I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[james1]

Hello Lee lee 73,

I'm sad to hear that you feel like a nobody. It sounds like you feel really really alone and have felt like this for a very long time.

Loneliness really is one of the hardest things and sometimes people can forget just how much it hurts until they really experience it. People will say, "oh just go and meet some people," but they don't know just how hard it really is when you don't even know how because you haven't really made new friends in a long time.

You have mentioned your therapy sessions - I wonder, are you able to share some of the strategies you have worked on with them and how those strategies have gone for you?

James

[Doolhof]

Hi Lee lee,

Welcome to the community here! I'm really sorry to read you are struggling so much with a sense of loneliness and also with the suicidal thoughts.

Trying to change our thoughts from the negative to something more positive and useful is probably something you have been hearing for a long time! It is not always easy to do is it when you are feeling so depressingly low!

Are there some things that you do enjoy? Can you think of just one thing that might make a slight difference to how you are feeling?

Loneliness can feel overwhelming. Do you feel any comfort at all in just being with other people even if they are strangers or does that make you feel worse?

There have been times when I have gone to the shops just so I am with people.

Like James has mentioned, is there anything that has helped you in the past that you might be able to incorporate into your life now?

If you are feeling suicidal, is it possible for you to spend some time in a hospital or a ward to have a bit of a break and some rest?

If you don't feel like answering or responding to any of these suggestions it is okay. Hopefully you will feel welcome here.

Knowing that people understand in a way, that they validate what you are saying and acknowledge your struggle may help you a little.

Kind regards, from Dools

[Lee lee 73]

Hi James,

Thanks for your reply.

I do know how and do put myself out there to meet people and friends. I just don't fit in and seem to not have anything in common with people.

In regards to strategies - you sound just like my psychologist. I'm sorry but I'm done with trying to put them in place.

I truly appreciate your reply James.

Lee

[Lee lee 73]

Thanks for your reply Doolhof and for caring.

Lee

[james1]

Hello Lee,

Thank you for replying to me.

It sounds like you're not really looking for help on what to do.

That is okay. I understand it can be exhausting trying this strategy or that strategy, especially when they don't seem to work.

Was there something else you wanted to talk to us about? What kind of hobbies do you enjoy?

[Ggrand]

Hello Lee lee,

Im really sorry your struggling so much..

I can relate to your daily thoughts suicide, I went through a long period of time feeling like it was the best option. Lived 24/7 inside my head, and still do for periods of time...

I can hear your deep hurt in your words.. I would so much like to offer you my shoulder to cry on, my ear to listen to you with my arms open in friendship and my heart opened in care and compassion if you will allow me to....Your are very important Lee lee, you are definitely not a nobody, your words are from your heart, your words have touched my soul...I would so much like to get to know you better if you want to and would also like to be a friend to you as well...

Kind and caring thoughts..

Grandy...xxx...

[Lee lee 73]

Hi Dools,

My psychiatrist has recently offered hospitalisation numerous times. I keep declining for various reasons mainly, being in hospital doesn’t stop the suicidal thoughts and I come back home to an empty house and it starts all over again.

I'm beginning a clinical trial treatment onSuicidality next Thursday - (tomorrow is my assessment). This is keeping me going for now, I guess.

Lee

[Lee lee 73]

Hello Grandy,

Thank you so much for your kind and caring thoughts. I'm lost for words. ..... thank you. 💜.

It would be cool to stay connected. Xx

Lee

[Lee lee 73]

P.S ...so sorry you go through and have the same thoughts!