnected to anyone at all then, well because of this bubble. However back then I did not understand the "bubble" thing. Just knew I was different somehow. To me it is like you are only existing and not really living. Do you feel like that too?

Other times I feel like I live in my imagination, like it's a story. So not real.

I also do not know who I am fully, so my identity . But I slowly am becoming more aware of this.

The wall you mentioned .... yes I have felt that too. Like the wall is too tall to climb over, too thick to punch through and one cannot dig out either. But you can see humanity living on the otherside, but you cannot join despite somehow wanting too at times.

I have never taken drugs so I cannot relate to that though.

I really liked reading your posts as I felt like you might understand my world. I understood what you were saying.

There is hope Em because one can live outside this bubble and connect with another. I am not always out of it though.

I know I have talked about myself, but my objective was to share it in hope you do not feel so alone and perhaps understood in some way.

Shell xx

[swtpotato]

Hi Shell,

You're spot on! That is exactly what it was like. Esp "connection of one's heart to another", seeing humanity living on the other side of the wall and feeling like you are making your life up. It's a terrifying prospect, I had no idea isolation could be so painful. This whole feeling doesn't happen very often anymore, but because of the AD side effects I've been feeling pretty similar and it just brought all of those memories and feelings back.

It's so strange that our minds can do this! All just as a stress response!

I think I do understand parts of your world Shell, and because of that I am so sorry about what you have had to go through, it is like living a nightmare. I remember telling my old psychologist that it was like being paralysed in ice. A lot of experiences of depression and anxiety I think you can only explain through metaphors.

One of my favourite songs is "Once in a lifetime" by the Talking Heads. I related to this soo much when I was feeling that way and was afraid I would go through life never knowing when the feeling would hit again. What do you think of it? (I don't feel like this too much anymore, things are more stable btw)

I get what you mean about living in your imagination. I've always been a dreamer - before my breakdown I was living in my fantasies and stories and feelings, I had beautiful vivid dreams, could immerse myself in other people's stories and books/movies. And then it was all gone and I thought - what have I actually created and done in the real world?

The other day I wanted to be told who I was so I did the MBTI personality quiz and got INFP again, then read this book about 'highly sensitive people'. I feel a bit strange about searching for labels, but these two really explain a lot of my experiences and thought patterns. I am trying to accept my natural way of reacting and processing things, it is different but it is ok.

Thank you for sharing your story Shell it helps so much to know you have had similar experiences, and I hope you continue finding your way out of the bubble too.

Em