Long-term support over the journey

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Chris_B PLEASE READ: What this forum is for (trigger warning advisory)
  • replies: 2

The threads in this section have been created by longer-term community members, and have evolved over time into rich, complex discussions about many aspects of living with a mental health condition. They were originally started in one of our other to... View more

The threads in this section have been created by longer-term community members, and have evolved over time into rich, complex discussions about many aspects of living with a mental health condition. They were originally started in one of our other topic sections, and have migrated here once reaching the milestone of 100 posts in order to allow members to keep following the life story being shared as it happens day to day. This is not a place to start new threads - discussions here have reached a sufficient level of popularity and depth that they have been moved here by moderators. Long-term support here on the forums is defined in terms of receiving that support here in this space, which is why we have chosen the 100-post milestone to select threads that will appear here. Our research tells us that 55% of our members have been living with a mental health condition for ten years or more, so long-term support in the real world will not be a strange concept to many of you. If you're seeking long-term support on your journey, we'd encourage you to start a new thread in the section that best suits where you are at this point. Making a commitment to daily posting and supporting others will eventually see your thread join the wonderful stories here in this section. A few important points to note: 1. The "new thread" button has been disabled for this section - if you click on it, you will be redirected to the beyondblue home page. 2. Please be aware that threads in this section may contain discussion of suicide, self-harm, sexual abuse, domestic abuse and other trauma-related topics. 3. Threads in this section may be archived periodically (locked or unpublished) at the discretion of moderators.

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HeyJude I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely
  • replies: 159

Hi everyone - I a new to the site. I really need someone to talk to that can empathise and relate. I need to vent. My whole life has been hard, cruel at times, with an abusive childhood and I never really had a chance in life. I have been married twi... View more

Hi everyone - I a new to the site. I really need someone to talk to that can empathise and relate. I need to vent. My whole life has been hard, cruel at times, with an abusive childhood and I never really had a chance in life. I have been married twice and although was a good mother my first husband poisoned my children against me so we are estranged. My second husband is more caring but can't help me with the major depressions and anxiety I struggle with - he judges me and gets angry, saying it's bad behaviour. People do like me but I just can't make close friends. I am the one who gets forgotten about...I am just so tired of walking this road alone. So, so tired. I know it is not normal, but I envy those with terminal illness. I feel for their pain very much though but I always think "why isn't it me instead - they have family, love, friends and a life. It should be me - I would not be missed at all (although I would worry about my daughter from my second marriage being effected). I am currently doing some volunteer work and others appreciate me but do not realise how much internal pain I suffer. I have "no other family or friends to talk to". I don't feel I have any purpose in life, I feel helpless, irrelevant and hopeless. I am losing interest in most things. My husband thinks my depression is bad behaviour and can get angry, he doesn't understand - does not listen or talk much to me. I am the listener. I am the nurturer who looks after everyone - but I feel lost and in such great anguish and pain. I feel so utterly lonely. I was always there for others and never sought anything in return. It just would be nice to have my despair and pain eased for just some moments if just once someone could listen to me - just listen and not judge. If someone just cared. Not sure I see any point any more. I have absolutely no help. Anti-depressants do not work - I think this is all an accumulation of hurts, traumas, disheartenment and abuse over the years rather than a chemical imbalance which is leaving me feelings empty. I have absolutely no zest for life. Feel dead inside. I find it hard to get out of bad.

Guest_1584 Do you think the way l'm living is ok for now?
  • replies: 147

Hi BB. l feel like this is another dumb question from rx , but ah well.ln times of uncertainties we might ask some of those right. We sep' and divorced 5yrs ago , threw life into a spin. Together 19yrs before. l've stayed in the area to be close to m... View more

Hi BB. l feel like this is another dumb question from rx , but ah well.ln times of uncertainties we might ask some of those right. We sep' and divorced 5yrs ago , threw life into a spin. Together 19yrs before. l've stayed in the area to be close to my d, 16now, and finally got another house of my own 15mths ago. l was with someone new nearly 2yrs but it hasn't worked out unfortunately but being long distance 70% of the time, there was lots of days and nights spent at home in our little private bubble world of messaging and skyping . So now that we've split, l still haven't built any sort of a new life really. Got this hosue because loved the spot and the house itslef and great views and it's only 20mins form my d's town. lhoped l'd like it here , maybe even make a new life. But ldon't really fit in this town and so it's beena lot more time at home, l work at home too. Nit sure if l'll stay here , but l do love the house and spot and views and in spare time can easily just hang out around the house days on end , basically alone, bt l dunno, it's just and old renovator but just really comfy to hang out in, live. If l'm working l always try to get out most days, pick up spares or spin over to one of the other towns for a change of scenery , or some lunch, whatever.Or locally up to the shops even , groceries whatever , anything just to get out for awhile. lately l've sort of developed a bit of a pattern in spare time. love hanging out around the house a day , 2 or 3, but then l make myslef go see some, a drink with my brother, or another mate l know, or up to the main town , see my daughter some days, or beach , go for a hike, or something. No pubbing or night life. Same with wkends, l try to get out somewhere one day, hang out at home the other. But that's pretty well life has been since split with gf. Mostly alone , andl enjoy lately just hanging out around this house , maybe way way too much , not sure. music or some reno's or movies , internet. It's just big and roomy and airy , views , and comfy. l often get claustrophobic but never in this house, Do you think what l'm doing atm is ok , l really worry l'm alone too much or taht l'll slip into hermitizing too much, l dunno. Any thoughts welcome. rx.

