Finally opening up

[Guest_0087]

finally took the plunge to beyond blue. Think this is my last attempt to try and get somewhere. I will try be brief so as not to make this hard for anyone.

Have struggled with depression for some time, and each time I tried to overcome it, it has just gotten worse and there seems to be no end in sight.

I lost my best friend to my depression. She no longer talks to me and we no longer interact. We used to talk every day for years, now, not even a hello.

My family have never understood my depression and never supported me with it. They keep making it about themselves and I have to some how find some sort of way to deal with it. I battle with my parents every day and it oftens ends in me crying.

All my social circles have moved on, and most found me too 'different' or slightly 'weird' so they no longer interact with me. In a sense, I have no friends. I do everything by myself and when I do interact with those people, they all treat me very differently. They don't know how to talk to me or say anything to me, and so I am often the odd the one out.

My work has been hell of late. In fact, about two years ago, I lost out on a job opportunity I spent years working for and had to move countries for. They didn't even have the decency to tell me I didn't get the post after all. But my current job started off well. Everything was good. It was starting to get me back some semblance of hope, but as with everything retail, the pressure tells, and now after receiving warnings and being told that I have the attitude of a child, I am basically working on auto pilot. I have no desire to go to work, and can't get a job that I really want, because after more than 5 years of trying and about 300 applications being rejected, you lose the will to apply.

And now to most recently. I just lost the girl. I loved her and I lost her. I try to get her out of my head and I just can't. It is hell.

I have no one, and nothing to keep me going. The virtual hugs only do so much, and I don't think they can keep me going. I am mentally and physically exhausted. Through all of these things, I can't sleep. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I have nothing that keeps me going. All the things I loved, I hate. I have no motivation to do anything. I find nothing of interest anymore. TV programmes i loved no longer excite me. No desire to watch movies or do anything. Like i said, I don't know where else to turn, but was told to give this a shot.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

I agree 100%, fighting the mind is tough, I could have a great day and then comes night time and my anxiety starts spiking and I start running through everything in my head from the day. For no real reason either.

That is what I like about the forums, it allows us to help people see things from another point of view, in my opinion from where you were when you first came here when you didn't think anyone could help you or almost would care, here we are all these posts later and you have opened up and spoken freely about how you are feeling. No one could ask anymore of someone on these forums and that shows growth in your character.

Glad to read you made it to the driving range, I need to get there, I played Mini Golf tonight but just wasn't the same as real golf.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Hi Jay

The night is the worst. I can lie in bed and the mind will just go on its own missions. Sometimes I won't even get to sleep regardless of how tired I am.

Sometimes I still dont feel like people can help, but sometimes having one person stick with you after all these posts can give you a bit of hope that maybe people do, and it gives me that reason to come back here and see what is said, and hopefully I can find some strength in it to go to the next day.

I mean, today was another tough night. I have been so down this last week, and tried to take the advice from my counsellor about not saying too much in the home and just letting my family be, and my mum had a go at me for not loving my family or caring enough to speak or say anything. I am just so tired of it all and she just couldnt understand it.

I have to deal with my ex, who despite everyone telling me to be mean and just tell her to bugger off, I can't do that. It's not my nature to be mean. I hurt so much when I think of her, but that does not mean that I need to hurt her too. Why hurt someone just for the sake of it. And to top it off, I can't find anyone which isn't easy but I am not going to go around and ruin her life just because of that. I have pressure at work too. Not performing so well and having to take on a more senior role when I am not even trained for it. Learning on the go basically. I don't have a social circle that I can hang out with and I get excluded from a lot of things by people I thought were friends. I have to deal with the mental pain of my depression daily and sometimes that exacerbates everything else around me. Today I was so close to crying before work with everything that has been going on but could see everyone in my store looking so stressed and pressured, I had to suppress it. Two of the girls eventually broke down during the day, and I was basically trying to keep the store together and get everyone feeling ok, I didn't even have time for myself, and then I come home and get told off. I don't have a significant other I can look forward to coming home to, or friends, or any of that, sometimes it just adds up. Not even sure if that is a coherent rant, but this is the only place I can.

