Finally opening up
finally took the plunge to beyond blue. Think this is my last attempt to try and get somewhere. I will try be brief so as not to make this hard for anyone.
Have struggled with depression for some time, and each time I tried to overcome it, it has just gotten worse and there seems to be no end in sight.
I lost my best friend to my depression. She no longer talks to me and we no longer interact. We used to talk every day for years, now, not even a hello.
My family have never understood my depression and never supported me with it. They keep making it about themselves and I have to some how find some sort of way to deal with it. I battle with my parents every day and it oftens ends in me crying.
All my social circles have moved on, and most found me too 'different' or slightly 'weird' so they no longer interact with me. In a sense, I have no friends. I do everything by myself and when I do interact with those people, they all treat me very differently. They don't know how to talk to me or say anything to me, and so I am often the odd the one out.
My work has been hell of late. In fact, about two years ago, I lost out on a job opportunity I spent years working for and had to move countries for. They didn't even have the decency to tell me I didn't get the post after all. But my current job started off well. Everything was good. It was starting to get me back some semblance of hope, but as with everything retail, the pressure tells, and now after receiving warnings and being told that I have the attitude of a child, I am basically working on auto pilot. I have no desire to go to work, and can't get a job that I really want, because after more than 5 years of trying and about 300 applications being rejected, you lose the will to apply.
And now to most recently. I just lost the girl. I loved her and I lost her. I try to get her out of my head and I just can't. It is hell.
I have no one, and nothing to keep me going. The virtual hugs only do so much, and I don't think they can keep me going. I am mentally and physically exhausted. Through all of these things, I can't sleep. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I have nothing that keeps me going. All the things I loved, I hate. I have no motivation to do anything. I find nothing of interest anymore. TV programmes i loved no longer excite me. No desire to watch movies or do anything. Like i said, I don't know where else to turn, but was told to give this a shot.
Once again, apologies for my delay in between posts, there has just been so much going on and I do apologise because I know you are repaying the thought of being there for me and it is very much appreciated.
How has work been the past few days?
I have been ok, going in and out of moods to be honest, tonight very angry and frustrated and just in general over everything. I guess I am sick of being a doormat for everyone, just take hit after hit and I am just expected to put up with it. If I bite back then I am the bad person. It is a tough cycle always trying to be the nice person.
How has everything else been with you outside of work?
Are you kidding? You do not need to apologise to me. I know how hard things can be and I am really happy to see that you are still powering through and working through everything. I will be here as and when you need.
Work has not been fun. I keep having run ins with my ATL and I am just not enjoying it at all. I wish I was able to find a new job easily because I can't really leave unless I find something else. So I am kind of stuck with it until something comes up.
I know the feeling. Do not worry, there are people who appreciate you and I am sure they will come to the fore soon. Only the toughest get tested, and that is what is happening with you. I know the feeling too well of always trying to be the nice person. It is the same thing for me. It can be tiring to always have to deal with being that punching bag like you say.
You will go through ups and down though. Some days can be easier than others. I still get some days which knock me so far down I wonder if I can get up. A lot of the time it is from missing my ex, but I feel like I am getting better at it, and hopefully I will find someone who makes me happy the way she did and makes me realise that she was the person who was not meant to be, but just to guide me .
Always be the nice person. I know it does not often get appreciated in todays society, but if you stay true to yourself that is the main thing. It means that you are not becoming what the other people expect of you, and shows that you have true character and strength.
It has not been so great. Just kind of going through each motion and hoping things can somethings somehow get better. Trying to work on finding or a new job or get back in to my writing so I can find a way out of this work hell other than that, just kind of trudging along.
Ahh work, doesn't it just make life that much more difficult, it is meant to be a somewhat escape from our personal life dramas but then things happen there that can bring us down just as quickly. Just keep looking and looking and applying for new roles, you are in a good position where you are out of work and desperate, you are still getting paid from this job and can look for another in the mean time, focusing on that positive is a good start.
I agree with staying true to yourself, I won't change my personality for anyone, I have a small circle of friends who love me and that is ok. I am newly single as well so hoping to find that spark again and I have no doubt you will. It's amazing how you come here looking for advice and then you end up giving advice yourself. You are doing great and have come so far since you first starting posting here. It is very refreshing.
You will meet someone new as well and this person will come along and make you wonder if it is possible to even be this happy. All in time, just need to keep focusing on yourself and learning to just love yourself.
I know right, work, it's such a funny little temptress. I had two days off and on those days off I was doing things and getting what I needed to be done and I felt good. Today was my first back at work and I was feeling a bit pumped and excited for it, but within an hour I was so over work and not wanting to be there anymore. I think I truly realised how much I need to leave and find something, so hopefully I can find something soon.
Yeah, finding that spark. I'm probably not the best to give advice on it. I'm terrible at the whole dating game and always get anxious or nervous around people, so i'm just the worst at it, but I'm sure someone as kind hearted and caring as you will have those qualities shine through and someone will see that. It's good that you have that close friend circle to fall on as well when you need. Haha, it's a funny circle. You were there for me in my time of need, the least I can do is be here in yours, even if I may not do as good a job as you did or others may do.
I know I probably sound like a broken record about finding someone. I'm sorry, I think it's just because I am ready for something like that. For example this evening I babysat my cousins twins and I just felt comfortable. I read to them and then put them to bed. Then I went and watched a movie and I just felt comfortable being in that environment, but was just missing another person. Someone who after putting the kids to bed would be waiting to watch the movie with. So I think it's one of the biggest things for me. I've never been a money guy or a chase the flashiest things. I've always been a family guy. Don't necessary need a family now, but even just not having that significant other too I guess is one of the things that hurts, more than whether I get the promotion or earn six figures, my team wins or not, or have the newest model phone etc etc...
I really hope someone comes back to this post it all resonate with me.
Iwasjust watching a mind valley about a guy who had terminal cancer as a child but still made something of himself.
Watching make me feel shit how can I make something special of my life when I feel so unimportant to everyone. I am lost I want to help
Listing to a guy on the radio that goes to schools to change stimgma
I want to do that for adults iWork I the mining industry and I see Sood my fellow workers taking lots of time off and I worrie im taking to much time. Imran I wish we could pauselife to heal ourselves.
I have been in an abusive relationship which through me bit I have never had time to heal as I have kids and a new partner