New and not sure what to do

[Pysis]

Hi um I've never done anything like this so please tell me if I need to do something differnt

I'm a 18 year old male and I've been depressed for the passed 7 months or so it all started when I had to put my horse down when hiss throat closed over it was very traumatic for me and he was the second horse I'd put down in a period of three months. Then my friend was having issues with work so I was trying to support her and be there for her just checking in on her and making sure she was ok she was suffering bulling really badly in the work place. While I was trying to be there for her I got very sick with a stomach bug and was sick for over a month I lost 17kg over that period of time and ended up in hospital 3 times for a period of over a week while I was in hospital I was still helping my friend. Once I got out of hospital my friend was really strugling so I made an extra effort to help her and that's when I got really bad myself. I stated to remember repressed memories from my childhood of things my obusive father had done and stuff from me being at school and being severely bullied. up until 2 weeks ago I was coping alright but then my boss made me work on a puppet show that she was making and I wasn't getting paid for it it has been a difficult situation becuase she is also a friend and she has no idea that I have been struggling with my mental health at all. I have ended up feeling very used by my boss as I put in 7 days free work for her and missed out on seeing my grandparents who kind of replaced my dad in someways growing up and she had my camera for over a month. She has slowly demanded more from me as time has gone on and I ended up having to preform in front of people which I wasn't really up for and the whole situation has cuased me to end up where I was before in terms of my depression. I don't know why but when I get really depressed like I am I have panic attacks and end up messaging my friend who is the only person I've ever been able to talk to. She has a new job now though and is working all the time and me messaging her is causing her stress and I don't want to do that to her and she also has kids that's she's trying to be there for. I don't know how to stop myself messaging her when I have my panic attacks becuase at the moment it's the only thing that helps it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I guess what I want to ask is dose anyone have any suggestions as to what to do I'm in a remote town so getting proffesonal help is difficult.

[Guest_128]

Hi there,

Sounds like you have been suffering for some time. I am aware that you are in a remote town,is there a gp you can see,or how far to a bigger town. Maybe talking to a gp would give you some avenues you could try. There is also numbers here on BB that you can phone.

It would be awful to feel like you are,there are many people here that you can talk to,have a look around the forum I know it's very hard but I want you to know we are here it just takes a bit of time.

would love to hear back from you and if there is any question,just ask and someone will be along.

Dory

[Pysis]

Hi dory thank you for taking the time to answer me it means a lot.

ive seen my local gp and she has put me on antidepressants that's the first thing I made sure I did when I started to get depressed. I've been talking to a counsellor online for a few months now but it's difficult becuas it can take them a few days to answer me. I've been just been in survival mode for so long and I'm just so tierd. My family isn't that great with this kind of thing I've only really got my mum and my dad continually makes the problem worse he is pretty mentally abusive. For so long I've just had no one, I've been trying to talk to my best friend but she is to busy and last night she got angry with me and just told me she can't do it.

Thank you so much for being welcoming so far I've had someone answer both of the posts I put up it is just such a relief to feel like someone is there. So far it's felt like nothing helps me it has just felt like one never ending circle like I said I was getting better until all this stuff happend with my boss. She wants me to attend this lectur on how to make puppets on Friday but I just don't feel up to it at all, I tried to tell her last night that I am having a hard time but she basically told me I was making it up and that I should be grateful for the opportunity and she's sick of me being negative, I don't know what to do about it all becuase it's making me worse and I don't want to be there at the moment.

[Pysis]

I have found if I help people it helps me to take my mind off things for a while but the thing is I don't really know wether I should be helping people at the moment either. People have told me I just need to focus on myself but I can't help myself most of the time I just end up helping anyone who asks for it. But I also feel kind of hurt becuase I do try and help a lot of people but for so long no one has been even willing to try and help me. A lot of the time I just wish I didn't live in this town and was accepted by people. I've been through a lot in my life and I've gotten through most of it ok but now it just feels like all of the emotions and hurt that I've pushed down and ignored over the years have all reared their heads and I'm feeling them all at once. I'm in overwhelm most of the time and I don't know how to stop feeling this way. I feel empty and like I don't have a purpose anymore.

