help needed - i just can't ask

[annie45]

Hi This is the first time I've tried something like this so I'm nervous as hell. I'm struggling with depression. I have a good friendship network, wonderful family and even a good counsellor. But I can't open up to any of them. I've told them that i feel depressed and they ask all the right questions, but I can't respond. I can't verbalise it. Worse still I immediately put on a brave face and downplay how I feel when they ask. I don't want to. I want to express how horrible I feel but I can't. I'm not suicidal but I constantly picture myself doing something to hurt myself, something that will release me from this place - almost wishing that I could, but I have two young children and a wonderful husband that i can't do that to. I had a good week last week, and felt as though I was improving, yet the past two days I feel myself going down again. I don't know how to get out of this hole. Please help

[Quercus]

Hi Annie,

Just checking to see how you are doing. How is your Mum?

Thank you for the kind words on my thread it has been a rough couple of months but I think I'm back on track now.

Anyway just wanted you to know I was thinking of you and grateful for you.

❤ Nat

[annie45]

Hi Nat

Good to hear from you this morning.

Mum is not well, the disease is progressing quickly - I definitely think that this is her last christmas with us. However I think I'm feeling ok about this - My relationship with mum is difficult. On one hand she is a frail woman that everyone loves. On the other hand she is selfish and always has been. She has manipulated me from a very early age - putting her own health and anxiety in front of my own needs. Becoming dependant on me and sapping my energy without considering the effect that it has on me. I never felt that I could explain this as she is too vulnerable. Even now she tells me that she hates interrupting my life with all her appointments yet does not think about the effect that this is having on me. She talks about her death, funeral and will as if I was a nurse looking after her - not her daughter. She needs a feeding tube inserted but is considering refusing this - this will means a quickly yet more unpleasant death.

So considering all of this, I think that I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. A situation I previously felt trapped in has opened and is reached a close. Previously I would have felt guilty having these feelings but now I see that I should never feel shame for my own feelings. They are my true self and I should own them and I deserve to feel them. I deserve to feel this relief and it feels a lot better than pushing it away and feeling guilt instead.

I feel that I have grown a lot - as they say sometimes the worst situation brings out our best. I have reached out and let myself be mothered by others. Growing up lacking a loving mother figure I need to learn how to be 'mothered'. I am allowing myself this now and reading out to friends and my beautiful mother-in-law to do this for me. Previously I closed up and thought I could handle my problems on my own. Now I have accepted others help and am learning how to feel ok about it. These people have always been there for me and now I am allowing them in.

I'm not cured and still have bad periods but they are easier. I have a newfound strength and a belief that things are on the improve.

Thanks for asking and I hope you have a great christmas

Annie

[Quercus]

Hi Annie,

What a beautiful post. There is something beautiful about accepting how you feel and just saying it the way it is. Once you struggled to speak at all... Now you shared something so honest and vulnerable and raw. I am full of admiration for you.

It is ok to look forward to a new start. I hated when my Grandad was dying how family who couldn't have cared less came out of the woodwork. They rebuked me for leaving the hospital. But I knew my Grandad. He knew me. He would have said why are you here Nat? Where is my new baby great Granddaughter? She needs you. My point... I said my goodbye in the time he was alive. By showing him constantly I loved him.

You have done the best by your Mum. It is ok to be ready to say goodbye. Your Mum has hurt you and you stood by her anyway. I respect you for being able to admit there is love but also hurt.

It is good to see you letting people in to help you. It's hard though huh. But worthwhile. If you need support please write ok. I will look out for you.

I hope you can find joy in Christmas even with all this happening. Please take care of yourself Annie and know we are here for you too.

❤ Nat