help needed - i just can't ask

annie45 · ‎27-03-2017

Hi This is the first time I've tried something like this so I'm nervous as hell. I'm struggling with depression. I have a good friendship network, wonderful family and even a good counsellor. But I can't open up to any of them. I've told them that i feel depressed and they ask all the right questions, but I can't respond. I can't verbalise it. Worse still I immediately put on a brave face and downplay how I feel when they ask. I don't want to. I want to express how horrible I feel but I can't. I'm not suicidal but I constantly picture myself doing something to hurt myself, something that will release me from this place - almost wishing that I could, but I have two young children and a wonderful husband that i can't do that to. I had a good week last week, and felt as though I was improving, yet the past two days I feel myself going down again. I don't know how to get out of this hole. Please help

JessF · ‎27-03-2017

Hello annie45, welcome here, and please don't be nervous. You're in a good place here for support. It sounds like things are in quite a bit of turmoil for you inside, but you don't feel able to put this into words with those closest to you.

There's already a silver lining to the cloud, though... you have just done it. You've written in a really clear way exactly how you are feeling and what's going on. You feel like you "just can't ask"... but by posting, you just have.

You will find a number of posts here from people feeling similarly 'closed' when it comes to asking for the help they need, so you are not alone in this.

Its good that you have a cousnellor you connect with. I would start by printing out this post and taking it to your next session. The issue you have with 'putting on a brave face' and telling people the exact opposite of how you are actually feeling is worth exploring and breaking down.

It's worrying too that, although you say you are not suicidal, you are describing thoughts that are very much about ending your life. You describe these feelings as longing for a 'release', this too is quite common. It's a sign that the feelings are of such an intense level that you are wanting to just switch them off. I've felt like that too.

Well done on a great first post. Try not to be too discouraged about feeling your mood sink after a few good days. Depression has it's ups and downs, and there will be bad days amongst the good. As you move forward though you will notice fewer bad days.

annie45 · ‎28-03-2017

Thank you! Today is a better day but it's days like yesterday that shock me to the core. I don't know if I have the courage to print out what I wrote yesterday but I'll try. Thanks for caring

Quercus · ‎28-03-2017

Hi annie45,

I'm so thankful for your post because I can honestly say I've been in a very similar situation and relate to you. You've made the most important step by opening up and talking to someone about how you're feeling. In my experience everyone here just wants you to feel better and this is a safe place to talk about whatever you want and need to.

I'm really sorry to hear how bad you're feeling and glad that you have friends and family who love you and are just waiting for you to reach out for help.

JessF has some really good advice but I understand why you are reluctant to print it out and share. On my good days I felt like a completely different person, that I was overreacting, that I was wasting my psychologist's time and it wasn't that bad... And then I'd get a bad day again.

Eventually hubby got me to write down how I felt on a bad day and put it in an envelope to give my psychologist. Handing over that envelope was both the hardest, most humiliating thing I have ever done and the BEST thing I have ever done for myself because it finally got me the help I needed.

I guess what I want to say is that there is hope. You aren't alone, we are listening if you want to talk.

annie45 · ‎28-03-2017

Thank you Quercus. I had tears as I read your response and I no longer feel so alone. I often write how I feel on a bad day and try to be as honest as i can. And yet when i read it a couple of days later when im feeling good it seems as though its a different person. I often feel like my brain has been picked up and replaced with another one during my bad days. And then on a good day I can't quite believe that's how bad i felt. I do feel like im wasting my counsellors time but deep down i know that i need to continue. In fact last session i even tried to convince her that i was better - it took me only 4 days before i rang up and booked another session. Thank you for taking the time to respond and showing that you care. I really appreciate it.

White_Rose · ‎28-03-2017

Hello Annie

Good to meet you and welcome to Beyond Blue. The other two ladies have made great suggestions. There are a number of times I have written down how I feel, just as you and Quercus have done, and felt a complete idiot giving the paper to my GP or psychiatrist. But it does help. I feel as though I have handed over a huge burden. I don't think I've convinced myself that's all I have to do, but it is a great help.

Writing on your bad days and reading on your good days is guaranteed to make you feel you are making it up, over reacting, being silly and sorry for yourself plus any other comments I've missed out. That's what depression does. You write down all the horribleness you feel, then read it on a good day and that sneaky Black Dog whispers in your ear saying things like, See I told you you were over reacting, you feel OK today don't you so no need to talk to anyone, who is going to listen, you are wasting everyone's time.