[startingnew]

Hi Pysis

Please know ive read your story. I dont quite have the time to write the response id like to but know i care.

[Pysis]

Thank you

[startingnew]

Hi Pysis


I know exaclt how you feel. I lost my horse to colic only a few weeks ago so I understand how your feeling.
You sound like a really good friend to be doing all of that even while your sick. But now its time to take care of you.


Its great youve gone to your gp but I would recommend you ask to be refferred to a psychatrist. A psychiatrist specialised in mental health type medications and while gps are good I find that psychiatrists are better in this area.
Also I would ask about seeing a psychologist one-one. Ask your gp for a mental health plan and it allows you to be able to claim back a portion of your sessions for some of them.
These would be the first steps id recommend you take.


With your online counsellor, see if they have a webchat if your not comfortable talking on the phone or if you are call them and request to speak to your counsellor.
Its hard over emails as they dont reply in the time they are off work so its better to get the then and now support. Also depending on the site your using e.g kids helpline or headspace they keep a record so even if your counsellor isnt there the time you ring whoever your speaking to at that point in time can take a llok at the records and notes.
When things start to get overwhelming or your feeling really alone or dont know how to approach things try give the helplines a call or webchat. Dont keep squashing them down ok, there is help out there please accept and reach out just as you have done here
theres beyond blue who have webchat and a phone
headpspace who have webchat and phone
and kids helpline has a webchat and phone
theres also mensline as well. Im not sure what they have as im female.




Trying to survive is very tiring so its time to act now and get the help you need and deserve. You sound like you have the determination and willingness to get better as well as accept the help thats avaliable so I think youll go far. Im not saying itll be easy but im sure you will get there.

[Pysis]

Hi starting new thank you for reasoning to me.

i really have wanted to see a specialist but I don't have much access to one where I live the closest place to see one is 3 quarters of an hour away and my mum works all week and I don't have my license yet so I have no real way of getting there I was lucky to get to the gp. My counsellor is in America but spits a serice where they work and answer form home so she has been pretty good but over the weekends she dosent very often answer unless she's worried about me. The real problem I, finding with getting help is just my lack of acces to it all the restores people have sujested to me I don't have a great deal of acces to. I can't really do we chats due to our horrible internet signal and I'm not great on the phone I didn consider it but at the moment I can't even talk to the few friends k have on the phone without having panic attacks. I'm trying to get some people around me who care or can be there for me just a little becuase the suport networks I had set up for myself have just fallen apart this year. I've had a lot of mental abuse over the years both at home and at school. I was really badly bullied for a long time and was physically hurt a lot and my dad has been and still is very mentally abusive and used to be physically abusive. I know of feel stupid for feeling the way I do becuase I know my life hasn't been as hard as other people's but I can't stop feeling this way. I just feel so alone all the time most of the time I'm alone on the farm by myself the closest people to us are a 10 minute drive away and I don't really know them so it's hard. I'm in the CFA amd go to car accents and fight fires when I can and that brings me little happiness for a short while to be able to help people but the good feeling dosent last long and I've volunteered with riding for the disabled but I can't get there anymore.

I dont know know what to do about this situation with my boss she is making me feel worse all the time and I was getting better by myself before everything happend with her but now I'm just back to where I was at the start, she's accusing me of lying about being depressed becuase I can manage to keep it together at work but inside I'm dying I just don't know what to do.

[Pysis]

My horse literally couldn't breath it was horible he was so scared and my mum was blaming me and I was trying to calm her down and then my younger brothers were distraught so I tried to be there for them and I just had to shut my emotions down to get through it. He was the second horse I'd put down in 3 months the other one I had to put down becuase he had cancer and he was starting to be in pain so I had to make the call.

Ive always had to be the one who makes the hard calls and I'm so sick of it, I've pretty well had to be a father for my brothers becuase dad just isn't there emotionly at all so I've had to teach myself how to survive and do things and then try and pass that on to my brothers and I don't know wether I'm doing a very good job anymore. Everything in my life has just been a fight and I'm just so tierd.

[Pysis]

Sorry I meant responding to me, not reasoning to me.