Sapphire_ Im new. Unsure how to start.
  • replies: 550

Hello. Im new. I dont really know where to start. My heart is pounding, Im so anxious to be on here. Im not sure if its the right thing to do. I've never spoken to anyone about how i feel or anything. Even my husband. I just cant. I dont really know ... View more

Hello. Im new. I dont really know where to start. My heart is pounding, Im so anxious to be on here. Im not sure if its the right thing to do. I've never spoken to anyone about how i feel or anything. Even my husband. I just cant. I dont really know what i am supposes to do. I feel so alone and lost.

kanga_brumby Trapped in supported accommodation
  • replies: 273

I have various people on my team supposedly helping through my depression, and other issues I have. They requested I go into a care facility for a one month stay. Which I agreed to fully expecting to return home about one month after. As soon as I mo... View more

I have various people on my team supposedly helping through my depression, and other issues I have. They requested I go into a care facility for a one month stay. Which I agreed to fully expecting to return home about one month after. As soon as I mover in to the place there attitudes changed. All of a sudden I had to stay in the supported accommodation. Because I was not going to be supported in my home. Even though the support I need is available from various agencies. Around Melbourne by various counsels or privet agencies. Providing attendant care and home help. I believe I should be eligible for funding for disability. I have raised this with the people who are my advisers. But get caned every time I am not consulted. About the decision I am told just sit back do as we say. When your ready we will help more then. The plan i am not consulted on it's not working it's just stagnating. My family are no help. I am that fed up where I am. I am rely contemplating ending it all my life has no meaning in here. Just a worthless piece of meat that gets treated like a 3 year old. I know a warehouse full of stuff. That no one can now use. I cannot help anyone in here not even myself I'm not aloud. Kanga

Lici GAD diagnosis
  • replies: 174

Hi, first time posting, hopefully someone can help. So I went to a new doctor the other day (apparently he's registered with beyond blue) and he diagnosed me with GAD. The thing is I'm a bit dubious about this diagnosis as I don't excessively worry a... View more

Hi, first time posting, hopefully someone can help. So I went to a new doctor the other day (apparently he's registered with beyond blue) and he diagnosed me with GAD. The thing is I'm a bit dubious about this diagnosis as I don't excessively worry about things and have a previous diagnosis of PTSD which would fit most of my symptoms. His diagnosis consisted of asking me a few questions while I was there to see him for a shoulder issue. I'm wondering if GAD can be diagnosed without the excessive worry and anxiety? The information that I can find on the DSM V diagnostic criteria states that the patient must have the excessive worry. The doctor has given me medication for treatment and I'm a bit nervous about starting a drug that's going to make me gain weight and be tied all the time while I'm at university (studying psychology funnily enough) and have spent a few years learning how to finally deal with things without medication. Should I ask to see a psychiatrist to get a definitive diagnosis before starting treatment? I'm really unsure what to do at the moment as I feel like the clinical psychologists and psychiatrists would have diagnosed me in the past if I had GAD. Thanks for reading

The_Abyss Is it a mental illness or just depression?
  • replies: 344

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride ... View more

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

chrissy1 I just don't know anymore
  • replies: 160

I have been reading many threads, which makes me feel not so alone. I've had depression for 30 yrs. the last 5yrs have been chronic, that's why I'm in a nursing home.( no where else to go) I could not look after myself anymore. I have lost (commissio... View more

I have been reading many threads, which makes me feel not so alone. I've had depression for 30 yrs. the last 5yrs have been chronic, that's why I'm in a nursing home.( no where else to go) I could not look after myself anymore. I have lost (commission unit)my unit my car and my baby dog. After many shock treatments, I am on medication which is keeping stable. I just don't have a life anymore. So alone. (Have lost my friends as I was out of action. I'm sure u guys can relate. I struggle with society that they just don't get it, what do we have to do to let them know this is REAL.( as if one could pretend with this illness) I don't think so!!! I really don't have a life anymore. Being in a nursing home does not help cause when I leave my room I see so many older people around. It does not help my depression at all. That's all for now.thank you for ur time, looking forward to some replies. my thread name is chrissy1 which some of you may have seen. chrissy1