This is the time to teach the dog some manners, make it stay in the kennel and walk to heel when you are out. You do this by writing everything down and giving it to your psychologist/psychiatrist/counsellor to read. After a while you will be able to open up without the writing and that will be a red letter day. You can learn how to replace the bad thoughts with something more pleasant. e.g. I'm going to work in the garden today, meet a friend for coffee (why do we always say coffee?), read a book although that does take concentration on a bad day, go for a walk, join an exercise class. There's a lot of evidence that shows moderate exercise such as a 20 minute walk, has an amazingly positive effect on your mental health.

Jess has commented on your well written post. I agree so write a bit more or simply print out this post. Try it and see. Then come back and tell us how it all went. That is one success story I would love to read.

Mary

Quercus · ‎29-03-2017

Hi Annie45,

I'm glad to hear from you and that you don't feel so alone. It will good to hear that you are getting some help and feeling better.

You wrote about writing down your feelings..."when i read it a couple of days later when im feeling good it seems as though its a different person" and that really struck home to me. I always seemed to have a good day or perform when I saw the psychologist or GP so I wasn't able to explain how I was feeling because I felt embarrassed and ridiculous.

Mary (White Rose) told me something once that really helped me when I felt like I was wasting my psychiatrist's time and wasn't able to make myself a priority and I'd like to share it with you too...

You are a worthwhile person.

I really needed to hear that and I hope it helps you too. Your health is important not just because you are a mum or a wife or a friend but because of who you are. And it is okay to admit you want to feel better and you need someone to help you.

So it's worth taking the risk and feeling embarrassed letting your counsellor or GP or husband read this thread if it gets you the help you need.

annie45 · ‎31-03-2017

Hi All. Thank you for your replies they have made me feel very welcome. I had a counselling session yesterday but didn't tell her about my thoughts of hurting myself. I really don't understand why im having them because i have no intention on doing them - they are definitely more like fantasies. I can honestly say that there is no plan to innact them but the fact that i have them upsets me. I'm scared that if i do tell her what the repercussions will be. I don't want anyone to worry about me. On a better note I've had a good day today and I really feel as though i made some progress with my counselling session yesterday. Thanks again to you all

Quercus · ‎01-04-2017

Hi annie45,

I'm glad to hear from you and that you went and talked to your counsellor and are feeling good today.

Is it ok if I ask have you told anyone (apart from on here) about the thoughts about hurting yourself? It's alright if you're not comfortable answering it's just I am worried about you because I've been there.

I did the same thing for years only talking generally about feeling down and overwhelmed. If the psych, doc or my hubby asked me if I was thinking of hurting myself I said oh it's just a passing thought I get sometimes, it's not a big deal, I will never act on it. And yet whenever the house was quiet the thoughts would creep back in until I was frightened of my own head and the obsessive thoughts I couldn't get rid of.

Owning up to those feelings and admitting I was afraid terrified me. Would they take my kids away? Would they put me in hospital? What really happened was the doctor and psychologist finally got to see how miserable I really felt and I got some really important things put in place. First we made a crisis plan and I was told what I was feeling was valid and that I had every right to call the helplines, ask for help and go to the ER if I needed to. The psychologist said it might be good for me to go to hospital for a few days but when I freaked out she backed off as long as I saw my GP. I got referred to a psychiatrist who gave me a diagnosis and medication and the obsessive thoughts stopped. Then we made a plan for therapy. It's a work in progress but I feel hopeful and not frightened anymore.

What I'm trying to say is you need to be honest to your health providers otherwise how can they truly help you? It is frightening to put yourself out there but you deserve to feel better.

I'm sorry if this doesn't help you or if it brings you down on a good day. Take care of yourself and I hope to hear how you are going.

White_Rose · ‎01-04-2017

Hello Annie

I don't think I can give you a better reply than Quercus. Suicidal thoughts are just that, thoughts. Sometimes it can give the feeling of being in control of your life. Not that it's a good thought to dwell on.

Quercus has told you how her thoughts affected her and I can add I have had these thoughts as well. No one rushed to put me in hospital or told me off in any way. There was only concern about the pain I was going through. No doubt the person you talk to will help you to make a safety plan, but you can start that yourself. Get the Beyond Now app for your phone and fill in the sections on your own or with your counsellor.

In reality, if you show your counsellor this app and have started to complete it, it will show you are taking steps to keep yourself safe. He/she will still be concerned about you but will feel you are trying to be safe as much as possible.

If you are still nervous about telling someone would you please phone the suicide callback service. This service is operated by trained mental health staff who will give you help encourage and advice. Ph 1300 659 467 available 24/7. Also have a look at their web site https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/ This is a great resource for you. I have talked to them with the same thoughts as you and they were fantastic.

Take care of yourself.

Mary