Mini Golf is not as fun, particularly if you go with the wrong company. Was at the range again tonight. Game is still a little off, but much better than when i got back from my trip.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

I hear you on the mind running wild at night, the amount of nights I have woken up in a panic due to my mind running wild is nuts. It goes into overdrive so I know the feeling. You just want to switch it off.

My whole reason for joining these forums initially was to seek help for my mental health but I stuck around to help others because I would much prefer seeing other people happy and even if that means just talking to them like I am you, I am not a trained professional by any means but just someone who has been there in your spot and trying to help where I can so I do hope you find some strength in my posts but know someone does care.

Sounds like you had a very tough day and night, are you still running the show at work? It sounds like you stepped up to the plate and controlled the situation which is all anyone can ask. Sounds like a true leader to me. Learning on the go isn't a bad thing either. Remember quite a while ago you wanted to just quit and find another job and now you are practically leading it which again shows how far you have come.

I understand what you're saying about not wanting to hurt your ex, I don't think anyone can ask you to do that, you care and that is a great trait, I think just slowly stopping contact is required but in the most civil way and that doesn't mean you do not talk every now and then but if her speaking to you is bringing you down then ask yourself is it 100% worth it to maintain contact just so you keep her happy whilst remaining unhappy yourself?

Sorry you had the argument with your mum, have you tried explaining how you are feeling to her and what you are going through or she refuses to believe you?

Sounds like you're game is coming back at golf, good stuff.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Hi jay

It's admirable that you stuck around. Not everyone does that. Not everyone tends to see others and jump to help. A lot of people will only look out for themselves.

I wouldn't say running the show, but it just seems like my ATL isnt doing the job she needs to. There comes a time when you need to be a boss, and a time when you need to be a leader, she is trying too much to be a boss, and not a leader. It just required simple things and she missed them.

I tried to stop contact. I even told her that I need time. She is the one who messages randomly, and I can't help but just be kind and respond. I don't know if she is being naive and thinks I am over it already, or just doesn't care.

I did try to explain, but no luck. She just can't seem to comprehend it. I am in a massive hole at the moment. I keep making the wrong life choices and I just keep getting further depressed. I need to start finding myself somehow and somehow finding a way back. I'm at a point where I want to hate myself, but know that that is not helpful in any way. I want to move forward, but not keep making the same mistakes. I want the things that a lot of people have, and I just want to be able to smile again.

Yeah it is, but i just wish it was consistent.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

I stick around for as long as I am needed. If this conversation helps in any way then I will keep talking. I am not trained or anything so my advice can only be very generic but through personal experience, just talking about stuff helps so much.

I might share a video on YouTube with you that I listened to today which I found of some benefit, link is here, let me know what you think. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9I24-IBfeDA - Has some very good details are overcoming depression and heart break.

Never stop being kind, if you feel you need to reply, then reply, but setting some personal boundaries with her may be required, something where you don't reply to every text or take your time replying. You do not want her to think you are at her beck and call when she wants after all she has put you through.

I understand you are in a massive hole, what are the life choices you feel that you are making that are wrong? There are many ways to find yourself but it takes time, some people go many years without fully knowing who they are. Hating yourself is of no benefit to you, it just hampers the motivation. May I ask, how do you find things are going with your psych? Are you finding any benefit from it?

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Hi Jay

That is true. Talking definitely does help. Don't worry, I dont expect you to give full on advice as I know what it is like, but just having that someone to talk to and that support makes it that bit easier. I'll actually explain why.

I watched that video you sent, and it was getting me motivated. So I ended up spending some time this weekend downloading motivational audio and songs for my gym playlist and just to try and help me out. I decided I needed to get motivated and there is no point saying I will change if I don't actually do it. So today was day 1. Not the most exciting or the best day, but it's a start, and now I need to hope that I can continue it. They say it takes 40 days to overcome addiction, so I know it will be tough, but hopefully this new impetus and this new direction will help.