Chloe_M Advice for Seeking Professional Help (Trigger Warning- Sexual Abuse, Self-Harm, and Suicidal Feelings)
  • replies: 272

Hey guys, My life at the moment is really complicated, so I'll keep it brief: My parents are extremely strict- they don't let me do anything, when my boyfriend (who was also my best friend) broke up with me, they didn't know I was touched inappropria... View more

Hey guys, My life at the moment is really complicated, so I'll keep it brief: My parents are extremely strict- they don't let me do anything, when my boyfriend (who was also my best friend) broke up with me, they didn't know I was touched inappropriately last year by someone who I had known for years (not a family member, a peer) I suffered from depression(?) after the breakup for about 5 or so months (I don't have a diagnosis because my parents didn't know) I have stopped now, but I had been self-harming for around 2-3 of those months A couple of weeks ago, the depression and anxiety was so bad that I wanted to kill myself I am always anxious- I have a constant feeling of dread in my stomach I have panic attacks frequently that sometimes are for no reason- these involves sweating, shaking, hyperventilating and crying I really hate germs and am kind of obsessed with washing my hair and sanitising my hands A lot of my 'friends' judge me and some of them bitch behind my back I find that my anxiety is not at the front of my mind when I dance or when I am on this forum helping others My ex and I are friends again, but some weeks he ghosts me and flirts with random girls, and some weeks he acts like my boyfriend again I have only recently 'come out' to my parents about being anxious all the time I am going to see the school counsellor on Monday My parents are going to take me to a GP and get a referral to see a psychologist I would like some advice on how to talk to a counsellor/psychologist and some general info about confidentiality and stuff like that. Thanks guys xx Chloe_M

mg24 I feel alone and I don't like the life I have
  • replies: 159

Hi, this is my second thread. I just have some other feelings I kind of wanna talk to someone about. (i'm 14) I feel really alone. I don't have a best friend, but I don't have any other friends either. I hang out with this group but only because I've... View more

Hi, this is my second thread. I just have some other feelings I kind of wanna talk to someone about. (i'm 14) I feel really alone. I don't have a best friend, but I don't have any other friends either. I hang out with this group but only because I've been with them since year seven and I don't want to look like a loner. There aren't really any people I can hang out with from my grade, I've definitely tried looking. It also feels like everyone thinks I'm a loser, people don't want to text me or talk to me at school. I'm part of two sport teams and I still can't find anyone. I know that friends will 'present themselves in time' and all these other things but I don't want to be alone for four years. I don't want to have to keep my feelings to myself all the time and never be invited anywhere. I also went to England last year to visit my family and I miss it so much. My family can't really afford to go often but I feel like my family is missing me grow up and there are so many things and experiences and relationships I want to share with them. I can't go during two week breaks because we generally go for three weeks plus and I can't miss any school but my mum says that the six week holidays are too expensive and we won't like the weather. I tried to get there another way by going through a student exchange to just escape for a bit and experience something new and meet new people, but my mum shut that down. I've tried coming at this at every angle all my mum says is that I need to get over it and look at what I do have and stop being s negative but I don't know what there is to look at! I have no friends or social life, I personally hate Australia (no offence), and I'm going through some really hard feelings alone so I'm not sure what great things she's talking about. I don't want to do this life anymore, I hate it but there's nothing I can do about it. I also don't want to waste four years of my life, especially my teenage years. My parents say that if I'm going through something I should tell them or just someone except I don't have anyone to tell and they always ignore my feelings. I told my mum I wanted to move after high school and my mum said she would never forgive me if I did. I cry almost everyday because I want to go back so badly and she knows how much I miss it, and she's still saying this. I don't want to have to move away and never see her but I hate it here. I have no idea what to do or where to go.

The_Abyss What do you fear (today)?
  • replies: 810

In line with my "when were you last truly happy" post, I wondered about what other people fear? Is it an "every day fear", or is it a "just today" fear? Do you fear getting out of bed? Do you fear opening the mail? Do you fear the phone ringing? Do y... View more

In line with my "when were you last truly happy" post, I wondered about what other people fear? Is it an "every day fear", or is it a "just today" fear? Do you fear getting out of bed? Do you fear opening the mail? Do you fear the phone ringing? Do you fear being alone? Do you fear the darkness descending? Do you fear confrontations? Do you fear rejection? Do you fear not feeling anything at all? I wonder if just voicing that fear, sharing that fear, will help to take away it's power? Or will it give it life? For me, my big fear at the moment is being found out. Fearing my kids or family will come across my posts. Fear a colleague will recognise my writing style or circumstances. Fear that someone will see through this big brave front I put on to get through the door each day. Fear that someone sees my vulnerability.