Finally opening up

[Guest_0087]

finally took the plunge to beyond blue. Think this is my last attempt to try and get somewhere. I will try be brief so as not to make this hard for anyone.

Have struggled with depression for some time, and each time I tried to overcome it, it has just gotten worse and there seems to be no end in sight.

I lost my best friend to my depression. She no longer talks to me and we no longer interact. We used to talk every day for years, now, not even a hello.

My family have never understood my depression and never supported me with it. They keep making it about themselves and I have to some how find some sort of way to deal with it. I battle with my parents every day and it oftens ends in me crying.

All my social circles have moved on, and most found me too 'different' or slightly 'weird' so they no longer interact with me. In a sense, I have no friends. I do everything by myself and when I do interact with those people, they all treat me very differently. They don't know how to talk to me or say anything to me, and so I am often the odd the one out.

My work has been hell of late. In fact, about two years ago, I lost out on a job opportunity I spent years working for and had to move countries for. They didn't even have the decency to tell me I didn't get the post after all. But my current job started off well. Everything was good. It was starting to get me back some semblance of hope, but as with everything retail, the pressure tells, and now after receiving warnings and being told that I have the attitude of a child, I am basically working on auto pilot. I have no desire to go to work, and can't get a job that I really want, because after more than 5 years of trying and about 300 applications being rejected, you lose the will to apply.

And now to most recently. I just lost the girl. I loved her and I lost her. I try to get her out of my head and I just can't. It is hell.

I have no one, and nothing to keep me going. The virtual hugs only do so much, and I don't think they can keep me going. I am mentally and physically exhausted. Through all of these things, I can't sleep. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I have nothing that keeps me going. All the things I loved, I hate. I have no motivation to do anything. I find nothing of interest anymore. TV programmes i loved no longer excite me. No desire to watch movies or do anything. Like i said, I don't know where else to turn, but was told to give this a shot.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

Yeah get them checked out if they are hanging around, I was in and out of the doctors for a few days until they could work out what I had going on.

Yeah I haven't been golfing for ages either, I had a bad game last time around and got frustrated with it, not good to be honest because I really enjoy it. Hopefully will be going this week to be honest.

It is a long journey, you are correct in saying that, it has so many twists and turns but only you can change it. As time goes on, it will get better and you just become happier.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Hi mate

Yeah, going to try and get it all sorted out. Want to start moving forward, not being stagnant.

I know, I really need to get back out on the course. Sometimes just finding the motivation to do so is the hard part. The bad games always tend to happen and frustrate us. Just keep at it, you will always find some good in the bad.

Sometimes it feels like an almost impossible journey. Or even never ending. I guess it gets frustrating too when you see how quickly others get over things, and it takes you longer than you expect or wanted.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

Keep working on getting better, it's all you can fully control.

I agree, you lose motivation with golf and I haven't even been to the driving range. I can't wait to get onto the course on Sunday if I go. Need the fresh air I think.

I have been there too, feel like it is never ending, the journey never stops, I think every day we are constantly recovering, sometimes just from the day's events, this journey is a long and short thing, we can only focus on something every single day and try to fix it. I think when you see others moving on from things quickly it can be a façade, everyone is great at hiding their true feelings I have learn't over time.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Motivation is a major issue with a lot of things. Going to the gym, getting out of bed, golf....it's just one of those things and I'm not really sure how you get it done. I don't think people realise how much of a factor the mental state can be.

Well, this has been moved to the long term section so looks like we're in that phase. It can be a facade, but it really just knocks you down when you see it, because you do not know it is a facade. It's like when you see someone who has found someone else so soon after a break up, or that person has found a new job straight after losing one...you kind of wonder how it is possible, and why the same does not happen to you.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

Motivation is a funny thing, it is not something you can buy or anything you simply need to generate it in your own mind and find that desire inside of you. I listen to a lot of motivation songs or stuff on YouTube to try and generate motivation of my own, writing down what you want can help as well then you can focus on each goal, even if it just what you want to do every day, like a to do list.

I know what you are saying about how it feels people sometimes are getting further ahead but this is all perception, you need to stop comparing yourself to others and where they are at in their life, you can only control where you are and use every day as a chance to be further ahead than where you were yesterday. Growth starts with you and that is all you can control.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Hi mate

I agree. That's the challenge though I guess. Trying to beat that mind so you can generate the motivation. It is extremely difficult to do so at time. I listen to some motivational things on youtube some times and they tend to give me motivation for the moment, but then after a while, I've forgotten it already.

I come from a culture where comparing is quite common. So i grew up being compared to siblings, family, friends etc...If I was not doing the right thing by my community, I was failing. I guess I try to not let it get to me and focus on the things that work for me, but it's a hard thing to beat when its engrained in you. I don't like where I am at the moment. I know where I want to be, and I know that there are certain steps to be taken, somehow I am not sure if I will be able to complete them and see the end result. I keep feeling like I will only get a certain distance and stop halfway.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

I am the same, I can hear motivation things and they move for a bit and then I forget them, you also need to write them down or make listening to them apart of your morning ritual to give yourself the pep in your step when you start your day.

I think you need to maybe write down the things you want to achieve, start with small stuff and work up to the bigger stuff, we all have big dreams and aspirations of where we want to be, but it is the age old thing.. crawl before you can walk, everything takes time, I know being compared doesn't make it easy but you can break tradition, all you can worry about is you, end of the day, you are the only thing standing in your way of where you think you want to be. You can get there.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Hey mate.

Yeah, that makes sense. You kind of need to make it habit so it becomes ingrained in you. It is a tough thing to do thought when you are fighting your mind.

Right now I just want to be able to get through the day. Mornings are a chore, evenings are hell. I try to break tradition on a lot of things. This obviously does not go down too well, but I do try and will make an effort to not fit the mould. I've never been one for the mould. Frustration gets the better of me. Mostly because I know what I am capable of and where I am. Falling down so far is quite frustrating.

Hope you had a good weekend?

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

We fight our minds every day but eventually it does get ingrained into them I feel.

I think you are doing the best you can and that is all anyone can possibly ask of you, we all get frustrated with our lack of moving forward sometimes especially when it feels like we have. Knowing what you are capable of is the most important thing and I am glad you know that because you need it to keep on going. Every fall down however is a chance to get back up and prove yourself wrong again.

Weekend was ok, nothing to amazing, just a wedding and that was about it. How was your's?

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Hi mate

I think fighting the minds is probably the toughest battle though. It's a horrible one and hopefully the good stuff gets ingrained in them.

I guess I can only go off what others tell me. I personally don't feel like I am succeeding too much, but I am not going to sit here and doubt you. You probably get to see things from a different perspective and are able to talk about things in a different manner as opposed to the one going through it. It probably means you are able to provide that support in a better manner and be more objective. Sometimes you wonder if it is worth getting back up though. How many times must you keep trying and working only to fall, when you see others are succeeding but are probably not the nicest of people (not sure how to word that)

Weddings can be quite fun sometimes. Mine was nothing special. Went bowling and for lunch with my cousins, which was a nice to an extent, but still felt a little outsider-ish. Worked on the Sunday, Managed to get to the range on Sunday night for the first time in a while. Was a good short session. Only hit a small bucket, but it was nice to get back in to it again despite my game still not being the level I want or know I am capable of.