I also decided to change things with my ex. I sent her a message telling her how I never fully got over her and how much it damaged me to lose her. But now I need to change and do something for me. So whilst I will be there as a friend when she needs, I just need some time for me, to find the best version of me so that I move forward. I told her to give me that time and I will talk to her when I am ready.

My psyche is good. He can understand and obviously you walk out of there feeling a bit refreshed, but you can only control so much. I can't control the people in the home and so on, so whilst it helps, I think I am going to ruffle some feathers over the next few weeks with this new approach, but it has to be done.

Hope you had a good weekend?

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

Mate, I seriously cannot be an prouder and more amazed at what you wrote, this is exactly what I mean when I say you have come a long way since when you first posted here. I am glad you watched that video and found motivation in it, that is simply the reason I watch those videos myself, the motivate me, they make me realise I am not the only person suffering from this mental health stuff but to get over it you have to do things. You cannot sit there and just wait for it to move on because it will not, you have to be the change and I think you understand that. I am even more amazed at what you wrote to your ex, that to me says you are subtly accepting closure for it and allowing yourself to be free from the pain. You should be very happy with yourself and just keep motivating yourself and keep pushing along, I am always here to talk.

My weekend was ok, Christmas time so always busy with family stuff, how about yours?

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Hi Jay

Thanks a lot. I have been unloading and unloading (and there will be times when that will happen) but you have been responding and talking despite having your own problems, which in itself is an amazing character. That video you posted really just kind of pushed me I guess.

Things were just not going well and it got to a point where I just could not take it anymore. I still have some issues with my health and I am not sure what they are because all my blood tests came back normal and everything is fine. This could be the years of mental abuse I depression that has affected my health so badly, but I hope this new path will help. I am also under no illusions that I wont have bad days or tough times, and that the depression, or the pain of not having someone is going to still be there, but I have to at least try to get over this as opposed to just accepting it and giving in.

Day 2 was a little tougher, but I managed to not give in to some of the usual urges and the usual problems. It kind of started off a bit testing as the first photo I saw today on my instagram feed was of my ex. However, I can't expect things to happen overnight, so hopefully I will pass these little tests and move on with it.

I love Christmas. Unfortunately we don't celebrate it and I would love to be able to just experience a Christmas with a family that does. I prefer a white Christmas though. Summer is my least favourite of all the months and I do not like it when it gets to summer in Australia.

Spent my weekend making some bad choices and then deciding that I need to stop and start changing.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

To be honest, I am at the point where my problems are where they are and if I can help others overcome theirs then I am happy.

Every single day will present its own challenges but it is in those times that you truly see how much you have overcome and how much you will continue to over come. One day will be all sunny and happy, the others will be all rainy and gloomy, you cannot control that but you can start but focusing on the positives of each day and using them to your advantage, sure you saw the photo of your ex this morning, bad start but did anything else happen, did you see another photo you liked, did you read something that made you smile, something that was positive and you focus your energy onto that and not the photo of your ex. Understanding that these days are here is a big thing too. You will get through this all with flying colours.

I would love a white Christmas as well, it has been a dream, only ever known hot Christmas' in Australia but its ok, I do love this time of year but. Do you have much plans over the break, if any time of at all?

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Hi Jay

That is very good of you to stick around and help others.

I know. Nothing really good happened after I saw here photo. I guess not giving in to the usual impulses of falling in to the hole would be considered a win. I didn't feel too great yesterday. Was having moments of light headedness and some other pains. I guess a good outcome was the blood tests and chest x -rays all came back fine, which ruled out the chest pains i was having.

I know this is not going to be an easy thing to do, but I am trying each day to get myself to think that it will get better. If something can worse, then there must be a way it can get better. For every x there is a y. I still kind of feel like I am not sure if I will see that shining moment of triumph, so at the moment it is all blind optimism.

I've been fortunate to have to two white christmases, but because we don't celebrate christmas, it just felt like normal days off with family. Would love to do it again. If i could, i would live in winter all year round.

No real plans as such. I have to work on the 23rd, 24th, and 26th. Have days off over new years. Not really planning anything. Just planning to take some time to relax for myself and chill. Spend some time with the twins hopefully. How about you?